That episode of American Dad is still haunting me.... I think about it every time I go in front of a mirror. It completely took me by suprise, I was just as shocked as Stan, believing the entire time that his family was sabotaging him. Instead it's his own warped mind seeing himself get fatter as in reality he wasted away.

I see that in me, every day, it's there on my mind.

I can't see a difference. I know there is one. 45lbs is a lot of difference for a number. That's almost a quarter of my previous body weight. The pants I wore when I was 175 to the concert are so big they fall right off, won't even hang on my hips. My dress pants that I remember busting out of are sitting in a pile to be donated as it's the very same issue. I've gone from a 34 to a 30, a size 13/14 to a size 9/10, and when I look in the mirror all I see is the same fat thighs, big ass, flab around my stomach, the fat around my upper arms and my huge calves. I don't see me any differently.

True, I can see some things a bit differently. My fingers look skinnier, my wrists are smaller, the muscles in my forearms stand out a bit more, there's definatly some muscle development in the biceps, shoulders and a tiny bit in the triceps, I am starting to see shadows of my ribs at the very top of my chest and my favourite, the hint of a dimple when I smile.

But is it enough?

I talked to my boss a bit today after talking to my former boss. I guess in the last 2 major visits I've freaked a few people out. What I can't see, they're seeing to the extreeme. They aren't seeing me for a month at a time and suddenly it's hit them. They've been asking questions, they thought I was ill, want to know if I'm doing this properly (and for all they know I am, mostly coz 'G' doesn't give a fuck about anyone else to notice that I barely eat, or what it is that I'm eating...) and hearing them both say that gave me a crazy thrill.

So what now? I'm 145.9lbs as of this morning. Realisitcally I'm right at 'S's goal. I can lose 5lbs more max under his guidance and concentrate on eating right, getting the protein and calcium, maintaining the weight, but building the muscle and becomming healthy.

Or I can keep doing what I'm doing, dedicate myself to it, allow myself to believe what my eyes are showing me and not what my mind is telling me. I can pass 145.0, get down to 140.0 and keep going, see how far down I can get. The goal in mind, 117.... for now.... and I could do it by Xmas, or early January, just in time for moving and starting at the new place with a new team. I'll deal with those that comment as time goes by, and at some point I'll have to deal with 'S' as much as I'll hate to stop working with him, when I move I'll have to anyways. Then a new city with a trainer who won't know my past or what I looked like at 165.0.

While I've had this debate I've gone through a day of work, one hour of yoga, one hour of core training, then an evening with the guys. I haven't gone in ages but I wanted to tonight. Besides, I have to indulge every once in a while, help stave off the binges. I did go a little nuts with the candy earlier, but I was so tired. I was exhausted. I could feel fatigue in my muscles, especially my legs. Hence I didn't push for too much cardio today. Saw 'S' after Yoga as I ran to the bathroom, and I'm pretty sure I spotted him peeking through the window during the core class. Yoga was a relaxation class, different but probably better for me today. Core was the usual and while there's definatly improvement in there, there's still the damn plank.

I seriously love going to the gym. I look forward to the training, the classes and just getting on the treadmill or the elliptical and going... I'm at 23 minutes running, and 3 months ago I could barely do 4 minutes. I'll be up to 30 minutes soon, hopefully by the end of the month. Just keep taking it up a notch.

Tomorrow is a glorious day off. Sleep a bit later (like 8am or something....) have a pot of tea (just like saturday mornings) and head out. Gonna go see a man about a bass, and hopefully buy one, then hit Chapters to browse books, go talk to the dentist, chiro before noon, then work in between to get some shit done. Training at 2, so gym at 1:15 or so, then home to shower before driving.

Not sure if I'll stay at 145 in the morning... it really depends on how things go from what I ate tonight (salad and cheese toast.... both were delightful!!!!) but I'll still be under all the new goals. However, those will get tough to keep up with pretty soon. This weekend may do some damage....

If of course I decide to stay this course.