New Followers?

Not sure how this happened but I gained a follower. I've changed blogs. This was the 'old', the new is at the following link:

http://dearlybeloved-toomi.blogspot.com/

See you there :)

If only...

I could see what my actual weight was. I managed to stick to my plan today. I ate nothing until 3pm (later than I planned) and had my Lipo-6 pill around the same time. I felt a bit of a buzz but not much really. I had my tea, my 1L water and the 500 ml vitamin water and by the time I hit the gym I had enough time to change and get to Zumba.

Zumba was lame-o for me. I couldn't remember most of the steps, couldn't see Maya properly and they've learned a few new moves since I last was there. I spent most of the time just sort of hovering. Not much cardio to talk about so I counted it as 30 min light dancing. Hit the weights after doing hip abductions, adductions, hamstring curls, back, deadlifts and stiff leg deadlifts. Think the last ones didn't hit their mark as I definatly felt it in my back and not my legs. Ran for 5 min after just as a cooldown and headed home.

Showered, ate half a soup and finishing up a coldish tea now. Less than 400 cals with around 160 burned not including weights. I'm happy with today.

Tomorrow is the same shift so work, then gym. Going to do a leg day tomorrow so quads and calves, with a healthly smattering of glutes and groin. Of course I can't neglect the abs! Plan on doing more cardio tomorrow, so running to start and bike or elliptical to end. Aiming for around an hour total of cardio and possibly 1.5hrs weights. I'll be home late again and my friend won't be happy but I can't help it.

I'll repeat the food but I may take 2 of those pills tomorrow, one around noon the other around 4, see if that gives me a boost. None for Weds and Thurs though. I can't take them every day. For dinner, leftover soup and possibly some steamed veggies as I anticipate being hungrier.

I'm proud of today. I managed to avoid cravings, not binge, not cave and stay strong. I just need to keep it going tomorrow. If I can make it till Sunday I can enjoy a treat :)

Totally forgot to weigh myself at the gym so I'm not sure what I'm at...

Endings and Beginnings

This is the last post in 'Independant Toomi'. I will leave this blog 'active' for a wee bit but it will be closed. If you want to, check out my profile and follow me to the new blog. I started this blog almost a year ago as an attempt to document my journey through weight loss. I've done that. I've dropped a fair amount of weight and have changed personally, physically and mentally in the process. This blog has gotten me this far. I am chosing to take this further. I could walk away, concentrate on being healthy, gaining muscle etc. I just don't want to. I've become paranoid that there is a chance someone will find this blog and link it back to me. Specifically someone I know, trust and rely upon especially recently. I'm moving, my life is changing. Time for this to change too. Thank you :)

Sunday

Lazy start to the day. I didn't do anything until around noon and even then it was only half assed. Cleaned, packed a bit and recorded the concert from online streaming radio that I was at a year ago. Cleaned, ran out and bought some supplies for tonight, and binged a bit on chocolate, chocolate peanut trail mix, and a whole wheat bun ( I know, fucked, but I wanted something 'doughy'). Shaun and his gal showed up at 8pm and we started eating around 8:30. Salmon ended up a bit smushy compared to when I usually fry it, but it was still good, along with broccoli and brown rice. The wine was really good. It was a quiet slow start while Shaun played on the guitars and both us girls kinda stayed quiet. Wasn't until she offered to help that I started talking. I don't know why we didn't at first. Lively discussion, lots of laughs, chocolate and cookies. I know the weight will go up tomorrow, but honestly tonight it was worth it. There's nothing like having friends over and I'm pretty sure they will be the last ones over for dinner at this place. When they left I had a few hoots and have been sitting here watching The Passionate Eye, 102 Minutes That Changed The World. It's horrifying. I remember coming home from a night shift and ended up sitting up most of the morning watching it in horror, and now I"m watching a documentary about it in the same shock and horror. I can't believe that this year it will be 10 years..... and there's still a war over it. It's just ended so I can start to concentrate on this blog... I have thought about it and I'm ending this one. This blog has helped me for just over 250 posts. I started it in May, it's now almost April. I'm not carrying it over, I can't. I went from 191lbs to a low of 137.8lbs. I am currently 145. I am considered a healthy weight. My trainer is happy where I am, and now the goal is to continue to gain muscle. However, I look in the mirror and am still disgusted by what I see. I, by pure chance, found 2 pairs of pants that I packed up ages ago after being too fat to fit into them anymore when I was dating Scott three and a bit years ago. They're pretty lose now. Not good enough. I want thin. I move in 3 days. I will be changing my life once again. I have gained some control in the last few days, but a lot in my life will change. After Friday I will no longer have a trainer. I will hopefully have him again, but I don't know when(I don't know what I'll do if I don't. I'll miss him like crazy!). I'm tired, kinda loopy feeling still. Going to go register the new blog tomorrow. I'll post one last post here with the directions. I've also set up a facebook profile for myself under my Pretty Thin name. I am going to use that for ONLY Pretty Thin, this blog and any other ED related sites I go to. Oh, I may have put cityville on that profile too.... damn that game is addictive ;) Bed.... I need sleep. Back to starving tomorrow :D

Better

That was today. I was still feeling miserable and my head was still fucked up a bit this morning, but after chiro, booking my uhaul and chilling out at home I hit the gym. I went out with friends last night but didn't drink or smoke or anything. They teased me, but I didn't eat anything, and had 3 jugs of diet coke. I didn't really feel like I fit in anymore. Listening to the one girl say that she created a deficit of calories each day so she could have a 600 cal poutine that night almost made my laugh, then puke. That poutine had to be close to 1000 cals, if not more, and creating a small deficit of 100 or so calories per day and then gorging on alcohol and poutine one night really won't help you balance things out. It will probalby add a few pounds instead. I went home depressed, still fucked up, cold and wanting to cry.... pretty much like I did when I drove home from the gym. What a fucked up day. Today I woke up feeling very similar. I went to chiro, chilled out at home then went to the gym. Shaun gave me a caffiene pill ( I think ) and holy fuck, within a very short time I was bursting with energy and feeling waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better. It was like being high, but retaining my memory. We powered through a leg day then I tried to kill myself on the spin bike for 35 min. I actually dripped sweat, something I never do. I don't know why, I just don't drip sweat ever.... except for today. Home, showered, ready for driving while vibrating from the pill. It peaked as I got home, and then I felt the effects until around 8pm or so. Worked until 1030pm and made some money, not quite as much as I had hoped for, but still a really good night. Shaun and his gal are coming over for dinner tomorrow so I'm making honey mustard salmon, steamed broccoli and brown rice. I may make banana bread or oatmeal cookies. I haven't decided yet. Today I did really well on intake. I was 144.0 this morning and almost fell of the scale in shock. I'm hoping to be below 145 by morning, but would be happier with below 144 (duh...). I had just a tea and half a glass of milk before the gym, and after I ate a yogurt, half the G2 drink, and took cucumber and a rice cake to work. I drank another tea, half a vitamin water and my water and ate the cucumber and only half the rice cake. Unfortunatly I shared a appetizer platter with one of the other girls, and then shared my half with the other driver so I did end up eating a bunch. It just felt like a shame that I was on my last shift and not able to eat something for half price. But now that's not a temptation anymore. I also ended up eating a bunch of chocolate covered ju jubes.... Tomorrow I would like to go for a bike ride but it depends on weather, roads, time, and how my poor legs feel. I HAVE to get some packing done tomorrow. I'm hoping for all CD's, excess dishes and cleaning out the shit room. Also, getting photos of the futon frame and the desk. I should clean out that thing too.... For food. I don't know. I guess it depends on what I weigh in the morning. I'd like to have some eggs or something but I'm not sure I can make myself. I almost want to go with nothing until dinner and then nothing again until Monday night after working out (5-6 so eat by 7?) but I don't think that will happen. I'll end up having to eat before so I don't completley crash... or maybe I should just crash. Ok, ice packs on my shoulder are no longer cold. Bed time.

Am I retarded (or am I just paranoid)

So not quite the lyric, but 'overjoyed' doesn't work. I'm definatly turning paranoid.

I'm concerned that people are going to find this blog. I use Toomi as an online name for so many things. If I google it, this blog is 2nd on the 3rd page.

I'm debating starting a new blog, changing the name, or both.

Frustrations and Binges

I was 147.0 this morning. Well on track again. I went to the meeting and had only tea until Ezie tossed out chocolates. I ended up eating 5 M&M Peanuts and one of those teeny tiny snickers bars... total of 150cals. I ate the leftover raw veggies from yesterday while heading out of town and was still fine until I pulled over to get gas. I bought a 10cal vitamin water, $1 worth of 5c candy and a small box of Glosette Raisins.... Then I had one of those flamethrower grilled chicken wraps. I managed to avoid pulling over for more shit food and once I got home I headed out for a massage I couldn't afford but desperatly needed. My back will thank me in the morning!
Once back I had my half a knorr beef vegetable soup which is about 80 cals and I only ate half.... Then I had strawberries in nutella, a rice cake, and 2 bites of a wheatabix.

I couldn't stop myself. I just kept eating. I'm having serious issues with giving into chocolate cravings and that is what is stopping me getting lower. I like the no breakfast and the IF, but this giving into cravings in the evenings is turning into BS.

I'm still below 150, but barely, by .2lb and that was before I had my tea. I'm hoping that I can have a miracle night and get back down below 148 by morning. Gym tomorrow, and no food until after the gym. I drive at 5pm too so I'll just have a yogurt and salad before, take something like dry cereal for munchies, and then if I'm hungry when I get home, the leftover salad. I also think Sunday should be a liquid day...

I just need to drop. I'm so focused on that but I'm allowing my stomach to dictate stupid things and I"m following it. I need to listen to what my head is saying. No more junk, chocolate will be allowed on treat days. As of right now I"m going back to the every 7 days I can have a 'cheat' treat. Goal of course is to skip that treat.

Also tomorrow I need to do some serious packing/cleaning. All the DVD's, CD's and the extra dishes need to be done tomorrow, and maybe get started in on my clothes that I won't be wearing (if I can clean everything first). I really need to organize my filing cabinet also.

Ugh. I really really want a good number in the morning. I'm feeling like such a fucking failiure. I was doing so well. I was 137.2 at my lowest, and now I'm desperate to get to 147.

TOO FUCKING FAT!!!!