Sucess and Failiure

Managed a glorious 141.9lbs this morning, much better than what I hoped for. I'm over my goals, but not by much, only over by 0.6 for goal 5.

Work today was ok. We were not as busy as we were last year on returns day 1, but with the systems very slow things got a tiny bit backed up dealing with customers, and majorly backed up dealing with product. When I left there was a mountain of stuff that was awaiting an audit.

I yelled at a few people, and people were pissing me off. Sheri wanted to do just the auditing, while I needed her to do what I was doing so I could get on a computer and fix all the inventory fuck ups from the last few days. She pansied around it for a bit and I got pretty frustrated and yelled at Gary about it. I barely saw him all day, he didn't even say goodbye when he left but I should be used to that by now.

I hate that I'm becomming a time card puncher. I leave when my shift is done, not when my stuff is done. I still care about what I do, I like most of the people I work with, I'm just getting more frustrated. Every time Gary tells me 'good job' it's never a spur of the moment thing, it's always some bullshit timing. Something like when we had our bonus buydown and he gave me a bunch of compliments. I'm sure he had to do that as per HR and it always seems so forced, like he's expected to do it at that point, and always with an audience. I much rather prefer the thank you's or good jobs I get in emails, or a clap on the back from the district team. I know that's spur of the moment and genuine. Otherwise why bother doing it?

What got me onto that? Well, he's done nothing but bitch about how things have gone. Christmas Eve wasn't set up properly (No shit, we didn't have enough people and we told you that!!!), Boxing Day was not as good as we wanted it (Sunday in an area of the country where a vast majority of our population belongs to a religion that will not spend on a Sunday...), resetting the store last night didn't get done properly (again, no staff scheduled, and we were all VERY tired from the 12hr minimum shift the day previous) and today things weren't just as he wanted them. How can he possibly say good job and then bitch about what me and my team are doing wrong.

I miss my old boss.

I ended up spending too much time in the lunch room and in the process ate way too much. I started with a few peanuts, then a chocolate ball, then a mini donut, and a half a bowl of dry cereal... which progressed to half a sandwich, more cookies, cereal, chocolate, licorrice.... Yeah, I felt like shit pretty quickly.

By the time I got to the gym I was dying of thirst and later than I wanted to be so I managed 20 min on the treadmill before training began. Arm day 2 and we did change it up a tiny bit, just doing some of the exercises first instead of last.

It was a wierd session, bad but good. Some shit's going on in Shauns life which sucks, but I'm glad he feels like he can talk to me. It's my curse, to be the friend, the one who listens to the problems of others with a sympathetic ear. I truly do care about my friends but I felt like shit coz I wasn't sure how to respond. We ended up talking about how he got into personal training and that was interesting. It really is an example of someone doing what they love to do, and what fascinates them.

I'm a tad jealous.

Tomorrow is a mid shift, so no time to hit the gym (probably a good thing seeing as I've done something to my knee....) before or after work. Thinking of doing another fast, actually beyond thinking, just going ahead and doing. I'll get up early enough to jump on the bike at home for a bit (9am or earlier) and do some work on the fit ball/yoga. See if I can hit an hour, then get ready for work. Morning will be water, and tea. Once at work, water, vitamin water, and my leftover berry juice will be the items of the day, as well as staying the fuck out of the lunch room. For dinner I have the leftover tomato soup (yeah, not technically 'allowed' on a liquid fast but whatever, I don't have to chew it and it's 80 cals)

Hoping I can get 141.5 or lower by morning, and then 140 by Thursday morning. Not sure I can thanks to my stupid pigging out today but we'll see.

Fuck I'm back into only thinking/blogging about my damn food intake, gym time and weight. Even today Shaun was bugging me about gaining weight over Christmas. I told him I did gain a bit, but have lost most of it. He immediatly made some comment about eating disorders which I of course laughed off. He went on to joke about not eating for 3 days to drop the weight. It's making me feel a bit panicked. I have so much more to lose!!! I can not be 'called out' now, especially as while I do have food/weight issues, I want to actually feel like I've accomplished 'slim' before someone kicks up a fuss. I'm still thinking 120 would be a nice goal but I'm wondering if I can hit 115.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.... this is a fucked up mind I live in. A delusion.

And I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE IT!!!!!