Pig, part 2

Oh fuck I can't believe how fat I feel. When I woke up this morning I didn't want to put my dress pants on. When I put them on Saturday morning I felt so insanely happy as they were loose and baggy around my legs and waist. They were still loose, but not as much.

I ate lots again too. Not as much as yesterday, but I think perhaps more sweet stuff. I drove home and wanted to sing carols as I did so but instead got to sing more Green Day, Alanis, etc. Once back in town a friend invited me to her works Christmas party. I went coz I worked at the same company a few years ago and know some of the people that work there but I was shocked. Some are really old, some are young, and most are so fat. I mean huge fat. Like hanging out of all their clothes, obese, labouring to breathe, and eating plates and plates of food. The room we were in felt stifling, I kept smelling bad odors, I couldn't bear to sit down. I felt claustrophobic. I was disgusted. I felt terrible about it as not too long ago I was right in there with them. I was never that big, but I felt like I was looking down on them all today and I didn't like that feeling.

I'm not better than any of them. I know that. But my head was saying that at least I wasn't that fat. At least I had some control. But do I? I've eaten more this weekend that I did all last week and I'm boasting about control?

I was 140., The lowest I've been in years. The next lowest weight I can remember is 136. Then it's 129 and I haven't been that weight since I was 13 or 14.... It's been a long time. I should be happy with 140.

But I'm not.

Tomorrow it's back to basics again. I've got no excuses for another 2 weeks until my Dad's birthday. I've got 14 days to drop to 135 and then have one treat night before the weigh in. I want to start the new year hovering around the weight I haven't been for half my life. By the time I get that promotion I want to be 120 or less.

Wake up, hit the gym for a 2 hr workout. Home, shower, and work. Open late tomorrow so smaller opportunity for me to eat when I get home. Plan is for my half oatmeal, tea, salad, yogurt, and soup. Sub 500, or less if I can handle it, but no sugar. My poor overloaded system needs a break.

I was 144.8 when I got home. I should be 143.5 or less tomorrow morning. Hope for 142.0 by Tuesday and by Friday, sub 140 again.

I've joind the Mission December group on PrettyThin and I love it. I love seeing what other people have written and love the support everyone gives each other. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one failing some times.

Wander, I wondered about the pictures on PT!!! I thought it looked familiar and when you put that post up it seriously felt like we'd just walked into a room and recognized each other. Almost like a cyber hug ( in a non creepy way!!!). Thanks!!! I really needed that today :)