I thought it was good. I picked it up today and took it to the gym... on the way home the engine light came on.
I'm getting a ride again tomorrow so I don't have to drive it. I'll take it back in after work and find out what's the scoop. If they try to charge me, I'm packing my shit and going home early on vacation. At least there's a mechanic there I can trust. And I'd rather be stranded there than here.
Gym was awesome. I miss Zumba. Did that, ran for 13min (my lungs aren't happy.... I'm fearing a chest infection.) and had my own leg day. Good thing too considering I managed to hit 152.2lbs this morning. Fattest I've been since Sept? Managed to eat less than 700 cals and burned 400 of that without the weight training. Biggest 'indulgence' was the 180cal Luna Bar for the protein. I should really start phasing those out and going back to soups. I will once I'm home.
I'm tired. I have to be up early.
And I'm fucking miserable.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Reflections and Aspirations
I started this blog May 15th, one month before I went to have the Time Of My Life. I did. Since then so much has happened. I've gone from being 191lbs to 138lbs. I have gone from barely able to run two blocks, to running 6km. I have dropped from a size 34 to a size 30 pants, and from a large/XL shirt to fitting all mediums and most smalls.
I've joined a gym, and made a friend in the process. Someone who is trained to watch for what I was trying to do. Someone who admitted that he had been wondering if there was something up with me. Someone who I repect, and yes, had a major crush on. I've learned from him. Learned so much about food, chemicals, exercise, muscles, and how the body works.
I've relocated. Living in two cities which will end in less than 30 days. In just shy of 60 days I will have to find a new place to live.
In 64 days I will have been keeping this blog for 1 year.
I've stopped making progess since October/November. I've gone up and down like a yo yo. I've looked good, and felt fat. I've binged more in the past 2 months than I have done all of September thru December.
It needs to stop.
That was the reflections.
This is the aspirations.
In 12 days I will run my first run. I will have a birthday the day before. I will be 142lbs or less by then.
I aim to be 125lbs at the least eventually. If I can hit 115 that would be perfect, however I may have to give up too much muscle mass to reach that point.
I would like to be at 125 by the time August is here. That way I can enjoy summer and summer fashions. Maybe I will even be able to wear a bikini top with shorts at that point?
Today I had a massive binge. My stomach hurts I ate so much. I can't even eat the cupcakes in the fridge. I think I'll leave those for the nephews.
Tommorow I begin agian. The last year has been about starting and getting 'healthy' again. Now it's about losing the fat and being skinny, and thin. I want to walk into a clothing store and pick out one of the smallest sizes they have to try on. I want to be the one at the gym that everyone is staring at.
The plan? Lose weight. Through restriction, fasting, and exercise. Note, there is no purging allowed!!! I can not get into that cycle!
I have learned much in the past year, I know I can do this as I've got this far. The hardest parts will be getting back into it. I will go through sugar cravings, and probably a fat withdrawal. Possibly even a carb withdrawal. With the late nights at the gym and 3 weeks vacation coming up control shouldn't be too much of an issue. What will be an issue is the amount of dinners, etc I will endure.
I am back to my normal 35cal yogurts. I have salad and a 45cal dressing (as it's too expensive to throw out. Will be going back to the 5cal dressing as soon as it's gone!), celery, water. I have tea, coffee, 35 cal reduced sugar hot chocolate, reduced sugar oatmeal, soups and Luna bars. I can have diet sodas again!!! I would prefer to limit those to 3 times a week though, as treats, or something instead of chocolate/candy. I still have suckers at home to help with sugar issues also.
4:30am I have to be up... hopefully some of this food in my gut will have been digested. I feel so full it hurts. I also weigh 152.5lbs, highest I've been since I binged at Thanksgiving and went to 151lbs. That's a Canadian Thanksgiving so it's even worse!!!
Bed. A new day tomorrow. A new phase begins.
I've joined a gym, and made a friend in the process. Someone who is trained to watch for what I was trying to do. Someone who admitted that he had been wondering if there was something up with me. Someone who I repect, and yes, had a major crush on. I've learned from him. Learned so much about food, chemicals, exercise, muscles, and how the body works.
I've relocated. Living in two cities which will end in less than 30 days. In just shy of 60 days I will have to find a new place to live.
In 64 days I will have been keeping this blog for 1 year.
I've stopped making progess since October/November. I've gone up and down like a yo yo. I've looked good, and felt fat. I've binged more in the past 2 months than I have done all of September thru December.
It needs to stop.
That was the reflections.
This is the aspirations.
In 12 days I will run my first run. I will have a birthday the day before. I will be 142lbs or less by then.
I aim to be 125lbs at the least eventually. If I can hit 115 that would be perfect, however I may have to give up too much muscle mass to reach that point.
I would like to be at 125 by the time August is here. That way I can enjoy summer and summer fashions. Maybe I will even be able to wear a bikini top with shorts at that point?
Today I had a massive binge. My stomach hurts I ate so much. I can't even eat the cupcakes in the fridge. I think I'll leave those for the nephews.
Tommorow I begin agian. The last year has been about starting and getting 'healthy' again. Now it's about losing the fat and being skinny, and thin. I want to walk into a clothing store and pick out one of the smallest sizes they have to try on. I want to be the one at the gym that everyone is staring at.
The plan? Lose weight. Through restriction, fasting, and exercise. Note, there is no purging allowed!!! I can not get into that cycle!
I have learned much in the past year, I know I can do this as I've got this far. The hardest parts will be getting back into it. I will go through sugar cravings, and probably a fat withdrawal. Possibly even a carb withdrawal. With the late nights at the gym and 3 weeks vacation coming up control shouldn't be too much of an issue. What will be an issue is the amount of dinners, etc I will endure.
I am back to my normal 35cal yogurts. I have salad and a 45cal dressing (as it's too expensive to throw out. Will be going back to the 5cal dressing as soon as it's gone!), celery, water. I have tea, coffee, 35 cal reduced sugar hot chocolate, reduced sugar oatmeal, soups and Luna bars. I can have diet sodas again!!! I would prefer to limit those to 3 times a week though, as treats, or something instead of chocolate/candy. I still have suckers at home to help with sugar issues also.
4:30am I have to be up... hopefully some of this food in my gut will have been digested. I feel so full it hurts. I also weigh 152.5lbs, highest I've been since I binged at Thanksgiving and went to 151lbs. That's a Canadian Thanksgiving so it's even worse!!!
Bed. A new day tomorrow. A new phase begins.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Its One Weekend
Full of binging!!!!
Today we had cinnamon buns for breakfast. Homemade ones. I was still hungry by the time I finished 2. At least there was no icing with them. So my friend made scrambled eggs, and I had a piece of toast with it.
Went grocery shopping, AFTER I finished eating my binge food I didn't eat last night. Then we had lunch, just soup and 2 whole wheat buns from last night.
Cleaned house. I cleaned my living areas, so downstairs, and got to jump around to my tunes. Not having a car is making me sad. I miss howling along to my music. I also played guitar A LOT. My poor fingers hurt. Couldn't make it through Wonderwall before I called it quits. However, got most of Redundant down and played Fucking Perfect again.
Then my friend and I headed out to a movie... with dinner first. Hit the 5 Guys in town as I've been talking about it the whole time I was GMO free, therefore it was off the list. I ate a burger, and half the fries, downing a diet soda as well. We headed to the movie but it was a huge line up and we would have been late for the movie. My coupon included popcorn so there was one bullet I dodged, until one of us mentionned Cinzeo. So off we went to buy MORE sugar.
Once home I weighed myself... yup, up again, though not quite at 150 yet.
I don't know what to do.
We're having french toast tomorrow, thanks to my big fucking mouth mentionning it while we were grocery shopping. I was supposed to go for brunch with Shaun tomorrow but as I'm stuck with no car, it's not happening. All I could think of was french toast, or more specifically, whipped creme.
The rest of the afternoon and evening I will have to myself, sans vehicle. I will probably nap, play on the computer, watch TV/movies, maybe walk up to Esso and get some more Vitamin Water (not ideal but I can't get to a grocery store very easily where I'm staying). I was going to order in pizza... I may still order in pizza. I don't know. I really really want it. I'm craving it.
Tomorrow can go two ways. I can stop eating after I have french toast, or I can stop after eating pizza. Either way I am going back to strict sugar intakes, no fruit, regular low fat, low sugar yogurt, salads, soups and overloading on gym time. Fuck knows I've got the energy/fat stores for it now.
I need my damn car back. I have to hit the gym on Monday. I need to go into overload mode!!!
Tonight... well it's water before bed and weigh myself in the morning. Eat french toast, feel fat and disgusting, maybe add some pizza on and then start the push. I have 12 days before my birthday.... 12 days to hit 140..
I bought some cute hats while shopping today for when I shave my head. However, a fat rounded face won't work. I can't pull off the super short hair if I'm fat. I won't be skinny in 2 weeks, but at least I can drop all this weight.
I see situps in my future, or pushups, everytime I feel hungry.
I just need to survive tomorrow.
Today we had cinnamon buns for breakfast. Homemade ones. I was still hungry by the time I finished 2. At least there was no icing with them. So my friend made scrambled eggs, and I had a piece of toast with it.
Went grocery shopping, AFTER I finished eating my binge food I didn't eat last night. Then we had lunch, just soup and 2 whole wheat buns from last night.
Cleaned house. I cleaned my living areas, so downstairs, and got to jump around to my tunes. Not having a car is making me sad. I miss howling along to my music. I also played guitar A LOT. My poor fingers hurt. Couldn't make it through Wonderwall before I called it quits. However, got most of Redundant down and played Fucking Perfect again.
Then my friend and I headed out to a movie... with dinner first. Hit the 5 Guys in town as I've been talking about it the whole time I was GMO free, therefore it was off the list. I ate a burger, and half the fries, downing a diet soda as well. We headed to the movie but it was a huge line up and we would have been late for the movie. My coupon included popcorn so there was one bullet I dodged, until one of us mentionned Cinzeo. So off we went to buy MORE sugar.
Once home I weighed myself... yup, up again, though not quite at 150 yet.
I don't know what to do.
We're having french toast tomorrow, thanks to my big fucking mouth mentionning it while we were grocery shopping. I was supposed to go for brunch with Shaun tomorrow but as I'm stuck with no car, it's not happening. All I could think of was french toast, or more specifically, whipped creme.
The rest of the afternoon and evening I will have to myself, sans vehicle. I will probably nap, play on the computer, watch TV/movies, maybe walk up to Esso and get some more Vitamin Water (not ideal but I can't get to a grocery store very easily where I'm staying). I was going to order in pizza... I may still order in pizza. I don't know. I really really want it. I'm craving it.
Tomorrow can go two ways. I can stop eating after I have french toast, or I can stop after eating pizza. Either way I am going back to strict sugar intakes, no fruit, regular low fat, low sugar yogurt, salads, soups and overloading on gym time. Fuck knows I've got the energy/fat stores for it now.
I need my damn car back. I have to hit the gym on Monday. I need to go into overload mode!!!
Tonight... well it's water before bed and weigh myself in the morning. Eat french toast, feel fat and disgusting, maybe add some pizza on and then start the push. I have 12 days before my birthday.... 12 days to hit 140..
I bought some cute hats while shopping today for when I shave my head. However, a fat rounded face won't work. I can't pull off the super short hair if I'm fat. I won't be skinny in 2 weeks, but at least I can drop all this weight.
I see situps in my future, or pushups, everytime I feel hungry.
I just need to survive tomorrow.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Fixing!!!
My car is being fixed!!! Only $350, with an oil change as it's smells like gas got in there. I should have it back tomorrow or Monday morning. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! I'm so incredilby excited. I can go back to the gym!!!
I binged today. Chocolate, gummy bears, and a cupcake. I feel so gross. I"m 148, I was 145.7lbs this morning. I want my control back.... it's the sugar that's doing it. If I have a diet soda I'm fine. Tomorrow I need to chuck the cake I bought, the Skor bar, and the leftover candy. When I go grocery shopping with my friend I need to get the Vitamin Water, and some diet soda. I have gum, so there's something to chew on. I have 2 weeks until my birthday. I can drop this weight and be, not skinny, but at least lighter, than I am now.
I'm fed up of seeing my fat.
I binged today. Chocolate, gummy bears, and a cupcake. I feel so gross. I"m 148, I was 145.7lbs this morning. I want my control back.... it's the sugar that's doing it. If I have a diet soda I'm fine. Tomorrow I need to chuck the cake I bought, the Skor bar, and the leftover candy. When I go grocery shopping with my friend I need to get the Vitamin Water, and some diet soda. I have gum, so there's something to chew on. I have 2 weeks until my birthday. I can drop this weight and be, not skinny, but at least lighter, than I am now.
I'm fed up of seeing my fat.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I Wanna Go Home
Car was not kind this morning. After dragging my reluctant ass out of bed I tested it, and it sounded fine. Ran just great. Then when I needed it to go to work, it went back to what it was doing yesterday. I called in for work at that point and have spent most of the day at Stephs house trying to figure out what to do, get it towed and find out what exactly my warranty covers.
It does cover a rental so I may still be able to go home. I really really want to. Just to sleep in my own bed, see Shaun, go to the gym.
I could stay here. I can handle that. It is just one weekend. Only if they can fix my car soon. If it's going to be weeks, I will go crazy. I will have to go home. I cant stay here.
I can't even think about it any more.
I was down .1lbs today. Not bad considering it's been a whole friggin week since I went to the gym. I'm getting lazy thanks to all this bs. This whole move was a bad idea. I'm getting fat and losing control of what I eat. Even today I had swiss chalet with the family for dinner. Had there been cupcakes in the house they would have been in grave danger of being eaten. However, I didn't eat any sugar after dinner. Just some dry organic bran flakes.
Wondering how little I can get away with eating tomorrow.... depends on if my car gets fixed or not.
It does cover a rental so I may still be able to go home. I really really want to. Just to sleep in my own bed, see Shaun, go to the gym.
I could stay here. I can handle that. It is just one weekend. Only if they can fix my car soon. If it's going to be weeks, I will go crazy. I will have to go home. I cant stay here.
I can't even think about it any more.
I was down .1lbs today. Not bad considering it's been a whole friggin week since I went to the gym. I'm getting lazy thanks to all this bs. This whole move was a bad idea. I'm getting fat and losing control of what I eat. Even today I had swiss chalet with the family for dinner. Had there been cupcakes in the house they would have been in grave danger of being eaten. However, I didn't eat any sugar after dinner. Just some dry organic bran flakes.
Wondering how little I can get away with eating tomorrow.... depends on if my car gets fixed or not.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I am exhausted. I am falling asleep.... I'm down again today, not by much. Managed to resist all temptations until I got home and had some poppycock.
Car was crazy today. Hoping that it was just the -41C temperaters that have fucked with it. -13C tomorrow so hopefully it will warm the car up.
More tomorrow, just so damn tired.
Car was crazy today. Hoping that it was just the -41C temperaters that have fucked with it. -13C tomorrow so hopefully it will warm the car up.
More tomorrow, just so damn tired.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Win and Lose
Started out the day sitting in traffic for 1hr 30 min trying to get to work. So far I think that is the longest commute ever, not including trips to this city when I lived in my old city for work..... By the time I hit work I had drunk most of my tea and was hungry. A black coffee helped tie me over, but I was eating my yogurt by 11am. Had a massive meeting from 1-5pm and I ate 3 cookies (reduced sugar ones but not really much better.), then my new GM gave me half her fries, so I ate those too!!!
At 8pm I left the store, 11.5hrs after I got there, and 13hrs since I left the house. I was tired. Dead on my feet. I figured if I went to the gym it would be 830 before I got there, 845 before I was doing some sort of exercise, and at least 10pm before I left. 11 to be home as I had to stop and pick up some supplies, then shower and bed, alarm going off for 545.
I couldn't. I just couldn't manage that. I need sleep. Even now at 11pm with no gym I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Instead I went to pick up the celery and dried prunes that I needed, and then went stupid on chocolate again. Almond bark this time, milk chocolate and dark. I also grabbed a croissant and some gummy bears. I want to puke and it's been 2 hours.
I was 146.5lbs this morning. I was 147.5 post shower. I've just had tea and half a rice cake since my binge so I just hope I can be 146.5 again in the morning. I'd be half assed on track to be 142 if I keep to a minimal diet.
I'm going to the gym tomorrow. I have to. Zumba is at 7pm so I have to leave work by 5:30 at the latest. Earlier I get there, more cardio is possible. Then go back on Thursday before work as I don't start until 1230, so go for 9am, work out till 11am or later, shower there and head to work. Do an arm day... Should do back and tris (aka chin up day) as I haven't done one of those in a while. Friday head home early again (try for hitting the road 330-4pm) and going to my gym for the evening. Do a 6km run and a leg workout as Saturday will be arms. I will get my 4 workouts in for this week, take Sunday off and then for next week go with Monday, Wednesday, Thurs or fri and sat.
I have to do new goals for the month. I'm thinking to aim for 140 by my birthday this month, and then maintain until the end of the month, or into the high 130's. Second goal has to be food related. I did so well with the non-purging last month and I hope that's out of my habits now, but I need to deal with the chocolate/candy/binging issues. I'm thinking to have a treat day once a week. Have A treat. Not a whole pile of different treats until I feel sick. Have a cookie, a bite of cake, something..... if I feel like it. If I can resist, resisit but it doesn't carry over to 2 treats the next week. I have no idea what the last one could be.... either do my 6k run in under 40min (sad, but I'm at 43min right now. I'm so slow, but 10lbs lighter would help that!!!) or moving related...
Excited for tomorrow for gym and kinda to see the scales too!!!
At 8pm I left the store, 11.5hrs after I got there, and 13hrs since I left the house. I was tired. Dead on my feet. I figured if I went to the gym it would be 830 before I got there, 845 before I was doing some sort of exercise, and at least 10pm before I left. 11 to be home as I had to stop and pick up some supplies, then shower and bed, alarm going off for 545.
I couldn't. I just couldn't manage that. I need sleep. Even now at 11pm with no gym I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Instead I went to pick up the celery and dried prunes that I needed, and then went stupid on chocolate again. Almond bark this time, milk chocolate and dark. I also grabbed a croissant and some gummy bears. I want to puke and it's been 2 hours.
I was 146.5lbs this morning. I was 147.5 post shower. I've just had tea and half a rice cake since my binge so I just hope I can be 146.5 again in the morning. I'd be half assed on track to be 142 if I keep to a minimal diet.
I'm going to the gym tomorrow. I have to. Zumba is at 7pm so I have to leave work by 5:30 at the latest. Earlier I get there, more cardio is possible. Then go back on Thursday before work as I don't start until 1230, so go for 9am, work out till 11am or later, shower there and head to work. Do an arm day... Should do back and tris (aka chin up day) as I haven't done one of those in a while. Friday head home early again (try for hitting the road 330-4pm) and going to my gym for the evening. Do a 6km run and a leg workout as Saturday will be arms. I will get my 4 workouts in for this week, take Sunday off and then for next week go with Monday, Wednesday, Thurs or fri and sat.
I have to do new goals for the month. I'm thinking to aim for 140 by my birthday this month, and then maintain until the end of the month, or into the high 130's. Second goal has to be food related. I did so well with the non-purging last month and I hope that's out of my habits now, but I need to deal with the chocolate/candy/binging issues. I'm thinking to have a treat day once a week. Have A treat. Not a whole pile of different treats until I feel sick. Have a cookie, a bite of cake, something..... if I feel like it. If I can resist, resisit but it doesn't carry over to 2 treats the next week. I have no idea what the last one could be.... either do my 6k run in under 40min (sad, but I'm at 43min right now. I'm so slow, but 10lbs lighter would help that!!!) or moving related...
Excited for tomorrow for gym and kinda to see the scales too!!!
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