Stayed in bed until almost 9am, then when I checked outside I could see the Chinook arch hovering in the distance and the wind starting to get a bit blustery, so I cancelled my morning ride. I shouldn't have done that....

Instead of doing anything, I drank tea and worked on the apron. Cleaned the house, had my hair done, then went to work, all with around 150cals and no solids. Didn't get very far.... Screw up meant that I ended up eating a piece of pepperoni pizza and I felt terrible after that. Didn't stop me from eating some candy one of the customers gave me though. Once home I downed a bunch of water then ate jello, popcorn, a rice cake and 4 chips with salsa... yay, way to go me.. Way to fuck this up again.

Last time I looked at the scale I was 145.8.....

Tomorrow's weight goal I have to merely sustain until next Tuesday. It's 143.5lbs. I'm hoping that by the morning I will be at least that amount, and if not, then Tuesday morning I will be.

I can't even express how stressed out I am that I will not have my scale for 3 days and can not control what I eat, where I eat it, or how much exercise I can get.

Maintain... that's all I ask.

144.6lbs this morning!!! Ate oatmeal, and had tea then off to chiro. Swung by the craft store to grab some supplies, then to work briefly. Headed to the gym where I ran for 26min (legs were tired!) then had leg day... Changed some things up and I'm gonna hurt tomorrow! More focus on abs as almost every session we've done more ab work. Elliptical for 25min after that and my left hip joint was complaining loudly.

Driving was busy!!! I took a 'treat' with me of coffee and had some water. However, I did give into temptation and ordered a p'zone. I ate half then came home and indulged in half of the last half. I'm hoping it will move quickly through tomorrow!!!

Plan for tomorrow is to get up early, go for a bike ride. 90min will burn off my binge tonight. Then got 'D' heading over at noon to do my hair so until then, clean house, do laundry and finish the apron. Once my hair is done, then get ready to drive starting at 4pm. I need to go get a new pj's top for Vancouver, something that fits properly. To eat? Well, I'm thinking nothing as far as I can handle it. Tea and water in the morning, maybe something like cottage cheese or rice cakes before driving, NO PIZZA!!!!, and then soup for dinner. I can't really buy salad mix coz I won't be able to eat it all (maybe a premade salad? Very high in calories though...) so the other half of the soup would be lunch on Monday, with a very light dinner after training.

Numbers: First day to count, and I'm below all targets. I should have no problem beating them all tomorrow also, which should put me in a good place to at the very minimum maintain while I'm gone. If I could only get to 140.0 by Monday and hold there for the week it will make life much easier.

That's it for another 3-4months!!! Closed books today and another count is behind me. Now perhaps I can go back to my normal routines and drop the pounds again. Oh, wait, nevermind, this next week will go fucking nuts again!!!! Vancouver will be awesome though. I figure if I can just push the yucky scrambled eggs around my plate and either much on cherios or oatmeal for breakfast, then have only salad at lunch, and as light a dinner as I can handle (veggies only?) plus the website has a pic of the gym and it looks pretty decent. Hit the elliptical for an hour either in the morning or before bed, if I can do that at least twice then I'll be golden. I can at the minimum maintain, and I won't have a scale so I'm sure I'll be crazy paranoid also. Plus ms 'J' will give me inspiration to not eat if she looks the same... Thank goodness I'm not sharing a room with her!!!

146.8lbs this morning, so almost back on track. Today was the last day to sit at 146, tomorrow the toughest goal has me at 145.1lbs. I've managed farily well on the low food today. I screwed up on eating 3 wontons (sooo gooood) and having some chips and candy. However, the candy drawer got removed today so there's no more temptation for me. Not quite only liquids as I did have some 4 chips and salsa and a multigrain rice cake with my soup for dinner, but I did reasonably well considering it's the first time I've really tried to cut back since this past weekend. Without the candy, chips and wontons I definatly would have had a day under 500 cals.

Hit the gym around 630 and ran for 30 min with 2 2min walking sessions. Did some light arms (triceps - kickbacks and the ones on my back, those shoulder ones, and biceps) and abs (2 sets of 20, one set of 25 all with the half ball) then back on the elliptical for 20 min.

Got home tired and ready to do some sewing but got into the TV instead. I'm hoping to get 7hrs sleep tonight... first in a week!!! Tomorrow is busy!! Supposed to go flying, and if I do I"ll have to blow off chiro, then I need to pick up some stuff from Michaels, then training at 2pm (gym at around 1pm), so some more cardio after and driving at 5pm.

Food plan? Well, tea for breakfast and we'll see how the stomach feels. I really should eat something so I don't pass out during training, but I'll have to eat by 11am and I'm not sure what I should eat. Maybe a salad and cottage cheese, depending on how the salad looks... Or I'm thinking some oatmeal instead as it's supposed to stick around a bit longer. Plan is to eat nothing tomorrow night, just fluids.

Doc appt today. He asked me many times over about if I was restricting my diet., Kinda freaked me out. He told me my blood pressure was normal, but I don't know what that is. I had to have a blood and urine test for potassium, magnesium, calcium, thyroid hormone, CBC and some other stuff. I'm a little stressed that it will show something as i've been pretty restricitive for 3 months. I wasn't expecting that, but at least I know I'm healthy now. Will I still be as healthy at 135? I'm sure I will....

Wasn't too bad today. I feel lighter, I feel emptier. No breakfast, just tea but I asked one of the boys to bring me some soup when they went for lunch. Got one of those campbells microwavable bowls and ate all the broth and some of the veggies and pasta. However, ended up eating some of the chips and then onto the candy. I was far more restrained than I have been in the past few days, but I need to cut out the sugar.

Chiro then the gym after a quick chat with 'J'. Me and her had a chat yesterday and she now knows that I'm doing some unhealthy things to drop my weight so she is now asking about what I eat daily. I won't see her for another week at least so I'll just avoid her until she's forgotten about it.

Gym, ran for a bit, then into Yoga. I was very tired, kept yawning and we did power yoga. I couldn't do the headstand as my head hurt when I tried to rest my weight on it. I have to try at home against a wall for balance. I almost fell asleep during the relaxation session as I was just that comfortable. I almost didn't hear her say we were done!!! On the way out 'S' stopped me and joked about me being a zombie. I joked that it would be nice to have more than 4 hrs of sleep before hitting the bathroom. Shit I was white!! I had a black shirt on so it probalby enhanced it, but I was a little taken aback. Did some quads and light arms. It was busy and I was tired. Wanted to get home.... Tomorrow I'll head there again, but not sure on what time. at 6-7 it was really quite busy, but I don't want to go too late. I think I'll see what time I can get out of work tomorrow. Hoping for around 4pm and I'll be out by 6 or so.

Hit a new high today... 148.0 after being 149.5 the night before. Right now I'm 148.5 so I'm hoping I can drop at least 1lb overnight. That will put me at 1lb over where I should be Saturday morning. I have to be 147.0 or less otherwise I'm not going to make it!

Less than 800cals with about 500 burned.... I think it was somewhere around 200 net. Tomorrow I'm going to have tea, take yogurt and salad (with the salmon coz that was amazing today!!!) with water of course. Possibly a rice cake and I've got the oatmeal there if I need it. Got the soup for the evening, but I'd prefer to do an almost fast day. That combined with the gym and then go for a liquid only day on Saturday.... see if I can make it through all of Sunday too? That would be awesome and definatly drop me below target.

I just want my schedule back, my routine back. It'll get easier in another week.

Day 1 of the newest plan. Goal was 146.0 and I was 145.7lbs. Not bad for the first day, but that will be it for a few days I think. Started with oatmeal and tea, but by the time I got to work had already progressed to granola bar and candy. Had the pizza, mac and cheese, breadsticks and cinaparts for lunch, then dinner at 'S's with chicken pot pie, veggies and a trip to get cake and chocolate. I couldn't even finish the piece this time, felt sick and too full. Ate the chocolate when I got home but I think I'm done now. I feel overfull, gassy and FAT!

Tomorrow I'm going to try not to eat breakfast, but I'll take the oatmeal in case. Tea, then oatmeal if I must, and I've got the yogurt and salad from today still at work. Rice cake then yoga at 530. Run after and home to shower and early bed after a light dinner (Italian wedding soup!!!! If I'm good I'm definatly having that!!!!). Friday, similar thing, then Saturday I'll try and go for a liquid only day. I drive, but I need to resist. Sunday another light day, liquid day if possible, then monday a light eating day. By Tuesday morning the highest goal has me at 143.5 and I should hit that.

However, I'm 149.7lbs tonight. Average of a 1lb loss overnight and that puts me at 2.7lbs to lose before Saturday morning at the minimum! Numbers aren't looking good and I'm barely on the new chart!!! Most of what I ate should 'move' it's way out over the course of the next day or so, just gotta make sure I'm up on my water.

However, some interesting things have come to light this past few days. There's been an increase of people asking about my weight. 'K' and 'J' apparently decided to discuss it heading up to the game last night, so that means 'D' was in on the conversation also. Others have been talking as well and were 'concerned' but they know I'm eating coz they've seen me eat this week.

I'm gone next week and will be back at my new LW, with a quest to drop to my GW. I hate this gross full fat feeling. He commented on my 'jiggling', and I want to get below his goal, see what it looks like, what it feels like and what he has to say about it. I want to get as much out of his training before I move and be as low as I can before Xmas.

On a bright note, the last time I ballooned on weight I managed to drop the 5lbs in 3-4 days. I just need to stick to the plan. Just remember what this feels like.

I'm also getting sick. My throat hurts, my eyes feel 'tired' and heavy, and I feel warm in my face but not actually that warm. Just a miserable cold trying to start as normal, probably mostly due to stress. Just gotta stave it off for another 2 weeks (or if I'm sick while I'm north it can be an excuse not to eat much!). Lots of vitamins and healthy foods!! Candy won't help me stay well!

Back on plan tomorrow. Back to being the one in control, not feeling controlled.

3 month weigh in....


And the scales weren't kind. I was 144.6lbs this morning, giving me a total weight loss from the previous date of 5.9lbs. However, once we hit the gym it was a different number.


Work at 6am so up at 5am. Had oatmeal and tea for breakfast, and candy once I got there (damn it!!!) Munched on candy, chips, cookies and junk for most of the day until I ate my salad. Then home to change before the gym.


Thanks to my constant eating today I was just pissed right off and almost in tears when I got to the gym. 'S' was at the juice bar when I got in and called at me for being so early. I told him that yup, I knew and jumped on the elliptical for almost 20 min before racing off to yoga. We got to do the wheel in yoga so that was awesome, even better that I didn't have to use the fit ball. I think it really helped calm me down. I was still pissed, but not quite as upset. More determined. Becoming refocused. Jumped on the treadmill for 20 min and upped the speed a fair bit.


Once done, downstairs to join 'S' and off we went. He asked about inventory, I answered with not good, and then divulged that I went through a lot of stress eating. I didn't tell him quite how much I ate, but I think he knows I'm pissed about it. We did the lats, the other one that hurt me last time, the pull down ones (that I really struggled with... I can't use my legs now and its messing with me) and then onto the back one again. We haven't done that in AGES, but I powered through it so he gave me a weight. After the 3rd set when I stood up, I think he realised how dizzy it made me... more sit ups then the weigh in.

So, his scale had me at 148.5lbs. Only down 3lbs, and one of those lbs is lean mass. BMI was 24.3, and the fat % was perhaps somewhere simlar? I can't remember the number but it was 24.8 maybe? I dropped a few inches on the measurements though. 29" on the waist (FINALLY!!!) so down an inch there, 39.? on the hips so down a bit there, same on the neck, forearm and calf. Down on the thigh (just shy of 24?) and down a tiny bit on the arms. He said it wasn't bad. He said I have to make better food choices, but am already aware of that. He pointed out that I was 53% Bf when I started, that I was 169lbs when we started etc.


Now this has some interesting consequences................. I was 141.0 4 days ago, so I was there. I was 145.5 the moment I got home so that is the weight I'm going to run with. If I can just drop back to 140.0, that's 5.5lbs. Obviously not where I want to be, but it'll be a drop and I've ALREADY BEEN THERE!!!



Done a new numbers sheet and done it differently. There's 5 goals:

#1 - 140.0
#2 - 138.0
#3 - 135.0
#4 - 132.0
#5 - 130.0

I, of course, want to be 130.0 which puts me at 13lbs over my GW. It will also be a helluva drop!!! Even 138.0 would be a drop of 7lbs for the next weigh in. I must be at 135.0 by the next weigh in, on Nov 23rd, a 10.5lbs drop. 'S' will have something to say about that one I'm sure!!!

So, instead of doing a steady drop, I've allocated some days to stay at the same weight mostly coz I've got the conference and the trip north for a turkey dinner. I spend almost a week trying to maintain. It should work... I've also allowed tomorrow to eat 'normally' or at least a high normal, and another day to lose some of it. First weight that starts dropping is Saturday, first one that counts is Friday.

Tomorrow. I am going to eat oatmeal and tea for breakfast as I need the metabolism to start up properly. I'm going to take a yogurt and salad to work and am hoping to go to Pizza Hut with the boys for the buffet lunch. Eat reasonable amounts and it'll be before noon. Eat the yogurt before we go, and the salad around 3pm or so, then dinner at 'S's house and I'm sure there'll be snacks. I'm going to enjoy myself, eat sweets, chips, pasta, pastry and depending on the muchies we eat, maybe I'll stop off and have some cake.

Thursday, lower on the food. Oatmeal, yogurt and salad with salmon for lunch, then the gym for yoga at 530 and cardio after. Dinner of soup and veggies for a sub 800cal day. The Friday either eat or not, with Sat as a hopefully liquid fast day, extending Sunday. By then I should be back on the weight loss with a light day on Monday, then off to Vancouver for Tuesday.

The plan is to be somewhere between 144.8lbs and 143.5lbs by Nov 8th. That's 12 days away.

I'm going to enjoy tomorrow :) And then ENJOY getting back on track!!!! Skinnier here we come!!!!

143.0 this morning.... Inventory really killed my plans...

Woke up early at 8:30am after about 5 hrs sleep and after a little bit of tea jumped into the shower. Shortly after got the swing numbers and they weren't great so headed into work. Spent all night working and I felt horrible. I was lightheaded and sick. Didn't help that not long after I got in there I started eating fucking candy again. Then once I'd already fucked up I figured why not keep going!!! I ate buns with cheese and honey dijon mustard on them, slightly warmed (sooo good.... Good thing there wasn't margarine available coz they would have been drenched!!! ) cookies, chips, and more chocolate and candy. I even had a coffee with a milk and sugar as a post inventory 'treat'.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Scale at home put me at 144.4, then 143.6 post shower. Since then I've eaten more, had tea and am 144.8 right now. But.... if I go to the gym at 143lbs tomorrow, that's 5-6lbs lost and he can't say much about that. 6lbs is respectable for that, I'm hiding the last possible 3lbs. This means when I hit the end of November at a new low I've got more time to deal with 'S'.

Tomorrow I need to stick to the plan. Oatmeal and tea for breakfast, a salad for a late lunch, yogurt for a snack, and a rice cake for the pre gym. That's about 250 calories, and add in water. Work 6am and try and get out around 530pm so I can be on the damn treadmill around 6pm, yoga at 630pm, back on the elliptical at 730pm, then training at 8pm (with any luck all that will drop 2lbs !!!). 9pm go home and shower, eat a cup a soup or some veggies, then bed. Weds, another light day for food but heading to 'S's house for dinner and chicken pot pie....mmmm....

It's almost goal time!!! So, what should I go for? I haven't hit any of the fucking goals so far... I want to aim for 130lbs and make that my main goal. Make 128 or 127 the bhag, and 135 the minimum? When should I do it? Thursday morning to account for the food I'll consume Weds night so it can be more consistent? I'm thinking that will be best.

I'm also debating about the next weigh in. Do I stick to the current plan and go with Nov 22nd? Or add a week and go for Nov 29th? I won't get a weigh in for Dec, just won't work I think... Either that or it will be right before Xmas on the 20th or something.... I think right before Xmas would be best, get a weigh in before all that damn food kicks in.

Hopefully November will be better than October....

The highest weight I hit was 191.? back in May..... Today I hit 141.0lbs. That's a whole 50lbs off!!!!

I can't believe I hit 191, and I can't believe I lost 50lbs. I found pictures from back in June and July and I'm shocked by the stomach rolls, the chub around my face, my ass, my arms, my legs.... There's still a bunch to go, but I've got to look better than that!!!! I have to take some pictures of me and compare them coz I'm curious.

That's 50lbs off, 24lbs to go! I did 50lbs in 5-6months, I can do 24 in 3! So by the end of January I should be below 120lbs, at least that's the goal!

So, today I went to the gym, ran for 30min, did a bunch of weights, jumped on the wierd elliptical and burned at least 500 cals. Headed to work for inventory where I proceeded to pig out. Post inventory weight is 143.7lbs but hopefully I should lose at least 1lb of that overnight, putting me around 142.5lbs for tomorrow at max (fingers crossed!!!). I plan on liquid fasting tomorrow, so 141.5lbs or 141.0 by Tuesday morning, then a VERY light day to hopefully put me below 141.0 for the weigh in.

Inventory was ok. I'm hoping that this different way of doing things will help.... But something feels wierd at work. Almost like since 'G' got back from his conference he's been acting strange to me. He's been offering to buy me lunches, snacks and pops and some of the other guys who don't ever notice anything have been commenting about my weight. Maybe I'm just overthinking, or overreacting, but I'm super alert to it. However, they all saw me PIG out on food tonight so that should shut them all up.

Tomorrow, tea when I wake up, with tea to work, and water, water and more water. Beef cup a soup for dinner, yogurt if necessary. Stop by the store on the way home to buy more salad mix and yogurt, then tea for supper and bed. I'll have to eat something on Tuesday but it'll probably be salad and yogurt and maybe a rice cake, with tea for supper again. Weds I'll be over at a friends for chicken pot pie, then light on food for Thursday and Friday. I'm hoping by the time I go to Vancouver I'm around 135.0 so that's a week away.... Maintain in Vancouver, come home and go north for the weekend, so maintain there, then I've got 2 more weeks to drop 5lbs or more.

Gotta paint my nails (so I don't chew on them absent mindedly tomorrow), read and go to bed.

Yesterday was worth it... 142.1 this morning.

Got up later than I wanted to but I was damn tired! Chiro then the massage and while the chiro hurt, the massage was amazing. It definatly hurt but I feel so much better. He said that my left side had defintely had some scar tissue/traume to it but the right side wasn't as bad. I have to remember his name so I can go back. It wasn't a bad price, so maybe once a month at max if I feel I need it.

Home in time to have a long shower and a cup of tea before racing off to work. Started out ok. Went to do the shopping with 'J' and then we hit the bulk store. Ended up grabbing a lot of candy and some bits of cookies and creme chocolate. We ate them in the car, then indulged in more candy. We started with the tagging and I just kept on eating candy, more and more candy. I have no idea how much candy I ended up eating only that I almost had a headache and felt horribly sick. I did try to purge but as normal it didn't work. I did eat my salad though, so hopefully that will help the candy run through a bit quicker.

Work was ok... very close to running out of tags and I was exhausted by the end. Came home to tea and a scale that didn't give me as bad a number as I expected. Tonight I'm going to do my nails, drink tea, and go to bed. After what I hope will be an awesome nights sleep, get up around 9am and head to the gym by 10am. 90 min or so there with running, elliptical, legs and arms (just go nuts burning off all the shit I ate today!) I'd rather go for a bike ride but at the forcasted 1C and possibly raining it may not be too smart to get that cold before a week of solid stress!! Once the gym is over, home to drink tea, shower, and get ready for a looooong night at work.

So, for food tomorrow. I plan on fasting on Monday, and I want to eat as little as possible tomorrow. Thinking on seeing how long I can go without food and just having a tea at work with water at the control station. If I don't allow chips and candy in there I won't be tempted to eat. Take a salad with the tomato and cucumber (as it's delicious!!!!), rice cakes and the strawberries that I bought, maybe with the banana. Hoping at most to hit 500 calories. I'm desperatly hoping that tomorrow I can hit 141.9lbs (if I do that will be 50lbs lost!!!) Even with that number there is no way I can hit 140.0 by Tuesday, but if I fast on Monday I can hopefully get to the 140.? range by tuesday morning. That's 8lbs lost, but I have to do the weigh in at the end of the day so eat only during the morning? It's at 8pm and I have yoga before and I don't particularly want to crash during training.... bah... I'll figure that shit out on Tuesday morning at 5am when I wake up.....

This week is going to kill me.....

143.1lbs... just as though to piss me off....

Work was another day... Felt like I got a lot accomplished, but I'm not sure I did. Most of this should have been done ages ago though. Ran out of there right on time to change and hit job number 2. Had a good, busy night there and ran home to meet 'T'. Had just enough time to make sure that all my books and charts were hidden before he came over, and we hung out, watched TV etc.

My back was really really sore today until driving. Then it felt much better as long as I remembered to sit up properly while I drove. However, I've made an appointment to see a massage therapist tomorrow. Better get it out of the way before inventory.... Right after Chiro. I go from one to the next.... which makes it tough for me to hit the gym after. I probably shouldn't go after anyways. Gym doesn't open until 8am so I hope to get there right after. Do only an hour or so with mostly cardio (if I can handle it....)

Today I'm less than 200 cals. I've had tea twice, salad with cuke and tomato (a really nice addition!!!), a yogurt, water, vitamin water, and half a cup a soup (30cals coz I probably didn't even eat half.) I'm really proud of how well I did. I've resisted temptation very well today and I hope it will carry on this weekend. I only have 3.1lbs to go and 4 days to lose it.

Tomorrow.... Up around 7am, have a yogurt and water. Hit the gym at 8am, at least 60 min there, putting me at 50min to get to chiro. There really isn't much point in showering, just really change clothes before heading there, as I'll want a shower after the massage. After that, back home to shower and chill until work. For work I've got to do all the shopping for Sunday and tagging. I'm going to go get a ton of candy for Sunday night too, but I'll have 'J' with me so she'll be my focus on not eating too much of it. I'll take salad and yogurt to work along with water and maybe we'll splurge and get a tea before tagging.... Home and tea for snack before heading to bed. I need to have another day sub 400 if possible..... This will account for a few treats.

Sunday, I've bought strawberries. My treat as they're low in calories despite the sugar. That with the banana will be delightful!!! Plus I'll take extra yogurts, the salad, and rice cakes to munch on so and ban all junk from the tech room. Lots of tea and water for the night!!! I'm hoping to hit the gym on Sunday too, obviously as late as possible and not for too long. I want to be at work by 2-3pm, so gym by noon or 11am. Try to sleep until 10am.

Tomorrow is going to be a loooooong day. I'm looking forward to it coz it's something different though.

Numbers: I'm still on track to lose 10lbs for the revised goals. I need to be 140.6 tomorrow to be on the 13lbs goal and 138.2 on the 16lbs so I don't think thats going to work. Those goals are just so steep. When I do the next months goal sheet I won't make the final numbers until after my dinner on Wednesday (mmmm... only 5 days away!!!) so I can account for the food I eat then.

I'm past the 5lbs loss for the weigh in, and while I might not hit 10, I must hit 7 or 8. I need to be right on that goal of his this month, so I can get under in November. I would like to aim for at least 130.0 by the end of November. I may not hit 117 by Christmas, but I can hit 125.0 by January, then it's a mere 8lbs away!!!

Must go to bed!!!! Sleep desperatly needed!!!!!

Up this morning to 143.9lbs. I'm hoping that it will come off tonight and I'll be back down to 142.0 by the morning.

I started off my day shitty by diving into the fucking candy again. What the hell am I doing? It's PURE SUGAR!!! This is NOT going through me, it's turning into fat!!! If I don't have sugar for a while then maybe a piece or two will get through unscathed, but not a handful every day. That stick of licorrice in my car is staying there until I deserve a treat!

The rest of the day was ok. I got some stuff done, but still not as much as usual. I'm just not doing so great on concentrating anymore. The damn sugar sure didn't help! Had my salad shortly after noon and the yogurt around 3 or so as I started downloading scanners for the weekend. I can't believe it's in 3 days and it totally feels like we're not ready. At least I don't feel ready. I've got to scrub at least 4 reports tomorrow and there's always more to be done...

Today I didn't feel great all around. I keep feeling a hint of a sore throat but that was the least of my concerns. My stomach was upset, but not too upset. It just wasn't happy.... My legs hurt (of course) as did my triceps but my back was really bad. It's just below my shoulder blades and my lower back, but in two very specific spots. If I poked them they felt better but even that was hard as I'm stiff and sore.

Got home and ate the cottage cheese salad but felt sick after. Not sure if it was my stomach not happy or still having issues with the candy. Hit the gym and ran for 27min before the training. We started training with him immediatly picking up on something not being quite right. It's good that he's able to be that intuitive but at this point it sucks for me. I'll never be able to get anything by him at this rate. It wasnt' until I had started on the first exercise that I told him that my back was hurting so he did some poking around (damn, when he hit my shoulder I thought my legs were going to give. It HURT but felt so good at the same time.) and thinks that when I did one of the exercises on my own yesterday I may have just tweaked something.

We skipped the lats due to whatever I've done to my back, but went onto some different shoulder ones. Fine for the first two sets then my shoulders pissed him off by popping and crackling. Did a ton of stretching, neck, chest, triceps etc. Some of it felt good, he had to help me do one of the neck ones and while the one side felt good, the other side really hurt.

Went onto the triceps.... I could have sworn they were the 3rd day!!! So, thanks to yesterday that definatly burned. Doing the ones where I'm laying down he laughed and pointed something out that he didn't belive he's missed so far. I arch my back and use my lower back to help me raise the weights and that's not good apparently. Instead I'm suppose to use my abs. So he had to poke me and tell me to tighten them... I just don't have much strength there... So we went and did ab work after, and pointing out some things I'm doing wrong like going right down onto my shoulder blades. Hit the elliptical after for 22min. My legs are just done.

Home to shower and clean up a bit. Ate brocolli and brussel sprouts for dinner, with some bran flakes and a rice cake. Had just shy of 600 cals today, but I don't think that's enough to drop my weight. I have a horrible feeling I may be 144.? in the morning.

I have 5 days to get to 140.0....

Tomorrow I will take salad, yogurt, tea and water to work and then I drive later. I've got a soup in the car for dinner, take a vitamin water and a bottle of water also. Then, hopefully, 'T' will be by after and there wont' be any food happening there.... If not, bed coz I'll need the rest.

Saturday morning I've got Chiro and then hoping to hit the gym for 90 min before having to go to work to tag. I'll have tea before chiro, and I'm hoping to go with no food, but perhaps a yogurt will be in order. Soup and salad to work ( I have to have the salad... it'll fill me up like nothing else will) then home for tea and bed. On Sunday, hoping for a bike ride in the morning depending on wind/chill as I want to stay away from the gym for a day or so. Going to try to only have tea, water and maybe a yogurt before going to work. Thinking I'll take salad, some fruit (a treat... low cal despite the sugar), rice cakes, tea, milk for tea and just drown in water. I may allow myself to indulge in a chip or a piece of candy but I'll just have to remember what the scale said that morning. Monday, depends on what Sunday ends up being, and what my weight is, but I should have another light day. Salad, soup and yogurt and then on Tuesday, have a salad with tuna or something for the protein. Weigh in later on...

Will it be enough? Will I get down to 140?

I almost fell off the scale this morning. 142.4lbs. That's a new LW, and only 2.4lbs off 140.0lbs. I'm so close. I just want to crack 140, and do it by Tuesday morning.

I've got 6 days.

Work was ok. Got in an argument with 'K' and while it got figured out, my day got fucked up a bit. Got a TON of shit to do tomorrow for this weekend!!! Tomorrow is going to be a BUSY day!!!

I slept ages last night, but the app said I didn't sleep well. I stayed in bed a bit longer then finally dragged my ass out of bed to get ready. Ate half of the cinnamon oatmeal and a cup of tea before heading to work. Took a yogurt but didn't eat it. It's there in case I need it for another day. Did the lunch thing and only had the salad and soup. That put me up to about 200 cals but it's handleable. I did end up munching on some damn candy again, but I felt sick pretty quick. I ate a few of the gummy bears and some of the other sugared candy ones but I began to feel the headache kick in and feel sick to my stomach pretty quick. It's like 'S' was saying that he can eat a handful but he feels slightly wierd almost as soon as it hits his stomach. I guess that would be a good thing if I could stop eating the damn candy.

Went from work to the gym. My legs are tired from yesterday and sore in that wierd spot from my hips to the tops of my legs. I ran for 27 minutes, longest ever, and I probably could have kept going. Tomorrow I've got to up it to 4.8mph and drop the time back to 20 min or something. Off the treadmill to do the quad exercise that we didn't get to yesterday, some tricep work and the one muscle in the back that I've forgotten the name of. Also did some bicep curls and a ton of situps then back on the elliptical for 25 min.

Home to shower and eat some soup as well as some fibre mixed in with the water. For today, just shy of 500 cals burned, and 600 or so cals eaten (depending on the candy intake... I added 100 cals but I'm not sure how much I ate). I'm not sure if I will end up the same incredible number I did today... I don't know why but I'm thinking I might be a bit higher. I would prefer to be 141.9lbs by morning. It's only a 0.5lbs loss, but it's past 142.

Numbers: As of this morning I was on 3/4 of the revised plans. The 16lbs one I had to be 141.4 and didn't hit it, but only 1lb above it. The 13lbs plan I was exactly 1lb ahead of tomorrows goal!!! So to stay on track I only have to maintain.

Tomorrow's plan is for yogurt for breakfast, with tea then the usual salad for lunch. As soon as I'm off work head home to eat cottage cheese with tomatos and cucumber for energy. I've got training at 7pm, so leave the house by 6pm, gives me 90 min at home to eat. However, if I get home later I won't be able to eat too much coz I'll get sick. For dinner, thinking veggies as I haven't had any for a while.

Friday, I don't know if I drive. I assume I will so no gym and have to rely on the will power not to eat. I think I should have a liquid evening, just salad for lunch and an early night. Saturday, hit the gym in the morning, or go for a ride if it's nice enough, then work all evening. I can take soup or salad again and I'll be fine. Sunday... well sunday will be whatever it will be. I need to plan for meals and snacks. I'm taking tea, milk for tea, a soup packet, salad, rice cakes and maybe some fruit like strawberries or something as a treat. Low calories despite the sugar, but it will hopefully stop me from pigging out on the candy. LOTS of liquids though.

So tired...

Apparently I really hate 145.... I went from 146.0 to 144.9lbs. Not that I'm complaining!!!! Fuck I'm glad to be belowe 145 FINALLY!!!! This is the new LW for me!!! Post gym I was 143.7lbs and right now I'm the same as what I was this morning, so I should be 143.5lbs at least tomorrow.

I had the yogurt at 8am or so, and I'm not sure if it helped or anything. Salad around 2pm, then I went a little crazy on candy. I estimated about 400 cals but it may have been more. Damn, it tasted good, but I felt so sick afterwards. Once home had a mouthful of cottage cheese to give my stomach something other than sugar in it. Ran for 16 min, then to yoga. I can feel the difference. Today I felt stronger doing some of the downward dog poses and pushups. Jumped on the elliptical for a very quick, very fast 18 minutes. Headed downstairs where 'S' was waiting and asking if I was 'cardiod out', which I was. And onto leg day...

I think we did the same weight on the hamstring press, but when we went to the quads we went from 235 to 315!!! The hamstring curls were tough, but I think I'm improving... Didn't do the stupid quad curls (think we took too long) but when I did the hamstring curls and stood up I got super dizzy. Things didn't go black, but I felt very very strange. He noticed and was asking if I needed to eat as I was teasing him moments before about eating. I brushed that off quickly.... His wife and ex-gf were there so he was a bit distracted. It was still funny though, watching him stress about those two being friendly.

Food.... had I not eaten all that candy I'd be around 300 cals for the day. Tomorrow I have the lunch with my supervisors and I've looked online. I can have the soup and salad for less than 200 cals. That's at 2pm so 4 hours before the end of my shift. Hit the gym for 2 hours right after work and it puts me at about 9pm. Home for soup and tea so another 100 cals or so, and toss in breakfast, so mayble 400-450 cals. Trying to decide if I should have some oatmeal or yogurt for breakfast. Oatmeal will put me about 60 cals if I only eat half (seriously considering it.... fiber will help also!!!!) and maybe take a yogurt with me? That sounds like a plan.... Gotta look into buying fiber suppliment tomorrow as the prunes didn't work and taste gross.

Numbers.... I'm still on the 10lbs track, but I've done a new goal also... this one will get me right to 140.0 by the 26th. For that one I need to be 144.2lbs so I should pass that one with no problem. For the 13lbs plan I need to be 143.2 (possible...) and for the 16lbs plan I need to be 141.4 (not gonna happen...). On the orignal ones I've caught up to the 5lbs plan, but not the 10lbs plan...

I'm terrified for the weekend with the munchies over inventory, but I'm getting excited for the weigh in. I really want to hit 140 and see what he has to say.... I'm now at my new lowest weight (forgetting I was lower at 127 when I was 12) and I can't wait to pass 140 and see 130.

Bracelet arrived today and it's beautiful. Just in time.

Back at home tonight.

It was a good weekend overall. I felt bad with trying to avoid eating and being so preoccupied with my weight as it was almost impeeding on our conversations and ability to have fun. I had a good time today shopping and I'm sure I've broken my bank account. I've spent waaaaay too much money today, but got so many new clothes!! I even bought a ring with my birthstone in it, something I've wanted for a very long time. I'm thinking I spent right around $500.... so that's it for clothing for a while, unless I drop enough to require pants again (hopefully!!!).

The weight stayed basically the same thank goodness. 146.0 this morning, so that's very close to the 145.9 from Thursday. I jumped on the scale when I got home and it was 144.2lbs or something close which is pretty incredible!!!

I ate honey nut cherios with milk and tea this morning for breakfast. 250 or so calories, then nothing but water until about 3pm when I cracked and ate some of a cinnamon twist. I did chomp on it but spat it out back again so I'm not sure how to count it. Off to another mall but they didn't have the store I was looking for so back to my friends to pack and leave.

I hit Safeway on the way into town as I needed salad mix and prunes (yuck... but I'm going to try and see what happens...) and wandered into the bakery. I figured that if the prunes work the way they're supposed to, then does it really matter if I have something sweet? I mean, if I didn't actually swallow some, then it really wouldn't matter right?

Once home I spent over an hour unpacking, laundry and going through my drawers and closet. I have another 2 bags of stuff to donate which feels very good, but I'm sad at those clothes that I barely wore!!! I should have just taken that damn cake and thrown it out. I didn't need it at that point, I was fine without it. Instead I ate it, but not the whole thing. It was almost the same as the one I had over at 'S's house, but had chocolate shavings on top and a custard filling. It tasted sooooo good, but so sickly sweet. I ate all the icing, and most of the top layer, probably 1/2 of the custard and 1/2 of the bottom layer, then chased it with 5 prunes, and a pot of tea after a nice warm shower with my vanilla sugar shower gel.

I'm full..... But the numbers aren't too bad...146.2lbs, so I'm hoping for 145.0 tomorrow.

Speaking of which......Work at 8am, then training at 8pm. Thats going to be another long day. 6:30 is yoga so I want to be at the gym by 6pm to warm up, then 30 min after yoga for more, then leg day with 'S'. I need to eat for that..... but what and when?

I'm debating on whether or not to have the yogurt before work and do the 'boosting' of the metabolism or just leave it until I have the salad.... Either way, I end up eating the same, then when I come home the cottage cheese with cucumber and tomatos before the gym. Around 200 cals at this point. Once the gym is over and I'm showered, it will be closer to 10pm so time for some soup and tea before bed. Overall, 300-350 calories and with the amount of cardio and yoga I should be in the negative for net.....

Numbers: I'm under 2 of the goals so far, but 6 of them are over. I think the original goals may be far too much beyond my reach, but I'm still plugging my numbers in anyways to see what I end up at. The revised ones I may still get back on track... the 10lbs I have to be 145.7, and the 13lbs I have to be 144.1... At this point I need to be on the 10lbs at LEAST!!! If I hadn't eaten and woken up tomorrow at 144, that would have been only 4lbs to lose to hit 139. I have 2 more liquid days planned so as long as I actually complete those days properly I should be good.

7 days till the weigh in....

Stupid laptop wont connect to the wifi in any room other than upstairs....

Down 0.4lbs this morning. At least it's an improvement. So I managed to avoid breakfast and lunch and only eat dinner. We did go out and I ate bread with dip for starter then the salmon with wild rice and broccoli. Back at the house one of those 100cal popcorns and some honey nut cherios. Scale is giving me some scary numbers right now though. I need to be less than 147.3lbs before bed but I'm not sure it's going to happen. I just need to stay in the 146's. I can make up the rest starting tomorrow. All liquids. No food. 8 days to drop 6lbs.

I'm looking forward to hitting the stores tomorrow. If I can just even hit 145.9 it will make the day that much better!

Can't get a decent Internet connection down here..... Using the phone but I can't post on PT coz it won't pop ip with a keyboard. Bah

Anyways, skipped the gym this morning but didn't eat anything until I got here and I knew that was going to happen. Ate the steamed broccoli and roasted pureed cauliflower (surprisingly good!) and some of the meatloaf. Figured I would be good with that. Until my friends husband brought out the snacks for the evening. Popcorn with caramel, some kind of delicious munch mix, and chips with salsa and the cheese sauce. I heartily began to chow down.

At the rate I'm going, in a week I will be the exact same weight as I was at the beginning of the month. Not cool. I need to crack 145 at the MINIMUM! I've got 9 days to try and drop at least 6lbs. Monday will be a fast day and I'll have to do it another day also. Maybe Friday and Saturday leaving Sunday for inventory and a real test of will power! Monday another fast day then I'll have to eat something to get through Tuesday to the weigh in.

Tomorrow I'm planning on saying I ate too much and feel sick. I'll have tea for breakfast and we'll see what happens for lunch. I'm hoping I can somehow either manage soup or salad or skip out then eat a very light dinner and no snacks! Lots of tea and water!

and yes, I did pack the scale..... That's how Fucked up I'm getting.

146.3lbs this morning... I'm still ahead in the numbers, but not by much now. Only ahead of the revised bhag by 0.4lbs. I need to drop tomorrow, but I probably wont' be as I pigged out tonight.

Got up, had tea, had a lazy morning. I went and hit the music store, paying for the bass (they have to order it in.... boooo) and drooling of a gorgeous Gretcsh. I may have to purchase the black one. It's a hollow body and far lighter than I anticipated. It's not a Gibson, but it'll do until I can afford the Gibson (several years away!!!) I hit Chapters after and found some nice suprises amongst the sales and also picked up a copy of Stick Figure. As I left, the temperature dropped several degrees and my hoodie was certainly not enough anymore! I could see my breath, the wind picked up and it was raining with a hint of sleet. Apparently they got snow where I'm going tomorrow, but it may be all melted by then. I'm suprised it didn't snow more here.

Raced to the chiro appt, then home to eat some cottage cheese and chopped tomato before hitting the gym. Ran for a bit, and it was tiring!!! Until I hit the 20min mark it was hard to stay running. Downstairs to join 'S' and we went into arms/back day. I don't like this day in the rotation. It always feels like a slacker day. Biceps and another muscle in my back that I can't remember, and instead of the back exercises, today more abs. First some funky exercise with a white rolled piece of foam that I had to roll over. I could feel my back popping and it felt very strange. He said I'll feel a little tenderized tomorrow, but I can feel it a bit tonight. Then onto abs on a strange half ball thing, and it hurt way more than the normal ones. Then it was over for another session....

Home to shower then off to drive. No time for job number 1 today, so I've got to go in tomorrow. Tonight was good. It was busy and I made some good money... some more to add to the stash. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that money. I was using that for a savings for treats, but this weekend I'm shopping and spending. I need to save for an eventual move, and save for storage, cat kennels etc. I can't keep spending!!! I need to pay off the laptop and car starter, and the old visa, and the mc. I also want to go to New York and buy that bike..... I'll figure it all out. I just have to be careful about buying clothes. No point in buying lots as I bought the 31's at the end of August and I've already had to go buy 30's and it hopefully won't be long till I need 29's, or just wait till I need 28's.

Which I will never hit if I keep eating like i did today. I ended up eating a small pizza tonight which wasn't in the plan. I should've just left, and almost did. I can't claim to make a decision and do things like this. I need to remember that this food isn't helping.

I have 10 days to drop 9lbs. In the mix there's the trip this weekend and inventory next weekend. Tomorrow, tea for breakfast and then the gym. Hit work after a shower (and small snack) get some shit done, then pack and leave. Plan to leave around 130-2pm and take a vitamin water and tea on the road. I'll end up making plenty of pit stops!!! But this means by the time I hit the city around 4pm or so I'll have hopefully less than 150calories in me, and most of them liquid ones. Skimp on dinner as much as possible and take some 100cal popcorn bags for snack food. I don't think it will be enough to drop me any weight, but at least I can maintain.

Sunday, skip the breakfast where possible, skips snacks at church, and do everything I can to avoid a mcdonalds lunch (their usual.... it'll be a salad for me if necessary!) and hope that if we go out for dinner we can go some place with salmon and veggies, or get a salad (BPs spinach salad!!!). Monday morning, skip breakfast. I'll be out all day Monday so skip lunch, and try to leave before dinner on Monday, meaning no dinner either. That should help counter any overeating the night before.

Am I crazy in thinking I can pack my white scale? I won't get BMI's from it, but I can still get a weight that I know will be fairly accurate.

I need to be 145.? tomorrow, I need to crack 145 by Sunday. If I come home and I'm 145 or more, then this next week will be HARD!!!! It needs to be hard anyways, I've got to drop the weight. I'm NOT going to the next weigh in with only 3lbs lost, or maybe only 5lbs. I want 10 minimum, I have to crack 140....

That episode of American Dad is still haunting me.... I think about it every time I go in front of a mirror. It completely took me by suprise, I was just as shocked as Stan, believing the entire time that his family was sabotaging him. Instead it's his own warped mind seeing himself get fatter as in reality he wasted away.

I see that in me, every day, it's there on my mind.

I can't see a difference. I know there is one. 45lbs is a lot of difference for a number. That's almost a quarter of my previous body weight. The pants I wore when I was 175 to the concert are so big they fall right off, won't even hang on my hips. My dress pants that I remember busting out of are sitting in a pile to be donated as it's the very same issue. I've gone from a 34 to a 30, a size 13/14 to a size 9/10, and when I look in the mirror all I see is the same fat thighs, big ass, flab around my stomach, the fat around my upper arms and my huge calves. I don't see me any differently.

True, I can see some things a bit differently. My fingers look skinnier, my wrists are smaller, the muscles in my forearms stand out a bit more, there's definatly some muscle development in the biceps, shoulders and a tiny bit in the triceps, I am starting to see shadows of my ribs at the very top of my chest and my favourite, the hint of a dimple when I smile.

But is it enough?

I talked to my boss a bit today after talking to my former boss. I guess in the last 2 major visits I've freaked a few people out. What I can't see, they're seeing to the extreeme. They aren't seeing me for a month at a time and suddenly it's hit them. They've been asking questions, they thought I was ill, want to know if I'm doing this properly (and for all they know I am, mostly coz 'G' doesn't give a fuck about anyone else to notice that I barely eat, or what it is that I'm eating...) and hearing them both say that gave me a crazy thrill.

So what now? I'm 145.9lbs as of this morning. Realisitcally I'm right at 'S's goal. I can lose 5lbs more max under his guidance and concentrate on eating right, getting the protein and calcium, maintaining the weight, but building the muscle and becomming healthy.

Or I can keep doing what I'm doing, dedicate myself to it, allow myself to believe what my eyes are showing me and not what my mind is telling me. I can pass 145.0, get down to 140.0 and keep going, see how far down I can get. The goal in mind, 117.... for now.... and I could do it by Xmas, or early January, just in time for moving and starting at the new place with a new team. I'll deal with those that comment as time goes by, and at some point I'll have to deal with 'S' as much as I'll hate to stop working with him, when I move I'll have to anyways. Then a new city with a trainer who won't know my past or what I looked like at 165.0.

While I've had this debate I've gone through a day of work, one hour of yoga, one hour of core training, then an evening with the guys. I haven't gone in ages but I wanted to tonight. Besides, I have to indulge every once in a while, help stave off the binges. I did go a little nuts with the candy earlier, but I was so tired. I was exhausted. I could feel fatigue in my muscles, especially my legs. Hence I didn't push for too much cardio today. Saw 'S' after Yoga as I ran to the bathroom, and I'm pretty sure I spotted him peeking through the window during the core class. Yoga was a relaxation class, different but probably better for me today. Core was the usual and while there's definatly improvement in there, there's still the damn plank.

I seriously love going to the gym. I look forward to the training, the classes and just getting on the treadmill or the elliptical and going... I'm at 23 minutes running, and 3 months ago I could barely do 4 minutes. I'll be up to 30 minutes soon, hopefully by the end of the month. Just keep taking it up a notch.

Tomorrow is a glorious day off. Sleep a bit later (like 8am or something....) have a pot of tea (just like saturday mornings) and head out. Gonna go see a man about a bass, and hopefully buy one, then hit Chapters to browse books, go talk to the dentist, chiro before noon, then work in between to get some shit done. Training at 2, so gym at 1:15 or so, then home to shower before driving.

Not sure if I'll stay at 145 in the morning... it really depends on how things go from what I ate tonight (salad and cheese toast.... both were delightful!!!!) but I'll still be under all the new goals. However, those will get tough to keep up with pretty soon. This weekend may do some damage....

If of course I decide to stay this course.

Holy Shit I'm tired!!!! It's about 40min past my normal bedtime....

Work was ok again, late for Chiro (had the wrong time memorised) but went to the gym for a bit. Ran for 23 minutes and could have gone longer but I needed to get some weights in. Started with arms, then headed downstairs for that stupid hamstring one. 2nd last set and as I'm finishing I notice some shoes by my head.... 'S' was there watching, kinda freaked me out. Must have been his workout time and he cracked a joke about spying on me. Good thing he chose that time as form wasn't too bad and weight was at the 40lbs he bumped it up to. Did the thigh one after upstairs and did the 70lbs that he had last time. My legs hurt, but I think they're getting used to it. If I have to do 14 of those next time my legs might drop off though.... Elliptical for 25min then home to shower.

Got in some soup before dashing out to see a movie (can't remember the name.... the one about the baby whose parents die and they leave her to the 2 friends that hate each other. A romantic comedy that's right up my alley...) I ate more than my fair share of popcorn ( I ate an entire medium and still am not full.... ) and half of 'J's candy. I don't even like peanut butter and there I am scarfing down his Reese chocolate covered candy!!!! BLECH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But the scale has me at 146.6 right now before bed. I will be 145.? by morning. I was 145.5 post workout, a new low. I'm well ahead of the revised schedule, and catching up to the old 5lb schedule. I need to hit 143 by Saturday morning then just maintain over the weekend.

Tomorrow; Salad and yoghurt as usual with tea and water. May take a rice cake also as I am going to have to run straight form work to the double class. There's yoga at 530 and core is right after. 5 hit the gym for warmup, and it will be 730 by the time I'm done. Maybe another 30 min cardio? 8pm or so get home and shower, then hopefully join the guys for the usual Thursday night treat. Not my usual, never been to Mr. Mikes yet, but I can't keep avoiding them, plus I have Friday off work. I'll go, eat salad and maybe a diet coke, then leave (unless there's soup....).

Can't wait till Friday!!! Bring on payday!!!! If I can hit 143 I'll have to have some fun shopping on Monday!!!!

On the right track, finally. 149.4lbs this morning. That's under all the revised goals but will well over the month old goals. (post gym I was 146.6 which would be AMAZING if I could hit that by morning. Really put me back on track!!!)

Work was great. I was very focused, got so much stuff done! Didn't eat until 1:30,2pm ish. I did have a crazy sugar craving and asked around but no one had any so I was saved that way. I did have a sucker in the morning, but tossed most of it out, and a jujube as I left (probably about 20-25 cals total), but stuck to my salad and yogurt. Once home I had a half serving of cottage cheese with the cucumber and tossed in some tomatos ( I just love them so much!!!) as a pre workout snack and tried to snooze for a bit. Think I had about 2 minutes before the alarm woke me up.

Hit the gym with time for 5min on the elliptical before yoga. I can feel myself getting better in the class. I can balance a bit better, my arms don't hurt as much and I can stretch a bit more. I still struggle with some of the leg lifts, but I've got to remember to ask about it. After, ran into 'S' who decided to crack a few jokes about me being too tired, but I felt great!!! That relaxation section must have just rejuvinated me!!! Jumped on the elliptical again for 18 min, then sat on the step waiting for him to get going. Arms today, mostly pecs and triceps. Changed some things on the stance for the pecs as I kept feeling my shoulders pop out so we've changed it and I can definatly feel the difference! He was happy that I've improved as apparently I did much better today. The tricep curls were tough as usual and I'm sure I'll be sore tomorrow!!!

I know why things are better, it's because I ate like crazy 2 days ago and probably the 2 days of doing nothing helped things also.... Next training is Friday, so gym tomorrow night after chiro, core training on thurs, training on fri, try and hit the gym early sat morning, then up north for 2 days. Plus, if I'm careful with what I eat Sat night (fast before I head up there), Sunday and avoid breakfast Monday morning (I'll be shopping so no lunch and driving home over dinner time) then I should be able to stay the same weight.

Tomorrow, same for lunch and breakfast, and I've got the soup for dinner. Depending on how much I drop tonight I'll either cook up some veggies for the evening or just have soup, and have a snack before hitting the chiro appt. I'm going to a movie tomorrow night at 10pm so there will be popcorn and I plan on only having water (though a diet coke would be nice!)

Today a 400 cal day, but overall a 100 net. I should be able to do the same tomorrow.

Damn, I want that 135lbs. I want to get on that scale on Oct 25th and shock him. I have to get through this weekend and then inventory with the food. That control desk CAN NOT turn into the junk post for the evening. I can not have ANY food in the tech room otherwise I'll eat it and sabotage myself 2 days before the weigh in.

135, then 122..... Can I hit 117 by the end of the year?

So no gym this morning, and no bike ride either (it was windy... :() I woke up when the alarm kicked in but I wanted to sleep, so sleep I did.

The damage this morning, 151.0lbs. So undone all the work from the past 2 weeks, maybe 3. I am now a higher weight that I was on the last weigh in, and 5lbs heavier than my lowest weight. I must have still been full from last night as my stomach did almost no complaining about the lack of food. All I had was tea and water until about 5pm when I ate salad. Once home, after some cleaning, had veggies with sauce, a rice cake, a 10calorie jello and more tea. Total of 261 calories. Not bad overall!!! All I can hope is that it shows tomorrow on the scale.

So came up with some new numbers. There's the silly 5lbs plan that I put on there just for an absolute minimum, but if I only drop that much, and end up with an overall monthly loss of 2.9lbs I will not be happy. The new 10lbs plan puts me at an overall of -7.8lbs, the 13lbs at -10.8lbs (this is the plan I want to hit....) and the 16lbs plan at -13.8lbs and a new low of 135.1lbs. (the one I REALLY want to hit!)

No exercise today so I'm hoping that I can at least hit all of these goals and get below 150 again. Tomorrow is going to be a loooooong day. Work bright and early, followed by yoga and training. Don't end until 9pm so after a shower then I'll have time for a very quick bite and tea. I'll take salad and yoghurt to work, with tea and water, then a quick snack before the gym (haven't decided on cottage cheese or that banana....mmmmmm..... ) and after the gym maybe soup.
Hopefully a sub 350 day, plus the exercise I do should make it an overall negative day. I just need to push it during training, and no crashing.

I've done my nails, given myself a pedicure, and now a facial. I can do this, I will be strong enough and I will see 13? by the next weigh in. That's 14 days.....

So the first part of the day went well.... I didn't go for a ride because it was so windy. I woke up very warm also which is strange, and a whole whopping 147.7lbs on the scale.

Drank my tea then went out as planned. Finally managed to go get some of that eyeshadow that I dropped ages ago, and got some new jeans and black pants.

Went for dinner and started by eating the chips with dip, but ate so many of them. Then came dinner and I was already full from the chips. I put what I thought was a moderate amount on my plate and began to eat. I haven't eaten potatoes in ages and they tasted delicious, as did the carrots, turkey, gravy, but the broccoli was different. She cooked it with cheese and cream so it was kinda weird. I felt overfull at that point, then I ate desert.

I hurt soooo much after that. I sat stretched out on her couch partly wishing I could puke, then after cleaning up I went home with so many leftovers. I then decided to eat more desert and got overful again. It's now 2hrs later and after a nap I'm still sore and full, the scale registers 152.5lbs. That's 5lbs gain in one day!!!!!

Tomorrow, I would like to start at the gym. It opens at 8am and I need to be there at open if I'm going to have time. Get up at 7am and hit my friends to check on her cats, then go to the gym. Spend 1.5hrs there and then home to shower and work. Take tea, salad, and 35calorie cup a soup for work and hope that whats in my stomach now has worked its way out by then. After work, more tea and soup if I must. The idea of as little food as possible, if it must be consumed it should be in liquid form.

I want to go to the gym tomorrow, or go for a ride, but we'll see how I feel tomorrow.

I just went nuts again.. as if last night wasn't enough. I've just stuffed half a large order of cheese breadsticks and about a quarter of a pzone down my throat. I almost made it out of there without it.... Now I've gone and fucked it all up.

Last night I went on a sweet craving and had an awesome chocolate cake with real sugar icing but it only cost me .3lbs. I was still under my 5lbs goal and over the 10lb goal by 1.4lbs.

Today I ate eggs for breaky so I could have the energy for later. Ran at the gym, then onto leg day.... That damn leg press will kill me. We went up to 20 reps and I think we're on 235 still but he said next time we go up! We did a ton of different exercises, jumping between one and the other. I was quite crazy and I was very tired by the time I was done. I wished him a happy turkey weekend, he joked about me not being able to walk tomorrow.

I'm scared for tomorrow. I don't know what to expect. I have to get up at 8am and check the wind. If it's nice, get on the bike and go out for at least an hour, regardless of how the damn legs feel. I need that time. If it's howling wind I'll have to go to the gym as I can't get any time in on Monday. That done, just tea and maybe broth soup for the day, and I've gotta go buy new black pants seeing as mine don't fit anymore. Dinner is at 6pm, so head there and I want to enjoy myself. I'll eat that amazing dip, and have dinner with tons of veggies, a piece of whatever is for desert, and make a quick exit.

Monday morning, if I can, get out for a ride. I can't go to the gym as I won't have time because of work. Then work and fast. Salad, tea, and yoghurt. For dinner, broth soup. I'll deal with Tuesday when it hits.

I'm 149.5lbs right now, pre cup of tea. If I can drop at least 2lbs overnight, that's 147.5lbs. I should be able to keep that overnight, then the day of light light food intake I should drop.

I dunno.... I've really fucked up. I'm not going to hit 134 by Oct 25th. I keep thinking to myself that I have an extra week because of inventory, but I don't know that for sure. If not, I have 14 days to drop 10lbs. In that time I've got a trip north to contend with as well.... though I hear it's good for my metabolism to keep yo-yo-ing.

I'm just not happy today. Why did I let this happen again? Fine, it's not as bad as the crazy binge I had 2 weeks ago, but why did I allow it to happen?

It can't again. I'm in control. I need to stop the sugar cravings, the fat cravings. Water, juice, tea. I will hit 13? this month. I will lose at least 10lbs for the next weigh in. I want to be 120 by Xmas.

Overall, not as bad a day as I thought it would be.

The bosses showed up and I stayed out of their way for as long as I could. When it came time for lunch they all left without me and sent me a text message later. I sent one back almost 15minutes after they left hoping that I could get out of it, and then downed my salad. No such luck... Mindful of the last advice I got, I walked over to join them. They insisted I eat and I chose the teriyaki chicken with no sauce. I ate all the veggies and most of the chicken. I did leave more than half of the rice, but I counted it as eating 3/4 in the calorie counter.

Have I mentionned how much I love the iPhone? Seriously, still in love with it.

The HR manager tried to make a big deal about my weight loss, but I brushed it off as much as I could. She asked if I was doing it with diet and exercise (which I am....) and I think wanted to have an entire conversation about it.

The review wasn't bad. I've been asked to run a project for the Xmas season and I'm terrified to do it. I had to say yes, I couldn't say no. They both sat there after asking me while I blundered and my mind went blank. If I said now it would be bad for my career, but I didn't want to say yes. It's so far away from what I'm comfortable with.

Got out of there fairly quick, raced to Chiro then back home to grab my stuff and hit the gym. Did a brief warmup before core training, then the hour was very full of situps!!! I certainly felt stronger this time around but I'm not sure if that's because I ate all that for lunch. Afterwords I jumped on the elliptical for another 30min.

Dinner of soup and veggies and washing it all down with tea right now. I'm desperatly trying to not snack on anything. I've eaten 900 cals and burned 400 for cardio only. Without that stupid lunch and the damn timbit I ate first thing I'd be 500 cals and able to have the rice cake I'm dying for. I also didn't add in the bit of nutella I ate and the 4 chips with salsa. I'm the same weight now as I was last night, so hopefully I can at least hit what I was this morning... Oh yeah, something arrived a whole 5 days early.... fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

Numbers: 145.7lbs this morning (YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!! First time I've been 145.? in years!!!). I have to be under 146.9 for the 5lbs, and 144.9 to keep with the 10lbs plan. I'm worried I might be over the 10lbs plan a fair bit. I may only hit 145.5 or so. I'm higher on the goals for the 12 and 15lb plans.

Food tomorrow is going to be a bit tough. My day starts with an early chiro appt, then work. So, the usual tea for breakfast, with yoghurt and salad for lunch (100 cals) then once home to change, a snack (rice cake...45cals) and take soup to job 2. If I take water and a vitamin water, along with the soup I should be less than 300 cals. This way if I splurge and eat a piece of pizza or something it will still keep me below 800. No exercise though, no time.

However, on the flip side I've got training on Saturday. Should I eat Friday night and hope the usual happens on Sat morn then go super light on Saturday? I'm hoping to go for a ride again on Sunday, if not hit the gym at least. Rather go for a ride, and make it a looooong one!!! It's all I'll do until Tuesday and in the middle I've got that damn dinner, however, I could technically go either to the gym or on a ride Monday morning as I don't work until 10:30am. Depends on how sore I am after Saturday....

Now my friend wants me to go over there after work tomorrow. It will be good if I'm off early and can't eat, if she has no snacks.

Fuck this can get complicated at times....

It's still working!!!

146.0 this morning, another 1.2lbs. I slept in later again, up in time for work though, but still very tired. Work was ok. Didn't get much done, but did get lots done. Tomorrow I've blocked off a bunch of time so I'm hoping that while I'm not in my PDG I can have some time to catch up.

Sold the old laptop!!! $200 back to me!! I'm paying it back on the card tomorrow so no fun with that money. I'm hoping this weekend is good for driving also, the cash will help buy the bass, or pay off the card. I haven't really decided what I was saving that money for, but we'll see how the bonus turns out. Also gotta file last years taxes asap and pay those off :(

Gym tonight. Ran for 20 min and felt horrible. Did some leg work and arms then on the elliptical for only 10 mins. I felt tired at the end, and my legs feel tired. Tomorrow is going to be a dash to get to the gym, chiro is at 5:20 and I'll have to go straight there to warm up (depending on how long the appointment takes) before core training, then maybe some light weights and cooldown after. That's it until Saturday.

Tomorrow is the visit and I have no idea what to do for meals. I'm going to take salad and yoghurt as usual but I don't know if I'll be taken out for lunch or not. I have to go, I was informed last time that it is very bad for me not to go on business lunches. There are a few places we go frequently, and I have a plan of things I can eat, depending on how hungry I am. There's a salad at once place that is really high in protein, a soup at another place that is absolutly delicious and low cal and I'm hoping it's one of those. If its the soup place I may have some pasta too. Just do a soup and pasta order then only eat half the pasta. That should be the daily amount, then once core is over just have soup for dinner and veggies. A bit higher cal day but I should be able to balance it out fairly well.

Stuck mostly to the plan today, I think I snacked a bit more than I thought, but it still wasn't too bad. 700 or so cals with a net of 400. Would have been better without the nutella and popcorn. I think once this jar of nutella is gone I can't buy anymore, same goes for the licorice. I just love them too much. This popcorn is different too. There's much less of it so I think I'll switch back to the other stuff. This way I can eat the same but only 50 cals, or feel more full with 100 cals.

Trying not to think too much about the weekend and food. I've got to drive 2 nights, so one I'll probably cave and eat something, and then there's the turkey dinner. I plan on eating and enjoying the turkey dinner, but not going crazy. I will enjoy the desert and chip dip, and eat moderatly for dinner. If it's Sunday, I'll go for a ride in the morning and fast until then. If it's Monday, I'll fast on Sunday/Monday.

Numbers: Below the 5lbs goal by 1.2lbs. I think I should have this one licked by now!! .04lbs over the 10lb plan. I have to lose 0.7lbs from this morning to tomorrow morning to catch up. 1.4lbs for the 12lb and 2.4 for the 15lb. I figured that if I can do another 1.2 lbs tonight, then average between .5 and .7lb/day loss, I should hit the 15lb goal by Sunday. Also halfway until the next weigh in, and 2lbs away from 'S's goal minimum weight.

I need sleep. Must turn off TV and go read before bed....

Making the list the night before seems to be helping. I've stuck to it 2 days in a row!

Slept in a bit this morning so no yoga, but didn't have to deal with the hair seeing as it was still in perfect fauxhawk position when I woke up!!! Work sucked. I was just so exhausted for the first little bit, however I now have a car starter installed!!! I always said I would never get one, but I'm fed up of freezing all winter long and that was with an extra 40 or so pounds of fat.

I waited until 1pm to eat the salad as I needed the boost by that point. The yoghurt was eaten around 3:30, and I only managed 3-4 cups water by 5pm when I left. Once home I had the cottage cheese and cucumber mix before trying to crash on the couch for 30min. Didn't work too well so I headed out to the gym. Ran for 18mins on the treadmill, 1min more than last time. I should be able to do 20mins tomorrow.

For training we were going to finish up arms and do the back also, but on the first exercise he decided to concentrate on how my shoulder joints liked to click, and snap loudly. We tried a variety of things, including him poking me and putting tension on my joints while I continued to haul on the weights. They don't hurt when they snap but he thinks it's something to do with the stinkin rotator cuffs. However, all of that pansying around meant we didn't get to the back, which was probably a good thing. Doing the bicep curls we went to 12.5lbs, then down to 10, 7.5, 5 then doing a different machine. Once back to the bicep curls, my arms weren't burning, but I was tired. I knew I was kinda quiet and not chatting or laughing as usual, I just felt so tired. When we finished for the day we went to the office where we booked a few more appointments and I tried not to fall asleep. I could feel my eye lids getting heavy and he joked about me going home and going to bed. He asked when I ate, I said 430, but it was actually closer to 5... he said that was too long, so go eat then bed and to have a good night.

I couldn't even go upstairs to do some more cardio, I was just so weary. Grabbed my sweater and went to chill in my car. Grabbed milk, cottage cheese, soup and resisted the bread at the grocery store, then came home. After showering had veggies with black bean sauce (yummy!!! and only 10cals!!!) then eggs, plus a rice cake.

I ate 600 cals, maybe a bit over, and burned 175 on the treadmill (not including the training session) so around 400 total. I was 147.2 this morning, thank goodness, but I need to lose another large number tonight.

For the numbers, I'm under the 5lb plan by 0.2lbs. Finally getting somewhere! I'm over the 10lb plan by 1.2lbs but if I lose 1.6lbs today I'll hit the goal tomorrow. Not going to happen barring a miracle, but if I keep pushing like the past 2 days I should hit it friday morning at the latest and be back on track finally. The numbers are going down again. Only 2.6lbs over the goal for 15lbs. Down from 4.1. I can do this.

I'm trying not to think to far ahead for food. Can't focus on the weekend or on the family dinner. Just one day at a time.

Tomorrow, tuna on the salad again, with yoghurt. I'm working a later shift so I'll probalby have an extra yoghurt with me for the morning. Salad is 85 cals, tea is 10cals, 2 yoghurts at 35 each, puts me at 165 by 530pm. I need to hit the gym after, hoping for around 630 to be there. Run for 20 mins, light weights on arms and some leg work, then elliptical. Try for 90min, then home to shower and eat. For dinner, thinking italian wedding soup for 120cals and veggies with bean sauce again, with popcorn as a snack. 330 total there, so overall 500 cals or so. Plus what I burn.

Eggs have to be eaten by Saturday, so I'll eat some on Thursday night, and if there's some left finish them on Sat morning. Thursday is going to be busy. Got the PDG, then Chiro at 520, then gotta hit the gym to warm up and then core at 630. Going to have to take the gym stuff with me on Thursday. Also not sure on what's happening for lunch, depends on how the visit goes.

This all seems crazy. My entries have gotten so long, but this is the shit that's in my head. These are the conversations that I have with myself so why not put them down here.

So tired, read then bed.....

Somedays the scales really do suprise me...

Despite the overdose of candy last night I hit 148.8lbs this morning. 0.1lbs less than I was last monday. I'm a week behind, but back on track I hope.

Today was a good day!!! I drowned in tea first thing, went to the bank then the library, then off to work. I only ate my salad, didn't have the soup or yoghurt I brought with me. I did eat 4 of the marshmallows for 40cals total, then half of a Banana's a whey smoothie so I got some protein and potassium. I ate 3 m&m's I was given and then had 2 of these amazing candies. Kinda like the eclair candies but I chewed them for a fair bit before spitting them out. They were 32cals each, so I figure mayble 30cals total seeing as I didn't swallow at least half of each. Once I got home I've had 4 chips with salsa and a rice cake (I needed to take my multivitamin) and tea. All amounting to less than 400 cals. Had I worked out today, I'd be in the negative, and I probably wouldn't have had a 200cals shake. Seems to be my monday treat, but I need to curb that. I should only have that shake on mondays where I've had training and am closing.

Tomorrow, tea for breakfast, followed quickly by plenty of water. I should have no problem downing the first 4 cups by 2pm and by then maybe a yoghurt. At 2pm, I'll have my steriod salad, running me about 100 cals for that ( so 140cals at this point) and am off at 430. Race home to grab cottage cheese with cucumber but only half what I usually eat (60 cals, making it 200) and having some crystal light and water. Then the gym by 615 (he was right, my email said 7pm... bah, no yoga), training ending at 8pm with some more cardio. Get home and have brocolli and sprouts, maybe 50 cals (250 total) and possibly some scrambled eggs (protein!!! and only 60 cals. ) I would like to be less than 400 cals tomorrow which if I do the running pre training, and elliptical post training, that should put me at 400 cals, not including the hour I'll spend doing weights.

I'm excited for what the scales will say tomorrow. By the numbers I'm behind. On the 5lb plan I have to hit 147.4 to be on target, which Im hoping to hit. After that it gets really easy to pass those goals. Just gotta catch up to the others. The 10lbs goal needs me at 146.0 tomorrow (not going to happen) but 145.6 on Weds. Its only a drop of 0.36lbs per day, so if I can drop 1lb tonight, then another 1lb tues night and weds night, I can catch up. The 15lbs plan might be out of reach, but if I stick to it over the weekend I should have no problem catching up. Its going to be the trip north and the stupid turkey dinner that hits me.

Im focused again, I have a plan and will stick to it.

I feel awesome!!!!

148.9lbs this morning, back on track.

Hit the road and went for a 1hr, 25km bike ride. It felt glorious, despite the headwind on the way back. Showered briefly and headed out to Walmart, library and grocery shopping. Overcame the urge to buy cheese bread to gorging on the candy I bought.

'D' came over and we did my hair, took 4-5 hours coz we had to bleach bits, then redye. It looks aweomse but I ate soooo much. Then I went to work and PIGGED out on candy all night long. Once home I ate rice cakes and chips and salsa and while I feel full and sick I could eat more.

But this is one night. I can and will get through this.

Tonight I will make a bracelet, just a simple braided one of brown with a strand of red. I will use it to remind me of this past week and how I've stayed the same weight from lack of focus. I must focus tomorrow. I will wake up and see what the scales say. If needed I will either go for a ride, or hit the gym. (also depends on how sore I am.) I will have a yoghurt for breakfast and tea, followed by plenty of water. I will take a light salad to work, with another yoghurt and soup. As always, tea when I get there, followed by more water. When I get home, more liquids.

Tuesday I will have yoghurt for breakfast with the 'steroid' salad (with tuna and flax seed for the protein) and take something for a light snack later on. I have training at 7pm (even though I'm sure I asked for 8...) so hitting the gym around 6-615. I think I'll run to warm up again as last time was awesome!

Watching a movie with a gorgeously thin Jennifer Aniston in it.... I wish I had those knees!!

I'm going over the blog that got me going, looking for some inspiration.

I need it.

Finally going in the right direction. 149.9lbs this morning!!!!

Got up later than I wanted (about 2 hours) but just skipped the yoga. Chiro was interesting. A whole lot of info, and part of me still thinks it's a bunch of bs. I've been signed up for some workshop (that may need a partner so I'm not asking anyone...) on the 16th, day I wanted to head north for the weekend.... It runs for an hour so I'm not sure how this is going to work. I have the friday off so maybe I'll do training then, the chiro on Sat then just leave right after.

Anyways, she said that I need to take a multimineral and ask my trainer to decrease my load while my muscles get used to things shifting. She said it will cause pain otherwise, but I'm not worrying about that. I can't decrease the load, I need as much as possible to burn more!!!

Went to check out new running shirts but they didn't have many short sleeved ones, and not much selection. I'll wait till I've dropped more weight and need pants too. That should be around 140. (which unless I've really fucked up, I should hit with 3 of the 4 plans....)\

Gym was great. I jumped on the treadmill and ran for a solid 17min!!! Longest ever!!!! Have to try for 18 next time and just keep going up that way. I think when I do it in sets I get tired quicker. Finished and ran downstairs where 'S' was chatting with someone. When he turned around he joked about not being ready and needing to go to his locker and went to poke me in the side I think? It was kinda wierd. I mean, he's so far into my bubble that I should be used to it but it still makes me jump at times.

We started off on the bench with the bar raise. I thnk we did 4 sets and I have to remember to lower over my chest, not my throat. Did some more pec work then onto triceps as he stated we were going to wear them out today. I struggled with the kickback thingies again, so he gave me a bar to try. That went quite well and again, still trying to drop if over my throat. Tried another exercise but my shoulder joint just won't hold my arm in place. I think I've figured it out as the other arm worked wonderfully, so I just have to ask him next session if he can 'hold' my shoulder joint in place while I try. Did some wall push ups and the one really hurt my wrist, followed by crunches and a straight arm plank.

I don't hurt yet, but I know that can change by morning!!!

Driving was good. Didn't have as good a weekend as last time, but made enough to pay for the hair tomorrow. I ate like a pig though. I felt so sick but it didnt' stop me from shoving it down my throat as fast as I can, or sharing desert with Ryan.

Tomorrow, get up by 8am and have tea, then after waiting a respectable amount of time, go for a ride. Depending on wind I'll either go out west, or head south. It's supposed to be fairly nice.... Then after I would like to hit the library and Walmart for candy for the meeting tonight. Then hair at 1pm, and at some point I've got to hit the grocery store. Meeting ends at 9pm, so home and chill before bed. I'm hoping I can get by on very little tomorrow. Maybe something with the tea like yoghurt, then a rice cake when I get back. A light snack before the meeting and then broccoli after. Haven't had veggies for about a week so I need a good dose, maybe it'll help some of the 'issues' I've had this week.

Should be a busy day.....