You Really Are Quite Small

That's what my friend said to me earlier today. I thrilled to hear it, but the rest of the conversation wasn't cool.

I got up just before 9am, later than I wanted but still on time for work. Chilled out with half a serving of Cheerios and a cup of tea. When I got to work I wasn't quite awake, had a headache but felt ready to work. Within about 15min I ran into Jen, one of the gals that I work with.

We're friends, but more like work friends. We've hung out before, we did similar music, love live music, skiing etc. She's cool. She's also someone I've talked to before when I need to. I know that she won't say anything and will give me her honeset opinion. Also the shop is soundproof so it's an awesome place to talk. She talks back sometimes, if she feels like it. We're both 'witholders' as she said earlier today. We both like to deal with shit and not talk to anyone about it.

So she totally saw that I was witholding something today, and that something was buggging me and we stepped into her 'office'. We started shooting the shit, how was your weekend, the usual bullshit before she bluntly asked what's up.

I can't even remember what I said, or what exactly was said. Something about me being just below my target weight. She responded with 'you really are quite small.' That thrilled me to hear it. Am I? Really? Coz I don't think I look that small. She said that she's been thinking about it and wanted to say something as she's been kinda worried the past few days. She said that others have been worried too, but when I tried to get specifics she didn't give me anything that others have said, or who had been asking. She pointed out that my pants are huge (they are... I never bothered getting new ones for work and they're the same pants I wore when I was 190lbs. I hate these stupid work pants and I just wanted to keep wearing them till they change the uniforms.). She asked if I'm eating healthy. I am, just not enough. She got that out of me too.

She claims I'm 'textbook' and I should get it taken care of. Yeah, ok, so my head is a bit fucked. I know that. That's why I'm so damn focused on getting to that next goal. I'm not what she thinks I am, not clinically. I told her that I just have to get through the holiday season, then I'll deal with it.

Yeah, I deal with the weight gain that will happen over the holidays. By then she should have forgotten our conversation and I can continue on my path.

I'm pre-occupied in thought all day long. All I can think about is getting to 135. I don't think it's going to happen, despite being 139.1 this morning. I don't think I can get lower than that by the morning. I'm going to the gym tomorrow but there's no yoga, only core so I'll run, do core, do some weights (probably do a leg workout) then bike or eliptical. If I can keep the eating the same as today, then have veggies for dinner I should be able to get to 138 by Friday morning. Friday we're getting another district visit that we found out about today, so that will unfortunatly mean a lunch somewhere. I'll have a salad and soup if I have to. Rather just have a salad though. Try and do only liquids while driving, with a chopped up apple for a snack, then nothing for dinner. Eat enough to survive the workout on Saturday and then nothing again that evening. Sunday, work and salad, then dinner for Dad. If I can handle that, I should be able to at least maintain, but I really want that 139.

This is what's fucked up. All I can think of is the next day. The plans. What when and how much I can and will eat. It's what I think about, what I blog about.

I may be 'quite small' but I want to be smaller. I can be smaller. I will be smaller....