Now lets see how long it will take for me to remember to write 2011 on the rent cheques!!!
Last night I reflected, today I will plan to achieve. I do not make resolutions. I hate that people take one day a year to make a plan to change their lives, to better themselves, but only 12% ever achieve those goals. Once they fail, the others drop the idea of improving their lifes, striving towards change and decide that 'maybe next year it will be easier.' Why only have one day a year for that? There's 365 (or 366...) days in a year, each day ready to achieve something, learn, grow, change, improve.
What will 2011 bring to me?
There's the massive change that I agreed to yesterday. I will be moving temporarily tomorrow, leaving in 11hrs. I will be living at a friends house with her hubby, and two boys, my 'nephews'. I will not be in complete control and will not have my privacy. It will be the first challenge. The other of course will be the new location for work, working with a new team and the various challenges they and the business present. I am looking forward to it but scared also.
New York? It's still up in the air. I'm not entirely sure yet if I can go. Once I'm up north I will be able to ask about vacation time as it could fall right when I'm supposed to move.
I'm doing a 6K run in the middle of March!!! It's the same fun run that I first volunteered at when I moved here when I was 12. It's nice that I get to actually do it for the first time ever. I want to be able to run the whole thing. Not too fussy about where I place as I'm not going to be top, I just want to finish ahead of the walkers.
I want to go do an overnight hike in the mountains. Take my pack and go with a group (bears scare me!!!!) for a 2 or 3 day hike. There'll be camping with Shannon of course, this year we're thinking of going east to Manitoba instead of into the mountains.
More ink.... I still want the ring tattoo, whatever Shannon and I decide to do for a friendship tattoo, something musical either behind my ear or the piece of music down my arm. I want one in New York if I make it there.... I'm also contemplating a new piercing... eyebrow? Upper ear? Maybe....
Money... I want to save. I want to stop the silly spending and pay off the cards, then focus on saving for trips, toys etc.
The big one... the weight. I want to hit 120 at least. I'd like to get down to 112-115lbs. I was 138 this morning, hoping for lower than 140 by morning. That's 26lbs to come off. It's slow going right now, I'm fighting every pound as I keep bouncing up as soon as I get a good loss on the roll. I'm hoping this move will help in the lack of intake as the new folk won't know what to watch for, but my friend will. There will be less availability of food and less opportunity to binge, but there will be more opportunity to eat 'normally' so I will have to resist that...
That's some of my 2011. I wonder what this year will bring......
Today was busy!!! I did a ton of running around and planned a lunch. I bought a greek salad for 180cals total, and a pack of sushi, 420cals but was only going to eat half. I was so busy I couldn't eat it before heading to Shannons for dinner. Dinner was good! Much better than I thought. We had the salmon with corn and cheese toast. I was served one piece of cheese toast, and one piece of fish. I ate the fish and a few pieces of stuffing but all the bread and corn. I had 2 cans of diet caffeine free Coke and a piece of rhubarb strawberry pie with real creme for desert. I was craving chocolate but as it's New Years Day the stores closed early so that stopped a potential binge.
I thought tomorrow would be a perfect day to do a liquid fast but then had this salad and sushi. I chose to 'snack' on that so I ate just shy of half the salad and 4 pieces of sushi, probably 300 calories. I did have a few more things (a can of diet pepsi, rice cake, licorice......)
It's 2am and I wanted to get up at 6am. I have to do some laundry, pack, hit the gym, go buy that MacBook (not for me, for a friend but I got a deal so he's paying me back), hit Safeway for the berry juice, go to the gym for 2hrs, clean out the car, make sure the house is good before heading off. I'm paranoid I'm going to forget something important.
Plan is to have a liquid only day again as I really do enjoy them. A cup of tea when I get up, and water at the gym. I'll have some of the mocha drink before and after for the protein (it expires on Monday as I got it super cheap). Water until I hit the road, then tea and vitamin water for the drive. For 'dinner' the berry smoothie and then more water and tea. I'm hoping I can skip dinner and make some lame assed excuse. I may hit the mall which wont' be too much fun as I'll have spent all my money that morning. I do have to find the gym closest to me, and I do have to figure out a good way to get to work and back. I'll tell Stef that I ate with some of the guys at work and am not hungry. Plus the early day means and early night and no food.....
My neck hurts... my right hip hurts... it's definatly time for bed.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
Goodbye to 2010
Another year in the bag. This one certainly has been a life changing year!!!
I entered 2010 trying to quit smoking, and almost 190lbs. I vowed to eat healthy and begin exercising, begining with a walk in the riverbottom on Jan 1st (pure coincidence. I had the day off. I hate resolutions) and eventually evolving in May to a very serious attempt to get in shape. It got a bit warped in July/August and I've done nothing but encourage it, but I am hoping I will enter 2011 under 140.0lbs.
I've joined a gym, got a trainer, and stuck to a plan. I love going there, the classes, the people who work there and also clients. My trainer is amazing and in the past little while really feels like a friendship has evolved. He is someone that I know can make me smile even when I'm having the worst day, even when his world is crashing around him.
I've dealt with the blow of having my boss get promoted (yay her!!!!) and leave the store. I've weathered the change of management with my new boss being an asshole. I've accomplished a few high scores, received recognition for the work I've done, and made a name for myself around the western team.
I've added 3 guitars and a bass to my collection, the first guitar of the year being my dream guitar, my baby. I can play and sing, though not in public!
I took the plunge and went to see my favourite band for the first time ever, flying halfway around the world to do so. I loved it so much I went to Oakland to see them in their home town.
In my mind I can see images of traipsing all over the Great Orme in Wales, seeing Gilman Street for the first time, walking all over Oakland with my pack, camping in Fernie in the glorious mountains and many many more.
I've changed physically. I've chopped my once blonde shoulder length hair to a fauxhawk that is now black. It's been various shades of brown and blue in between. I've added two new tattoos this year, and shed 50lbs. Instead of wearing only jeans and a big baggy sweater, I wear girly sweaters, and other clothes that are more fashionable and fitting. My work with Shaun has produced some nice muscle definition but there's still a long way to go. I can lift more, run further, push harder, and am more in tune with my body than I ever have been.
I've changed emotionally. I feel better about myself and have more confidence. I've stepped out of my shell and tried new experiences. I have still cried at the drop of a hat but have gotten much better at that recently, and have improved on keeping some of my anger, and other emotions internal.
Despite my food issues I am probably healthier than I have been since I was 15.
What does this mean for 2011? Well, that will be posted tomorrow.
Today was another interesting day. I could NOT fall asleep, posting on Facebook again and having Shaun and Falcon start up conversations. Eventually I got about 3hrs sleep before heading into work at 5am with -28C temperatures... yup, winter hath returneth!!!
Worked for 3.5hrs before I got the official offer to take the new job. It's a 'temporary' position as they may have to have me back here for March, but they're trying to get approval to override that. I said yes. At this point it would be silly to say no. I have to meet my new boss on Sunday in the new city.
My head is still spinning.
I had a massage today and she said my neck and shoulders are very very tight and she reccomends more frequent massages. As much as I don't want to, she may be right. Went back to work for a tripod then to the gym for 40min on the elliptical.
Leg day for training. We upped some of the weights, but for the leg squat we went to four sets instead of three. Leg squats, calf, and the groin/hip flexers one. Once again we yapped way too much, but it's awesome. Left wishing each other happy new years and for a fleeing moment I wondered what it would be like to hug him.
Home then out driving where it was really busy. Then I followed through with my dinner plans from last night. Post gym I was 138.7lbs. Currently 139.7. Considering my binge I was expecting much worse.
Tomorrow, I am hoping for 138.9 or lower. I have to clean the house really well tomorrow as that will be it until next week. I also need to go purchase a small cooler and ice pack and buy two of some things so I can have a set of somethings here, and somethings at my friends house in the new city.. things like makeup, pj's, toothbrust etc.
I have to be in the new store by about 3ish on Sunday, so I may still be able to hit the gym. Tomorrow I have dinner at my one friends so that will help counter that.
My mind is starting to bounce all over the place. I need sleep.
Happy New Year all!!!
I entered 2010 trying to quit smoking, and almost 190lbs. I vowed to eat healthy and begin exercising, begining with a walk in the riverbottom on Jan 1st (pure coincidence. I had the day off. I hate resolutions) and eventually evolving in May to a very serious attempt to get in shape. It got a bit warped in July/August and I've done nothing but encourage it, but I am hoping I will enter 2011 under 140.0lbs.
I've joined a gym, got a trainer, and stuck to a plan. I love going there, the classes, the people who work there and also clients. My trainer is amazing and in the past little while really feels like a friendship has evolved. He is someone that I know can make me smile even when I'm having the worst day, even when his world is crashing around him.
I've dealt with the blow of having my boss get promoted (yay her!!!!) and leave the store. I've weathered the change of management with my new boss being an asshole. I've accomplished a few high scores, received recognition for the work I've done, and made a name for myself around the western team.
I've added 3 guitars and a bass to my collection, the first guitar of the year being my dream guitar, my baby. I can play and sing, though not in public!
I took the plunge and went to see my favourite band for the first time ever, flying halfway around the world to do so. I loved it so much I went to Oakland to see them in their home town.
In my mind I can see images of traipsing all over the Great Orme in Wales, seeing Gilman Street for the first time, walking all over Oakland with my pack, camping in Fernie in the glorious mountains and many many more.
I've changed physically. I've chopped my once blonde shoulder length hair to a fauxhawk that is now black. It's been various shades of brown and blue in between. I've added two new tattoos this year, and shed 50lbs. Instead of wearing only jeans and a big baggy sweater, I wear girly sweaters, and other clothes that are more fashionable and fitting. My work with Shaun has produced some nice muscle definition but there's still a long way to go. I can lift more, run further, push harder, and am more in tune with my body than I ever have been.
I've changed emotionally. I feel better about myself and have more confidence. I've stepped out of my shell and tried new experiences. I have still cried at the drop of a hat but have gotten much better at that recently, and have improved on keeping some of my anger, and other emotions internal.
Despite my food issues I am probably healthier than I have been since I was 15.
What does this mean for 2011? Well, that will be posted tomorrow.
Today was another interesting day. I could NOT fall asleep, posting on Facebook again and having Shaun and Falcon start up conversations. Eventually I got about 3hrs sleep before heading into work at 5am with -28C temperatures... yup, winter hath returneth!!!
Worked for 3.5hrs before I got the official offer to take the new job. It's a 'temporary' position as they may have to have me back here for March, but they're trying to get approval to override that. I said yes. At this point it would be silly to say no. I have to meet my new boss on Sunday in the new city.
My head is still spinning.
I had a massage today and she said my neck and shoulders are very very tight and she reccomends more frequent massages. As much as I don't want to, she may be right. Went back to work for a tripod then to the gym for 40min on the elliptical.
Leg day for training. We upped some of the weights, but for the leg squat we went to four sets instead of three. Leg squats, calf, and the groin/hip flexers one. Once again we yapped way too much, but it's awesome. Left wishing each other happy new years and for a fleeing moment I wondered what it would be like to hug him.
Home then out driving where it was really busy. Then I followed through with my dinner plans from last night. Post gym I was 138.7lbs. Currently 139.7. Considering my binge I was expecting much worse.
Tomorrow, I am hoping for 138.9 or lower. I have to clean the house really well tomorrow as that will be it until next week. I also need to go purchase a small cooler and ice pack and buy two of some things so I can have a set of somethings here, and somethings at my friends house in the new city.. things like makeup, pj's, toothbrust etc.
I have to be in the new store by about 3ish on Sunday, so I may still be able to hit the gym. Tomorrow I have dinner at my one friends so that will help counter that.
My mind is starting to bounce all over the place. I need sleep.
Happy New Year all!!!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Where To Start?
Today has been a bit crazy. Just all over the place. I'm not sure where to start, or where my thoughts end. I couldn't sleep last night so maybe that's what is screwing with me. I laid there for a while, nodded off, then woke up again. I posted some shit on facebook, had my trainer respond and then continued a game of scrabble with another friend... all at 2am.
My alarm went off at 8am to go to the gym, but I was tired so I kept sleeping for another half an hour until my old boss shot me a text asking if I was up for a chat. I'd fired her that email last night frustrated about my current boss and how he was treating me and other staff. We chatted for at least a half an hour and I felt much better, but still frustrated. She told me to talk to my HR gal but I dislike and don't trust her. I said I'd think about it.
I headed to work, picking up a medium black coffee as a treat along the way. Jumped into the office and while I did work for most of the day, I also did a lot of pissing around, on my phone, talking, bitching, just wandering. Towards the end of my shift my boss did call me and tell me he wanted some time with me tomorrow, a half hour or so. I told him it wasn't fair of him to ask me that as I would stress all night so I badgered him into telling me. I swore I wouldn't tell anyone, but the request to move is going to happen tomorrow. It's much sooner than I wanted, as they will ask for me to be up there by Sunday. I'm not sure how this is going to work out, so we'll see what the details are tomorrow.
This is all stressing me out. I want this, I really do, there's just so many 'buts' in there too! I'm nervous about living with my friend. It will only be for 5days a week for at max 2 months, but I won't be able to control as much what I eat, or when I eat. Though I began to think that if I pretend I'm working long days I can pretend I'm eating at work, and hitting the gym instead. I could theoretically drop a fair amount of weight if I play my cards right....
I'm going to miss my privacy. I love her two little boys, my nephews, but I like my 'alone' time as well. I think I will drive back every Friday and go back up there every Monday or Sunday night. That was I can still train with Shaun every Saturday and drive those nights too. Plus there's the packing I'll have to do and I'll enjoy being in my own bed.
I need to stop thinking about this and wait until tomorrow to find out details without having to speculate.
Today went well. I've not eaten anything, just liquids. I had tea, coffee, water, vitamin water, my Berry Boost juice, the last of the mocha one, more tea and a low cal hot chocolate. I did have half of the light tomato soup for 84cals but I count that as a liquid. I could never do a water fast I don't think. I just couldn't deal with my stomach.....
All in all 508 cals (it was those damn juices... but if they do the job, they're worth the extra cals).
Tomorrow I have to be up and at work by 5am.. a mere 5hrs and 48 min away. Tea and maybe a coffee will be the order of business for the morning!!! I will work until my chiro appt at 8:40am, then I have nothing until my massage at noon (so looking forward to that!!!). Noon till 1 is the massage, and I want to be at the gym by 2. I will need to eat something by noon, and then something else after 1. Maybe a yogurt? some salad? Not sure yet. I also drive tomorrow and am really tempted to get one of those dinner boxes as a treat. I'll work till 10pm and maybe if I don't snack all shift I will get the dinner box and have some mac and cheese. Just a bit. Maybe. Maybe I won't and I'll get even lower. Yeah....
Fuck.
Going to a friends house on Jan 1st for dinner so maybe I should save my 'binging' for that day.
C'mon morning... lets leave 140 behind and never touch it again in 2011!!!!
My alarm went off at 8am to go to the gym, but I was tired so I kept sleeping for another half an hour until my old boss shot me a text asking if I was up for a chat. I'd fired her that email last night frustrated about my current boss and how he was treating me and other staff. We chatted for at least a half an hour and I felt much better, but still frustrated. She told me to talk to my HR gal but I dislike and don't trust her. I said I'd think about it.
I headed to work, picking up a medium black coffee as a treat along the way. Jumped into the office and while I did work for most of the day, I also did a lot of pissing around, on my phone, talking, bitching, just wandering. Towards the end of my shift my boss did call me and tell me he wanted some time with me tomorrow, a half hour or so. I told him it wasn't fair of him to ask me that as I would stress all night so I badgered him into telling me. I swore I wouldn't tell anyone, but the request to move is going to happen tomorrow. It's much sooner than I wanted, as they will ask for me to be up there by Sunday. I'm not sure how this is going to work out, so we'll see what the details are tomorrow.
This is all stressing me out. I want this, I really do, there's just so many 'buts' in there too! I'm nervous about living with my friend. It will only be for 5days a week for at max 2 months, but I won't be able to control as much what I eat, or when I eat. Though I began to think that if I pretend I'm working long days I can pretend I'm eating at work, and hitting the gym instead. I could theoretically drop a fair amount of weight if I play my cards right....
I'm going to miss my privacy. I love her two little boys, my nephews, but I like my 'alone' time as well. I think I will drive back every Friday and go back up there every Monday or Sunday night. That was I can still train with Shaun every Saturday and drive those nights too. Plus there's the packing I'll have to do and I'll enjoy being in my own bed.
I need to stop thinking about this and wait until tomorrow to find out details without having to speculate.
Today went well. I've not eaten anything, just liquids. I had tea, coffee, water, vitamin water, my Berry Boost juice, the last of the mocha one, more tea and a low cal hot chocolate. I did have half of the light tomato soup for 84cals but I count that as a liquid. I could never do a water fast I don't think. I just couldn't deal with my stomach.....
All in all 508 cals (it was those damn juices... but if they do the job, they're worth the extra cals).
Tomorrow I have to be up and at work by 5am.. a mere 5hrs and 48 min away. Tea and maybe a coffee will be the order of business for the morning!!! I will work until my chiro appt at 8:40am, then I have nothing until my massage at noon (so looking forward to that!!!). Noon till 1 is the massage, and I want to be at the gym by 2. I will need to eat something by noon, and then something else after 1. Maybe a yogurt? some salad? Not sure yet. I also drive tomorrow and am really tempted to get one of those dinner boxes as a treat. I'll work till 10pm and maybe if I don't snack all shift I will get the dinner box and have some mac and cheese. Just a bit. Maybe. Maybe I won't and I'll get even lower. Yeah....
Fuck.
Going to a friends house on Jan 1st for dinner so maybe I should save my 'binging' for that day.
C'mon morning... lets leave 140 behind and never touch it again in 2011!!!!
A Response To Bree
In case you didn't notice, I'm not following your blog. I am an adult and can find blogs perfectly fine on my own. I did visit your blog once and could not bear to deal with the lousy music that plays when I load the page. Stop leaving spam comments on my posts. Please comment only if you have something genuine to say about my life, my day, my constant struggle with what I don't want to consider an eating disorder.
Do you?
No?
Just self promotion?
Then fuck off.
Do you?
No?
Just self promotion?
Then fuck off.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Popcorn and Nutella
That's how my evening ended.
I started off somewhat ok. I got up late, but I slept deeply, better than I have in a long time. I made my tea, checked PT, got ready for work and went out into the falling snow to head to work. Jumped in the office to do some stuff and was there for a while before Sheri asked me to come help with the lineup. No prob!!! Right out and helping until we took care of it and I went back to doing my work. Apparently that wasn't good enough for my boss but instead of coming to me, he chose to make snide comments to Sheri. When I finally ran into him it was about another employee that had hurt themselves, and then later while he joked about chocolate in the lunch room. He never said a word to me, negative or otherwise.
Whatever. He's off tomorrow so I don't have to deal with him. I mean, I understand that the plan was to have me up front, helping with the lineups, but we didn't have any lineups. Does he really want to pay his 3rd highest person in the store to stand at the entrance bored out of her mind?
Towards the end of my shift I felt sorry for Chris in the warehouse and decided I could go help him out so we hauled TV's and appliances around for a few hours. I left 2.5hrs late but I always enjoy working in the warehouse, especially as Chris is a good guy to work with. However, my shoulder was bugging me a bit earlier, and it was really hurting when I left. I'm not sure if it's in the bone or muscle but it's really bad if I put weight on my arm. Even lifting my purse hurt.
I ended up eating after all. Matt brought chocolates and was so happy to bring me one. He dragged me into the lunch room to give me one so I had one and itwas delightful! So he gave me another and insisted I have it. So I ate it too. 140calories for both pieces. I had a few pieces of my 72% dark chocolate and then figured I'd just get right back to fasting. Until I wandered into the lunch room later and ate 4 cookies and a bowl of frosted flakes. I love dry cereal!!!! I ate the rice cake I didn't eat the other day and the rest of the chocolate. I managed not to eat the cake I've brought for someone else but it was a close call. Once home I ate cottage cheese, 3 chips with salsa and a bowl of cheerios with milk. Once that was done I had a bag of 100cal popcorn dipped in nutella. It's one of my favourite snacks and unfortunatly tonight it turned into a mini binge.
I'm hoping I can still be 141.? by morning. I am supposed to be 140.9 by morning. I'm still debating if I want to hit the gym in the morning. I really should, even if it's just for an hour. It'll be bloody cold, deep snow, and I'll have to be there by 9am at the latest. Hopefully the -20C will keep people away. No running though..... think I should still rest my knee. Bike or elliptical, maybe some weights, possibly kill my abs?
Plan is to do the liquid fast tomorrow. Same plan as today, but this time follow through.
Wander: I gotta say I was pretty floored after that number. That's kinda why I want to do another and why I'm so scared to keep doing it. Just watching it drop is addictive (apparently not enough to keep me away from food today though....) For the trainer weighing me in... first time freaked me out on that very first appointment. By the first month weigh in I was stoked as I'd dropped 10lbs and he was really excited about it. Same the next month. As the last 3 months have ticked by and it's been less loss each time I've not been as elated, but it's still a loss. As fucked up as it sounds, I want to see how he reacts when I get lower than he wants me to be. I want him to say I'm too low. Why? Not a clue. Maybe it's some kind of validation that I'm 'getting somewhere' in my mind.
I started off somewhat ok. I got up late, but I slept deeply, better than I have in a long time. I made my tea, checked PT, got ready for work and went out into the falling snow to head to work. Jumped in the office to do some stuff and was there for a while before Sheri asked me to come help with the lineup. No prob!!! Right out and helping until we took care of it and I went back to doing my work. Apparently that wasn't good enough for my boss but instead of coming to me, he chose to make snide comments to Sheri. When I finally ran into him it was about another employee that had hurt themselves, and then later while he joked about chocolate in the lunch room. He never said a word to me, negative or otherwise.
Whatever. He's off tomorrow so I don't have to deal with him. I mean, I understand that the plan was to have me up front, helping with the lineups, but we didn't have any lineups. Does he really want to pay his 3rd highest person in the store to stand at the entrance bored out of her mind?
Towards the end of my shift I felt sorry for Chris in the warehouse and decided I could go help him out so we hauled TV's and appliances around for a few hours. I left 2.5hrs late but I always enjoy working in the warehouse, especially as Chris is a good guy to work with. However, my shoulder was bugging me a bit earlier, and it was really hurting when I left. I'm not sure if it's in the bone or muscle but it's really bad if I put weight on my arm. Even lifting my purse hurt.
I ended up eating after all. Matt brought chocolates and was so happy to bring me one. He dragged me into the lunch room to give me one so I had one and itwas delightful! So he gave me another and insisted I have it. So I ate it too. 140calories for both pieces. I had a few pieces of my 72% dark chocolate and then figured I'd just get right back to fasting. Until I wandered into the lunch room later and ate 4 cookies and a bowl of frosted flakes. I love dry cereal!!!! I ate the rice cake I didn't eat the other day and the rest of the chocolate. I managed not to eat the cake I've brought for someone else but it was a close call. Once home I ate cottage cheese, 3 chips with salsa and a bowl of cheerios with milk. Once that was done I had a bag of 100cal popcorn dipped in nutella. It's one of my favourite snacks and unfortunatly tonight it turned into a mini binge.
I'm hoping I can still be 141.? by morning. I am supposed to be 140.9 by morning. I'm still debating if I want to hit the gym in the morning. I really should, even if it's just for an hour. It'll be bloody cold, deep snow, and I'll have to be there by 9am at the latest. Hopefully the -20C will keep people away. No running though..... think I should still rest my knee. Bike or elliptical, maybe some weights, possibly kill my abs?
Plan is to do the liquid fast tomorrow. Same plan as today, but this time follow through.
Wander: I gotta say I was pretty floored after that number. That's kinda why I want to do another and why I'm so scared to keep doing it. Just watching it drop is addictive (apparently not enough to keep me away from food today though....) For the trainer weighing me in... first time freaked me out on that very first appointment. By the first month weigh in I was stoked as I'd dropped 10lbs and he was really excited about it. Same the next month. As the last 3 months have ticked by and it's been less loss each time I've not been as elated, but it's still a loss. As fucked up as it sounds, I want to see how he reacts when I get lower than he wants me to be. I want him to say I'm too low. Why? Not a clue. Maybe it's some kind of validation that I'm 'getting somewhere' in my mind.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sucess and Failiure
Managed a glorious 141.9lbs this morning, much better than what I hoped for. I'm over my goals, but not by much, only over by 0.6 for goal 5.
Work today was ok. We were not as busy as we were last year on returns day 1, but with the systems very slow things got a tiny bit backed up dealing with customers, and majorly backed up dealing with product. When I left there was a mountain of stuff that was awaiting an audit.
I yelled at a few people, and people were pissing me off. Sheri wanted to do just the auditing, while I needed her to do what I was doing so I could get on a computer and fix all the inventory fuck ups from the last few days. She pansied around it for a bit and I got pretty frustrated and yelled at Gary about it. I barely saw him all day, he didn't even say goodbye when he left but I should be used to that by now.
I hate that I'm becomming a time card puncher. I leave when my shift is done, not when my stuff is done. I still care about what I do, I like most of the people I work with, I'm just getting more frustrated. Every time Gary tells me 'good job' it's never a spur of the moment thing, it's always some bullshit timing. Something like when we had our bonus buydown and he gave me a bunch of compliments. I'm sure he had to do that as per HR and it always seems so forced, like he's expected to do it at that point, and always with an audience. I much rather prefer the thank you's or good jobs I get in emails, or a clap on the back from the district team. I know that's spur of the moment and genuine. Otherwise why bother doing it?
What got me onto that? Well, he's done nothing but bitch about how things have gone. Christmas Eve wasn't set up properly (No shit, we didn't have enough people and we told you that!!!), Boxing Day was not as good as we wanted it (Sunday in an area of the country where a vast majority of our population belongs to a religion that will not spend on a Sunday...), resetting the store last night didn't get done properly (again, no staff scheduled, and we were all VERY tired from the 12hr minimum shift the day previous) and today things weren't just as he wanted them. How can he possibly say good job and then bitch about what me and my team are doing wrong.
I miss my old boss.
I ended up spending too much time in the lunch room and in the process ate way too much. I started with a few peanuts, then a chocolate ball, then a mini donut, and a half a bowl of dry cereal... which progressed to half a sandwich, more cookies, cereal, chocolate, licorrice.... Yeah, I felt like shit pretty quickly.
By the time I got to the gym I was dying of thirst and later than I wanted to be so I managed 20 min on the treadmill before training began. Arm day 2 and we did change it up a tiny bit, just doing some of the exercises first instead of last.
It was a wierd session, bad but good. Some shit's going on in Shauns life which sucks, but I'm glad he feels like he can talk to me. It's my curse, to be the friend, the one who listens to the problems of others with a sympathetic ear. I truly do care about my friends but I felt like shit coz I wasn't sure how to respond. We ended up talking about how he got into personal training and that was interesting. It really is an example of someone doing what they love to do, and what fascinates them.
I'm a tad jealous.
Tomorrow is a mid shift, so no time to hit the gym (probably a good thing seeing as I've done something to my knee....) before or after work. Thinking of doing another fast, actually beyond thinking, just going ahead and doing. I'll get up early enough to jump on the bike at home for a bit (9am or earlier) and do some work on the fit ball/yoga. See if I can hit an hour, then get ready for work. Morning will be water, and tea. Once at work, water, vitamin water, and my leftover berry juice will be the items of the day, as well as staying the fuck out of the lunch room. For dinner I have the leftover tomato soup (yeah, not technically 'allowed' on a liquid fast but whatever, I don't have to chew it and it's 80 cals)
Hoping I can get 141.5 or lower by morning, and then 140 by Thursday morning. Not sure I can thanks to my stupid pigging out today but we'll see.
Fuck I'm back into only thinking/blogging about my damn food intake, gym time and weight. Even today Shaun was bugging me about gaining weight over Christmas. I told him I did gain a bit, but have lost most of it. He immediatly made some comment about eating disorders which I of course laughed off. He went on to joke about not eating for 3 days to drop the weight. It's making me feel a bit panicked. I have so much more to lose!!! I can not be 'called out' now, especially as while I do have food/weight issues, I want to actually feel like I've accomplished 'slim' before someone kicks up a fuss. I'm still thinking 120 would be a nice goal but I'm wondering if I can hit 115.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.... this is a fucked up mind I live in. A delusion.
And I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE IT!!!!!
Work today was ok. We were not as busy as we were last year on returns day 1, but with the systems very slow things got a tiny bit backed up dealing with customers, and majorly backed up dealing with product. When I left there was a mountain of stuff that was awaiting an audit.
I yelled at a few people, and people were pissing me off. Sheri wanted to do just the auditing, while I needed her to do what I was doing so I could get on a computer and fix all the inventory fuck ups from the last few days. She pansied around it for a bit and I got pretty frustrated and yelled at Gary about it. I barely saw him all day, he didn't even say goodbye when he left but I should be used to that by now.
I hate that I'm becomming a time card puncher. I leave when my shift is done, not when my stuff is done. I still care about what I do, I like most of the people I work with, I'm just getting more frustrated. Every time Gary tells me 'good job' it's never a spur of the moment thing, it's always some bullshit timing. Something like when we had our bonus buydown and he gave me a bunch of compliments. I'm sure he had to do that as per HR and it always seems so forced, like he's expected to do it at that point, and always with an audience. I much rather prefer the thank you's or good jobs I get in emails, or a clap on the back from the district team. I know that's spur of the moment and genuine. Otherwise why bother doing it?
What got me onto that? Well, he's done nothing but bitch about how things have gone. Christmas Eve wasn't set up properly (No shit, we didn't have enough people and we told you that!!!), Boxing Day was not as good as we wanted it (Sunday in an area of the country where a vast majority of our population belongs to a religion that will not spend on a Sunday...), resetting the store last night didn't get done properly (again, no staff scheduled, and we were all VERY tired from the 12hr minimum shift the day previous) and today things weren't just as he wanted them. How can he possibly say good job and then bitch about what me and my team are doing wrong.
I miss my old boss.
I ended up spending too much time in the lunch room and in the process ate way too much. I started with a few peanuts, then a chocolate ball, then a mini donut, and a half a bowl of dry cereal... which progressed to half a sandwich, more cookies, cereal, chocolate, licorrice.... Yeah, I felt like shit pretty quickly.
By the time I got to the gym I was dying of thirst and later than I wanted to be so I managed 20 min on the treadmill before training began. Arm day 2 and we did change it up a tiny bit, just doing some of the exercises first instead of last.
It was a wierd session, bad but good. Some shit's going on in Shauns life which sucks, but I'm glad he feels like he can talk to me. It's my curse, to be the friend, the one who listens to the problems of others with a sympathetic ear. I truly do care about my friends but I felt like shit coz I wasn't sure how to respond. We ended up talking about how he got into personal training and that was interesting. It really is an example of someone doing what they love to do, and what fascinates them.
I'm a tad jealous.
Tomorrow is a mid shift, so no time to hit the gym (probably a good thing seeing as I've done something to my knee....) before or after work. Thinking of doing another fast, actually beyond thinking, just going ahead and doing. I'll get up early enough to jump on the bike at home for a bit (9am or earlier) and do some work on the fit ball/yoga. See if I can hit an hour, then get ready for work. Morning will be water, and tea. Once at work, water, vitamin water, and my leftover berry juice will be the items of the day, as well as staying the fuck out of the lunch room. For dinner I have the leftover tomato soup (yeah, not technically 'allowed' on a liquid fast but whatever, I don't have to chew it and it's 80 cals)
Hoping I can get 141.5 or lower by morning, and then 140 by Thursday morning. Not sure I can thanks to my stupid pigging out today but we'll see.
Fuck I'm back into only thinking/blogging about my damn food intake, gym time and weight. Even today Shaun was bugging me about gaining weight over Christmas. I told him I did gain a bit, but have lost most of it. He immediatly made some comment about eating disorders which I of course laughed off. He went on to joke about not eating for 3 days to drop the weight. It's making me feel a bit panicked. I have so much more to lose!!! I can not be 'called out' now, especially as while I do have food/weight issues, I want to actually feel like I've accomplished 'slim' before someone kicks up a fuss. I'm still thinking 120 would be a nice goal but I'm wondering if I can hit 115.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.... this is a fucked up mind I live in. A delusion.
And I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE IT!!!!!
Monday, December 27, 2010
To Fast
I chose to fast today, a liquid fast. I'm happy with how I've done so far. I've had less than 400 cals and not a single morsel of food. No chewing involved today at all!
Got up and hit the gym, doing a 30min run followed by a leg day, then 15min on the bike to cool down. Hit Safeway and grabbed two smoothies. They're the Bolthouse Farms, 450mls. After much debate I got the Berry Boost and the Mocha Cappuccino with the extra protein in it. I had half the Mocha when I got home (178 cals) and took the other to work. At work I had my tea which lasted forever, around 800mls of water (a bit low on water today), half the Berry Boost smoothie and the Fuji Pear 10cal Vitamin water. Once I got home I brewed some tea. The juices were higher in calories, but worth it I hope. They're also super high in sugars though. Not sure I would get the Mocha one too often as it really is quite sweet. It was about 178cals for half, the Berry one was about 130cals for half. I've calculated it out and it's 387cals total, and -78cals net not including the leg work.
This morning I was 145.1lbs. Currently 143.9lbs. Hoping to get down to 143.0 or lower. I have until the 31st to drop below 140 so that gives me 4 days to drop this extra weight and it will put me back on track for the toughest goal.
Tomorrow is going to be a hard long day at work with loads of running about. I have to bail right at 530 in order to get to the gym and on a treadmil. Try to do 40min before training, then possibly no cooldown, haven't decided yet. I guess it depends on how exhausted I am.
I would love to keep this fast going but I have to eat tomorrow. I don't know if I want cereal or oatmeal for breakfast and of course tea. Take a yogurt and salad to work, and finish off the berry boost. I'll take a rice cake too and allow myself a few chips from the lunch room, but no cookies or candy. Maybe some dried cereal instead as I can happily munch on dry cheerios or frosted flakes for a treat? It all depends on how busy I'm going to be!!! For dinner I'll have to have veggies and depending on how I feel, maybe some soup. I'd like to keep it under 600 cals where at all possible...
Shaun posted a video on his facebook today and damn I just love that song. They lyrics are just going around and around in my head right now.
Got up and hit the gym, doing a 30min run followed by a leg day, then 15min on the bike to cool down. Hit Safeway and grabbed two smoothies. They're the Bolthouse Farms, 450mls. After much debate I got the Berry Boost and the Mocha Cappuccino with the extra protein in it. I had half the Mocha when I got home (178 cals) and took the other to work. At work I had my tea which lasted forever, around 800mls of water (a bit low on water today), half the Berry Boost smoothie and the Fuji Pear 10cal Vitamin water. Once I got home I brewed some tea. The juices were higher in calories, but worth it I hope. They're also super high in sugars though. Not sure I would get the Mocha one too often as it really is quite sweet. It was about 178cals for half, the Berry one was about 130cals for half. I've calculated it out and it's 387cals total, and -78cals net not including the leg work.
This morning I was 145.1lbs. Currently 143.9lbs. Hoping to get down to 143.0 or lower. I have until the 31st to drop below 140 so that gives me 4 days to drop this extra weight and it will put me back on track for the toughest goal.
Tomorrow is going to be a hard long day at work with loads of running about. I have to bail right at 530 in order to get to the gym and on a treadmil. Try to do 40min before training, then possibly no cooldown, haven't decided yet. I guess it depends on how exhausted I am.
I would love to keep this fast going but I have to eat tomorrow. I don't know if I want cereal or oatmeal for breakfast and of course tea. Take a yogurt and salad to work, and finish off the berry boost. I'll take a rice cake too and allow myself a few chips from the lunch room, but no cookies or candy. Maybe some dried cereal instead as I can happily munch on dry cheerios or frosted flakes for a treat? It all depends on how busy I'm going to be!!! For dinner I'll have to have veggies and depending on how I feel, maybe some soup. I'd like to keep it under 600 cals where at all possible...
Shaun posted a video on his facebook today and damn I just love that song. They lyrics are just going around and around in my head right now.
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