Goodbye to 2010

Another year in the bag. This one certainly has been a life changing year!!!

I entered 2010 trying to quit smoking, and almost 190lbs. I vowed to eat healthy and begin exercising, begining with a walk in the riverbottom on Jan 1st (pure coincidence. I had the day off. I hate resolutions) and eventually evolving in May to a very serious attempt to get in shape. It got a bit warped in July/August and I've done nothing but encourage it, but I am hoping I will enter 2011 under 140.0lbs.

I've joined a gym, got a trainer, and stuck to a plan. I love going there, the classes, the people who work there and also clients. My trainer is amazing and in the past little while really feels like a friendship has evolved. He is someone that I know can make me smile even when I'm having the worst day, even when his world is crashing around him.

I've dealt with the blow of having my boss get promoted (yay her!!!!) and leave the store. I've weathered the change of management with my new boss being an asshole. I've accomplished a few high scores, received recognition for the work I've done, and made a name for myself around the western team.

I've added 3 guitars and a bass to my collection, the first guitar of the year being my dream guitar, my baby. I can play and sing, though not in public!

I took the plunge and went to see my favourite band for the first time ever, flying halfway around the world to do so. I loved it so much I went to Oakland to see them in their home town.

In my mind I can see images of traipsing all over the Great Orme in Wales, seeing Gilman Street for the first time, walking all over Oakland with my pack, camping in Fernie in the glorious mountains and many many more.

I've changed physically. I've chopped my once blonde shoulder length hair to a fauxhawk that is now black. It's been various shades of brown and blue in between. I've added two new tattoos this year, and shed 50lbs. Instead of wearing only jeans and a big baggy sweater, I wear girly sweaters, and other clothes that are more fashionable and fitting. My work with Shaun has produced some nice muscle definition but there's still a long way to go. I can lift more, run further, push harder, and am more in tune with my body than I ever have been.

I've changed emotionally. I feel better about myself and have more confidence. I've stepped out of my shell and tried new experiences. I have still cried at the drop of a hat but have gotten much better at that recently, and have improved on keeping some of my anger, and other emotions internal.

Despite my food issues I am probably healthier than I have been since I was 15.

What does this mean for 2011? Well, that will be posted tomorrow.

Today was another interesting day. I could NOT fall asleep, posting on Facebook again and having Shaun and Falcon start up conversations. Eventually I got about 3hrs sleep before heading into work at 5am with -28C temperatures... yup, winter hath returneth!!!

Worked for 3.5hrs before I got the official offer to take the new job. It's a 'temporary' position as they may have to have me back here for March, but they're trying to get approval to override that. I said yes. At this point it would be silly to say no. I have to meet my new boss on Sunday in the new city.

My head is still spinning.

I had a massage today and she said my neck and shoulders are very very tight and she reccomends more frequent massages. As much as I don't want to, she may be right. Went back to work for a tripod then to the gym for 40min on the elliptical.

Leg day for training. We upped some of the weights, but for the leg squat we went to four sets instead of three. Leg squats, calf, and the groin/hip flexers one. Once again we yapped way too much, but it's awesome. Left wishing each other happy new years and for a fleeing moment I wondered what it would be like to hug him.

Home then out driving where it was really busy. Then I followed through with my dinner plans from last night. Post gym I was 138.7lbs. Currently 139.7. Considering my binge I was expecting much worse.

Tomorrow, I am hoping for 138.9 or lower. I have to clean the house really well tomorrow as that will be it until next week. I also need to go purchase a small cooler and ice pack and buy two of some things so I can have a set of somethings here, and somethings at my friends house in the new city.. things like makeup, pj's, toothbrust etc.

I have to be in the new store by about 3ish on Sunday, so I may still be able to hit the gym. Tomorrow I have dinner at my one friends so that will help counter that.

My mind is starting to bounce all over the place. I need sleep.

Happy New Year all!!!

Where To Start?

Today has been a bit crazy. Just all over the place. I'm not sure where to start, or where my thoughts end. I couldn't sleep last night so maybe that's what is screwing with me. I laid there for a while, nodded off, then woke up again. I posted some shit on facebook, had my trainer respond and then continued a game of scrabble with another friend... all at 2am.

My alarm went off at 8am to go to the gym, but I was tired so I kept sleeping for another half an hour until my old boss shot me a text asking if I was up for a chat. I'd fired her that email last night frustrated about my current boss and how he was treating me and other staff. We chatted for at least a half an hour and I felt much better, but still frustrated. She told me to talk to my HR gal but I dislike and don't trust her. I said I'd think about it.

I headed to work, picking up a medium black coffee as a treat along the way. Jumped into the office and while I did work for most of the day, I also did a lot of pissing around, on my phone, talking, bitching, just wandering. Towards the end of my shift my boss did call me and tell me he wanted some time with me tomorrow, a half hour or so. I told him it wasn't fair of him to ask me that as I would stress all night so I badgered him into telling me. I swore I wouldn't tell anyone, but the request to move is going to happen tomorrow. It's much sooner than I wanted, as they will ask for me to be up there by Sunday. I'm not sure how this is going to work out, so we'll see what the details are tomorrow.

This is all stressing me out. I want this, I really do, there's just so many 'buts' in there too! I'm nervous about living with my friend. It will only be for 5days a week for at max 2 months, but I won't be able to control as much what I eat, or when I eat. Though I began to think that if I pretend I'm working long days I can pretend I'm eating at work, and hitting the gym instead. I could theoretically drop a fair amount of weight if I play my cards right....

I'm going to miss my privacy. I love her two little boys, my nephews, but I like my 'alone' time as well. I think I will drive back every Friday and go back up there every Monday or Sunday night. That was I can still train with Shaun every Saturday and drive those nights too. Plus there's the packing I'll have to do and I'll enjoy being in my own bed.

I need to stop thinking about this and wait until tomorrow to find out details without having to speculate.

Today went well. I've not eaten anything, just liquids. I had tea, coffee, water, vitamin water, my Berry Boost juice, the last of the mocha one, more tea and a low cal hot chocolate. I did have half of the light tomato soup for 84cals but I count that as a liquid. I could never do a water fast I don't think. I just couldn't deal with my stomach.....

All in all 508 cals (it was those damn juices... but if they do the job, they're worth the extra cals).

Tomorrow I have to be up and at work by 5am.. a mere 5hrs and 48 min away. Tea and maybe a coffee will be the order of business for the morning!!! I will work until my chiro appt at 8:40am, then I have nothing until my massage at noon (so looking forward to that!!!). Noon till 1 is the massage, and I want to be at the gym by 2. I will need to eat something by noon, and then something else after 1. Maybe a yogurt? some salad? Not sure yet. I also drive tomorrow and am really tempted to get one of those dinner boxes as a treat. I'll work till 10pm and maybe if I don't snack all shift I will get the dinner box and have some mac and cheese. Just a bit. Maybe. Maybe I won't and I'll get even lower. Yeah....

Fuck.

Going to a friends house on Jan 1st for dinner so maybe I should save my 'binging' for that day.

C'mon morning... lets leave 140 behind and never touch it again in 2011!!!!

A Response To Bree

In case you didn't notice, I'm not following your blog. I am an adult and can find blogs perfectly fine on my own. I did visit your blog once and could not bear to deal with the lousy music that plays when I load the page. Stop leaving spam comments on my posts. Please comment only if you have something genuine to say about my life, my day, my constant struggle with what I don't want to consider an eating disorder.

Do you?

No?

Just self promotion?

Then fuck off.

Popcorn and Nutella

That's how my evening ended.

I started off somewhat ok. I got up late, but I slept deeply, better than I have in a long time. I made my tea, checked PT, got ready for work and went out into the falling snow to head to work. Jumped in the office to do some stuff and was there for a while before Sheri asked me to come help with the lineup. No prob!!! Right out and helping until we took care of it and I went back to doing my work. Apparently that wasn't good enough for my boss but instead of coming to me, he chose to make snide comments to Sheri. When I finally ran into him it was about another employee that had hurt themselves, and then later while he joked about chocolate in the lunch room. He never said a word to me, negative or otherwise.

Whatever. He's off tomorrow so I don't have to deal with him. I mean, I understand that the plan was to have me up front, helping with the lineups, but we didn't have any lineups. Does he really want to pay his 3rd highest person in the store to stand at the entrance bored out of her mind?

Towards the end of my shift I felt sorry for Chris in the warehouse and decided I could go help him out so we hauled TV's and appliances around for a few hours. I left 2.5hrs late but I always enjoy working in the warehouse, especially as Chris is a good guy to work with. However, my shoulder was bugging me a bit earlier, and it was really hurting when I left. I'm not sure if it's in the bone or muscle but it's really bad if I put weight on my arm. Even lifting my purse hurt.

I ended up eating after all. Matt brought chocolates and was so happy to bring me one. He dragged me into the lunch room to give me one so I had one and itwas delightful! So he gave me another and insisted I have it. So I ate it too. 140calories for both pieces. I had a few pieces of my 72% dark chocolate and then figured I'd just get right back to fasting. Until I wandered into the lunch room later and ate 4 cookies and a bowl of frosted flakes. I love dry cereal!!!! I ate the rice cake I didn't eat the other day and the rest of the chocolate. I managed not to eat the cake I've brought for someone else but it was a close call. Once home I ate cottage cheese, 3 chips with salsa and a bowl of cheerios with milk. Once that was done I had a bag of 100cal popcorn dipped in nutella. It's one of my favourite snacks and unfortunatly tonight it turned into a mini binge.

I'm hoping I can still be 141.? by morning. I am supposed to be 140.9 by morning. I'm still debating if I want to hit the gym in the morning. I really should, even if it's just for an hour. It'll be bloody cold, deep snow, and I'll have to be there by 9am at the latest. Hopefully the -20C will keep people away. No running though..... think I should still rest my knee. Bike or elliptical, maybe some weights, possibly kill my abs?

Plan is to do the liquid fast tomorrow. Same plan as today, but this time follow through.

Wander: I gotta say I was pretty floored after that number. That's kinda why I want to do another and why I'm so scared to keep doing it. Just watching it drop is addictive (apparently not enough to keep me away from food today though....) For the trainer weighing me in... first time freaked me out on that very first appointment. By the first month weigh in I was stoked as I'd dropped 10lbs and he was really excited about it. Same the next month. As the last 3 months have ticked by and it's been less loss each time I've not been as elated, but it's still a loss. As fucked up as it sounds, I want to see how he reacts when I get lower than he wants me to be. I want him to say I'm too low. Why? Not a clue. Maybe it's some kind of validation that I'm 'getting somewhere' in my mind.

Sucess and Failiure

Managed a glorious 141.9lbs this morning, much better than what I hoped for. I'm over my goals, but not by much, only over by 0.6 for goal 5.

Work today was ok. We were not as busy as we were last year on returns day 1, but with the systems very slow things got a tiny bit backed up dealing with customers, and majorly backed up dealing with product. When I left there was a mountain of stuff that was awaiting an audit.

I yelled at a few people, and people were pissing me off. Sheri wanted to do just the auditing, while I needed her to do what I was doing so I could get on a computer and fix all the inventory fuck ups from the last few days. She pansied around it for a bit and I got pretty frustrated and yelled at Gary about it. I barely saw him all day, he didn't even say goodbye when he left but I should be used to that by now.

I hate that I'm becomming a time card puncher. I leave when my shift is done, not when my stuff is done. I still care about what I do, I like most of the people I work with, I'm just getting more frustrated. Every time Gary tells me 'good job' it's never a spur of the moment thing, it's always some bullshit timing. Something like when we had our bonus buydown and he gave me a bunch of compliments. I'm sure he had to do that as per HR and it always seems so forced, like he's expected to do it at that point, and always with an audience. I much rather prefer the thank you's or good jobs I get in emails, or a clap on the back from the district team. I know that's spur of the moment and genuine. Otherwise why bother doing it?

What got me onto that? Well, he's done nothing but bitch about how things have gone. Christmas Eve wasn't set up properly (No shit, we didn't have enough people and we told you that!!!), Boxing Day was not as good as we wanted it (Sunday in an area of the country where a vast majority of our population belongs to a religion that will not spend on a Sunday...), resetting the store last night didn't get done properly (again, no staff scheduled, and we were all VERY tired from the 12hr minimum shift the day previous) and today things weren't just as he wanted them. How can he possibly say good job and then bitch about what me and my team are doing wrong.

I miss my old boss.

I ended up spending too much time in the lunch room and in the process ate way too much. I started with a few peanuts, then a chocolate ball, then a mini donut, and a half a bowl of dry cereal... which progressed to half a sandwich, more cookies, cereal, chocolate, licorrice.... Yeah, I felt like shit pretty quickly.

By the time I got to the gym I was dying of thirst and later than I wanted to be so I managed 20 min on the treadmill before training began. Arm day 2 and we did change it up a tiny bit, just doing some of the exercises first instead of last.

It was a wierd session, bad but good. Some shit's going on in Shauns life which sucks, but I'm glad he feels like he can talk to me. It's my curse, to be the friend, the one who listens to the problems of others with a sympathetic ear. I truly do care about my friends but I felt like shit coz I wasn't sure how to respond. We ended up talking about how he got into personal training and that was interesting. It really is an example of someone doing what they love to do, and what fascinates them.

I'm a tad jealous.

Tomorrow is a mid shift, so no time to hit the gym (probably a good thing seeing as I've done something to my knee....) before or after work. Thinking of doing another fast, actually beyond thinking, just going ahead and doing. I'll get up early enough to jump on the bike at home for a bit (9am or earlier) and do some work on the fit ball/yoga. See if I can hit an hour, then get ready for work. Morning will be water, and tea. Once at work, water, vitamin water, and my leftover berry juice will be the items of the day, as well as staying the fuck out of the lunch room. For dinner I have the leftover tomato soup (yeah, not technically 'allowed' on a liquid fast but whatever, I don't have to chew it and it's 80 cals)

Hoping I can get 141.5 or lower by morning, and then 140 by Thursday morning. Not sure I can thanks to my stupid pigging out today but we'll see.

Fuck I'm back into only thinking/blogging about my damn food intake, gym time and weight. Even today Shaun was bugging me about gaining weight over Christmas. I told him I did gain a bit, but have lost most of it. He immediatly made some comment about eating disorders which I of course laughed off. He went on to joke about not eating for 3 days to drop the weight. It's making me feel a bit panicked. I have so much more to lose!!! I can not be 'called out' now, especially as while I do have food/weight issues, I want to actually feel like I've accomplished 'slim' before someone kicks up a fuss. I'm still thinking 120 would be a nice goal but I'm wondering if I can hit 115.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.... this is a fucked up mind I live in. A delusion.

And I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE IT!!!!!

To Fast

I chose to fast today, a liquid fast. I'm happy with how I've done so far. I've had less than 400 cals and not a single morsel of food. No chewing involved today at all!

Got up and hit the gym, doing a 30min run followed by a leg day, then 15min on the bike to cool down. Hit Safeway and grabbed two smoothies. They're the Bolthouse Farms, 450mls. After much debate I got the Berry Boost and the Mocha Cappuccino with the extra protein in it. I had half the Mocha when I got home (178 cals) and took the other to work. At work I had my tea which lasted forever, around 800mls of water (a bit low on water today), half the Berry Boost smoothie and the Fuji Pear 10cal Vitamin water. Once I got home I brewed some tea. The juices were higher in calories, but worth it I hope. They're also super high in sugars though. Not sure I would get the Mocha one too often as it really is quite sweet. It was about 178cals for half, the Berry one was about 130cals for half. I've calculated it out and it's 387cals total, and -78cals net not including the leg work.

This morning I was 145.1lbs. Currently 143.9lbs. Hoping to get down to 143.0 or lower. I have until the 31st to drop below 140 so that gives me 4 days to drop this extra weight and it will put me back on track for the toughest goal.

Tomorrow is going to be a hard long day at work with loads of running about. I have to bail right at 530 in order to get to the gym and on a treadmil. Try to do 40min before training, then possibly no cooldown, haven't decided yet. I guess it depends on how exhausted I am.

I would love to keep this fast going but I have to eat tomorrow. I don't know if I want cereal or oatmeal for breakfast and of course tea. Take a yogurt and salad to work, and finish off the berry boost. I'll take a rice cake too and allow myself a few chips from the lunch room, but no cookies or candy. Maybe some dried cereal instead as I can happily munch on dry cheerios or frosted flakes for a treat? It all depends on how busy I'm going to be!!! For dinner I'll have to have veggies and depending on how I feel, maybe some soup. I'd like to keep it under 600 cals where at all possible...

Shaun posted a video on his facebook today and damn I just love that song. They lyrics are just going around and around in my head right now.

To Fast Or Not To Fast

That is the question.....

I was 142.5lbs this morning. I was ok with that number. I had to be 142 by tomorrow morning to stay on track, and it was totally doable if I stayed good today.

Yeah, not so much. Once at work I started with a croissant, followed by a muffin, sandwhich, chips, donuts, chocolate, gummy candy, more chips, cookies, 3 or 4 slices of cheese pizza and more!!! Then when I got home I figured seeing as I had already fucking pigged out, the leftoevers from yesterday wouldn't be too bad so I ate all the veggies, a tiny piece of potato and a bite or two of turkey..

I'm 147.9 fucking pounds right now.

Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck....

That's 6lbs over what I need to be by morning. It's gonna be really hard to drop this!!!! I have to lose 13lbs in just over 3 weeks.

I want to fast tomorrow. If I do, it would have to end by noon on Tuesday as I have training that evening. But here's my thought. If I get up around 8 or 9am, have a cup of tea and then an hour later hit the gym (if I can be there by 10 or 11am, preferably 10am!) Have only water while I'm there, do running, legs and the spin bike around 2hrs total. Home and shower with another tea for work. On my way to work grab a smoothie from Safeway, one of those that are like 450cals but if that's all I'm having I'll be ok. During my shift I'll have that, vitamin water, and regular water. I guess I'll take a yogurt and the salad I didn't eat today in case I crash. I'm 230-11 so it may happen!!! I work at 9am on Tuesday so possibly oatmeal or yogurt before work unless I feel fantastic that morning.

My issue is that I enjoy fasts and the last few I did back in early Nov, and Oct, I ended up gaining back very quickly after. Maybe I should just try and see what happens.

I want to be below 146 tomorrow morning, and hopefully I can drop below 144 by Tuesday. I would really prefer to be below 140 by Jan 1st and if anything this ridiculous overeating will help me drop it quickly.

My back hurts, my stomach hurts, my feet hurt. I feel fat and disgusting. I'm going to bed, reading and trying to forget today happened.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Tis a gorgeous day!!! Or I should saw 'twas as it's 20 minutes to midnight.

After a late night I crawled my ass out of bed at 7am and had my morning tea while pissing around on facebook (I've spent way too much time on facebook in the last few days!!!). Went to my friends to shoot up her diabetic kitties and then to the parents for breakfast. I was somewhat good. I had 2 sausages, 3 pieces of bacon and 1.5 pieces of french toast with a tiny bit of scrambled eggs (they didn't make much so I couldn't take more).

Gift time followed and it was fun. Dad loved his camera! I got 2 guitar books, pajamas, a spice rack, lots and lots of moisturiser and bath stuff, socks, jewelry, gift certificates to a local running store and my entry to the fun run I want to do in March (!!!! 6km). I managed to escape with only 2 After Eight bars, one of which I had half. I will take the other one to work and toss the remaining half.

Home for several hours where I completely cleaned house. Didn't even sit, chill and read a book. I'm so gonna fail my goal of 3 books this month!!! Headed back to the parents for 5pm and began the feast.

I didn't do as bad as I feared, but still more than I wanted. I did eat dip, chips, and shrimp for appys, then we went into full dinner. Turkey, gravy, potatoes, brussell sprouts, peas, carrots and gravy. I managed to eat lots of veggies and less turkey. I did indulge in Christmas pudding with icing and then onto the chocolates but overall I don't feel too terrible.

Lots of compliments on how I look. I got into a good conversation with my sister (I weigh 4lbs less than her now!!!!) and step-mom about what we do in training and how it all works. I'm sure if I wanted to I could really really buckle down, follow my trainers plan and concentrate on gaining muscle.

I don't want to.

I'm 144.5 when I got home from dinner, hoping I don't go over 145 by bed time. I'm supposed to be down to 142 by the 27th but it might be the 28th or 29th depending on how tomorrow goes!!!

Plan for tomorrow as it's going to be NUTS!!!!

Up at around 7am and have tea. Shoot up my friends cats then off to work. I'll be there an hour early to clean up after breakfast. I may indulge in a bowl of cereal, but a reasonable portion. I may even allow myself half a croissant if there's one left. No donuts. For lunch I will have one sandwich and take my salad. For dinner, one or two pieces of cheese pizza. Throughout the day I will snack but try to limit the chocolate. It is a 12hr shift and I have to keep the lunch room clean. I must not go crazy. Considering how disgustingly full I feel I hopefully wont' have a problem.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Tomorrow

Life creeps this petty pace...

So much work over the past few months and it all comes down to tomorrow.... Kinda. We finished setting up the store for Boxing Day today and helped all those last minute shoppers. It didn't go as well as last year, not enough people scheduled after close and the later start really hurt us.

I get tomorrow off, then the madness begins. We have the Boxing Day sale that is mental, insanely busy followed by the same sale the next day but not so busy. We start accepting returns the following day and before you know it it's January, time to do all the callbacks and get ready for another inventory. Christmas will be over and it will be the rest of winter.

It just feels like we work for Christmas and then go into recovery, before Christmas starts up again. Life has turned into the 'same' despite the ups and downs. Instead of the routine of school, with the constant change of a grade, this is routine, without much change year to year. I know this is silly considering the change that's happened at work in the past year and the change I will go through in the coming year.

Silly, just me reflecting over the past year and year to come. I hate new years resolutions but I do have things I want to accomplish...

Today, well it was Christmas Eve. Candy, cookies, goodies and chocolates all around. I ate a half a box of Pot of Gold, several cookies in the lunch room, half a Funky Monkey Booster Juice, a salad, oatmeal, tea, soup, rice cakes..... It's been a crazy day.

I managed 141.3lbs this morning, so that's below the 142 I had as a goal. Only problem is I don't have much wiggle room. Due to my pig out on 5 Guys, I have to maintain 142 over the holiday, and begin to drop again on the 28th. I don't have another gym session until Dec 28th but I should be able to hit the gym on the 27th. Today I had no time. Tomorrow.... it's Christmas. I'd like to take a day off. Boxing Day will be mental enough without trying to add exercise on top of my 12 hr work day. I'm thinking a very restrictive diet after the holidays!

Tomorrow!!! Get up at 7-730am. Shower, go shoot up my friends cats (they're diabetic) and head to my parents for a bit before 9am for breakfast. I'm looking forward to coffee, scrambled eggs, and will enjoy a piece of bacon cooked very crispy, and a sausage. Gifts will follow ( yaay!!! can't wait to see what my Dad thinks of his!!!) then we get kicked out until later. I'm not sure what will happen but as I got nothing done at home tonight I should come home and clean as I won't have time next week. Then back to Dad's for dinner, and home for bed.

For food? If I restrict I will binge. I need to eat sensibly. I need to eat as though my trainer is there watching me and will approve of what I'm eating. I will have a sample of the treats, some of my sisters delightful dip, some of my uber healthy salsa, a handful of the pistachios that my step mom will have out. I will have some turkey, gravy, a potato or two and a ton of broccoli, sprouts and carrots. I will take some Christmas cake home and maybe have a slice. All the candy i'm almost guaranteed to get I will have a piece of, and then put in my car. Along with any other leftovers it will be disposed of either into the garbage, or taken to work and given to someone.

After the last holiday I gained 5lbs in one day. I know Boxing Day will hurt me too so I can't go too crazy. I know I will lose it, I just don't want to waste those days of losing the crap I eat this week instead of getting below this bloody 140 line.

All I want for Christmas.... is for my mind to take a break. I want to enjoy tomorrow without trying to purge, without panicking as I ate too much, without trying to count every calorie I eat and then when I'm over my 'limit' saying fuck it and completely over doing it....

Is that too much to ask?

Celebrations!!!

Today I celebrate one year of being a non-smoker. One year ago today I quit smoking (with Champex) and I haven't had one since. Oh I've craved, but never caved (to nicotine at least. There's definatly been some weed involved!). I never did get the cough, or the coughing up chunks of all the shit in my lungs. It's either stuck in there, or I didn't have much to begin with (considering I smoked for 11 years, not bloody likely). But now I've hit this day I can finally stop thinking about it and get on with my nicotine free life.

Today was a wierd day. I think it's been really good overall, but some it felt really bad, really sad, and really good.

I got up 15min late, and still got to work on time. Got into a pissing match with one of our delivery companies, then found out that the other delivery had parked their semi in front of the bay doors and when he tried to move it HE BROKE DOWN!!! WTF!!!! So after a half an hour of freaking out he managed to get it going, so we could get the work vehicles out of the bay, and he could unload in the warehouse. Got a bunch of paperwork done, a bunch of prep work for the big day, and then I was done.

My back has been bugging me all day so I did run out and buy one of those pillows which seems to help in the car. Also, despite some serious cravings, I didn't cave and ate what I took to work. One of the gals bought me a diet Pepsi, so I guess that was a treat for the day as I don't usually have it.

As I was getting ready to leave I saw Scott walk by. I haven't seen him in ages, at least a year, probably 2 years? His hair is longer again, and he's definatly got a gut on him now, but damn he still makes me smile to see him. I ran up to him and we chatted briefly. I mentionned Tom's name and he seemed to relax a bit. I felt kinda sad, but not as bad as I used to which made me miserable. I do miss him. I probably always will, but it's not nearly anywhere close to what it used to be. He was mine for a while and i'll never forget that, but we've both moved on and this is the first time I've seen him and realised it.

Got home, changed and headed to the gym where Shaun asked me if I was going to 'kill myself' today. I just got on a treadmill. About 15min later once he had finished with his client he jumped on the open treadmill beside me to chat..... which is tough at 5.2mph (yeah, slow, but I'm getting there.) He was concerned about me being there too long, and if I was taking a class, and if I had something to eat with me so I don't crash later. Of course I didn't have anything to eat, and told him I'd be fine (inbetween gasps) so he left saying he'd see me in a few hours.

For some reason that made me sad all over again. Something to do with how Tom doesn't really want a relationship per say, and how mine and Scotts relationship fell apart, and how Shaun expressed concern for me and all I'm doing is pushing myself further than I should and going against the advice and training he's giving me. I just ran, staring straight ahead, tunes blasting, trying to focus on everything other than bawling my eyes out.

Core was great, only 3 of us and the instructor and we did so many situps. My abs are going to be on FIRE tomorrow!!! I couldn't even get through one of the planks they were burning so good. Jumped on the elliptical for 20 min before Shaun showed up.

Despite my spaciness at the beginning we managed to pick things up right away. Lively conversation and lots of laughter helped. Arms day and I got to do the proper bench press without the guides using the olympic bar. That was cool, even if I am a little wobbly (its the balance thing....) He apparently searched me out on Facebook and tried to add me, but I didn't recognize the name so I ignored it. All good now though! I even got a card at the end.

Home to shower and have italian wedding soup (mmmmmm), then onto wrapping gifts. I stopped when I ran out of wrapping paper and now here I am, a half a cup of cold tea, 1230am and I have a crazy busy day at work tomorrow.

Today started off pissy, turning to contentment then sadness, frustration and perhaps a bit of anger. I had a lot of laughs at the gym, which continued later on when I updated my facebook status and someone had to make a few comments. Now, I'm ready to hit the hay, get some rest and get ready for tomorrow.

Speaking of which. I skipped breakfast today, had a yogurt later on, salad, cottage cheese, soup and some rice cakes. I've had 525 cals today, not bad overall. Tomorrow I want to have my oatmeal as it will be probably a big day, with tea. Start work around 9am and have my salad, yogurt and take some snacks (rice cakes etc) for later. I'm sure there will be TONS of candy so I will taste a few things, a sample here and there if you will. I'll be off around 730pm so I can come home and relax, have my soup and tea, clean the house or play some rockband. I could even get caught up on all the movies friends have left me!!!

I was 143.8 this morning. I wanted to be 143 by morning and I think I'm already under that. On track for Christmas!!!!

Wander: Your tattoos sound cool!!! You should post pics!! I wanted to do a tattoo right behind my right ear, was thinking some musical notation but I haven't decided. Dreads? That's too cool. I would give up my fauxhawk for dreads but I have no idea where to begin with them. I'd want the real ones, not the extensions.

Ink

I said I would a while ago, and here we go... me and my ink:

My first tattoo I got when I was 17, a month away from 18. I was 'rebelling' or whatever that was, and went to a place where my friends had gone. I signed something saying I was 18 and off we went. I hated it, I felt sick, it hurt, I got dizzy, it took forever. Didn't take long for me to hate it as the colour faded and it looked like a stick on. Finally, a friend of mine convinced me to have it redone:

This is on my left upper arm. Kinda crooked looking coz I sat leaning forward (trying not to pass out) when they did it the first time so when it was redone/covered, they had to stick with the original black lines. This one represents me. Even though I was born and raised English, I identified with my Canadian side more. I 'burried' my English side, and while I acknowledged it, I wanted nothing to do with it. As time has gone by, my feelings have changed, but every day I'm grateful that I am Canadian, that I have the opportunity to live in this great country as it has definatly changed my life to be here.

Next up is my ink from Feb. I wanted stars, I've wanted them for a while. I didn't want black outlines, or just the standard. I wanted colours, but not red (too close to pink for my comfort!). So I wandered into a shop in town, asked if they could do it, and 30min later I had them finished. They are on my right wrist and there are a lot of meanings in this one. My favourite colour as a kid was blue, then green for many years. Went back to blue sometime around 15 or so. Blue is at the top as it's still my favourite colour, and blue and yellow make green. The stars aren't linear as I didn't want them linear. They look like Orions belt as I used to love stargazing and wanted to be an astronaut as a kid. Last and biggest meaning, they're my 'lucky stars' out of a song. The line is 'better thank your lucky stars.'

The last ink for this year I got in Oakland so that in itself has a ton of meaning. This is one I've wanted to do for years and years, ever since I got the other one. It's on my upper right arm and is potentially part of a sleeve somewhere in the future.... I know it's lame, everyone has Japanese symbols, but I didn't like the Chinese ones as much. The top one means blue (again, my favourite colour) and the bottom one is water, my 'element'. They don't mean blue water together, but for me it's a reminder of calm blue waters.

So more in the future? You betcha!!! I really want to do a ring one, but it needs to be very basic. Just a curled black line with a few dots of colour (probably blue). Thinking my right hand, finger next to the pinky. I want to do the Kerplunk flower too. Thinking on my upper back, just basic green and black. Mayble some brown shadowing for the flowerpot.

As cheesy as this sounds, I really want to get the heart-grenade too. I'm contemplating putting that on the left ankle and maybe including the hand part too. I want to put an English Rose and a Welsh Daffodill on my leg as that's my heritage, but I'd rather do that in England or Wales. I tried when I was there in May but I couldn't get an appointment.

I really really want to do a piece of music down my left arm, starting at the elbow and going to the wrist. It needs to be a piece that means a lot to me, and there's several candidates. There's one piece of classical music that I've learned on every instrument I've ever played. It's a very slow piece so I'm not sure if it will work well on my body. I also love several sections from the Planets Suite by Holst, Jupiter being my favourite. Classical music is emotionally driven, but the rock stuff I've also thought about is lyrically driven. There's 'I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies' which is the front runner... I would like to have some hyrogliphics from the Egyptian Book Of The Dead and am hoping to do it down my right forearm, as well as a symbol of friendship that me and a friend are thinking of getting. It's not as cheesy or silly as it sounds as we've been friends for 10 years this year and it's a symbol of the friendship, whether it ends or continues I will always be reminded of the good times. I was also contemplating taking stars, just a different style, from the wrist and wrapping them around my arm, all the way around the symbols.

So many plans!!!!

Today was a bust. I woke up at 140.4, which wasn't too bad. I wasn't happy, but content with that for now. I munched at work on Turtles a friend had brought, mini eggs that someone else had brought and the damn cookies that I brought. Then at 6pm one of the gals went to 5 guys and bought me a burger. I stuffed that damn thing in my mouth so fast, then went back and ate the fries dipped in mayo.

Ugh I felt so full and bloated. I'm 145.0 right now after my tea so I'm hoping for 144 by morning.

I've done my goals for next month. There's the usual 5: 1, 138lbs, 2, 137lbs, 3, 135lbs, 4, 133lbs and 5, 130lbs. Goal 5 is the unreachable one, but I have to have something extreme to reach for. Goal 3 is where I want to land. I've arranged it so despite my overeating today, if I hit 142 by Christmas Day and maintain there, I'm on track. Even if I only hit 138, that's still a loss at the weigh in of 2lbs (obviously not good enough though, I'd rather hit 5lbs which is very reasonable!)

By morning I've planned for 144. I have core and training and planning on a 6k run. By Friday morning I should be 143 no problem, maybe even lower. Tomorrow is planning on a back to basics diet. For breakfast a tea, take a yogurt. No oatmeal. For lunch, salad and yogurt. Once home, maybe a bit of cottage cheese (or take to work). Post workout veggies or salad. I'll have a cup a soup at work in case and I got rid of the turtles out of my locker so no snacking. Water the drink of the day, maybe a tea in the afternoon if I need a pickme up.

Tomorrow will be a good day :)

Officially Winter

So we gonna get cold again?

Winters are seriously screwed up here. 10 years ago we would get a massive dump of snow in September which would kick start Autumn (which took a week to get through) hover in the low teens (celcius) for the rest of September, then by Halloween we would have already dropped below -10C several times. November, we'd get a chilly snap down to -20 or so with plenty of snow, a few chinooks in there to keep things warm and slushy, then plummet for the solstice and Christmas. January, February would be brutally cold. I remember having my alarm clock wake me up with the weather report on and the gal cheerily announcing that it would be a high of -27C for the day, and only -35 right then. My sister and I would then trudge through the snow to get to the bus stop.

We've got snow on the ground, but it's mostly brown thanks to milder temperatures and the sanders. There's a ton of ice, you can see the roads glimmer, and the moment the sun drops the damp roads get gnarly. I'm hoping we get one more good dumping of snow for Christmas, then I can deal with January and February as it comes. Besides, if I move I can hit the ski hill up there if there's snow!!!

Today is the winter solstice, shortest day in the year. The eclipse last night was cool, but I didn't watch it all as I went to bed instead.

Today was also my 5 month weigh in.

I woke up at 140.2, did a ton of baking, running around etc, and before I hit the gym I was 139.7lbs. Ran for 28 minutes on 5.2mph and 1.5 avg incline. I'm getting there!!! Did the hour yoga (and she brought soap as Christmas gifts. I got vanilla, my fave :)) then onto the elliptical for 18 min before we started.

Shaun mentionned he'd seen a piece of paper saying I'd bought more hours so we booked me in for Thursday, and then I've got two next week booked. Jumped on the scale to and it said 142.5lbs. He's recorded it as a 2.5lbs loss from last time and calculated it out to 1.25lbs fat 1.25lbs muscle. I really got him when he measured my waist though as it came in as a 1.5" loss so he was poking fun at me for 'not eating' today. I of course denied it, and I had eaten. I'd had a salad, some of my baking, and a few dry cheerios. I lost nothing on my hips (fuck.... that's where all the fat is now) almost nothing every where else except my calf (which is good coz they're fucking huge still).

When he wrote down my current weight he sounded suprised that I'd lost again and was joking around about 'do we have a problem'. I laughed, but I was too pissed off at the 2.5 loss to really put much heart into it. Don't think he thought anything more about it though. He said that over the holidays he'd expect me to gain that back, and if I could get back to what I am today by the end of January I'd be doing great.

I plan on being lower.

So it's chart and goal time again. I always do the 5 goals, and obviously my stupid 15lb loss is a bit too stupid to repeat. I'm also debating on doing a 5 week instead of 4 week this time, just as things are getting earlier and earlier and these weigh ins are feeling very constant. I know I said no more yesterday, but I'm thinking about the next one, just to get below 140 on his scale, see how he reacts.

Which means my minimum has to be 137 by either Jan 18th or 25th (thinking the 25th at this point). 130 may be too much of a goal as there is the issue of Christmas in there also, plus the unknown date of a potential move and suddenly my control over what I eat will go right out of the window.

I have to see what I am in the morning after my craziness tonight ( I ate a half a popcorn, half a bag of smarties, and almsot all of my friends chips and salsa tray at the movie tonight. Saw Voyage of the Dawn Treader and it was really good!!!!) and I may try to maintain that over Christmas, dropping for the next 3 days to cancel out the gain of the following 2. After that I will be so busy I should be able to skip meals at work altogether so I"m sure that will help!!!! Dinner at my friends on Jan 1st, and brunch with my sis at some point also.

Tomorrow I'm going to hook the bike up to the windtrainer and have a little work out at home before going to work. I work till 9pm so take salad and yogurt as usual, and maybe skip dinner or have some veggies when I get back.

Yuck, it's 1:30am already. I have to get to bed....

Wander, thanks :) Some days I just get so focused on a number and when I don't hit that number I just panic. Basically what my last few days have been..... I need to have it put in perspective every once in a while. Wasn't that long ago I was freaking out as I couldn't get below 146....

No Improvement

Well, maybe a bit. I went to bed at 143.1 and woke up at 140.9. Not where I wanted to be, but better than I could have been. I went to the gym, ran for 45 minutes, did a bunch of arms exercises, hit the bike for 10 min and then headed to work. Ate a total of 700 calories, no thanks to the last of the white chocolate in my locker and the cookie one of the gals gave me. I estimated 400 cals for that. Put me at a net of 227 for the day. I'm now at 141.5 which was a piss off.

If I can drop another 2lbs tonight and wake up at 138.9 or 139.4 I will be content, not happy, just meh. If I eat bare minimum all day and run my ass off, I should be able to drop that to 138.5. Still not where I wanted to be. I wanted to be below 140 on his scale, so add 3lbs as it has been in the past.

Tomorrow is going to be a tough day. I've got it all planned in my damn calendar. Plan is to get up at 8am, and start baking at 9am. I've got a lot to accomplish in order to head out to buy the work stuff by 11am. Then back to the house for more baking by 3pm and hit the gym by 530pm. I am hoping to get to the gym to buy more sessions tomorrow too and maybe squeeze in a session on the 23rd if he's free.

Maybe I'll even move my weigh in from tomorrow to the 23rd........

I can't think that. I have to keep it consistent!!! But damn it's a tempting thought.

Anyone see that eclipse tonight?

Blehck!!!!

I feel gross. I feel full. I am disgusting.

The morning started out well, even though I was tired. I had my tea, my half an oatmeal and made my salad and a yogurt for lunch. One of the guys did a coffee run, so I had a small black coffee, then I remembered that I had poppycock in my locker and I was done for.

I ate a bunch, then put a bunch in a bowl for staff. Then one of the guys who loves candy stopped by with a GIANT bag of licorice allsorts and some white chocolate with crumbled cookies in it. I ate a slab of that and a ton of the licorice. I finally forced myself to eat the salad so I had something healthy in me. Some more munching later and I went home. I did however get a bunch of stuff done at work.....

Headed out for dinner wearing all black, and met the family at the restaurant. Once upstairs and a quick glance at the menu and dumbass here suggests we share starters. The spinnach dip just looked too good to resist. Ordered salmon with the pineapple salsa and rice and ate the entire thing. Then followed up with a massive piece of chocolate cake that I probably ate at least half of.

Ugh..... I'm 142.5.

I want to be 137 by Tuesday at the weigh in. Last time I managed to drop 2lbs during the day, doubt that will happen this time, so I need to be 138 or 139 by Tuesday morning. That's 1.5 days to lose 3.5-4.5lbs.

I should be able to hit 141 by morning. and if I behave, I should be able to do 139 by Tuesday morning. If I can do that I have 3 more days to drop as low as possible before Christmas Day when I will probably eat a ton, and Boxing Day where I will eat just as much. Goal is not to go over 140, then drop quickly for the end of the month. If I get that call to move I would like to be at least 135... for now.

Which leads me to tomorrow.

I have a conference call but my boss and my email don't agree with each other. She (not my asshole of a boss, my regional manager, my old boss) says it's 11am, my email says noon. I ask her, she says 11am, I check my email and it says noon MST.... So which one do I go with? I emailed out to ask a few others but haven't heard back....

Do I want to go to spin class? I enjoyed it last time, but at 930 with a potential call at 11am, it kinda screws with my plans. I think I'm going to hit the gym by 8am, do a quick run, an hour of weights, then an hour of spin before hauling ass home. Sit on the call while having tea, then have a nap before heading off to work. Gives me 2-3hrs at the gym (and not much sleep tonight!) and not much food in the morning.

For food... I really want to not eat tomorrow, but I know that really isn't good for my metabolism. I will probalby have my half an oatmeal before going to work at 2 or so, then take salad, yogurt and canteloupe to work. Take a cup a soup also in case of munchies later. If I can get by on that and NO munching I should be good.

Fuck, what a day. I'm exhausted but I'm watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels and just laughed my ass off at the last episode. Gene was doing some sleep therapy thing and Shannon was taking drugs to sleep. She was getting up and eating during the night and didn't remember it at all. So funny!!! Finishing up my tea, hot water bottle on my back (it's sore from the gym yesterday...) and going to do some more reading.... Bed at some point.

Creepy Old Men

There was one definatly at the gym, and the other I know so it wasn't too bad.... The gym has merged with an only female gym that went under this weekend. I hate change (now, stop snorting all that coffee, it's not good for you. I know I posted yesterday about accepting a job and moving to another city, but I knew that was coming.... this one is a complete surprise) and resist it changing my life or routine. With this other gym closing they will be changing all the classes at my gym, and incorporating all these new members/trainers/teachers etc.

I like my gym the way it is. I like seeing the regulars, the same old staff that say hello to me, the same wierd chick that walks around with her belly sticking out (she's got a 6pack but don't think she trains properly.... it makes her walk wierd). Today there was more people and a bunch of chicks I didn't know. Anyways, I jump on a treadmill and the old guy next to me starts cracking about how my hair looks like I stuck my finger in an electrical socket... it does, that's the point. It wasn't styled in a fauxhawk this morning, wasn't much point. I just got out of bed to fall asleep on the couch for 2 hours, then to go run my ass of at the gym. Not gonna waste my time redoing my hair. Anyways, he starts asking me if I'm one of these 'new' women from the 'other' gym. I tell him know, and he's all super friendly. I turn up the pace on the treadmill after a few pleasantries, then get to the business of running (and I managed to shock the treadmill into resetting itself again. Fucker...)

I ran a bit longer, and Shaun was waiting. We ended up talking about this new merge, him being politically correct... good thing for the gym etc blah blah blah. He's not happy. I'm not happy. I don't tell him about what the wierd guys attitude was like, only that he was cracking about my hair. I end up telling Shaun about the move, but not the entire thing. I think I've got something all figured out for that anyways.

We go on our way, doing arms, chatting about baking, aprons and socks, and music. Creepy old guy goes to leave and approaches, pointing at my hair and laughing. Shaun gives me a funny look and then waves at the guy. This guy has barely left my line of sight before Mike comes up to say hi.

I've known Mike since I was about 16 and me and his youngest son rode mountain bikes with the local club. He's said hi a few times, we've chatted a few times, but I haven't seen him in about a month or so. He walks up to say hi again (I waved at him earlier) and starts going on about how slim I've gotten, how much weight I"ve lost. I try to make light of it but I babble a bit and eventually Mike goes away. Shaun looks at me kinda wierd then goes on to joke that I'm getting compliments from creepy old men today.

Soon as the day was done I gave him some of the tofu muffins and headed home. I really should have done some more cardio but I really didn't feel like it.

I was 139.3lbs this morning, and considering what I've eaten today, I'm suprised I'm 139.9 when I got home from job dos. I've probalby eaten around 1800 calories, at least 1000 of that from cheesy breadsticks and a piece of pepperoni pizza. There may have been a good helping of chocolate in there also.

Crazy night at work. Super busy but somewhere along the line I got screwed by about $40, maybe more. I'm not sure what happened, I may have dropped some cash (that would be the first time in 3 years if that was the case....) but I'm hoping they find it in the till tonight. I doubt it though.

It's 12:45am and I have to be at job numero uno by 8am... Plan for the day? Well, hope and pray I'm lower than 139.5 by morning (I'm sure I will be... I'm hoping for 138.9 or less). Eat my standard half an oatmeal and tea for breaky, with a salad and yogurt for work. Bail at some point to get a card for my Dad, then home to change and race to meet them all for dinner. For dinner, salmon and steamed veggies, rice if I must or salad. Share an appy if it's insisted upon, and skip desert. I may enjoy a glass of wine though.... I should be able to stick below 140 on that, and then go nuts on Monday at the gym, followed by as little food as possible, same on Tuesday (which is gonna suck as I plan on doing a SHIT ton of baking on Tuesday!)

Bed.... Now.....

Awesome As Fuck

What a brilliant title. I really hope they don't **** out the Fuck. That's if it stays the title and isn't just a working title.

Yup, that's the new name of the Green Day CD due out on March 15th. It's the live DVD/CD from the tour this past year. I'm sure they will definatly have at least one song from the Oakland show, but will they have one from Manchester? That would be truly fucking cool. The rumour is that the DVD is from a concert in Tokyo which sucks. Was hoping they'd take shots from the entire tour, or at least the North American bit... Guess I have to wait 3 months to find out!!!

That was of course a hightlight of the day.

The alarm clock worked this morning... mostly because I turned it off RADIO and on BUZZ!!!! Yeah, doesn't work too well when the radio signal is set to static noise. Got up and went to the chiro appointment, then off to work.

Had a visit today from the district manager and it was bizzare being the only one in during the morning. By the time he got here at 9am it was just me. The usual two weren't there so I was left to do the best I could, which of course I did. I chased him around to get an explaination about the email I got yesterday and we finally sat down.

I wanted to move. I wanted to relocate to the city 2hrs north of me, the city that I lived in for 3 years then had to move home. I am as far as I can get in this town of mine, I need to go to a city with multiple locations, run a big store, in order to get into head office and out of stores. I figured that with the new store opening in summer I'd move in March/April and have at least 3 more months here.

How things change.

Looks like one of the other managers of my level is sick and instead of taking care of himself, is just doing far too much whining and moaning. They've offered him help which he has refused, and now he's saying that the job is too much for him. They expect him to quit with no notice any day and they need a replacement for him.

Me.

It's flattering but that's a little crazy. I could be up there as soon as Dec 28th, or it could be into February. I've got it figured though. I'll stay with a friend, keep my place in town until I have a place secured with the cats up there. Come down on weekends (or whenever I get my 2 days off) and go to the gym on one of those days. I'll just make the appointments in advance and do 2-4 a month.

My head is still spinning. It's what I wand but at the same time I'm sad to be leaving. I also hate the not knowing.

The district manager did ask how I was doing, again asking about my weight and how much I've lost. I think this was a more 'you're looking great' than a 'I'm concerned'' inquiry though. At least that's the way it felt.

After he left I kinda relocated to the lunch room and proceeded to eat way too many Reese peanut butter balls, poppycock, and cookies (considering I HATE peanut butter!!!!) I was a bit distracted for the rest of the day and bailed to get to driving.

Driving was awesome. It was super busy and I got amazing tips. I did however eat too much. I enjoyed 2 pieces of small pizza, a bunch of mac and cheese, and some of the cinnamon buns Steve made. Came home and ate a bunch of chocolate... my lovely 138.1 is now a 140.0 (pre-tea). Not as bad as I thought, but still I want lower than 139 by morning.

If I can just get by with tea and have some kind of cereal around 10am or so (maybe later?) then something small post gym and NO Pizza tomorrow, I should be awesome. Eat on Sunday night and then go super light Monday and Tuesday. I won't hit 135, but I should be able to do 137. I really really want the damn gym scale to show 139 or less, so I need to be at least 2lbs lighter at home.

Enough of that...

Wander- I'm not moving to New York. Don't think I could handle it. I'd move to California in a heart beat though... I'm just hoping to visit but with todays news not sure I can.

Here's the receipe for the Tofu Chocolate Cakes/muffins.

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups unbleached all purpose flour (I used whole wheat flour)
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1Tbs baking powder
1tsp baking soda
2Tbs flaxseeds
1/2cup pitted dates, coaked in 1 cup hot water for 30 minutes.
6oz extra-firm Silken tofu (Silken is a brand. I used firm as I couldn't find extra firm)
1cup pure maple syrup or other natural liquid sweetener (honey or regular syrup etc)
1Tbs corn oil (canola oil)
1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
Frosting (optional)
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup raw cashews
6oz extra firm Silken tofu
1/4 cup pure maple syrup
1tsp vanilla extract.

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350C. If using a muffin tray, grease then sprinkle flour on shaking out excess flour.
2. In large bowl, mix flour, cocoa, baking powder and baking soda.
3. In a food processer (blender works too) grind flaxseeds to fine powder. Add 1/2cup water and process/blend until thick and frothy (about 30 or so seconds). Add dates and their soaking liquid, tofu, syrup, oil and vanilla, process until smooth. Transfer to large bowl.
4. Stir dry ingredients into wet ingredients, blending until smooth (whole wheat flour won't be completely smooth). Either spoon into muffin pan, muffin papers or into cake tins.
5. Bake until cakes spring back when lightly pressed. 20-25 minutes for cakes. I cooked small muffins for 20 minutes and it burned the bottoms. Regular muffins were fine at 20 minutes. Cool cakes in pans on wire rack for 10 minutes when done cooking. If making as a cake, remove cake tin after 10 mintes and allow to cool completely.
6. Make frosting. In top of a double boiler (or saucepan with boiling water and a glass bowl on top) melt chocolate, stirring until smooth. Set aside.
7. In a food processer/blender, finely grind cashews. Add 1/3 cup of water and blend until smooth. Add tofu, maple syrup and vanilla, process until smooth. Add melted chocolate and process. Transfer to medium bowl and refrigerate until chilled.
8. Frost cake/muffins as you chose.

ENTIRE MIXTURE AND FROSTING:
3828 cals (if you make 36 muffins, it's 100 cals/muffin, with frosting).
84g protein (36 muffins, 2.33geach)
120g fat (3.33g/muffin)
660g carbs (18.33g/muffin)

I made mine with no frosting (due to nut allergies at work, and they tasted just fine) and with whole wheat flour. I fed them to the guys at work and they had no idea it was made from Tofu. Lose the frosting and it's lower cals, but probalby only 20-30cals/muffin?

Tofu, poetry and suspense....

I swear my alarm clock has stopped going off.... I have the phone set with the sleep app, and an alarm but I don't remember the alarm going off... it's my backup so I only got up 10 min late and still had plenty of time. Just annoying.

Got to work on time, worked, got a ton of stuff dealt with, but not very much all in one go. I ended up leaving for 2 hours to plan and order all the Boxing Day stuff and I'm happy that that is done now. During the morning meeting we were joking around with the Twelve Days of Christmas song so I decided to write one for work. Took me only a few minutes but I had fun, and emailed it off to my boss for a laugh. Yeah, he sent it out to EVERYONE but didn't tell me. I'm quite nicely embarrassed now...

There was lots happening in emails today!!! I've decided to go ahead and plan for New York and fired off an email to my boss and the district boss to find out if I should book off the 3rd or 4th week in February as year end is at the end and I don't want to interfere with anything. He emailed back with a comment that we'll discuss tomorrow... Now I'm killing myself in anticipation. Does this mean they want me to move by then? If so I'm all there, but damn thats sad at the same time. I was hoping to at least make it through March, get past my birthday. Also, that gives me 3 more months with Shaun. If I leave mid Feb then I only need to buy 24 sessions and only have 2 more months with him. I knew it would happen, but I'm kinda used to him now.

No use wondering, just wait till tomorrow.

Hit the gym and ran for 45min. About 30min in and I touched the heart rate hand holds and got a static shock that turned off the treadmill. It's happened once before and it's a pain. Shaun decided to stick his head in front of me to say hi, and a thanks for the cookies. I gasped some reply. Hit core after and it was just me, the instructor and the one other gal (Brenda?) Good class, worked hard, felt those abs burn. Went straight home after.

Started baking right after I downed some steamed veggies. Made the tofu chocolate cake but made it in muffins instead. Should have reduced the cooking time but OMG they are AMAZING!!! I had to have one to try (and the small ones have burned bottoms) then I had to eat one of the larger ones to test as I'm giving those to the visiting boss, and Shaun. They were fine (and delicious!) Then I made ginger cookies and had to sample one from each batch....

Blech, I ate too much!!!

I was 138.2 this morning, and I'm hoping for under 139 tomorrow. Chiro in the morning with the update/checkup then work, followed by work #2. Stick to the plan from yesterday. Eat during work and mostly salad or soup if we get dragged out. Have tea, vitamin water for driving along with some cheerios if needed and the apple sliced up. Hopefully it's busy. It'll be bloody cold though. -15C I think tomorrow.

Today has been pretty damn good. I've stayed upbeat and despite the stupid munching on licorice, chocolate and goodies at home, I feel ok. The instructor for core asked me if I'd lost a lot of weight and said she could tell. I'm curious as to why there's all this attention now...

Wander, you are so right. It is totally an obsession with a number. I think I'll look better at 140, but I didn't. So it's 135 that'll be the perfect number.... and so on. I've started eating around people. I mean, not much, but I had some licorice in the lunch room, and ate my salad while chatting with my boss. This way they can say they see me eat. Thank you for the encouragement. My focus on the 135 magic number has diminished somewhat and I now want to focus on just losing, and hitting that magic number by the end of December.

You Really Are Quite Small

That's what my friend said to me earlier today. I thrilled to hear it, but the rest of the conversation wasn't cool.

I got up just before 9am, later than I wanted but still on time for work. Chilled out with half a serving of Cheerios and a cup of tea. When I got to work I wasn't quite awake, had a headache but felt ready to work. Within about 15min I ran into Jen, one of the gals that I work with.

We're friends, but more like work friends. We've hung out before, we did similar music, love live music, skiing etc. She's cool. She's also someone I've talked to before when I need to. I know that she won't say anything and will give me her honeset opinion. Also the shop is soundproof so it's an awesome place to talk. She talks back sometimes, if she feels like it. We're both 'witholders' as she said earlier today. We both like to deal with shit and not talk to anyone about it.

So she totally saw that I was witholding something today, and that something was buggging me and we stepped into her 'office'. We started shooting the shit, how was your weekend, the usual bullshit before she bluntly asked what's up.

I can't even remember what I said, or what exactly was said. Something about me being just below my target weight. She responded with 'you really are quite small.' That thrilled me to hear it. Am I? Really? Coz I don't think I look that small. She said that she's been thinking about it and wanted to say something as she's been kinda worried the past few days. She said that others have been worried too, but when I tried to get specifics she didn't give me anything that others have said, or who had been asking. She pointed out that my pants are huge (they are... I never bothered getting new ones for work and they're the same pants I wore when I was 190lbs. I hate these stupid work pants and I just wanted to keep wearing them till they change the uniforms.). She asked if I'm eating healthy. I am, just not enough. She got that out of me too.

She claims I'm 'textbook' and I should get it taken care of. Yeah, ok, so my head is a bit fucked. I know that. That's why I'm so damn focused on getting to that next goal. I'm not what she thinks I am, not clinically. I told her that I just have to get through the holiday season, then I'll deal with it.

Yeah, I deal with the weight gain that will happen over the holidays. By then she should have forgotten our conversation and I can continue on my path.

I'm pre-occupied in thought all day long. All I can think about is getting to 135. I don't think it's going to happen, despite being 139.1 this morning. I don't think I can get lower than that by the morning. I'm going to the gym tomorrow but there's no yoga, only core so I'll run, do core, do some weights (probably do a leg workout) then bike or eliptical. If I can keep the eating the same as today, then have veggies for dinner I should be able to get to 138 by Friday morning. Friday we're getting another district visit that we found out about today, so that will unfortunatly mean a lunch somewhere. I'll have a salad and soup if I have to. Rather just have a salad though. Try and do only liquids while driving, with a chopped up apple for a snack, then nothing for dinner. Eat enough to survive the workout on Saturday and then nothing again that evening. Sunday, work and salad, then dinner for Dad. If I can handle that, I should be able to at least maintain, but I really want that 139.

This is what's fucked up. All I can think of is the next day. The plans. What when and how much I can and will eat. It's what I think about, what I blog about.

I may be 'quite small' but I want to be smaller. I can be smaller. I will be smaller....

iPhones and Harry Potter (no spoilers!!!)

My phone is pissing me off.... It kinda sorta half assed connected this morning and that was it. I can get phone calls and texts but the internet doesn't work so half the apps won't work. It's very touchy and would update the facebook but not the twitter, I could get onto PT but not my blog.... I left it for most of the day (stupidly not closing all the apps so all it did was try to connect all day) thinking that when I got home I'd check iTunes for an update as that fixed the problem last time.

There's no update.

Instead I turned the damn thing off, then on, and lo and behold it works.

Why the fuck didn't I think of that earlier.

Work was work. It sucked and it didn't. I hate Tuesdays as it's meetings all day and today it was even earlier at 9am going from one meeting to another until 5 when I left. However, we've got a lot of the planning done, now it's just executing those plans. Christmas is coming very very quickly and there's 11 days left until Boxing Day...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Hit the gym after and once I got on a treadmill (it was BUSY!!!!) ran for 25 min before hitting yoga. Today I had no balance and really didn't push myself. I was just so damn tired. I couldn't focus, go right to that place my mind needs to be. Instead it was focusing on the right ribcage where it hurts. I don't know if it's the rib or a tendon but I've done something and I can feel it when I breathe deeply or stretch tall. Eliptical afterwards for min then training with Shaun who was late.

Arms and chest today and we started with the pushups. I could feel it badly in my back for the first two sets and after stretching that went away. Doing the chest ones he figured out that once again I'm using my back and abs to compensate and make things easier for myself so we're going to have to change how I'm doing the exercises to avoid that. By the time we hit the one whereI use what I think he called the Olympic bar and do the shrugs I think he figured out something was wrong. I was just so tired, my head hurt (still does) I couldn't focus and all I was thinking about was what my weight could be. I lied, he joked and asked if I was lying, I told him no. Gave him the ginger cookies before heading home.

Up to that point I'd been really good. I'd had the usual half oatmeal and tea for breaky, salad, 2 yogurts and a banana for lunch (plus 3 m&m peanuts and 1 gummy worm) with plenty of water. Got home, showered, and headed to the theater where I planned on eating and drinking nothing but the water I brought with me.

1 Large diet Coke and half a popcorn later....

I was 139.8lbs on the scale when I got back, not bad considering it could have been much worse. I'm curious to know what it will be in the morning. 139.2 or lower would be preferable, 138.5 or lower would be fantastic and right back on track!!! I should be able to hit 135 by Sunday morning as long as I don't do anything stupid. I would prefer to be 133 so as to give myself that buffer for Sunday night.

Harry Potter.... well, I remember when the first movie came out and I told my friend I had no interest. I didn't see the movie and that Christmas my step-mom bought me the first 3 books. I started the first one a bit skeptical that I was reading a childs book. Within a few pages I was right in Harry's world. I loved every bit of it. I read all 3 books in record time and when the second movie came out I went to see it (after seeing the first one finally). For once I was happy that the movie was fairly close to the book, but that changed by book 3. The book itself was more detailed and had more action in it, but more backstory than the previous ones. The movie for me was a real let down as I thought they could have done a lot more with it.

I continued to devour the books, but became more frustrated with the next movie as it left out so much of the book. The last 2 I didn't even bother seeing in theaters as I figured they would be just as bad, and they were. I was very nervous about seeing this movie.

They did a really good job. So far they've stayed very close to the books and ended part 1 in an appropriate spot. I'm now eagerly awaiting the next and final installment, and I will not give into the urge to go read all the books again as I have so many others that require my attention first.

Started Lying In Weight and so far its interesting but I'm still in the introduction. Heading to bed and will try to read a few pages first.

My Own Fault

I have no one to blame but myself. I ate too much last night (139.5 this morning) and should have gone right back to my restricting and controling. I fully planned on it!!! I woke up late and felt horribly groggy, having tea and half a yogurt before heading out. After checking on the cats one last time I hit the gym and got there just in time for the class to start.

I've seen the spin classes in action before but never really paid attention. It was ok, you get to chose your own tension etc, and I did work hard. Some of the women in there were dripping sweat. I was a little damp, a bit worse than running but nothing like these gals. The woman next to me was my trainers wife and in front of me, his ex-girlfriend (yeah... I feel so sorry for him as they've become really good friends.). The other women were mostly 25-35 or so years old, absolutly perfect. They were slim/skinny, very well toned, and said not a word to me or the other new gal (who was larger than I, meaning I was the second fattest there). Need thinspo? Do that class! After we killed ourselves for 45 min we headed into the classroom for 15 min of core. Wasn't bad.... Could have done without those perfect women doing all the chit chatting and irritating the instructor. I managed a few exercises upstairs before heading home.

Damn I was tired. Wobbly legs was the least of it. My throat hurt, my eyes hurt, my head hurt, and I just felt exhausted. Showered and chilled a bit at home, making chocolates and getting lunch ready.

Bad idea. I ended up picking at the chocolate, then having a few cookies, and some more chocolate and a few more cookies....

Overall today I've had sooooo much chocolate and cookies. I've eaten that half a yogurt, scrambled eggs and my salad, the rest was shit food. If I can be under 140 tomorrow it'll be a bloody miracle, if I'm over, it's my own damn fault.

Tomorrow is Tuesday, glorious tuesday. I hate working tuesdays as I'm in meetings and get shit all done, but it's yoga and training so I can burn so much off. I'm desperatly hoping that this mini binge will kick start another loss. I managed to drop just over 5lbs. If I can restrict and stick to it I should be 135 by Saturday morning. 5lbs in 5 days.... I should be able to do that.

I need sleep. I need rest. I need to stop being so exhausted.

13 days to go....

Almost sucessful

This weekend that is. I was 137.2 this morning, an amazing number that I'm shocked to have hit. I'm 140.3 right now.

I woke up early after a few hours of sleep, feeling groggy but awake. Downed a tea as I drove to my friends house to check on her cats and didn't set off the alarm this time! Once home, showered and left for shopping. I bought the candy moulds, a pipette kit at the mall before hitting Walmart and Safeway for various food items and other things. I think I'm pretty much done Christmas shopping though. Just the two diabetics to buy for but I'm not exactly sure what they can and can not have.

I had Wheatabix and half a yogurt, before having a bunch of the chocolate wafers that I bought but still, I figured it was all ok in the long run. Once home I did some laundry, cleaned the kitchen and made ginger cookies.

OMG they're amazing!!! I made them with splenda and according to the website they're supposed to be 60 cals each but mine are pretty tiny so I'm guessing 50 cals MAX. I got the receipe of a site for diabetic treats but am confused. I thought diabetics couldn't have sugar, hence the splenda (that looks like insulation flakes in a big giant bag!!!) but I had to put a ton of molasses in... isn't that pure liquid sugar? Anyways, I was also surprised to find out that there was ground cloves in ginger cookies, and I LOVE the smell of cloves. mmmmmm..... Super easy to make, and so delicious right out of the oven. I ate 3 of the smallest I could find, mostly because they don't turn brown as they're already brown and I didn't believe they were done. Well that was the excuse for the first batch. I have a plate for Shaun, one for Yvette and hubby, and one for the guys at work. I didn't make the chocolates, just not enough time or I think my willpower would have been pushed beyond it's limit.

Grabbed the recycling and headed out. Met Sheri and we went price hunting for the 26th for work but couldn't get much done. We've pretty much got it figured out, just got to go ahead and do it. Headed to the diner for the meeting and I figured I'd start off by ordering a salad so at least I had something in my stomach, and it was vegies. Just a side garden salad, and then we ordered a bunch of things for the group. I pigged out. I ate at least 3 mozza sitcks, a bunch of onion rings and a ton of nachos covered in cheese. I was at around 300 cals before that, and I definatly ate at least 1000. Not quite the worst binge ever, or even a bad one, but I didn't want to do it. Got home and 140.3 on the scale. Hope I'm lower than that in the morning!!!

I have 8 days left until the weigh in. 8 days to get to the ellusive 135. In that time I have a movie with a friend (finally going to see Harry Potter....) and my Dad's birthday dinner. I should, with any luck, be able to hit 135 by Friday. I was supposed to be 136.9 tomorrow but I think I should hope to be in the 139's. I should be back on track by Tuesday or Wednesday and if anything this little overeating should help the metabolism again. *knock on wood*

I was going to get up at 8am tomorrow but I just remembered I have to check on the cats. Spin starts at 9:30am so I'd like to be there by 9:15 at the latest. Not sure getting up at 8am gives me enough time to have tea, eat something (only small, maybe a yogurt), check on the cats and then get to the gym. Maybe I'll try for 7:30... yuck, and I have to work till 11pm. Gonna be a long one!!!

Tonight, finish my tea and watch the new updated Behind The Music on Green Day :)

Wander- I will let you know about the tofu chocolate cake. My Dad made it a few years ago and didn't tell us until we finished raving about how good it was. I've always loved tofu so I thought this was amazing. I may make it next week/weekend so I'll definatly let you know. Also, the energy thing. All natural. I barely drink coffee and don't have pop. I get my caffeine from tea but that's my before bed drink. 50lbs heavier I remember being exhausted all the time so I think that's got a lot to do with it. I used to get home from work and nap, then go out and buy fast food for dinner so that also wouldn't have helped. I eat fresh food where possible, and lots of water. I'm used to being always on the go now, I barely watch TV anymore, I'm constantly doing something. It's as though I'm scared that if I stop I'll start gaining again.