150.2 this morning.

Need to get back on track. My poor stomach was so hungry today. I had to stagger my lunch and even that wasn't satisfying, and I had my salad on steroids!!!! (tuna with salad and flax seeds). Tomorrow is just salad and yoghurt, no tuna, tea and water. When driving, just water and juice, maybe a 10calorie soup. Come home have soup and maybe some cottage cheese for dinner (just coz of saturday's training. I may need that protein) Then Saturday, a yoghurt in the morning (otherwise I'll drop during trianing) then tea, soup, water etc all night. NO PIZZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've had enough for this weigh in period. Sunday, tea to begin the day, see how long I can go without food, and eat something light for dinner, maybe another soup night, and that's it again. Go Monday as long as possible, but maybe a booster juice in the evening. Protein will be good by that point!!! I have to eat something Monday night, then Tuesday go light again. Tuesday night is training after yoga, then probably no training until Sat.

I'm hoping Sunday will be nice enough to go out on the bike. A nice long ride will be good before not doing anything on Monday. Got that stupid meeting on Sunday night, and I'm hoping to get my hair dyed too....

I'm well over my goals at the moment. The 5lb goal I'm over by 1.9lbs and the 15lb goal over by 2.9lbs. I need to be under 150 tomorrow and the 5lbs goal is 148.1. 146.7lbs is the 15lbs number for tomorrow and there's no way I can hit that. By Monday morning I need to be at 146.3 to hit the 10lb goal, and 145.1 for the 15lbs goal. 5lbs in 4 days. If I manage not to eat much over the next few days and stick to this plan I'll hit it. Just say fuck off to the protein, and avoid food as much as possible.

I feel calmer. I don't want the sweets as bad as I did yesterday. I feel like I can say no, and did all day. I feel inadequate from the core class where I struggled to keep up and do the exercises, but as I drop the weight it'll get easier.

C'mon morning. Gimme something good!!!

Fat Fuck

That's me today.

148.8.

I can't drop the weight.

I got up at 6am and hit the gym. I was suprised at how quiet it was!!! Did 25min on the elliptical plus arms (biceps, triceps and pecs) before heading home. Even cooked scrambled eggs after showering and made a salad loaded with tuna for lunch! Work was work, I almost caved halfway through the day and ate a bag of chips, but I stayed strong. Then while getting xrays I noticed that the top of my chest, the flat part above my boobs, when I stand straight i can see the definition of my ribs starting to show. That was pretty incredible. Pity I couldn't remember that for the rest of the day.

On my way home I stopped at Safeway for cottage cheese, egg beaters, yoghurt, salad mix and ended up walking out with cheese bread and a cookie too. I made the leftover soup then ate the cheese bread dipped in cottage cheese, chasing it down with the cookie. I felt gross. The soup should have been more than enough, but I still should have been around 1000 cals for the day. Went over to a friends house and while I craved food, I only had water. On the way home I caved.

Stopped at Safeway again and bought a pack of sugar coated mini donuts and the chocolate truffle cupcakes I was so fascinated with on Sunday night. I'd eaten half the donuts by the time I got home. I had another few donuts before tossing them, then started in on one of the cupcakes. Fortunatly it wasn't that good so I didn't eat the whole thing, and spat out a bunch. Tossed the rest.

That needs to be it. No more binging now. I can't afford it any longer. I'm going to top 150 tomorrow, I can feel it. I feel like all of this food has gone right to my ass, I swear my jeans feel tight, my flattening stomach is sticking out. Last month I was on vacation for 5 days and ate like a pig. With a holiday around food and inventory this month I can't afford any more fuckups.

Tomorrow it's back to Salad and Yoghurt (though adding the tuna for the protein) then going straight to the gym after work. 730 ends the class, so at least 8pm or 830 by the time I leave, then maybe some cottage cheese with cucumber for dinner, and some eggs or soup. I should have a negative or very close to, day tomorrow. Friday, just salad and yoghurt, and take one of those tuna salads driving in case I feel the need to pig out. Saturday I have chiro and will find out the results of the xrays, then training. After that NO FOOD for saturday night, and sunday. Try to go out for a ride on Sunday, then dinner with some salmon or something Sunday night (I actually don't have training on Monday so I theoretically could go most of monday sans food also. Start eating Monday night or Tuesday morning...) By tues I need to be 144 to be back on track. That's 6lbs if I hit 150 tomorrow. I should drop 3lbs very quickly if I stick to this...

I don't want to say it, but I'm thinking it.... Ana, come back!!!! I miss you!!!!

I'm still messed up from yesterday.

Work sucked and they fed me candy. 'M' is kind of the candy conossieur at work and I was part of it, so today he had candied blackcurrant jelly things from Denmark and gave me one. I couldn't say no without running out of the lunch room and offending him, so I ate it. The outside was all sugar. I don't want to know what the nutritional information was. I ate the usual, but added that bean salad coz it needed to be eaten.

I skipped out to hit the suppliment store and get some protein powder, and $80 later I had some, but omg it is horrible. I almost hurled. I couldn't get it down!!! It's green and while it faintly smells of vanilla, it's absolutely foul. It doesn't disolve properly so it's thick and gross. I thought I was going to puke all over the place.

Hit the gym and only did 15 min on the elliptical before the hour of yoga. I think it felt easier but I wasn't in the mood to push myself. Came home and did some ab work (3 sets of 40 situps plus some ball work) and then forced a dose of the protein powder in. If I mix it properly and chug it it isn't quite as horrible. I still gagged.

I can still taste it. I can still smell it. Anything has to be better than that.

I looked at high protein foods. It's chicken, tuna, salmon, cottage cheese (bleck!), lean meats etc. I could eat the tuna and cottage cheese, but eggs seems to be the way to go for calories.

I'm not going to hit 135g of protein a day. If I try I will have to abandon the thought of dropping 15lbs this month.

I'm stuck. I can either follow 'S's plan and bump up what I'm eating to around 1500 calories to see if I can hit 100g or protein or higher. I can go nuts and see what slow weight loss will do plus gaining muscle. I'll drop the fat pounds and gain muscle.

Or I can abandon this and just eat as much protein as I can get, but keep with the restriction, basically keep doing what I did last month, but be stricter. Do what I did the last 2 weeks, drop that 15lbs and hit 135 by the next weigh in. I can't imagine what 'S' will say but hopefully with the weight trianing I can avoid dropping too much muscle mass, and try to keep the protein as high as possible, but lots of cardio and low sugar.

I want to restrict. I want to drop that weight and get closer to that 117 goal. Besides if I get there by January I may move after and can deal with the muscle gain and eating right then.

I've got to get my mind back in the game. It's become ok for me to eat like crazy and disregard some of my rules. I'm all blocked up right now and it will be 3 days tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm supposed to have a friend over, if she comes over. We'll have treats as always, but I'll just go with salad and dressing for lunch and yoghurt. I should go to bed now and get my ass up at 6am to hit the gym. Do some cardio etc until 730 then come home to get ready for work. This way I can still hit the gym, and hang out without feeling too guilty, otherwise I won't do anything.

To keep on the 15lb plan I have to be 147.8lbs. That's 1.1lbs less than I was this morning, so I'm not going to hit it. If I could only go to the bathroom I'm sure that will help!!! I want to do liquids only but realisticly I can't. If my friend comes over tomorrow I'll eat with her, then if I go liquids only on Thursday I'll die during my core class.... but I could do it anyways and break the fast Friday evening in time for Saturday morning training. I just don't want to actually pass out, and at least pretend that I can keep up. Or I can fast Saturday and Sunday except fuck it it's supposed to rain again on Sunday... Can I ever go out on the bike? I need to be 146 by the weekend.

I'll just play it by ear.

Fuck did this ever screw with everything. I need to get my focus back. NOW!!!!

2 month check in....

Didn't go quite as I wanted it.

Last time we did it at the end of the workout, this time at the beginning. I'd gone nuts on the treadmill for 35 min beforehand so I'm sure that helped. His scale clocked me at 151.9. I was 148.9 this morning. I'm going to guess 3lbs on average gets added for clothes (plus all the water I'd drunk). He's got me at an 8lb loss. Not nearly as good as I wanted.

Then he said bad and good news, but the bad news wasn't too bad. 6lbs was fat, 2lbs was muscle. So I've lost 2lbs muscle, which isn't good. He had me do the BMI and BF% thing, but I can't remember the numbers. I think 24.? BMI and BF of somewhere around 27%? Then came the measuring tape. I managed to remember most of the measurements he took but not so much what they were last month. I've lost .5" on my neck which isn't great. He said my neck isn't fat, it's muscle so that's an indication I've lost muscle around my neck and upper body. I've lost on my bust again, I think an inch (?) but as last time I'm not too concerned about that, and stayed the same at the waist (30.5.... I must suck it in pretty good when he takes the measurement). I've lost on the hips, but only an inch, and lost .5 inch on my thigh and he said only I'd know if it was muscle or fat. I'm sure I've lost fat there as my legs are definatly starting to look more toned. Calf finally dropped .5" which is muscle but they're fuckin huge anyways. Forearm and bicep have lost less than an inch (.25 for the forearm) but he said that could be water as it's such a little amount.

He certainly didn't sound as pleased as last time. He figured out some stuff and told me to increase my protein intake. He wants me to hit 135g protein per day!!!!

Holy Fuck!!!

I mean, right now I barely hit 30g protein per day, I have no idea how I'm going to quadruple that.... I can't do it by eating. He stated it's as simple as a glass of skim milk and a chicken breast is 35g, good for one meal. There's no way I can eat like that.

He looked over my goals and 140-145lbs is what he thinks is ideal for me. Theoretically by the end of October I should have no problem being in his goal range and well on my way to being healthy and eating to match my training.

But I'm not sure I want that anymore.

Back to training, and today was hard. We spent longer than he thought doing the measurements so we had to push a bit. Hamstrings and quads on the big machine, thought my poor legs were going to fall apart. Then the hamstring curls and I can't keep my damn toes pointed, but he seemed distracted. Wasn't yelling at me to keep my damn toes pointed. Doing the calf press though my knees started to buckle. I'd been up since 8am, had tea and water only, and had been feeling a little shaky and dizzy since the quad workout. He made a comment about low blood sugar and I asked what the symptoms were. Dizzy, nautious and shaky. So check on the dizzy, check on the nautious so I held up my hand to show him steady hands. At least I certainly hoped they were steady. That exercise just about killed me, then we went onto the other quad one, the one I hate so much. 18reps at 55lbs and I almost died. He ended up hauling back on my shoulders to stop me from leaning forward to help my poor legs. We ended it there, out of time and skipping the abs to my glee.

But that's not the point. I need the pain, I need to be pushed. I need to stop resisting when he tells me as he'll get frustrated with me and this won't be effective, or fun for either of us.

I need that damn protein without the calories.

So, I've done some looking and calling. I think I'm going to try protein powder. I found a place that sells a vegan version. I wanted vegan so I don't have to risk mixing it with milk. They say it goes with water and on the website it's 110cals per shake, and 26g protein. It won't get me to 135, but it will get me much higher than what I'm currently eating. If I average 20-30g from food, add in at least one of these shakes a day, that's 46-56g. A huge improvement, almost half. If I have to, add in a second shake on exercise days. Yeah, it's 110 cals but I have to try it. There's vanilla and berry.... it's $70.... better be fucking worth it.

All day all I've thought about is this. I can't stop thinking about protein, the lack of weight loss, the muscle loss, the miserable weigh in today..... I binged. I thought about it yesterday and today I let it happen.

I ate a fish and fries with diet coke from McDicks. It tasted soooooooooo good. I then ate almost an entire bag of maltesers. I spent the entire evening thinking about what I was going to buy at the grocery store after. Once I got there I bought a vanilla slice, carrot cake slice and pumpkin pie. I wanted those chocolate cupcakes, and the peacan pies but couldn't justify how expensive they were.

I ran home (think I passed him on my way....) and changed, desperate to start eating. I stuffed that entire vanilla slice in my mouth in record time, then began on the cake. A few bites of pie and less than half of the slice of cake and I was done...

Overall a disaster, but it could have been worse. I was planning on waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more so perhaps this was better. I'm done now, I should be good and strong for a while.

My first binge. I even tried to puke but gagged and nothing came up.

Now to look forward.

I've done math, I've made a new chart (and fuck it looks pretty. Neat writing, perfect lines, all empty waiting to be filled.) and got some goals.

Every day I need to not only grab my weight, but also BF lbs and BF %. While I'm at it I'll grab my BMI. I just need to make sure I'm dropping the BFlbs and track how much so I don't get into trouble and lose too much muscle.

I've got 28 days. The BHAG is 15lbs. That will put me at 134.0. Below his goal, but my lowest weight in well over 10 years, and I'll look amazing for that conference I'm not supposed to know is happening and I may be presenting at. If I can do that by Oct 25th, the next weigh in, then drop another 12lbs by Nov 22nd, that will put me at 122. BMI will be 20.3 at that point and I should be looking pretty damn good. The next weigh in will happen on Dec 20th. That's going to be crazy for me with work, but at least it hits before Xmas. If I just drop a mere 5lbs in that month I will be a beautiful 117lbs, BMI of 19.5. Barely above that magical 18.5. I will look gorgeous for Xmas, amazing for the new year, and only 6lbs left until 18.5.

So here's the plans for October. There's 4 of them on the chart. 5lbs is the minimum, 10 then 12 are acceptable but the big one is 15lbs. To hit that I have to lose 0.5lbs per day. Really not that bad. The difference between the 10lb and 15lb plan is .2lbs per day. Really not that much. If I can only stick to this plan for 28 whole days I'll be turning heads.

I ate too much today. The 15lb goal is to be at 148.3 tomorrow. I'm hoping I'm still under 150.0 but I can make it up. I will make it up. I have to make it up.

Tomorrow's the big day.... And I've fucked it up beautifully.

I was 148.2 this morning, and as the day's gone by I've gained to 150.2lbs. I think I've had about 400 calories, and according to a few websites the broth soup and popcorn should help things move through quicker. I need that pasta to be gone!!! Problem is, I don't know if it has or not. I don't think it moved through in 12hrs, so hopefully tomorrow morning will prove me right...

I'm trying not to do any reflecting tonight as I'll be doing that tomorrow, once I have my weigh in numbers.

Well, today didn't turn out as planned. Was really windy and I didn't even want to go out and ride up and down the hill. I was still sore from yesterday and thought why not take a day off. I hung around the house, did all the cleaning, and then hit walmart and safeway.

While at Safeway I had to get some tea, which is of course in the bakery section. Walking by I had to look at all the delicious things they have out there. I picked up so many things and looked at the nutritional information on them, trying not to salivate too much. I had an evil thought. Why don't I have one day where I binge. A planned binge if you will. One night where I can eat whatever I want.

There's problems with that. I read on the forum that one binge can add 7lbs. That's a hell of a lot, even if it does come out mostly a day or so later. So far in August there was nothing to really go nuts about, in September it was San Francisco/Oakland, which I survived (same as England.... Camping however really fucked me up a bit). In October there's already 2 things, and maybe a third. There's thanksgiving, then inventory, and possibly a trip to Calgary.

I want those foods. I want the cake, the crazy truffle looking cupcakes, the pecan pies, donuts, butter pan roll, chips with the seafood dip, chocolate, cheesecake and vanilla slices. I would sit down, and maybe have a McDonalds fish meal while I was at it, and eat and eat and eat. Eat till I was ready to puke, but I can't. I'll lick my fingers, lick the plate, lick the container it came in, go to bed feeling like I'm ready to burst, full of sugar and wake up the next day full of regret.

I've planned a day already. Thursday, right after core training. As soon as I'm done I'll head to the grocery store, pile my basket full and go home to be a glutton. I don't have training again until Saturday. That gives me Friday to not eat anything, give my poor system time to get through what I just did to it. It'll be a day of 10,000 calories. One glorious feast.

But as others have pointed out, why undo all the work I just did? Why plan on a binge and allow myself to do this as next time it will just be easier to make the excuses. Plus, the next 3 months are going to be binge enticing as it is. There's all of October, then November with a possible conference, the turkey dinner up north, and then Christmas. I'll need every ounce I can cut.

I can't. I can't have a huge binge. Maybe I'll have one cake or something. I'll use it as a reward for reaching a goal.... that sounds better. When I break 145 I can have a cupcake, or a cookie or something. Then at 140 I can have a piece of cake, or some seafood dip or something.

That sounds more reasonable.....?

I won't hit my goal tomorrow, it's just not going to happen. I like the 'plans' I've made up over the last month and will continue with that so that's one good thing from September.

What will tomorrow bring....

I feel gross.... I just ate half a mac 'n' cheese.

Today started off good. That damn sleep alarm clock woke me up 20minutes early ( I'm still not entirely sure how it's supposed to work ) so I went back to sleep. Woke up a bit groggy still and went to the chiropractor.

She's great!!! I've never seen a female with the intention of coming back for anything. Male trianer, male doctor, my old chiropractor was male... Am I sexist against my own sex? She asked a few questions, admired my tattoos and stayed well away from food questions. She seemed very relieved that I was only there for maintaining health not for immediate pain relief. However, once she started poking around she made a few comments. Apparently my lower back is swollen and she's concerned about my neck. She's sending me for x-rays before they do anything else, which is freaking me out a bit. I guess richosheying my head off the wall back in March did something.

Hit walmart for some scrubbies and walked out with an armload of DVD's as well. I want to go back and check out that coat. If I can get into a medium and make it look good with my work clothes I think I'll have to get one. $40 is too good a price to miss!!!

I came home and nibbled on beans, yoghurt and rice cakes. I was just so tired, I fell asleep on the couch for half an hour. Woke up and ran to the gym (not literally!!!), and once there jumped on the treadmill for a bit. I managed 13min uninterrupted!!! That done, ran downstairs to begin the 60min training.

He was tired today, and I think he said hypoglycemic and his mood was all over the place. He was almost frustrated at one point I think. I'm trying but i'm tired, I'm weak. There's only so much I can do especially as I've been driving myself too much this past week. But I must work harder. I've got to improve. I've got to step it up at home and not give up at the gym. The weigh in is in 2 days. In 2 days I will know how much I've lost, how much is fat, how many inches, and what he thinks of it. I'm hoping for him to be excited, but a small part of me wants him to ask questions.

I know what my eating habits are doing to my strength advancements. It's a struggle to build muscle, but right now I don't care. I was 147.1lbs this morning, 146.6 post workout. I may still hit 145 by Monday morning.

After I went to work and it was awesome. Slow at first, but picked up nicely. I've got enough to put some away for that bass, and some for a coat. Now I'm googling sites for snowboards and skis. If I move in the winter I'll think about new equipment then. For now I'll wait till the swap. I really want a new road bike instead.

From driving tonight, i ate some of a pzone, (maybe just over a quarter) a piece of pizza 'S' made me, and then I came home with that damn mac 'n' cheese. I didn't eat it all, if that's any saving grace, but I still ate a lot of it. I'm scared to get back on the scale to see where I ended up but I must. I'm hoping I can at least break even with this morning's weight tomorrow, if not crack 146.

Tomorrow's plan is to go for a long bike ride, and I'm hoping it's not too windy. If it is I'll just do a few laps of the hill which will be good interval training, and a really good workout!!! Come back and do some situps (as he was really pushing me for those!!! It was kinda wierd. I did 30 then he had me do 10 fast with him shouting at me while I did them, me trying to keep up.) Do some core strengthening and then get the cleaning done. Hit walmart for that coat, and chill at home. I doubt 'T' will call. I still doubt his intentions, but I'll fire him an email in case.

I must burn off the mac 'n' cheese tomorrow. I must hit that goal. I'm so close.

I'm getting there!!! 148.1lbs this morning. That was below the .8 plan goal, and barely above the .96 goal. The 1.1 plan is out of reach I think...

But I'm kinda freaking out. My body fat % keeps jumping all over the place. 2 days ago it was 28%, tonight it was 32%, and 44lbs of body fat. Looking back (I can't believe some of those numbers... 175!!! Was that really 30lbs ago!!!!????!!!!) at the end of August, I was 155.7lbs with 29.5%body fat which was 45.9lbs according to my scale. Tonight I'm almost 10lbs lighter, but only lost 2lbs of fat. I have to see what the morning is, then the number post workout as end of a day where I didn't drink enough water perhaps isn't the best reading.

I'm worried that on Monday when the weigh in happens, I'm going to end up with some bad numbers. I'm almost expecting to hear I've lost 10lbs, but 8lbs muscle, and 2lbs fat, which is not what I want. I'm trying to drop the fat, gain the muscle. The working out is supposed to help that!!! Plus, if I drop like that will he start asking more questions? Last time it was great job, keep it up. I don't want to be asked about my eating habits etc.

Speaking of which, first chiropractic tomorrow and again they had me fill out a prep sheet including my eating habits. Of course I put down that I eat 2-3 meals a day, snacking in between. It's still kinda true. I just wait till later to start, and a meal isn't much. I've signed up for the whole wellness thing, anything to help with the nutritional advice and dropping the fat fast.

I hurt today. Mostly the triceps and didn't notice that till later on. Driving was ok, despite the shifting which made those poor triceps twinge. My legs are exhausted though, not quite sure why. I did a ton of cardio, but they shouldn't feel like lead got packed in there. Plan for tomorrow is head to the early am appt (I'm pooped!!! I should've been in bed an hour ago!!!), hit Walmart for some cleaning supplies, wipe the computer, hit work to update the NVR, drink a ton of water, get to the gym 45 min early and run plus do some on the ellilptical, then the hour training. I can't do much after, gotta race home to shower then drive.

Fuckin windy again. Howling around the house, banging the gate, blowing trees, leaves etc everywhere. Yeah, sure, we're getting the warmest weather we've had in a loooong time (supposed to be 26C tomorrow!!!) but I'd rather have some cooler weather so I can head out on the bike. It's so windy it would be dangerous on a highway and I wanted to go for a long ride on Sunday to prep for Monday. I really didn't want to have to go to the gym on Sunday, best to stay away for at least 2 days a week....

Now all I can focus on is the wind..........................

Adios 150.... Hello 140's.

149.3lbs this morning, and may I never see 150 again! Damn, it felt good to finally crack that number. Now I only need to keep this up!!!!

Visit was ok. No breakfast, and managed to get out of lunch. Once again I got warned that career wise I really need to go. I was told, regardless of what diet I'm on, if I just go and have tea, I need to go. Fine, I'll go, and I'll order the plainest salad they have with no dressing (though a boiled egg on it would be good for the protein!!!!)

Hit the shoe store but I still can't find any good steel toed boots, but bought some stupid cheep clr shoes for less than $20. Maybe I'll wear them tomorrow, not sure I feel like wearing boots.

Ran home, changed and took off to the gym. Got in 25min on the elliptical before starting, and he did say he saw me upstairs.... Did arms today, and it was a pathetic showing for the triceps. I failed horribly on the 12.5's and then struggled through the 10's. My shoulders felt really fucked, so he took the weights away. fuck fuck fuck fuck.... Did some abs work, much better performance than last time, but then thanks to my fail with the triceps we had extra time, so I got tortured a bit. Had to do the plank on elbows, and I just really struggle with that one. I don't think I even got to 20seconds. Then had to do the sideways plank (pike?) and managed 20 seconds each. Definatly felt those!!!! Must practice this week!!!! Hit the elliptical for another 25 min, on the random setting, and then out for the night.

Eggs, chips and salsa for dinner (just had a thought.... eggs into an omlette with salsa.... mmmmm, and low in sugar!!!) and overall had a good day for food!!! A net of 33 cal, with less than half the max of sugar. First in a looong time. All fiber without going over, but just over half of the protein. 7 of 56g of fat, and 0 saturated fat. I'm just concerned that I'm too low on potassium, but I don't want to try dosing myself. The side effects are irregular heartbeat and other heart related issues. Plus there's issues with Calcium and mj.... But I've discovered that cucumber apparently has a ton of potassium!!!

Went on the forum tonight and sent out a bunch of messages. We'll see who gets back to me. If they come tomorrow that will be motivation!!! I'm watching LA ink and really want that next tattoo... I'm thinking behind the ear, but what to get? I want something musical.

Did some figuring on the computer. To get a BMI of just above underweight I have to be 115lbs. If I hit my goal on Monday of 145, that's 30lbs away, so at least 3 months. I can't keep the 10lbs/month up as I will slow down in the losses. I'm hoping I can get through to the end of October and hit 135. If the thing in Nov goes ahead, then I can go present and be looking the best I ever have. Also, if I hit 145 on Monday, I will be at the weight I last remember being my lowest, sometime around my late teens.

4.3lbs......

So close, but no turkey!!! 150.0. On the nose. Almost as if to insult.

Work was long again. I'm just starting to hate being there. I feel like I'm not part of this team, it's the boys, then me. I moved all my stuff out of the office and will start using the staff room to store my stuff. I just don't want to be in there anymore. I feel like no matter what I do it will never be good enough, and I feel like I'm the only one trying to do everything.

I'm opening tomorrow and there's the big visit so I'm hoping to go to bed very quickly and get up at 7 or so. Do some yoga, chill out, wake up a bit, before heading in (and maybe some crunches as I'll be missing core tomorrow.)

I'm a bit stressed as usually I end up going for breakfast. Yeah, funny eh, me stressing about not going for breakfast. I'd even planned out what I could order and how much I could eat, combined with what I could eat all day to reach that and now we're not going. Why? Is there something going on tomorrow? This is the first time in a year that 'J' and I haven't gone to breakfast before a visit. I'm kinda freaking out.

Once that's over and done with, shoe shopping for work, then chill at home for a bit before heading to the gym. Never had a training so late so I'm not sure how I'm going to feel. I did hit the gym for a bit today (forgot my damn lock so I had to lug my sweater around). Did 15min of cardio before doing legs, then back to cardio. Couldn't do the big quad/ham press as it was surrounded by a bunch of guys. Tired but not too wobbly afterwards, but only an hour at the gym.

I did jump on the scale before hitting the shower and it was 149.9lbs. I just need to be 149.5lbs tomorrow. If I can only hit 149.0, that's so close to the final goal.

Because training is so late tomorrow, by the time I'm home and showered it's going to be 9pm or later, so just cook up some veggies, and maybe some soup and call it a night. Ran out of salad so think I'll take the spicy couscous and cucumber with a yoghurt tomorrow. Hopefully we won't get dragged out for lunch, as if that's the case, no dinner (dependant on what I eat. If it's Marios I can just have the soup.)

I think I'll have two low days today and tomorrow, leaving Friday a little room to go higher, low on Sat, and Sun, then the weigh in on Monday....

Please, Please let me be 149.5 or lower in the morning....

Yesterday was worth it on the scale this morning. 150.9lbs. 145 is back in sight!!!!

Ate 500 cal today, and burned about 300. Yesterday I had an overall negative net, today positive. Tomorrow I need another negative so I can hopefully prevent the breakfast on Thursday hurting too much. So, plan is to eat just salad, yoghurt, and soup with a rice cake or something for an after dinner snack. Once I'm home from work I'll hit the gym for some loooong cardio and leg work. If I can do 2 hours there, puts me at about 8pm getting home, after shower 830pm, so 9ish until I eat. Early bed as I'll probably have the usual breakfast on Thursday morning.

I'm hoping that by swinging low yesterday, higher today, then lower weds, and higher on Thurs I can drop this last 5lbs faster. I only have 6 days. No fucking up this weekend.

Weds, gym for 2 hours, Thurs, training, Fri, 2 jobs (day off???), Sat, training, Sunday (and it's supposed to be nice) a long ride, then Monday the weigh in.

One of the guys at work tried to feed me an 80calorie sour candy thing today. I tried to refuse but he pushed and pushed, so I took one, bit a quarter of it, so 20 cals, but 7g sugar!!!! Fuck, this sugar issue is going to kill me!!! I'm over 2g today, but hit 32g protein and went 5g over in fiber. I maxed out on iron today too, which is good as it's been low lately. I did manage 10-11 cups of water, so that's almost 3L!!!

Numbers... well, after being scared I would never get back on a plan, I've managed to get under one of the goals. The .8 plan has me at -0.2. Not much but I'll take it. I'm +.1 on the .96 and +.4 on the 1.1. I need to be a minimum of 150.3 tomorrow to stay on a track. I'd like to crack 150 tomorrow.... it just seems soo elusive. I get the feeling it's going to be much harder to drop the pounds now.

To drop 10lbs in October could be easy or hard, depending on how strict I am. There's thanksgiving and Inventory in there so that's 2 days where things will go a bit crazy. It should be just 2.5lbs/week. Much easier than the 5lbs I have to lose in 6 days!!! Plus I should be more muscled by then, so I should be more efficient at burning it all off.

Damn I want an apple with cinnamon now but I won't be able to eat any fruit until maybe Friday....

Raining and cool this morning so I opted for the gym. Woke up after 10am so hit the gym by 10:45am. Did 30min on the treadmill, then weights on the arms, some situps, then back on the elliptial, running out of there shortly before noon.

Work wasn't great. I sent out some bitchy emails but whatever...

Talked to 'T'. I have a few answers... maybe. He says he's broken up with his ex, and wants to try with me.... but I'm scared he just wants sex. I guess I'll find out.

153 this morning, which is shit, but I think I've lost an inch on my thighs, which is good as last time I lost nothing. I'm over all my goals for numbers, but today managed to do great on food. I was under 4g on sugar (12 was from the juice alone, but it gave me protein), waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay under on protein (which isn't necessarily good.... less juice and more tuna next time.) apparently I only ate 1g of fat, and a total of 275 calories (and I didn't finish the soup.) giving me a net of -130.

Hopefully this translates into something worthwhile on the scale in the morning.

I only had water and tea until about 6pm. Then I had soup, veggies, popcorn (the 100 calorie pack, and I burnt a bunch of it.) and tea. In total, around 350 calories today.

So why do I weigh 153.3 right now?

This sucks. I'm so stressed, frustrated and irritated. Why can't I drop the weight? I did last time!!! I have to be 145, it's been my goal all month.

I'm of two minds. I desperatly want to drop the weight, but I want to do well at the gym, gain that muscle and do it all right. It takes waaaaay to long the right way, but part of me wants to do it so I can improve at the gym. Right now, I want to drop the weight, get down to that 130-135 range and see how that looks. If I like what I see, I can start eating properly and gaining the muscle. Theoretically if I can hit that 145 by next monday, I should be 135 by the end of oct, and 130 by the end of Nov. That gives me at least 2 months with 'S' before I potentially move, to gain the muscle and get on a great plan. If I don't move until late January/early Feb (obviously things will go crazy in Dec) I should look amazing for my new team.

I went through my cupboards today. I threw out all the Nutri Grain ('S' grimaced when I said I had those 2 months ago), the other granola bars, the spaghetti and pasta, anything with a ton of sugar. I bought frozen brocolli, cauliflower, brussell sprouts, salad, cucumber, milk, bean salad, and soup. I also grabbed some multigrain pasta but it's 310cal/serving so I have no idea when I'll eat it. I also couldn't bear to get rid of the cider, despite it's sugar content is almost my entire daily amount.

The new numbers chart states I must be at MINIMUM 151.9 by the morning. As I was 153 before my evening tea, not sure if I can drop the 1.4lbs by morning.

I was sore today, good thing!!! I'll be sure to tell him when I see him on Thursday (after his cracks about leaving me alone for a few workouts) as I'm sure he'll be as thrilled as he was when I could barely drag my ass upstairs yesterday. However, depends on how I feel tomorrow on what I do tomorrow. Also, depending on the weather. I'm hoping it's nice and I can go for a ride instead. Pure cardio. Also I can't go to the gym non stop as I'm afraid there'll be questions at some point. But if it's shitty out, I'll go there. I don't want to go too crazy. An hour, hour and a half max, and mostly cardio. If I can get there by 10 or so, I'll miss seeing him unless he has an early appointment, or at least get any weights out of the way so I don't run into him downstairs.

I joined a forum today. I need to keep focused, to find people who are in the same boat who I can talk to. Hopefully I'll find some inspiriation, and maybe some friends.

I don't want to go to bed.... I'm tired, but I've got too much on my mind....

Yesterday was crazy, and I`m still not sure what to make of it.

I cleaned the kitchen, but didn`t go through the cupboards. Went to the gym, got there late, managed 10min before joining `S` (yeah, I don`t know what the fuck is with the wierd ` but I`ll shut the laptop down and hopefully that will fix it). It was a leg day, so we did legs. I think we`ve figured out why my one knee has that wierd pain in it, as I managed reps without pain. I think I did the leg press at 235, which is mind blowing to me. I sure had wobbly legs after!!!! I mentionned how I couldn`t keep the sugar below the limits, and he laughed and did the aha kind of thing. We talked about fruit and peas being retardedly high in sugar, and how it`s just broccoli for me now. He mocked me as I slowly staggered up stairs to cool down. I did some arms, then another 15 min on the elliptical, leaving quite tired and ready for bed.

Did a close shift at work, and had fun. It was busy so I jumped on the cut table to help run until our orders came up. It was a fairly decent night, even if I had to work with `C`. Ran home at midnight and wondered what the rest of the night would do.

He actually showed up!!! `T`got to my house, picked me up and took me to the house party. He stayed, had 2 beers, then took me home. Once there, we bullshitted for an hour or so, then when he left, he kissed me. I don`t know what to think.... I didn`t ask him if he was still with whatserfuck, so I assume not? But what now? He said he`d call me if he came into town today, but do I want a relationship? Yes, but no. I like being on my own, but I want someone there, someone to want, and someone to want me.... My concern now is how will this affect me and my weight loss? Dating tends to involve a ton of eating, and I can`t do that, especially not now!!!

How about I chill and see what happens.

As far as the weight loss goes, I fucked it up good this weekend. While I still managed 150.9 yesterday morning, (again....) I ate pizza again last night, plus the beer, and I`m a whopping 152.7 this morning. All I`ve done is run to the bathroom, probably Friday`s binge, but I`ve hit 153.3 in the 2hrs I`ve been up.

`Wanted to go for a ride but I`m still worried about that cold that tried to get me. I`m still a bit snotty and feel like it could come back. Still popping the echinaecia to help. I think today I`ll take a quiet day at home, play on the computer, clean house, clean out the food, go buy more food if needed..... Tomorrow I`ll either hit the gym again or go for a ride, then tues is yoga plus some gym work. Weds, haven`t decided. I can either hit the gym or go for a ride. I have training on Thurs so it`s probably best if I`m not seen at the gym, but I can`t not exercise.

I have to hit 145 by the 27th. I`m 152.7 today. That`s 7.7lbs in 8 days. Pretty steep goal!!! But I have to hit it. I did this last time too I think. I was 5lbs over the goal and dropped it all in the last few days. But I have to be strict. NO pizza or ANY junk this week. I`m going to try to fast today, and end with soup (I want to find the beef vegetable soup today) which should drop me back to 150. Monday I need to break the 150 barrier and hit 149.whatever.

I`ve got a new numbers plan. There`s the .8, which if I hit it, will put me at 146.3 on weigh in day, 1.3lbs over my goal. .96 will put me right on the goal, giving me a 10.7lbs overall loss since last weigh in. This is what I want to hit, and the last is 1.1. It will put me at 143.9, 11.8lbs since last weigh in. This would be AWESOME to hit!!! For the 1.1 I have to be 151.6 tomorrow. Hopefully fasting will put me ahead of this game.

Time to shower and at least pretend that the day can go ahead......

150.9 this morning. Not the result I wanted, but it was still within a decent range. I always seem to do this, hit these spots for 3 or so days where I gain weight, or just don't lose any. Hopefully with the graphs I'll be able to track it better and see where the problems are and if there are patterns.

Day off, so I went and bought that coat (which is absofuckinlutely gorgeous!!!) and looked at bikes. $1150 for the one that fits me, but it's a Norco.... I think I may wait until the spring.

Drove tonight, and I was completely fine until the end. Even then, when I went to pick up my new computer, I could have left without eating, but noooooooo. I had to get a cheese pizza, thinking I'd eat 2 slices and be done. Instead I ate the entire thing and hit 1200 calories. Before eating that, I'd had water, tea and some soup and felt fine (well, except for the cold starting up) and was a whole 151.1. After eating I was 152.6. I ate 1.5lbs of food and I'm not going to be able to drop that by tomorrow. Instead of only being 5.9lbs over the minimum goal I'm going to be 7.5lbs over. It will undo all the work from the past few days.

I woke up with a sore throat this morning and feeling almost like I had a fever, but no fever. That tired eye feeling, sore neck, and overall tiredness. I grabbed some Echinacia (sp?) and had two of those, along with vitamin C and the multivitamin. Lots of Vitamin C!!!! I'm kinda snotty now, but hoping that in the morning I"ll be fine. If not I have a few hours to feel better for training.

For numbers: -1.3 for the .8 plan, -.2 for the 1.02 plan, and +1.0 for the 1.25 plan. With what I ate today, it certainly isn't going to help any!!!! I'll have some tea and hopefully everything will make it's way through by training. At best the overdose on protein will help. I should get there and plan on doing at least 30min prior, help burn all that crap off.

10 more days.....

New LW today!!! 150.8lbs. So close to the 140's!!!!!

Again, another great day at work. It seems the more I control my weight, the better the day. 'D' brought me a black spiced tea from Starbucks that tasted delightful!!! But it almost threw my water intake off so instead of sipping all day, I gulped it the last few hours.

Hit the gym with the sis and mom for the core training. I didn't feel like I struggled as much as I did last week, but I can still feel my poor abs. They're all tight still and I'm having a hard time stretching them.

Questions for 'S' next time I go: How to stretch the upper abs without straining, how to stretch my lower back, and how to stretch whatever is hurting right at my shoulder blades (and what did I do to hurt those??). Also gotta ask about the sugar issue.

He suggested a different app for the iPhone to track food, exercise etc. It is superior to the one I was using, far more detailed and precise, and it does everything, not just calories. It asks what your daily intake is (I had to set mine at 1200 as it's the lowest option) and calculates how much is fat, carbs, sugar etc. I'm supposed to have 24g of sugar a day, and I keep going over it. I mean, the nutella didn't help yesterday, but the apple did me in today. Really? An apple screws me up? I didn't want to have peas for dinner tonight as the sugar content was high. I googled it and they suggest 40g, but that is for someone who's eating a hell'uv a lot more than me. Looking at the fiber for today, I hit that bang on (and the whole wheat pita tasted sooooo amazing!!!) and carbs were about half the daily max. Managed only 9g of fat of the total 54 which is good, and still managed 20 of the 61g of protein.

I'm tired, and my arms hurt. Hopefully I didn't kill my abs too much today. Day off work tomorrow so I've got to get the damn tire fixed and I want to go hunt for bikes. I've also got to swing by work and I want to see what price I can get on a computer. That or buy the antivirus for my old computer. I enjoy the yoga in the morning, I just don't enjoy the waking up to do it. See how much I can do tomorrow. I'm concerned that I may have overdone it. My throat is starting to hurt and the pepper I added to my Udon soup didn't help much, but the tea did help. I've taken the multivitamin as well as a Vitamin C today to hopefully ward against it, and if I still feel yucky tomorrow, lots of chicken noodle soup and maybe some dayquill or something (gotta avoid the syrups as they're so high in sugar.... but i may have to just bite the bullet on that one).

Numbers: I ate a ton today. Almost 700 calories, but according to the app I'm at a net of 241 with the exercise. I'm well under on the .8 plan by a whole 2.2lbs, and the 1.02 plan by 1.3lbs. As of this morning I'm below the 1.25plan by .4lbs. I've lost 4.1lbs in 4 days, and being 150.8 this morning puts me at 40lbs lost since mid may. Tomorrow, in order to keep on track for the 1.25 plan I have to hit 149.9. I'm really hoping I can hit that as it will put me below the 150 range, hopefully for good, and within 5lbs of my initial goal for Sept 27th (11 days to drop 5lbs....)

Here's to a good nights rest, no sore throat, and dropping 1lb overnight.

Ahhh... finally some progress. 152.9 this morning.

Work was good!!! I barely noticed by 3pm I hadn't eaten but had to as I knew I'd need it for tonight. Ran home a bit early and still barely managed 10min on the elliptical and saw my sister!!! Somehow without even trying, I've managed to convince her to come to the core class tomorrow..... Is that a good or bad thing?

I had no problem packing in the water today, and I was worried about not feeling great. Either the drugs helped or 'S' was in a weird enough mood it took my mind off it. We did some different exercises that didn't feel like much at the time but I'm starting to get lead in my shoulders tonight.

I wanted to push myself, not complain about the aches, pains, cracks and pops. I think it went ok. He seemed suprised a bit that I didn't need to do the funky swing for the reverse situp things. It burned like hell and I had a hard time finishing the last set. Stretching that lower back is a bitch. Touching the toes does more for my hamstrings so we did what I always thought was a glute (sp?) stretch. Well, if he holds my ankle and knee in place and pushes a bit I can feel a stretch in my back instead, but when I try it by myself I rock my hips and it doesn't do what I need it to.

Something's fucked with my abs too. They're really tight and sore high up. My ribs feel better to touch, but it's right around that area so maybe because of that. I'll have to get up early tomorrow and do some yoga to hopefully stretch it out.

I put myfitnesspal app on my phone after he showed it to me. It's awesome!!! It tracks the vitamin, sodium, fat, carb etc intake and gives you an estimate of how much is left. The only thing I exceeded in besides iron (thank goodness!!!) and Vitamin A & C, was sugar by 4 grams. The yoghurt has a suprising amount, at 4g, the same as 2 servings of broccoli, but the sauce I drizzled all over the broccoli was a whole 7 g, and while the white cheddar rice cake had 1g, the caramel had 3g (duh.) Obviously the nutella was high at 5.3g for a quarter of the serving. Just shocking that given I had a fraction of the calories I was supposed to (a good thing until now...) I managed to exceed the sugar. Minus the Nutella I still would have only been 1.3g under. I did good on Fiber though!!!

So onto numbers... I had some fun this evening. I created yet another number chart, redid it, and I have 3 plans now. the 1.25, 0.8 and the 1.02 (its a midway point.) On the 1.25, if I hit it on Sept 27th I will have lost 18.2lbs in one month. On the 1.02, 14.8lbs, and the .8, 11.5lbs. At the absolute minimum I have to hit the .8plan. So far I'm ahead on the 1.02, and very close to the 1.25 (only .4over).

So, for the .8 plan I have to be 153 by the morning (already past that unless I gain weight), 1.02 I have to be 152.1, and the 1.25 is 151.2. I am hoping to be below 152 and put that number behind me forever, but I'm not sure I'll hit 151.2.... I could.... I'm 152.2 right now... depends on how much I drop overnight.

154.4lbs this morning. Not great, but not 157.

Went until 2pm with only the tea and water, and then just had salad and yoghurt. I was busy today!!! Got a bunch of stuff done, but I've still got so much more to do.

Hit the gym after work. Did 15min warm up in the main gym as it was busy upstairs, then went to the yoga. So we've estabilshed one thing quite well. I have upper body flexibility but absolutely no balance and strength. It wasn't that easy!!! My arms got tired quickly and my legs struggled with some of the balance. However, according to my lovely app on my phone 45 min was 277 calories ( I rounded down the hour). The cool down at the end was interesting. I actually got chilly and everyone else had a jacket. It almost felt like the yoga should have ended my workout but instead I headed upstairs to do some arms and then finished on the elliptical with level 4 for 15 min.

Once home I ate a piece of salmon, with veggies and honey mustard sauce. I was fine until I figured half a 100cal popcorn bag would be good and then proceeded to dunk the popcorn in Nutella and ate the entire bag instead of half.

Post workout I was 152.9, post dinner 153.3. What will I be tomorrow?

I've fucked up my schedule. I work till 430 and have training at 5. That doesn't give me enough time to get home, change, get to the gym and warm up. I'm going to see if I can bail around 4pm, and try and get there by 430pm. Hopefully I won't have to take too much midol tomorrow.

This mornings number put me at above the 1.25 plan by .7lbs. I was under the .8 plan by .2. I'm still on track to drop the 10 in 2 weeks at least.

Tomorrow's 1.25 plan is 152.4, .8 plan is 153.8. I should be well under the .8 plan, and it's possible I can get very close to the 1.25 plan.

I hate waiting for the morning.

The sky is pink and it feels like it's trying to rain.... It's almost time to snow!!!!! There's nothing like that first snow fall, same as the first rain of the spring.

That's all thats good about today.

154.9lbs this morning. I can't believe what I've done to myself this weekend. I have possibly destroyed my chance at losing 12lbs and maybe even 10lbs!!! I now have to lose both of those weights in 2 weeks. 14 days from today is the next weigh in, and I'm 1lbs lighter than what I was 2 weeks ago.

When I got home from work I'm 157lbs, and I've eaten around 450cals. I had a few m&m's, and some chips but c'mon. How and why did I gain 2lbs in a day!!!!

I went online and made a graph of the weight I've lost since mid July. It's up and down like crazy, but it's going down. I did notice that the majority of the weight loss happened in the last two weeks of the month so hopefully I'll drop quite a bit now.

I figured it out a bit. I have to lose 1.25lbs/day to hit 137.5lbs (!!!!!) by Sept 27th, the next weigh in. That would be 18.2lbs lost in a month. I think 'S' would do a little more than exclaim about the weight loss at that number!!!! That's the BHAG as they say at work. The other goal, the first goal of 10lbs in a month would mean I have to lose 0.8lbs a day. That will put me at 144.2lbs on Sept 27th. It's still 10lbs, but I want more. This is the absolute minimum.

I've broken it down by day and it looks reasonable. By today I had to be 154.9 for the 1.25 plan, or 155.4 for the .8 plan. I was 154.9. (yaaaay!!!!) Tomorrow I have to be 153.7 for the 1.25 and 154.6 for the .8 plan. I better be 154.6 at least!!!!!

Tomorrow is yoga at the gym. It starts an hour after I work so I will barely have time to warm up. Once it's done i'll just power through some cardio and maybe do a few free weights but I need to eat as little as possible. For day, salad, yoghurt and tea, for dinner, some veggies and depending on my weight, maybe a half a piece of salmon.

Other computer came back today. Got a new hard drive so it's completely wiped. Got some info back on it like photo's and such but now do I want to go ahead with 7 or stick with Vista? I've also got to get some new anti virus and I've lost my photoshop. Bah....

Also feeling the familiar twinges..... perhaps that's why I haven't been able to drop the lbs.

There's an app for that!!!! I swear that's all thats going to come out of my mouth for the next few days. There seriously is!!! I used the cycling gps computer today and it's awesome!! It tracked my ride, time, average speed, and lets me name the route and will keep records of fastest speeds etc.

So I woke up at 154.3lbs. I figured it would be something horrible. I then spent about an hour pissing around with my road bike, cleaning up the cat hair and trying to get the pedals to work, before heading out (in my old lycra!!!) for a ride. Took an old road I haven't gone on for years, out to the lake. It was gorgeous on the way out, and on the way back I found out why I hadn't felt the wind thus far!!!

According to my new Livestrong app (yes, I can hear the groans) I managed 800 calories on that ride, though there was some discrepancy between two different calculators. Regardless, it felt wonderful!!!! But I think I need a different road bike. I could feel it in my shoulders and neck, like I was straining too hard and over-reaching. I'm going to look at new bikes on Friday, see what's out there for what kind of prices. I'm guessing they're going to top the Gibson!!! I also think I need a heart rate monitor just for curiosity's sake.

Work sucked. It was great at first, until there was a dropped tag, then a broken TV. Not cool. Not cool at all. Oh and I ate a shit load of junk as well. Yup, about 2000 calories if not more. I ate chips, m &m's, cookies, sweedish berries, pizza and a coke slurpee. I feel fuckin fat. I feel gross. I don't feel like puking like last night, but I sure wish my digestive system would get rid of this stuff a bit faster!!!

I'm also concerned about the amount of sick people around me. Colds, etc and I've started getting snotty and slightly coughy. Can't be having that!!! I can't get sick, it will seriously screw with the plan.

Which may be screwed anyways. I just got home and I'm 156lbs.

I can't eat very much tomorrow!!! Soups, juices, maybe some salad, tea etc. Must have a less than 300 cal day, and I hope it's not raining too bad as maybe another ride is due!!!! I'm not hitting 150 by tuesday, but I'm now what I was 2 weeks ago. That gives me 15 days to lose 12 lbs. 1.25lbs/day. I need to be 154.9lbs by morning, or else there's no chance in hell.....

I was 152.3lbs this morning and how I feel right now, I'm not going to be close to that tomorrow. I jumped on the scale when I got back from the gym and I was at a glorious 151.9lbs. Then after I just got home, 155, and I've just eaten 4 cupcakes. Ugh, I feel disgusting. I wish I could puke...

I used the sleep cycle clock on the iphone and I apparently sleep very deeply!!!! I woke at 9am but went back to sleep again and finally dragged my sorry ass out of bed at 10:30am.

Hit the gym a bit late, as is turning into the norm. Managed 15 minutes on the elliptical before the hour of training began. He changed it up a bit. Did a few different exercises and my poor posture is frustrating him. I think I'm frustrating him. He did make a mention about finding what it is that will motivate me. He's right. I'm not progressing fast enough, I feel like I'm barely progressing.

I did tell him my rib area was very sore but it's not almost agony like it was yesterday. He did pull me off one exercise to correct my posture and we sat for ages just talking. He was telling me about a ride he did, and I told him about the 35lb backpack. He said he was 2lbs off his October goal, and I'm 14lbs off my (what I tell him is mine, but it's his) goal. He thinks that my cardio isn't going as great a job as I'm beginning to adapt. I need to up the time spent, and intensity of my cardio.

We've changed my workout too. 3 day schedule instead of only 2, and less frequency, more reps. He's trying to push me, trying to get me to improve as I'm just not seeming to get anywhere. I think I know the problem. I'm so focused on losing the weight, I'm not getting enough protein to repair and rebuild the muscles. They're just staying the same. But that is my goal, my motivation. I want to hear him be shocked when I lose another (hopefully) 12lbs this month. I've got 2 weeks, 2 days. 9lbs to lose if I use this morning's weight. Fuck....

After the workout he booked some more appts for me and then we went full blown into iPhone mode. He wanted to see my new iPhone 4 so I let him play around with it. He was showing me apps, I showed him apps, we played around for about a half hour. I had fun!!! I love this damn phone. (oh, and he's a guitar player....)

I didn't do any cardio after as I figured I was already too cold by that time so I just went home, played on Billie for a bit, and wrapped the birthday gift.

Dinner with the 'K's was fun. The boy was so excited I was there, and I love seeing him. He's gotten to the hugging stage now so I received a marathon hug. For dinner I ate so much. By the time we got there I'd had a yoghurt and rice cake, less than 100 calories. According to the calorie app I've eaten over 2000 already. I had salmon fries, cheese bread, salad at the restaurant, 3 cupcakes with frosting back at the birthday gal's house, then I pigged out on 4.5 more once I got home. I still feel sick 2 hours later.

Tomorrow is going to be another stupid day. I've got that damn MIR with pizza and chips tomorrow night. I could go to the gym if the weather is shit again (it wasn't necessarily cold today, just windy as all hell.) but I think I shall go out on the bike. If I do a 2hr ride and toss in a hill or two, I should hopefully help to counter some of this massive overeating. On Monday I'll have to skip the gym, it's just not enought time between shifts. On Tuesday there's the yoga class, plus I'll do some weights etc also, Weds I have the next training, and Thursday more core. After the ride tomorrow I'll do some core work also. I so desperatly need it!

I should also have as much a fast day as I can on Monday. I may not have a hope in hell of hitting 150 on Monday (again, it depends on what happens on the scale tomorrow morning and how fast my body gets rid of what I ate today.) but I MUST do it early in the week. By weds at the latest. Hopefully all this eating did help me with the muscle gaining....

I ache all over. My ribs still hurt, my sides and abs hurt. Sitting up hurts, coughing is really painful and I think this all stems from the core training. However, smacking some vertabrae on that damn broomstick today isnt' helping matters. I hate to pop Advil but I think I need to so I'm not in too much pain tomorrow.

I hope I didn't fuck it up too much.....

What a morning!!!! 152.7lbs was fucking amazing!!!! How? Not a clue!!!

And by lunch I fucked it all up. I had some jalapeno poppers and a small fries that one of the guys bought me. Damn it was good, but around 700 calories :(

I went to the gym and tried the core training. I struggled. Mostly it was balance that I struggled with, and when it came to the retarded amount of sit ups I could feel my neck pulling. That's why 'S' had me doing the other sit ups. I could certainly feel it though! More now than during but I've definatly done a great ab workout. After I did some bicep curls and the quad thing before jumping on the elliptical for 25 min. Somewhere around 500cals should have been burned.

Then I got home and made the a similar dinner to last night, veggies with tuna and sauce. But I still kept eating. 3 rice cakes, 2 teaspoons of nutella and some chips and salsa later and I'm sure I'm so far out of this mornings weight I won't hit it tomorrow. I'll probably be fatter tomorrow.

There's girls at the gym that are so skinny. Despite my weight loss I'm still fat and flabby. My stomach flops around, my arms sag, and I'm not even going to imagine what my legs and ass do when I run.... Actually, I can imagine, I just don't want to think of it.

Really? 140 is going to be good enough? That's his goal, not mine. There's no way that 14lbs less is going to make that much of a difference. Even if it's 14lbs of fat and flab there's still going to be lots left to lose!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So..... It now depends on what I am tomorrow. If I wake up and I manage to hit 152.? by the morning, then I've dodged the bullet. Friday will be a day for low intake. Tea, salad, yoghurt for work, which is under 100 cals, then there's the thai soup for driving tomorrow night. If I don't go crazy, that should be under 300 cals for the day. If I manage that, then no food until post workout with 'S' on Saturday, I should be able to hit 150 by Sunday. Eat a modest amount of Pizza on the overnight, and then low intake on Monday. By Tuesday I should be under 150. That will give me 2 weeks to lose another 5lbs minimum, but I want 7lbs off.

However, if I'm not at 152 tomorrow and stuck at 154 that's an entirely different mess. I'll stick to the above food intake plan, but there's no room for treats or fuckups. I can only hope to be 150 by Tuesday morning.

Damn this. It's taking me over.... and I'm beginning to LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a suprise this morning!!!! 155.1lbs was a pleasant number to see on the scale this morning. It was much lower than I expected, and I should be well into the 154's tomorrow.

Managed to eat light for most of the day, having only a tea, salad and yoghurt. Once home had a few crackers then off to the gym. Managed almost 2 hours. An hour of cardio (30 min of 7/3 sets on the treadmill and 30 min on the elliptical) and about an hour of weights. Did the pecs, triceps, hamstrings, and the pulldown one but that hurt my shoulder a bit too much.

Grabbed a schedule, they have core training tomorrow but it's (I). I'm going to head down there (try for 6pm and get off work at 5:30....eeek?) and see how many others show up and how hard it is. There isn't a beginner class, same as the yoga. This way I'll have the core every thursday, yoga every tuesday, arrange the sessions with 'S' every Weds and Sat, then that leaves sunday, Monday and Friday. I could probably arrange another session on Monday??? Or skip the weds and just do Monday and Sat? I dunno, I'll talk to 'S' once I've seen what the classes are like.

Back from the gym (and they were right!! It does get busier, but after 6pm it starts getting quiet again.) i jumped on the scale before the shower just for curiosities sake, and I was 153.3!!!!! That's not gonna hold given how much I ate after the shower, but still!!! That was a pretty amazing number!!!

So, after the gym I had steamed veggies, with some sauce and half a can of tuna. If I actually manage to hit the core class I'm going to need the protein from the tuna. Tomorrow for lunch I'll have to do the same salad, yoghurt and I think I'll take some apples and cinnamon too. That clocks me in around 150cals and no time to snack in between work and the gym.

This stupid overnight on Sunday will have me eating pizza so NO snacking/treats Fri or Sat. I still don't know if I have to work on Sat or not. I have to drop as much weight as possible by Sunday, then have absolutely nothing all day until the pizza, then as little as possible the next day (which given how tired I'll be from the partial overnight, shouldn't be too hard.)

Depending on tomorrow, that goal of 153.3lbs by monday may be too easy. I don't think I can get the original goal of <150>

C'mon morning!!!!

I didn't do too much damage.... 156.1lbs this morning, only 1.7lbs gained. However, this puts me terribly behind on my goal to lose 12lbs this month. I'm supposed to be at 152, and by next monday, 149. I doubt I can drop 7lbs in 6 days. Especially if I eat like I did today!!!!

I have had about 700 cals, so much better than the last few days, but not low enough. I wanted to do only liquids today and I was fine until I ate those damn jalapeno poppers and ranch dip for 350 cals :(

So tomorrow I have an early shift and will have to go to the gym in the afternoon. I'm thinking a cup of tea in the morning, taking some tea bags also, a yoghurt and maybe a salad? That should hit around 100 cals. Get out of work right around 4, head home to change and hit the gym by 430. 2hr workout puts me at 630 and then depends if I get a call from 'S' but I may have some steamed veggies for dinner. That should put me well below 250 cals for the day and burning at least 500 at the gym.

I need to lose 3.8lbs per week for 3 weeks to lose 10lbs by the next weigh in. Means that by Sept 13th I have to be 153.3lbs. I need to be 156.0lbs in the morning and then at least 155.0 Thursday morning. That gives me Fri, Sat and Sun to lose 1.7lbs.

Last night when I got in I weighed myself with my pack on. I was 197lbs with jeans, runners and the damn pack. The pack weighed 36lbs. I remember struggling to get that on, almost twisting my back as the damn thing swung around, needing to place it on a table or chair in order to load it up without hurting myself. It's the same amount of weight I've lost since May. I'm really quite disgusted. I can't get my head around it!!!!

The trip was amazing. I love Oakland. I love Emeryville and I'm sad I didn't get to see Rodeo. San Francisco was a bit too wierd for my tastes but I experienced. Oakland is raw, and alive, San Francisco is on display. I have to go back. I must go back.

I love my tattoo. It hurt but not as bad as I thought it would and it's starting to get gross and scabby already.

The concert was awesome. Being so far back was different. Instead of a lot of watching, I got to do a lot of listening. They played Letterbomb, Paper Lanterns and a bunch of other rare ones. Santa Clause is coming to town was a funny one to be in there, and I love to hear Billie Joe laugh. I've also fallen in love with the song J.A.R. lately. Love the last lines:

Gotta make a plan, gotta do what's right.
Can't run around in circles if you wanna build a life.
But I don't wanna make a plan for a day far away.
While I'm young and while I'm able as I wanna do is.....

I am such a pig!!! All my hard work has probably been eliminated by today!!!! Yes, I'm on vacation, but do I have to go crazy? I'm not even keeping up on water intake and coz it's so hot here I'm getting dehydrated. I've eaten more sugar today than I probably did last month!!! I think I've had about 1900 calories and I wish I could puke.

Tomorrow is the concert and I'll need some nourishment. Plan is to get on the train by 10am, get to Mountainview by noon to check in (except checkin isn't until 3pm so hopefully they'll let me in early) then begin the trek to the ampitheater. It should take just over an hour to get there, and I'll pass the google building in the process!!! Must have LOTS of water tomorrow. 2L isn't enough!!!! I've also got about 2 hrs to finish the 1L I bought earlier. If I finish that I can have a cup of cinnamon tea before bed.

I'm tired.... lots of walking today, lots of fresh air. It was so hot earlier, especially around Berkley, but I think it was the humidity. After 5pm or so the breeze from the bay picked up and a sweater was needed but all in all a great day!!!

After getting up late I went to Berkley and wandered around the campus. I hiked all the way around the staduim which was under construction, and in the process crossed the Hayward Fault. Back on the BART to head to North Berkley and then the trek down Gilman Street. I can't believe that tiny place with grafittied garbage cans is it!!! It's perfect!!! It's where it all started, and I was there!!!

Headed back to the hotel for a nap then dinner at a cheep chinese place.

I miss home. I miss 'S'. I miss having a scale to look at constantly. I don't want to stay the extra night after flying home. I just want to get home and get back into my restricting, my controlling and my weight loss.

Crazy day yesterday, and it's only gonna get better!!!!! Drove up to my friends house yesterday so I didn't have to get up at the crack of dawn to drive to the airport (it's a 2 hr drive....) so I managed to mostly skip dinner. I had salad, tea, yoghurt and water at work. When I got home I had a rice cake, handful of chips and salsa, and took a 100cal cup a soup on the road with a vitamin water. So far today I've had a tea at the house, a tea at Tims, and one bottle of water. I had to work to resist the muffins when I bought the tea at Tims and if I can make it to SF without any food I can grab a light snack there before getting on the BART to Oakland.

Damn, I'm excited, I'm shaking, and I almost have to take my belt in another loop. I ws 154.8lbs before I left home yesterday. I bet I'm the same today. The goal is obviously to hit 152.7lbs by Tuesday and as of yesterday that was only 2lbs away. I have 5 days to lose 2lbs but I'm on vacation.... I want to eat and try new things, experience SF and Oakland but I have to do it in moderation. I've packed my water bottle and coffee mug so I should be good for mornings.

I must come back from this vacation less than 154 otherwise I'll fall behind.

At the airport, got tons of shit to do. I'll try to log in tonight.....