Tre

Viggo Mortensen

Probably most famous for his role as Aragorn in the LOTR trillogy, and where I fell in love with this man coming in at my number 3.

My Dad bought my the LOTR books the summer before the first movie came out, for my flight to England. I got a chunk of the way through the first one and hated it. Determined to try again (and probably bored out of my mind) I picked it up and got right into it. While I liked the characters of Frodo and Bilbo, I thought Sam was a bit weird, and Merry and Pippin where very childlike and annoying to a point. When I got to Strider sitting in the Prancing Pony, a formidable image burned into my mind from Tolkiens words, and I was hooked. I loved this character and still love this character more than any other that I have ever read. His story has so much background, pain, sorrow, love, heartbreak, challenge, strength and courage. I loved the story of him and Arwen, reading into the appendices to find out what happened to them (and yes, shedding a tear or two at the end.). I finished all of the books by the time I was back home and was shocked when a friend said they would be doing the movies. I was very skeptical as I hate my favourite books being destroyed in the theaters, but this suprised me. They did an amazing job, and the actors were perfect.

I fell for Viggo thanks to his portrayal of Aragorn, and then realised how much he'd acted in and how much I'd seen before. Think of the asshole drill sergent in G. I. Jane, or the recovering alcoholic in 28 Days with Sandra Bullock. I love A Walk On The Moon, as wierd as that movie is it's a very nostalgic sweet movie with Diane Lane. He's done a ton of movies over his career and lately some have been very popular with critics; History of Violence, Eastern Promises (there is a naked fight scene in a Russain bathouse that will make every guy cringe and ever girl wonder about looking away but never quite getting there), Hidalgo, and The Road.

He's very creative having many books of poetry (in English and Danish) published, many art works and has had several exhibits around the world, and sings also. All the artwork in 'A Perfect Murder' is his, and the song he sings in Return Of The King is Tokeins words, but his song.

I love his voice. It's deep and soothing, almost nasaly but not whiny. I could happily listen to him reading just about anything.

Good to look at, good to listen to, and some good movies to watch. Not bad for number 3!!!

Oh, the title of this is tre, meaning 3 in Danish, yesterdays was 'arba'ah, four in arabic.

Today's been a great day, despite crawling my ass out of bed a bit late. Got to work a few minutes late but wasn't really noticed. Got what was planned to be completed, completed. I just have to keep this momentum going!!!! I had my half an oatmeal (peaches and creme which tastes like cardboard) and tea for breakfast, yogurt around noon or so, salad at 3pm and the rice cake around 6pm. I did have a piece of candy Matt offered me at work, but it was only one piece. At home I had a few of the liccorice pieces, and a few of the crushed up multigrain flakes.

Hit the gym after figuring out the sewing machine issue (wasn't threaded right... I can't believe I missed that. I'm such a moron some times) and ran for 30 min. Arm/chest day and starting with the push ups. Next time we're down to the next notch :( My lower back is still really bugging me and doing the one pec one really bugged it. Shaun tried to figure out what I'd done, but it was some knots and he things I may have strained something. Suggested a massage but I'm not sure when I can squeeze one in. Doing one of the other exercises and felt that sharp stabbing pain down the front of my right shoulder. I seem to do this one on occasion but we went up in weights today so maybe that irritated it? By the time we were done I could feel it stiffening up and throbbing a bit.

I'm just a walking owie...

However, I'm really optimistic about tomorrow and my daily encounter with the scale. I gained but really not much today and I was 142.6 post gym. I've only had soup (broth chicken noodle) and tea since ( I may have a low cal hot chocolate as I've left the tea too long and it went cold ). My stomach has been doing some minor growling and it feels so good. I feel like I'm on the right path, that I will get under 140 this time. I'm hoping by the weekend.

Later shift tomorrow so no gym time. Gotta do some stuff before work, grab some Christmas presents so I'm ready for the weekend... Try and do it before so I have time to do more mittens in the evening.

Food plan.... half an oatmeal again with tea for a late breakfast. salad and yogurt for lunch, taking a rice cake for later. I may take an extra yogurt in case of munchies later on. For dinner, have the rest of the soup and tea again. That should take care of the fact that I'm not hitting the gym.

Mitten count: 1 complete pair!!! I am so far behind!!!!!

أربعة

Da Man.....

AKA Richard Dean Anderson

Number 4 on my list is going to allow me to geek out.... I'm a HUGE Stargate fan. I got into it years ago when I was home sick from work. Channel surfing and found some wierd show with some blonde chick with electricity shooting out of her fingers and speaking in a crazy voice, and some not too bad looking guy trying not to shoot her. I figured that he had a thing for her and managed to catch the next episode the next day and the day after, and very soon I was setting the VCR.

This was my first real fandom. I went online to find out what was going on between Jack and Sam (the two characters) and found a forum. For the first time ever I joined a forum, and jumped right in. I found there were other people who thought that there was something going on between the two leads, and those that were adamently against it. I went out and bought a bunch of the seasons to catch up.

I got right into it. My second most favourite show (and no, it's not ER as my fave) and one I watched every week. I got right into the fandom, finding friends and exploring my creative side by doing some short stories and learning the basics of photoshops.

I even went to a convention and LOVED it!!!!

RDA was a part of this, my first fandom. I watched MacGyver for RDA, and as old and cheesy as it is, I enjoyed that too (though in the later years it got super corny... I loved the earlier stuff, and a very young silly Terri Hatcher!!!). RDA as Jack brought humour to Kurt Russells role in the movie, but he had a very serious side as was necessary in tough situations. He made Jack sensitive and caring towards others, perhaps more so to one person in particular. His comedic timing is perfect, watch him fiddle around with any prop left on a desk, or work bench, or his facial expressions and adlibbed one liners.

He's also a HUGE Simpsons fan, and they wrote an episode for him when Patty and Selma kidnap him from a Stargate convention to go to a MacGyver convention. So very funny!!! There's many Simpsons adlibs in Stargate, various 'D'oh's and comments about not setting his VCR to record the Simpsons. There's also the last line of Season 8 where Jack comments 'close enough' as there's fish in the pond that wasn't supposed to have fish after some time travelling had occured.

He left in season 8, made a few guest appearances, and spends most of his time with his daughter.

His other passions include the Water Keeper Alliance, founded by Robert F Kennedy Jr. It's a worldwide organization dedicated to protecting streams, rivers, and coastlines, dedicated to keeping water clean and stopping polluters. He also plays guitar, having one of his own songs featured in one of the MacGyver episodes.

Why number 4 for RDA? Stargate will always have a place in my heart as my first main fandom and passion for a while, and without RDA, the character of Jack would not be the same. His work with the WaterKeeper Alliance is something near and dear to me also.

Didn't drop as much as I hoped for, but the fact that I dropped I should be thankful for, given how I ate yesterday!! Today was ok.... I snacked on junk a bit too much but the overall count is around 800. Minus the junk I'd be around 400-500.... Most of the stuff I'm snacking on (the damn candy I bought yesterday for those Candy Tins) will be gone tomorrow as I'll take them to work. At work (besides getting a TON of shit done!!!!) I ate my salad, 2 yogurts, rice cake and finished the entire 1L of water. I went straight to the gym where I ran for 25 min and went to the ball class.

Ball was wierd. I thought it would be a lot more 'active' but it felt like a cross between yoga and core. I think I've got some good exercises to do at home though, some really good balance ones. I should be able to incorporate them with my yoga and core, or even just one offs during the evening. I think I'll have to wait and see how I feel in the morning to see if it did anything different.

Jumped on one of the different ellipticals and it was way better. Harder random mode, but it didn't bug my knees nearly as much. There's a stupid TV mounted on the top of it and it's at an awkward angle so it's hard to not watch, but hard to watch. Saw Shaun on my way out and he said hello as I was leaving. I apparently left my lock under the bench and one of the other gals let me know so I ran back to get it. He called me a 'lost little girl' and for some reason it felt like a compliment.

Little girl is something I'm ultimatly striving for and I was in a coat that covered my thighs and my skin tight pants so I certainly looked skinnier.... It felt really good.

Once home I ate broccoli, cauliflower and brussel sprouts all steamed and 110 cals with some low cal sauce.

Tomorrow I work the same shift and will hopefully get a ton of stuff done as well!!! Take the same lunch, have probably the same breakfast... There's no Yoga tomorrow and I was debating Spin... I think I should just go and run my ass off at 7pm, training at 8pm, then home right after. No cooldown coz it'll be too late. Try for 40 min on the treadmil and go nuts on the arms.

Mitten count today... same as yesterday :( I can't figure out my sewing machine as it keeps jamming after a few stitches. I've got to pull the one piece off and see if there's something stuck underneath. This puts me behind!! I have to make 2 tomorrow when I get home to make up for it.

Fantasia is out on Blu Ray tomorrow and I'm super excited. I used to love that movie as a kid when my dad had it on VHS. I know what I'll be watching tomorrow :)

Number 5

Lance Armstrong

I debated about this one.... I wondered if he should be higher up on my list... but then I started debating what my list was about. Was it inspirational men? Or good looking men? Some fit in both categories, some certainly only in one. Lance is definatly in the inspirational category, though he isn't too bad on the eyes. The 'list' is just some of my favourite men, inspirational or otherwise.

I got into cycling in 1996, the year Lance rode in the Olympic Games, and dropped out of the Tour De France as he wasn't feeling well. In October he was diagnosed with cancer. It was diagnosed as testicular cancer that had spread to his lungs, brain and abdomen and the doctors gave him less than 40% chance of survival.

He survived, then went on to win the Tour De France a record breaking 7 times from 1999 to 2006. After 3 years away he returned to finish third in 2009 and 23rd in 2010, announcing his retirement from pro-cycling shortly after. He will complete one more international race in January 2011, then only do local events with the RadioShack team.

I loved watching him ride, race, and watching the teamwork with the US Postal team, Discovery team, and the other teams they rode with. There is a fierce rivalry within a peleton, but there is a lot of respect out there. Lance, the Texan and cancer survivor, didn't get much respect at first, but as he hit win number 5 the guys he rode with clapped him on the back as he drank champagne riding into Paris. There is something elegant about watching that snaky peloton whip around the corners and knowing that the guy in yellow being protected by his team mates is Lance. For me, watching the Tour will never be the same without Lance, and yes Jan Ullrich, Ivan Basso and a whole host of others.

Lance founded the LiveStrong foundation set up to help cancer victims, survivors and families. When I quit smoking I got some of the yellow bracelets. I wore one for a looooonng time.

So I didn't go to the gym today. Instead I slept until almost 10am... felt damn good though. I did drop off a book at the library and hit work. I did buy the shuffle for Christmas gifts and then swung by the dollar store. Grabbed the tins and figured seeing as I was out, i'll go get the candy. I stopped at bulk barn and went crazy buying so much candy. I munched a bit in the car, then when I got home I ate more and more and more. I went to work feeling sick and having a headache.

Even at work I was fine for the first bit. I had a few bites of a piece of pizza but tossed most of it, then we got CRAZY busy. The roads are still shit so I kept getting stuck everywhere. I swear it's like the city took a day off plowing and considering it snowed all night last night, all day today and most of the evening, that's not cool. The main roads are fine, it's just those intersections are scary.

Once we quietened down we had a ton of extra food, so one of the other drivers and I split some medium buffalo wings and I had some more pizza. I felt horrible and sick and when I got home I was suprised to see that the scale showed the exact same weight as I was this morning... it doesn't now, but there's hope for the morning!!!

I really have to go to bed. I stayed up late to make mittens, then took forever to do this post. I have to get up and get all my gym stuff together. I'm going to try and make the ball class by 5:30pm and I'm off at 4:30pm so we'll see how it goes. If I can skip out a bit early and get to the gym by 4:30, take 15min to get ready, then hit the treadmill for 30min, that gives me 15min to spare. Try this ball class and depending on how dead I feel, more cardio or weights after. Legs aren't too bad from yesterday but my shoulder blades hurt from where the damn bar rested.

Mitten count: 1. Almost. They need a hem on the bottom..... I need to make at least 5 more by Friday.

Back to Basics

It felt like I had food poisoning this morning. My stomach hurt and I wished I could puke. I did have a form of food poisoning, I'd gone and fed the poor thing too much and it had no idea on what to do with it. 8 hrs of sleep followed by another 2 on the couch helped but I was still pretty full and feeling gross.

Hauled ass off the couch and went to the gym. Ran for 30min then did a impromptu leg day. I started on hams, but the squat one was calling me. I haven't done that in months as it hurt so much the next day, and the bar rests on my shoulder blades and is irritating. However, I want a better ass, I need to tone that glute. So I did a few sets there before going to the old leg machines. I have no idea the weights we used during training, so I just stuck some on there until my legs felt tired. Then onto the hip abductor one. Halfway though Shaun decided to come say hello and scare the shit out of me. He and his wife were there and I found it amusing that he's on the treadmill warming up and holding a Starbucks. Did some situps before pretty much bailing. I could hear my stomach growling and it was after 3 already and I wanted to get home to do some cleaning up first. Shaun stopped me on my way out so I mocked him for his Starbucks.

Raced home to soak in the shower for ages before having my first food of the day. Just some cottage cheese with cucumber and tomatos, and make some tea for the road before dashing off to drive.

Wasn't too bad a night, shit tips but the roads weren't too bad and I kept busy. Managed not to eat, until I dropped off wings to a friend and then I had one, so maybe 80 calories. After that headed off to go buy clothes for the nephews for Christmas and then back home.

It's snowing again tonight. Falling in big giant flakes and covering all the icy spots. They've cleared all the main roads and some of the secondary roads but there's a ton of the intersections that are really deep in lose snow.

It's taking me so long to type this up coz Tom is driving me fucking nuts.... He's been texting all night after letting me know that he can't make it into town. Now he wants to play a game of asking questions and I stupidly said yes. It always leads one way with him and I don't know if it's just him being immature or I'm just not that into him, but I'm not interested in asking nothing but sex related questions and get annoyed when that's all he can ask me. He doesn't want to hang out, he doesn't give me an answer when I ask him to make plans. He just wants to come over whenever he feels like it and gets annoyed when I have plans.

I'm a busy person!!! Between work and going to the gym there's not much time for anything else. I struggle to arrange time to see the nephew in town and friends, let alone family. I had to turn down my dad's offer for dinner tomorrow as I'd agreed to take one of the guys driving shifts. (sad coz my dad makes gooooood food, but happy coz I won't have to eat it and then feel terrible after.) Tom needs to realise that I'm not just here when he feels horny and if he wants to hang out, he needs to make plans.

Maybe I'm just not that into him.... I would have moved heavan and earth for Scott, but that was a while ago. I have a new focus now.

Speaking of which, today has been a good day. Less than 500 cals, mostly liquids (though I'm only at 1.5L of water). The scale had a scary number this morning (147.8) and right now I think I'm 146.... I'm hoping for less than 145.5 by morning.

Plan for tomorrow... get up around 8am, hit the gym by 9am. Spend 2 hours there unless I feel more energetic, plan to be home and showered by noon. I have to go to work to check schedules and buy that shuffle. Then home to get some of the mittens started for Friday. Drive at 4pm but not sure how late I'll be there. Should be a good day though coz its the Grey Cup. Once I'm home, back to mittens. I hope to finish at least 2 by tomorrow night. For food? Well, I need to eat so maybe some oatmeal or cereal after the gym, then something salad like before work. Take soup with me and tea. Depending on what time I get home, maybe some veggies and soup for dinner....

I did buy two things today that will hopefully help. The Panda licorice, and some Nutella. They worked so well before I cut them out. The licorice helps the sugar cravings and at 8cal/piece it's not too bad if I have 4. The Nutella helps with the chocolate cravings. I can have a tiny bit on a teaspoon or have some with some fruit for a real sweet treat. Hopefully it will stop the crazy binges from happening.

C'mon morning.... Gimme a good number!!!

Definition Of Insanity

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

-Albert Einstein

So once again I'm in the same spot I feel I've been for days, weeks, all of last month. I'm full, fat, and fed up. What was supposed to be a refresh and start over day turned into the third or fourth day of binging, the third or fourth day of not recording all my food properly as I can't remember how much I ate, and the third or fourth day of no will power or control.

I'm not sleeping well, haven't since coming back from Vancouver. I rarely drop into REM sleep and wake up groggy every day regardless of amount of sleep. I allowed myself that one binge day back in September and ever since then 'binge days' are happening more and more frequently and I keep excusing them. I'm still going to the gym, but while I'm pushing myself on the treadmill, I'm not in training, yoga, core or in my own weight sessions. I know this as I haven't worked myself to exhaustion in a while, and I feel lazy (for lack of a better word) while doing the exercises. I've strayed away from putting everything on the calorie tracker and by eating out more, thinking that just having the salad will be good but ending up with that as a starter or not at all what I order. I came back from Oakland empowered, focused and so very much ALIVE. A month later and I've gone through my first food related holiday, a work trip to Vancouver, the big turkey dinner that I volunteered at, several district visits, a huge one day sale (no, not black friday.... ) and an audit. I've allowed myself to buy food that I can't eat, instead of having a half a small cheese pizza, freaking out and then being very careful what I eat for 3 days later, I'm having the entire small pizza plus whatever else I fancy, then figuring i'm already fucking up the day why not keep going and enjoy a crazy day.

Realistically have I really eaten that much today? I've had sandwiches, mac and cheese, salad, oatmeal, tea (may have over done it on the chocolate though) and I feel gross but 6 months ago I certainly ate way more. The past week I've eaten high amounts of calories, fat, sugar etc and overall my weight has stayed somewhat even. I mean I went up from 141 to 146 in no time, and tonight when I got home I saw the scale hit 149.5lbs.

I was here more than a month ago with Thanksgiving, swearing once again that I wouldn't be back at this now all to familiar place.

It is time to refocus, break the insanity cycle. Try something different, or go back to what works. Stop this neverending loop of failiure.

As lame as it sounds, tomorrow IS a new day. It can also be a new month. The last month of this year, the last month I will have to go a year being fat.

I know what works and what is not helping. Breakfast is something that I should attempt to have a bit for. Eating during the day needs to be done frequently while at work but still needing to keep a low calorie intake. Yogurt, salad, rice cakes, soups etc. For dinner, veggies, salmon, more soup and then a supper of tea and maybe a snack. Fruit is back to being a twice weekly treat. No more Booster Juices. No more allowed/planned binges. One day a week liquids only until dinner.

I will go to the gym at least 4 times a week. Cardio will continue but I need to change it up on occasion. Training will be a time to exhaust myself, Yoga a time to meditate and get in tune with my body, Core is a chance to strenghten a week part of myself. I will try to attend other classes where possible and try to continue with 2 training sessions per week. I will try to do some yoga and core exercises at home to wake up, calm down, end or begin my day.

I will return to a focused state of mind. Work will be completed on time and at work instead of too much 'hanging' out, especially in the staff room. I have so many projects on the go and will make time every week to work on at least one of them. I will read some of a book every day and get them back to the library in time. I will continue with the regular chores schedule as it's working very well.

I will stop talking to others about what is in my head. That is the main reason I have this blog so I have an outlet. Every time I mention I'm craving something, someone either offers to go get it for me, or just goes and gets it for me. One way I have a moment where I get to contemplate if I want it, and the other way I get given it and feel bad saying no.

I need to get back into a routine and be solid in my routine. I have to get past the first few days and once again it will all get easier again.

I wandered off track for a week, but I've given my body a chance to be fed perhaps a little over normal, and a chance to refocus and collect myself. I know what I want, I understand the dedication I need to get there and I'm willing to do what it takes.

I will do this.

Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.

-Albert Einstein

Duh da da dah hah da duh du nunu na nah

No idea what that means???? Does this help?

Yeah, my lame assed attempt to sing the Simpsons Theme tune... It's hard without music!!! It was on tonight and while I missed Green Day's bit at the beginning, I managed to watch most of the rest of it while playing around on the computer. I sometimes wonder, why Green Day? Not that I'm disappointed, but it was 2007 when the movie came out, 3 years after American Idiot, and there were other band/groups with a huge year recently. Justin Timberlake, Rihanna, Black Eyed Peas, Nickleback and more were huge that year (what a sad year for music.... ). I just wonder what got Green Day the edge. The fact that they're huge fans?

I love the Simpsons. Have for most of my teen years, and my twenties. I have several favourite episodes: The one where Homer gets his eyes pecked out and ends up on medicinal marijuanna is probalby at the top of the list, the treehouse of horror where Homer has the time travelling toaster (Close Enough is an amazing line to end that episode, and I LOVE that it was completely stolen by my other favorite TV show whose lead actor is a HUGE fan of the show... which reminds me!!!) Kiss Kiss Bang Bangalore purely for the RDA factor, any with Sideshow Bob (especially where David Hyde Pierce joins the gang and the crack about Marice almost killed me), the one where Marge used ear medicine to sabotage a cooking contest and Homer filled Bart in on the birds and the bees, the one where Waylin Smithers exclaims 'I'm flaming' as Mr. Burns breaks the 5th wall and stares directly at you. I could go on. There's so many... Amazing guests, great one liners, great shots at the US, US government, Canada, current events, etc.

The movie was on TV today and while I own it on DVD I still had to watch it on TV, commercials and all. Just got me in a mood to watch the Simpsons....

Work sucked.... and was ok all in one go. Big sale today, so I got there on time and started rounding up some of the product on my list. I managed about 2 hours of work before we opened and I met the new auditor. Yup, 2 of these 'special' sale days in a row and we've been audited on both. Kind of ridiculous. So I got him what he needed and he didn't want me to hover, so Sheri and I headed off to go buy lunch. Oh, and by that point I'd already eaten my average daily calorie amount in mini donuts... We bought stuff for sandwiches, cookies, candy, cake, and chips. Once back we set up for lunch and before I knew it I'd eaten 2 sandwiches, many many cookies, lots of candy, chips, granola bars and cake. I felt so sick. I tried to do more work but was so distracted by the audit that I basically spent a 12 hour shift doing about 4 hours of work. I can't even account for all the other time. I have no idea what I did.... 2 hrs in the morning, 2 hrs buying lunch then eating lunch, maybe an hour doing the audit paperwork at the end of the day, an hour dealing with some paperwork from earlier this week and that's what, 6 hours? I probably spent another hour or so in and out of the lunch room, eating, thinking about eating, or eating some more. We did score an amazing score on our audit though...

I ate way too much today. I was 146.7 halfway through my tea. I don't feel too terrible about it though, just over stuffed. I redid all my graphs to allow for some more realistic weight starting. I had it starting at my weight from the weigh in (142.9) and I was higher this morning (143.7) and will probably be over 145 by morning. I've got all goals tomorrow being 145 tomorrow, but the end result is all the same.

Tomorrow I drive, right after job number one. The plan is not to binge tomorrow (though my head right now is saying why not... you've already had 2 days of overeating, one more will just finish it off) and I didn't buy salad so a light day overall for food. I've got to get my head back in the game, go off the grease and sugar as my body is starting to crave it constantly.

It's gonna be a bit nasty driving tomorrow. The wind has been howling for an entire night and day and I can still hear it whislting down the furnace and rushing around the house. It's taken us from -28C to 6C in less than 24 hours but all that snow is being blown around and is drifting everywhere. Roads are impassable, even getting around the back of my house is hard, especially in 3" heels.

Gotta dress up again tomorrow, but get to wear jeans this time. Can't decide what to wear.... see what I feel like in the morning.

Oh, and Wander (you don't mind that? Just shorter than typing your full user name lol) it's retarded but yeah, I hide the scale in my overnight bag. It's this one friend as she lives a 2 hour drive away so I always spend the night, and I stay in the basement in the spare room (until her kid gets old enough as it will be his room) so it's easy for me to hide it. I've almost been caught a few times getting it in and out of the bathroom in the morning but I get some kind of perverse rush from it. I'll keep in mind the background thing. Maybe try it someday and see what happens. Thanks :)

Labels

We're all a label, whether we want to be or not. I can label myself ten ways from Sunday... I'm a punk, ex smoker, ex drug addict, a high school graduate, a university drop out, guitarist, flurtist (sp?), general musician, reader, writer and I could go on and on and on.... No matter what I do, I will always have a label and be a statistic.


It's something I've had to reconcile myself to. I never wanted to be a statistic, but I realised many years ago that being a smoker made me yet another statistic, then quitting made me antoerh one. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.


Now I'm struggling with yet another label. I've got food issues, or at least weight issues. I want to lose more weight, I obsess about exercise and calories. I was really crazy about it in September and the beginning of October but I've gotten almost complacent in November and paid for it with poor results. I still think about it all the time, but I think I've eaten more in the past month.


I've got goals for this month, I got up early to do them before work. I've got my days planned where I will probably go over (my Dad's 60th birthday, tomorrow at work etc.) but I've got a plan for the rest. I'm going to cut back on the binging on the weekend as that's where I'm getting killed, I've got to cut back on the senseless snacking, and make a return to the almost liquid fasting on Sundays. It worked 2 months ago, I need it to work now.


I'm at my natural healthy weight, I'm making a conscious decision to go below that, or at least attempt to do it, and while I won't say whatever the cost, I know it will have to take sacrifices. I've already sacrificed quite a bit and don't miss it, so what's a bit more!


So what does this all make me?

I joined a forum a few months ago as I can't talk to the people in my life about what goes through in my head. I started this blog many months ago just as a method of tracking moods and eating to see if there was any correlation (which there definatly is) and to be able to unload emotionally and anonymously. I've found a few people on the forum that I talk to frequently and they really help me through my lows as I do try to help them.


I weigh myself at least twice a day, and have taken my scale with me to friends houses if I stay overnight as I'm scared of not knowing what I weigh. When people come over to my house I hide my charts, graphs and journal in the bathroom with my daily weight, BMI, BF% and BF in lbs. I've tried to make myself purge, despite knowing that I just can't physically do it. I've gone for days with only liquids, days below 200 calories, and have days where there is no other way to describe what I do other than binge.


Eating disorders always meant anorexia to me. That's just what I always thought of. I knew bulimia existed (there was a rumour about my mother being bulimic but I can't verify it...) but never really thought about it. It wasn't until I started becoming paranoid about what I put in my mouth and noticing my desperate need to hide what I was doing and the lying to friends and my trainer about food, that I started looking online for answers. I found so many but they gave me more questions.


Where do I fit in with this world? What is my label? Why is it so important to me, someone who wants not to be that label, to have this title. Am I 'good' enough to fit in? Am I too fat, not disciplined enough, not dropping those horrid pounds fast enough to consider myself part of this group?


That's what's in my head today, and has been bugging me for a while.


Bringing to me to my other thought today... this blog. I never thought that I would stick with it this long, or drop this much weight. I didn't really explore this site when I started, just enough to chose the black background, and the blue font (realised today it's kinda hart to read!!!) and how to post. After joining the forum I got into reading other blogs for just some insight into the lives of others with this way of thinking, and posted my link on my profile.... I really didn't expect anyone to actually read this!!!


I'm kind of embarrassed about some of those earlier posts, fighting the urge to go back and re-read or edit some of them....


I discovered the stat's tab and the comments tab a few days ago. I have comments :) and readers!!!! Thank you very much. It's cool to see that someone has similar goals to me (and digs George!!!!), and that people are reading my ramblings. I'm still figuring out this blogger and can't figure out if I can reply to specific comments (I was so used to LJ) or if I have to do it in posts.

I'm also debating changing the background... but that's for another day... maybe I'll do my top 5 men countdown and use them as backgrounds... Hmm... I already know who would be number 1, but the other 3 would requrie some thought. Maybe do my top 5 female influences also....

Another day... I'm tired.

Before I log off... today: Richard gave me a white bread roll and 3 pieces of Hershey chocolate. Well, he tried to give me more but thats all I gave into. I had my oatmeal in the morning then spaced my salad, mandarin orange, rice cake and yogurt out over the course of the day. Had to eat something (a loaded teaspoon of cottage cheese and 5 crackers with salsa) when I got home as I was having lots of stomach growling. Hit the gym and ran for 39 min (I used the incline and it really bugged my knee... had to stop as I didn't want to really screw something up) then did some arms and abs. I was going to do more but just ran out of steam and wanted to get home to eat broccoli. Had that, some more crackers and salsa, fat free/sugar free jello, popcorn (thank goodness my microwave is garbage. It doesn't pop the entire bag) and tea. Less than 900 cals but I'm at 145 right now so I don't think i'll get back down to 142.9 by morning.

Tomorrow is that stupid sale. We've got mini donuts and coffee arriving for staff and customers at 10am so I'll try to resist those. I have to go buy all the lunch stuff so bread, lunch meat, chips, cookies etc. I plan on taking salad and yogurt as usual, but I think tomorrow I may have a sandwich, maybe a few chips and a cookie. I wont' be able to hit the gym thanks to the 12hr work day, but if I keep it in moderation I should be ok.

Here's hoping.....

My Love Affair With George Clooney

That's a much better blog title than 'post weigh in binge' or 'fucking freezing!!!' I'll get to it, but first we'll get into the 'post weigh in binge' part.

I was good all day. I ate my half an oatmeal with tea, had my yogurt at noon, salad around 3pm, rice cake right after, and banana at 4:45pm ( I had to set my alarm. I needed the energy for the gym so I needed to eat it as late as possible without risking throwing it up while on the treadmill). Got to the gym a little later than planned, but only by about 10 min, not bad given the shit roads. Jumped on the treadmill and managed 25 min on 5mph before jumping off to yoga. Those push ups are getting easier but the damn lunges are miserable. Hopped on a spin bike for 15 min and didn't go to the bathroom before reminding Shaun it was time for my measurements.

Loss of 3.5lbs, all fat. He said he was happy as it wasn't lean body mass I'd lost. He said that as I'd lost lean body mass the last few times he had been getting a bit concerned but now it had stabalized. He basically said that this is my lowest natural weight and from now on it's a case of losing the fat and building the lean body mass. He made some comment about 'unless you're starving yourself' and I brushed that off pretty quickly. Another comment was about I had to be happy with the number on the scale.

Back in May when I started this blog, I made 2 goals. One was serious, the other was a number tossed out. I wanted to be 145. This past month I've proven that I can maintain this weight and I've done it before new year. I've hit that goal and can easily pass it. The other goal was 125 and was just tossed out as a number. That puts me at a BMI of 20. I'd like to hit 115 but that's a ways away.

So where does this leave me, besides thinking as always. I want to hit 135, I really do, and I'd like to do it by the next weigh in on either Dec 21st or 22nd (depending on how that week goes!!!). If I use this mornings weight, that's a total loss of 9lbs, but I can probably drop back to 141 by the weekend leaving only 6lbs to go. I desperatly want to hit 139. I've stalled at 140-145 for this entire month and I need to get lower so when Christmas hits, I have some leeway.

Imagine hitting the new year at 130-135......

Goal day should be tomorrow, but it kinda came out here... oops. I'll fill out the charts tomorrow once I see what my morning weight will be. Considering my binge tonight, I'm hoping for 144-145...

I just had a friend over to cut and dye my hair. We were talking about pasta and before we knew it, ordering pasta online from Dominos. I ate it, half the breadbowl and some chicken kickers. I'm very full and bloated but I'm not too stressed about it. I usually allow myself to eat something after the weigh in. Last time it turned into 2 days of binging, this time it will only be tonight. Damn it tasted good and I'm so happy I don't feel so incredibly guilty or panicked like usual. It will be a new day tomorrow, a new training month starts. I have an entire 28 days to get over this. I feel refreshed, calm and content (and very very full which is grossing me out a bit....)

The 'fucking freezing' bit is coz it's fucking freezing. It's -27C outside right now, and has actually warmed up a few degrees since 9pm when it was -28,-29C. The wind chill is fierce, and there's no wind. It's just the movement of the air that you create when you walk that gets into every nook and cranny, through all the fibers in your pants, shirt, coat, scarf, toque, and mitts. I spent the entire day freezing at work, only warming up after 10 min on the treadmill (and my fingers swelled up to let me know they were warm...) It's snowed today, meaning we've had snow every day for a week now. It's really pretty outside, and I'm content with it right now. We can get used to living in bitterly cold temperatures, but it will warm up on Thursday which can only mean one thing.... it will be fucking howling windy. The roads will turn to brown slush, everyone will forget how to drive again, it will freeze overnight and we'll have a new layer of ice to deal with. At least it's only supposed to hit 1C for one day so it shouldn't be too bad.

Now onto the title.... George Clooney... While my friend and I were gorging on pasta and me waiting for my hair dye to work, I tossed in a movie. One Fine Day is a movie I had on VHS and loved it but always got annoyed having to hook up the VHS and of all things, rewinding the damn tape. So I pretty much quit watching it (plus after the clarity of blu ray, VHS just looks terrible). They were selling the Clooney pack at work (3 movies, the other two kinda lame) so I bought it for this movie. I can't believe how young he is!!! It was released in 1996, while he was still doing ER. I loved ER, and mostly because of Dr. Ross. My first real Canadian friend asked me over to her house every thursday for ages and I finally went where I watched her favourite show and got hooked. It was in the second season and I watched ER every thursday I could until Carter left the show ( I loved his character too..... I'm still mad about the Carter/Abby issues...) It was my first TV show that I loved, and my first crush. There's something sweet about George during those years where he played the romatic opposite with that bashful grin and cheeky smile, those eyes that sparkled and the low sexy voice. Just watching that movie made my very full stomach do flip flops, especially at the end.

I don't know what it is about One Fine Day that I love so much. It's a very simple plot. Michelle Phiffer's character has a kid and so does George's character. They screw up and miss the class field trip and agree to help each other out for the day by taking turns watching each others kids while they tried to do their jobs. They yell at each other, they tease each other, there's some flirting happening, and at the end, a kiss. Maybe that's just it. Simple and sweet.

Now George really has aged well, just like an exceptional vintage. While there's something sweet and endearing about One Fine Day and the other one he did with a very young Jennifer Lopez, as he's gotten older he's proved he can do comedy, and drama. I very much enjoy his humerous side. Men Who Stare At Goats was amazing (doesn't hurt that Ewan McGreggor was in it!!!) and I LOVED the Oceans series. One of my favourites is Up In The Air as it's sweet, funny and has that suprise ending that you really don't expect.

My love affair, lasted 15 years and counting. Mr George Clooney, no matter what age, will always be up at the top of my list...

And with that.... Sweet dreams ;)

Tired....

Finally finished that book last night. Not sure I like it as it did have some really screwed up twists in it. I've got book 2 but I have to get those books from the library finished as they're due back next Saturday.

Got up on time but still feeling tired. That sleep app told me I slept like shit again. I'm not sure what I should do or if its the cats stomping around. I'm tired the next day regardless of whether I have tea, hot chocolate, water or nothing before hand. It's not the vitamins, or anything else I can think of.

I had a few sips of tea before hitting the gym, late. I got on the treadmill at 9:50am, but ran for 45 minutes and felt ok. Did shoulders, lats, abs upstairs before jumping on the bike for 30 minutes. I figured I've burned about 700-800 calories, and while I didn't have a sub 200 cal day like I had planned, I've had less than 500. Killer there was I grabbed some gummy bears and one of the guys dumped M&M's in my hand so I ate those too. I may have overguestimated but I figured 150cals.

Scale hurt this morning, but it could have been worse. 145.6lbs, but I should drop again by morning, and depending on what and when I eat tomorrow, I should have a lower weight by the time I hit my training session. Right now I'm thinking I will go ahead with the weigh in. I may as well keep it accurate and consistent. I'm just miserable that I did once again what I did last month. I basically sabotage myself right before. I'm hoping that I can finally pass 140.0 with this latest binge though, even though I didn't get much lower than I was last month.

October I had a LW of 141, this month I hit 140.4.... I just screwed it up. It's the weekends that are killing me, I just have to learn control. I can't even have one piece of pizza, one breadstick, one of anything as it will get me going and I won't be able to stop. I can have a treat every once in a while, I just need to plan it and use it as a reward for hitting certain weights.

I've promised a friend to help with their church's tea and bake sale in just shy of 2 weeks. If I can get under 140.0 I will have a treat there, some kind of baked good probably.

Tomorrow will be the new goal setting day and I'll have to do that after Devon heads over to do my hair. We're dying it black again as the brown is starting to show through with the roots and spots where it's been cut short and regrown, and to get rid of the once blue, now green, streaks in it.

Weird shift tomorrow so I'm going to take my gym stuff with me, otherwise I've got 30 min to get home, change and get back to the gym. With the roads worse than they were the day they ploughed them, it'll take me that long just to get home! This way I'll just leave work shortly after I'm off, and then change at the gym. Run for 30-40 min, yoga for an hour, bike for 20-25 min then training.

Food.... Breakfast will have to happen tomorrow. Probably just half an oatmeal as I'll need the warmth ( -28C by morning!) and of course my usual mug of tea. Take a yogurt and salad as usual, and I'm contemplating a banana for the pre gym snack. I need to eat to fuel my 3hr work out, but I don't want to go overboard!!! Should I take my cottage cheese or not?

On a side note, I can't believe how dry it got in a hurry. All of a sudden my hands were sore and raw again despite lots of lotion. I always get tons and tons of lotions for Christmas and while I love my Lubiderm lotion I have to start going through this other stuff to use it. The udderly smooth stuff works, but damn does it smell. I've got some glysomed and some AMAZING avon stuff that I don't want to use up any time soon! There's a ton of perfumed stuff that I'll use last, coconut, mandarin, mango etc.

I gave my healthy eating plan to one of the gals at work and she took it to her doctor. He said it was right on, and she would definatly get healthier and lose weight with that plan. It's pretty much the plan I'm supposed to be following but refuse to. There's no way I can eat 1200 cals per day, even though I binge well over that frequently. My mind just won't allow me to eat that.

As much as I don't want tomorrow to happen, I'm kinda excited!!!

And soooo tired.....

Fixing Problems

If you've got a problem, you fix it. What happens when you can't fix it? Just deal and live or fix as best you can and keep repairing?

I've had a shitty few days. Thursday sucked thanks to the visit, Friday sucked at job number 2, Saturday sucked thanks to job number 2 again, and today sucked thanks to my friend.... and the root cause of every single one was food.

That stupid lunch caused problems, then I pigged out at the second job on Friday night which meant I was cranky and not on form for the gym on Saturday. The candy I had on Friday, then again on Saturday an hour before the gym. Then I ate a ton on Saturday night, paniced and thought that what I had pigged out on before would promote a rapid bowel movement like it has done so many times before so I ordered it and stuffed it in my mouth as fast as I could. Sunday I woke up full and feeling gross to find that my friend was expecting me at 11am for brunch. I'd said yes as she'd guilted me into it. I went and there was far more food than I planned, and I binged yet again. I was still full from that at 8pm tonight when I ate the leftover soup.

I feel so full still. I feel sick. I've basically binged for 4 days and haven't had that hoped for release.

I have ruined yet another weigh in.

I went from 140.5 to 147.4 (just now... was 145.5 this morning).

I don't know what to do.

Right now I'm back in panic mode. I almost cried when I saw 147 on the scale. I will probably be 146 tomorrow and if I'm lucky back to 145 by Tuesday.

Should I delay my weigh in? I have training on tuesday, then a week on tuesday as it's his birthday on Saturday. That gives me an entire week to severly restrict and drop back to 140. I think that question may depend on what the scales say on Tuesday morning.

Tomorrow I will get up around 8am, no later, maybe have a cup of tea but plenty of water, and be at the gym by 9am. Hit the treadmill hard for 40 min or more. Then do some arms work (it's leg day on tuesday...) and onto the bike for 30 min or so. Head home around 11am after a shower, a mug of tea. I'll take salad, yogurt and a soup packet to work. That's less than 200 cals. That's all I can have besides water, and preferably eat as little of that as possible. No breakfast, no lunch, just those three things spread out over my time at work. Come home, have more tea or maybe a hot chocolate and then to bed. Hopefully that will be enough to drop a pound or two.

Tuesday I will have to have something, maybe a half an oatmeal, and salad for lunch. Yogurt and rice cakes as the 'snacks' with some cottage cheese no later than 430pm. Yoga at 6:30 so hit the treadmill around 5:45pm. Maybe, just maybe, I'll drop enough that by 8pm hits and I'm doing the weigh in I'll have lost enough water to make a difference.

I really should do it as if I delay it, it will screw with the schedule and I won't get weighed again until mid January. Gives me plenty of time to drop more weight, but I wanted to get that 5month one in right before Christmas.

I hate having to wait. I want the decision now but I can't make it now.

Back to the original question of my day, live and deal or fix, I think I just answered it. I can't get rid of food. I do have to eat something, but I need to deal with control. When I'm in control I have great days. I get stuff done, I'm focused, I'm in a fantastic mood and I feel great. When I spin out of control everything else follows quickly behind. I don't have time for more out of control issues. I need every minute of my working days over the next 6 weeks. I just have to control the food and everything else will be easier.

As someone else said to me earlier today, tomorrow is a new day. Today I fucked up, but tomorrow I will learn and grow. Tomorrow will be better.

Bittersweet Anniversary

I forgot what day it was.

Many years ago, maybe ten, I made a pact with a friend, my best friend at the time. Dustin and I were perfect together. We were typical teenagers, he was the army brat, I was the weird English kid, he smoked, I didn't (he was one of those that I smoked just to hang around.... yeah, not his fault, but that was my reasoning).

He was friends with my other friend at the time and I got to know him that way. He lied, I lied, I whined, he whined. We were 15. At 17 he told me he'd lied to the girl of his dreams about his age and wanted my advice. By then I knew my crush was over and I met Scott.

But we were still friends.

At 17 he got his car and drove pizza. We would drive around together. He taught me to drive his standard car. We did crazy stupid things, like go 2 hrs north to the 'big city' and stay in hotels with friends. I got tattooed. I smoked pot, he liked the smell.

At 18 I moved out of my parents house and he was a constant fixture in the appartment I shared with 2 other girls.

Until he moved.

I remember that night of his going away party. He hugged me, held my hand. Told me he loved me, and I said the same back. I was very very drunk and I cried all night. It was a week before his 19th birthday.

He moved to the coast, a 1 hr plane ride, or a 14 hr drive through the mountains. I flew out once with a friend to visit him and his place was gorgeous. I loved the area, loved being so close to the sea, so close to him. I remember we all got drunk and Cat tried to 'make a move' on him as he had at some point flirted with the idea of dating her (it had lasted a week or so...). Dustin leaned into me, held my hand, cuddled up to me.

He visited a few times before his mom moved out there with his step dad. I called a few times. I remember talking to his mom and she wanted to know why I didn't marry Dustin. I told her that I loved him, but it was something that had never come up, which was partially true.

Time went by and we stopped talking. Distance and new lives seperated us. I heard he joined the army, I heard he moved back to this province and is at a base. I heard that he visits on occasion, each visit becomming more rare. I added him on facebook, but we never exchanged messages.

At some point before he moved we had a converstion. We were joking about those marriage pacts, the ones where people will get married at 40 if they're still single. We didn't want to be married at that age, it was too old to have fun anymore!!! So we made our own pact. We settled on an age that wasn't too old, but so many years away that it would never happen.

Today started the pact. It's been ten years. It's his 29th birthday today.

I loved the brief texts we shared today, made my day. We have a year left, then I'll tease you again and we'll forget about it. There's so much I want to ask you, are you still seeing that girl you told me about many years ago? Are you engaged? How is life in the air force? Are you happy with where you are?

Maybe I'll send you a few messages, maybe I'll call and we can try to catch up. Maybe, just maybe there'll be a flicker of the old friendship and comradarie left. Maybe for just a short time we can forget who we are now and where we've been.

Happy Birthday Dustin.

I've always loved you and always will.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful,

And the fire is so delightful.....

It's perfect today. It's fucking cold, but there was a very light breeze (even the tiniest air flow makes you colder so wind is really something to be dreaded) and it stopped snowing for most of the day. We even got a peek of blue sky!!!! I almost heard my first Christmas Carol at work, one by Bruce Springstein and wasn't too happy about it, until I remembered that Billie Joe sang 'Santa Clause is Coming To Town' at the concert in September. Then I heard Christmas Day by Dido and I LOVE that song!

That was about all that was perfect...

The visit started ok. They were going to do some of the sales stuff, so off I went to do my own thing for a bit, only to find out later they decided to cover some of my stuff without me. Then to make things even better, they decided to go for lunch without me. My boss finally sent me a text once they were gone and seated at the restaurant which made me feel oh, so much better. I sent him a message back saying I was busy, and after a few comments from people I work with about being 'left behind again' I sent him another message saying that I wasn't an afterthought. If they wanted me there, they should have invited me BEFORE they left. Worst part is they DID THIS LAST TIME and I was annoyed then. I was upset this time. Then my boss came back and confronted me saying they hadn't been gone long, what was my problem. That they'd tried to find me (I'll call bullshit on that!) and that I preceived it as 'being left out' was my own fault. I told him that them all leaving as a group without calling the manager phone which they knew I had, and not getting hold of me before going, to me meant I was an afterthought. When they all sat down and ordered drinks they went, hey, where did she go? Fine, it was my own fault for preceiving this, but I told him that this is how they make me feel, and this is not the first time it's happened. He basically walked away. The big boss talked to me and apologized, saying next time they'd try to find me.

A bunch of bullshit about a lunch I was happy to get out of, but need to be there for. I'm still slightly pissed, but also happy I didn't have to go and eat more food. Instead I almost skipped lunch but forced myself to eat it around 4pm as I was heading to the gym.

Got home and felt exhausted. Turned on the fire, one of the lights in the other room, set the iPhone alarm for 15 mins and curled up. I've been so fucking cold all day and it was so nice. I don't think I actually dozed off but I felt a little more rested. It was so calm. Just the flames licking the artificial logs and the almost dark outside with the streetlights illuminating the snow.

However, that ended too soon and I grabbed my skinny new sweat pants, and had to put my original old pants over top for warmth, with coat, scarf and took a hat so as not to flatten the hair (good hair day today!! Kyle is still bugging me to grow my hair long, but I like it short. Besides, he's just a co-worker, not in any position to really have an opinion about my hair that will count). Got there late, as is becomming usual, and only ran for 20 min. Core for an hour and it was only the 3 of us. We had fun, I goofed off a bit more than usual... I'll see how much I feel it tomorrow! Did some hamstrings and quads before jumping on the elliptical. 25 min there and I tried a chin up (yeah, not so much... wanted to at least try and this was in the womens section and no one else was there.... ) and left. Hit safeway with all those air miles coupons before heading home.

This morning I was 140.7lbs this morning. I can deal with that... it's not over 141.0 but it's not 139.9 or less. I'm not sure I can do it tomorrow as I've eaten quite a bit this evening. I had broccoli as I haven't had any veggies in a while, followed by Italian Wedding Soup, which by itself probably wouldn't be bad but I've had some salsa and chips too, a rice cake and now I'm onto my tea. Scale says 142.5, which the past few nights I've been 142.2 before bed. I can hopefully stay below 141.0.

Long day tomorrow, both jobs. Going to take food and clothes for both as I just don't think I'll have time to go home and back with the roads being so miserable. I swear the one main road I take is sheer ice at every intersection. Maybe I'll take the camera and get some shots?

I'm gonna freeze tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So close!!!

I was a little suprised at the number this morning. 140.4 is really close to the 139!! Closer than I've ever been!! My new LW!!!

It won't last though. I really don't think it will for the morning despite my sub 500 cal day. Yeah, I didn't hit the gym thanks to my stupid late mid shift so that probably will screw me for the morning, but I'll hit the gym tomorrow so that should definatly help.

Buuuuut.... there's a visit tomorrow. One of the head guys braved the horrible roads and will more than likely drag us out for lunch (well, only drag me, the rest will go happily). It all comes down to where we go. Edo, I can't eat anything there, Swiss Chalet, I can have the soup and salad, East Side I can have the soup.... STREEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Tomorrow, have oatmeal and tea for breakfast, and a yogurt until lunch. Take a salad and rice cake as I can't say for sure we'll go for lunch. Depending on what happens, some kind of snack before the gym, and then core at 630pm, trying to be there an hour before to run. Do some leg, ab and arms and more cardio after. Dinner after, and again depends on what happens during the day. Either steamed veggies and salmon, or just the veggies.

It's cold out there today!!! Going to drop to -20C tomorrow so gotta remember the scarf coz my poor ears were freezing today. All of me was freezing today. For a moment I almost missed my layer of fat!

Sheri at work was bitching to me about how 'thin' I was. She said she can tell my hip bones are sticking out just the way my pants are sitting and that I need to stop losing weight. Considering I'm barely at 5lbs for this month and have plenty more to go, I need to buy new pants finally that fit so people stop commenting. I've got 23lbs to go as of today...

And yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! Prince William and Kate are engaged!!! Some good news before I go to bed. Now I only need an amazing nights sleep and a low number tomorrow... Please??

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!!!

Had to have a laugh as while I was typing that for my entry title, Strombo was singing it! He was talking about the stores having the Christmas music and decorations up. I'm talking about SNOW!!!

The winter storm blew in last night and howled, then dumped snow on us. When I got up this morning we had snow blowing sideways and drifts. Didn't quite realise how icy it was until I had to stop, but I didn't hit anything and didn't go too far into the intersection. For most of the day when we looked outside it was pure white out. Don't think I saw a plough or a sander out all day but considering the time I was finished with all the office stuff it was dark outside, I kinda missed the entire daylight part of the day. There's just something that is magical about seeing the snow resting on the branches of the pine trees (once the wind quit of course) and the snowflakes gently falling from the sky. By the time Christmas hits it won't be quite so magical though...

Snow did something else also. Reminded me of Scott. I remember years and years ago hanging out in front of his friends place while he stepped on my shoe laces and tried to push me over. I just remember that it was snowing then and that memory stuck in my mind.... so I sent a few messages to Tom and he was teasing me about heading out there to shovel his parking lot.

Didn't get much done today as I ended up in meetings all day. I have to add all the crap I didn't do today to tomorrows schedule, as well as get ready for the visit on Thursday. I've got to go in early and I work a late mid. I'm thinking that if I hit a good number tomorrow then I won't go to the gym after work (or before!!) Again, see what the scales say in the morning.

Speaking of which, 141.9lbs. I wasn't happy to go up, even 0.3lbs, but I'm thrilled to be below 142.0 still. Pre hot chocolate I was 142.0 so I'm hoping for 141.0 or less by morning. If I can do that I'll be back on the 7lbs loss plan, and 5lbs plan. The 10lb plan is gone I think.... I have to be 138 tomorrow to hit that.

Ate more than I wanted to today. Matt brought Turkish delight and some other candy so I ate a ton, at least 600 cals, probably more. Tomorrow, oatmeal or wheatabix for breakfast with tea, then off to work (with either another tea or not... depends on how late I wake up and what the scales say!) Take salad for lunch which I probably won't eat till much later, try for 3pm. Yogurt for a snack with a rice cake, cantelopue and maybe one of those 10 cal soups. For dinner, leftover soup, some of that raviolli and maybe some steamed veggies. I want to try to stay under 500 cals though.... again, see what the scales say.

Workout today was long. I got there late and only ran for 15 minutes. I saw Shawn as I was running and he made gestures about how early I was. I couldn't really say anything but I think he remembered I had yoga. Smaller class today but I felt good for most of it. After I jumped on the bike for 20 min and sweated it out. Then on to training where Shawn started by saying that I've spent waaaaay too much time at the gym today. I reminded him it was yoga so not exactly high calorie burning, and he said ok, as long as I wasn't killing myself. Started off by telling him about the wierd pain in my very lower back and I wasn't sure if it was a bone that I'd bruised during the new squat exercise, or a muscle. He guessed at one too high, so I showed him where it was and he had a poke. It's really quite low, as in almost my ass low. He showed me where it was and cracked about that I was now too boney and needed some more fat on me. (!) Arms day and we spent a ton of time talking as per usual. His back is still bugging him and I told him about my sleeping issues. He figures it might be the vitamins, I checked they don't have Ginseng in them... I'm not sure what it is, but I'm not having tea tonight, maybe that will help?

It's barely midnight and I'm exhausted. See if I can keep my eyes open long enough to read ( I really need to finish those library books soon!). Tomorrow will largely depend on what the scales say in the morning!!!

Will we actually get snow?

I say that as we've had snow forcast on and off for the past few months. We usually get our first dumping in September and it's every few weeks after we'll get another sprinkling until now when we get another dumping. We haven't had snow yet. We've had cooler temperatures, scraping snow off the windshield, but no snow. It just doesn't feel like winter is coming yet without the white stuff. There's something magical about that first snowfall, like Loralai Gilmore sees when she drags Luke out of bed for it. That clean crisp air, hot chocolate, sitting by the fire, bundling up in winter coats and scarves. I'll miss the smoking the first few days, and the snow will get old quick, but I just want that first snowfall to happen.

Got up later than I wanted and still not a great nights sleep. That app on my phone is showing that I'm not even dropping into REM sleep and I can definatly feel the difference when I get up. I'm just tired and I think it's got something to do with the fact that I'm sleeping 8 hrs a night. Maybe it's too much?

Hit the gym and ran for the 40 min and then went off to do the rest of leg day. Kinda lame really, just hamstrings and quads. Did a bunch of crunches with the half ball also then jumped on the bike for 30min. Felt nice and wobbly afterwards, as well as a bit dizzy. Home to shower and off to work. Work was ok.... until I saw next weeks schedule as he's gone and fucked it all up. He's given me Wednesday off and I'm closing saturday. I never work Saturday and close!!! Way to fuck everything up, asshole!!! I can't do training on Saturday now, can't on Thursday or Friday, and I'm not going to do -one after the other, so I guess next week is only one day. I've got to book that tomorrow, get the 8-9 spot after Yoga and do numbers. Sucks having the Wednesday off coz I'll be there anyways for the call and the meetings I have scheduled. I'll just have to suck it up and deal again. Hopefully I won't be screwed all December. I wanted the Sunday not Saturday shifts like last year....

Today I was a glorious 141.6lbs. So close to my all time low of 141.0, and closer than ever to 139. I was 142.8 when I got home from work so I'm really hoping that I'll be 141.0 by morning (please???) and that will dictate what I eat tomorrow. Today I tried the constant eating again. Ate half the oatmeal and a tiny bit of tea before the gym, then a rice cake and the sardines after the gym. On the way to work I grabbed a strawberry booster juice (only had half....) and then at work I ate yogurt, salad, soup and cantaloupe. I did however eat a few cheetos as they were just in the staff room and I was starving. Had to swing by the grocery store on my way home and it was hard work not to go wander down the bakery section. Even now my stomach is not quite growling but I could eat.

If the scales drop tomorrow, then I'll have breakfast, take salad, yogurt and a rice cake for lunch, grab a bit of cottage cheese pre gym, then have dinner after. If the scales don't drop enough, then I'll skip breakfast, and go very light on dinner. Looking forward to tomorrow, Yoga and training. Plan on doing some running before, yoga, then either bike or elliptical before training. Gonna try to wear the new pants tomorrow...

Gum in the dryer

Yup, I left a half a stick of gum in a pocket, then sent it through the wash, and the dryer. I don't think it's done any damage to my clothes as I managed to scrape the lump out on the second last load.

Ah, best plans are never followed.... I slept to my leisure and got up before 10am, but not too much before! Had a pot of tea before indulging in a bar of wheatabix. Damn it tasted good!!! I even had enough calories to put a tiny amount of sugar on it! I was planning on staying in my pj's all day, playing rock band, making the poster, cleaning....

I showered, and went out. I hit up various places and got what I needed... but had a helluva time finding sweat pants. The ones with drawstrings were the plasticy type and I'd be sweating buckets before I even hit the treadmil. The others I just didn't like. I did find one pair I liked but they had nowhere to put my iPod. I ended up coming back to the house and chilling for a bit before heading out again as the photo's wouldn't be done for a bit. Hit Walmart and found pants!!! I tried on the medium but bought the small. They're skin tight up top, and baggier further down. I NEVER would have even tried these on 6 months ago, and now I'm in a small and actually considering wearing them to the gym on Tuesday!! They'll be perfect for yoga, and I'll find out how well they work for training. Yeah, you'll see my wobbles but it's better than hiking up my damn pants constantly. Plus that's inspiration right there. Won't want to have that chocolate, or extra rice cake if I've got the image of myself wobbling around in a mirror. Finished the poster though, and it took all night to do laundry. The dryer is still going. Stupid bedding is still damp and it's midnight! Buuuuuut..... hot chocolate time!!!!

Currently watching Whip It with Ellen Paige. I love her. Loved Juno (and that was before I found out where East Jesus Nowhere came from!) and this one is turning the same way. Dig the flick about rollerderby chicks, and she's the same radical chick she was in Juno, just a bit different. Awesome movie so far, well worth the buy!

So, today was a success. Yeah, I only got through 1 bass song and 1 guitar song on rock band. I cleaned the house but didn't take in the recycling. I spent way more than I wanted, I didn't start the gloves and did absolutly no exercise (can't count the 10 mins of yoga this morning) but I feel awesome!!!

Why? Well, the scale went down again today. 143.9lbs. It's only a 0.6 drop but I'm dropping again!!! Food was amazing today! After breakfast I had a light lunch of half the mac and cheese I didn't eat last night. When I came back before picking up my photos I had a salad with cuke, tomatos, and half the sardines (mustard sauce not so good..... tomato sauce and maybe the spicy one next time!). I splurged and got cantaloupe so 34 cals worth for a snack (stupid sugar content) then broccoli and honey garlic sauce (mmmmm) followed by half the light soup. I've snacked on one multigrain rice cake, one jello snack pack, and one 100 cal popcorn pack. Adding in my hot chocolate I'll have had 770 calories. Considering how much I felt like I've eaten, I'm really happy with that. I've eaten it constantly, every few hours having something. I'm hungry now (but obviously won't eat anything) but this means that hopefully I've kick started my metabolism again.

As of right now, pre hot chocolate, I am 142.9lbs. I hope that sticks overnight!

The plan for tomorrow.... Want to get up around 8am and have some breakfast, probalby some oatmeal. Head to the gym around 9am and hit the post office right before to see about mailing that poster. Hit the treadmill after that, see if I can do 40 min again! I'll probably do some leg work seeing as Saturday was lame, just avoid the calves, and perhaps some very light arm work as it's arm day numero uno on Tuesday. Hit the bike or elliptical after, depending on how I feel. Plan on leaving the gym around 11am, head home shower and eat.... eat what though. Probably just yogurt. I'll take the salad to work and the soup, with a rice cake for a snack. Maybe a booster juice will be in order?!?!?!?!?!?Maybe not even a protein one, see what other options there are. Work done, home for a snack and tea or hot chocolate and bed.

It wasn't as bad as I thought this morning. 144.5 so the same as yesterday.

Dragged my ass out of bed at 9am and I was exhausted. Sleep app tells me that I'm basically not falling into a deep sleep, just flitting between barely awake and barely asleep for 8 hrs (last night). I'll take the 3 hrs sleep I had the night before over that.

Met 'S' at her house by 10am and off we went. Costco was busy but so much fun. They had the stupid sampler tables set up which was kinda cool coz I got to taste a bunch of stuff without overeating. I had a piece of cookie, cheesecake, lasagne and 2 chocolate cookies. Probably way too many calories, but it was fun. Got home later than I wanted, and then got distracted so I didn't get on a treadmill until 130pm. Ran for 23min and while I ran I started feeling gross. I've felt tired all day and now I had a sore throat and could feel myself heating up.

Leg day.... started on a new machine. Squat machine? Stupid machine that has pads on the shoulders and dig into me. We spent about 30 or so min on there getting the weight right. Then the wierd chair ones (that he had to make a crack about gynecologists with....) and off to a calf machine. I did one set and felt my calf pull again. He had me up and stretching instead of my instinct to grab, massage and hope it doesn't completely pull/cramp. It did it again during the second set so we stopped for the day and checked appointments. Talked about the muscles for chin ups (coz I was curious) and eating bananas to help with electrolytes. I didn't do any more cardio just coz I didn't want to hurt my leg more.

Work was ok.... managed not to eat but I really wanted to!!!! Went to Walmart after and bought tons of food, but ok stuff. Wheatabix, oatmeal, tuna, canned salmon, sardines, salad dressing, and a ton of light soup. Yup, Campbells has light soup now!!! I'm either going to have the beef or the minestrone tomorrow for dinner!

Home and half a easy mac cup, and some light hot chocolate.

I'm adequatly tired now, and just need to fall asleep, wake up in the morning, and be at least .5lb lighter. Anything. Just have to drop the weight.

6lbs, 10 days.

I slept like shit. I woke up at 5am in a panic that I'd slept through my alarm... Nope, and instead I got to toss and turn for 2 hours listening to the wind howl outside. So a grand total of 3, maybe 4 hours sleep? Chiro appt at 7:40am so hit the gym straight after. Jumped on the treadmil and ran. It was so awesome. I just sorta went into some zone and before I knew it but it was 30 min and I still felt fine. So I ran for 40 min! Headed up stairs and did a ton of arms work and more abs. Then jumped on one of the bikes for 30 min. I spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 hrs at the gym I felt fantastic!!!!

I'd eaten a half an oatmeal before going, had a yogurt after, then a rice cake and tea before heading out. Hit Fabricland and bought a shit ton of fleece. They don't sell the anti flamitory material for kids jammies so no jammies for the youngest nephew. If 'S' is cool with it I'll just do some with regular flannel. But I got stuff for the mitts. Headed to work and got some more stuff done before heading off to Micheals. Got a bunch of the scrapbooking stuff so I can do that poster on Sunday. The mall was NUTS!!! It was almost like Rememberance Day passed and everyone gathered en masse to shop. There's houses decorted and ready to go already and the store is horribly green from all the decorations... BAH HUMBUG!!!!

I bought a Dyson today. I've wanted one for years and now I've got one!!! And OMG was it gross! I couldn't believe how much it pulled out of my carpet!!! Bye bye canister vacuum!!! Even better I got some kids version too so giving that to Seth.

Headed home and had a salad with no tuna as apparently I don't have any and a sugar free jello snack. Went to job dos to drive and they had a huge fuck up on a big order.... Yeah will power went right out the door... 5 pieces of pizza left and I was stuffed. I even ate a personal sized desert pizza too and it was soo sweet. I have a headache now and I'm blaming that!

I was doing so well. By the time I got to work I'd had under 300cals. I had a banana and rice cake with me, as well as a mug of tea and water. I should have come home and had more tea (I ended up staying later so making broccoli at 11pm wouldn't have been cool) then bed and a sub 500 day. I've had over 2000 so far.

The scale pissed me off this morning. I had 3 different weights. 145.8, 147.7 and 144.5. I took the 144.5. I was 143.5 post gym and 145.4 when I got home from work. I should be 144.5 agian by morning, if not a bit lighter. Considering how I ate, it could be way worse.

I'm looking at my chart and I was supposed to be 139.5 by tomorrow on the hardest plan. I have 10 days to drop at least 5lbs, wanting 8lbs.

I need to eat to keep my metabolism going.

Tomorrow having tea when I wake up, then right before I leave having oatmeal. Taking a rice cake and water with me in case. Will beg off lunch if it comes up as I can't train on a full stomach. If I make it home with time to spare, have a yogurt, if not, nothing. Post workout, salad or cottage cheese (protein) and take rice cake, banana and water with me. I've indulged today, so not tomorrow. I must remember how to be strong. Dinner will depend on what time I get home. If it's before 9pm, steamed veggies and maybe some salmon or soup. After 9pm, soup or something else really light.

Stupid fucked up headache... and the guys upstairs sound like they've got a trampoline set up inside... midnight and all I wanna do is sleep.

I was so tired this morning. Getting 8 hrs of sleep is killing me. I got a ton done at work but I was shaky and dizzy. I could have gone longer today but I had to eat something so my metabolism could get going again. I was 142.9lbs this morning and didnt' go to the gym. Had tea, water, soup and yogurt by the time I got home. Ate steamed broccoli for dinner before heading out with the guys.

I don't normally go with them coz it's wings night, but I went this time. Had quesidilla and split a spinach dip along with 3 diet cokes. I probably should have not eaten that as it's put me right back to 145 but I should be able to drop back to 143 by morning.

Off tomorrow and due to 'G' fucking with my schedule I've got a chiro appt at 7:40am. Seeing as I'll be up already I may as well hit the gym right after meaning I'll be home and showered by 11am or so. I've got to go buy the fabric and patterns for mittens and pj's for the nephews and got that coupon so I can get more fabric paints and a bunch of scrapbooking stuff. Also want to see if I can get new, better gym pants. I need some with a drawstring coz my ass is still huge but they're falling off my waist constantly.

I assume I'm driving later, haven't actually gone to check the schedule, so I'll do that and head into work to buy the vacuum. Geez it'll be a ton of cash but I've wanted one for ages. Do some work too while I'm there....

My days off fill up too fast, but I'm hanging out with 'S' on Saturday morning before training so it'll be good to catch up. Going to Costco so I've got to remember cash for cat litter.

Minimum goal tomorrow was 143.1 and I'm not sure I can hit that thanks to tonight... Skip breakfast as usual, and salad for a late lunch. If I drive, then possibly a piece of pizza if there's extra but no purchasing pizza. If nothing, then something light when I get home, or nothing at all. Snacks... rice cakes and yogurt. I need to eat enough to keep my metabolism going, but little enough to keep the scales low. 2hrs at the gym should take care of some of it.

Saturday may have to involve some breakfast. Perhaps half an oatmeal package right before heading out with 'S' and her son and then avoid lunch at all costs. Its leg day on Saturday so having a full stomach really wouldn't be wise. Maybe take a rice cake in case of snacking.... As for Sunday? Well that will all depend on what the scales say on Sunday morning.

So close, but so far away....