2 month check in....

Didn't go quite as I wanted it.

Last time we did it at the end of the workout, this time at the beginning. I'd gone nuts on the treadmill for 35 min beforehand so I'm sure that helped. His scale clocked me at 151.9. I was 148.9 this morning. I'm going to guess 3lbs on average gets added for clothes (plus all the water I'd drunk). He's got me at an 8lb loss. Not nearly as good as I wanted.

Then he said bad and good news, but the bad news wasn't too bad. 6lbs was fat, 2lbs was muscle. So I've lost 2lbs muscle, which isn't good. He had me do the BMI and BF% thing, but I can't remember the numbers. I think 24.? BMI and BF of somewhere around 27%? Then came the measuring tape. I managed to remember most of the measurements he took but not so much what they were last month. I've lost .5" on my neck which isn't great. He said my neck isn't fat, it's muscle so that's an indication I've lost muscle around my neck and upper body. I've lost on my bust again, I think an inch (?) but as last time I'm not too concerned about that, and stayed the same at the waist (30.5.... I must suck it in pretty good when he takes the measurement). I've lost on the hips, but only an inch, and lost .5 inch on my thigh and he said only I'd know if it was muscle or fat. I'm sure I've lost fat there as my legs are definatly starting to look more toned. Calf finally dropped .5" which is muscle but they're fuckin huge anyways. Forearm and bicep have lost less than an inch (.25 for the forearm) but he said that could be water as it's such a little amount.

He certainly didn't sound as pleased as last time. He figured out some stuff and told me to increase my protein intake. He wants me to hit 135g protein per day!!!!

Holy Fuck!!!

I mean, right now I barely hit 30g protein per day, I have no idea how I'm going to quadruple that.... I can't do it by eating. He stated it's as simple as a glass of skim milk and a chicken breast is 35g, good for one meal. There's no way I can eat like that.

He looked over my goals and 140-145lbs is what he thinks is ideal for me. Theoretically by the end of October I should have no problem being in his goal range and well on my way to being healthy and eating to match my training.

But I'm not sure I want that anymore.

Back to training, and today was hard. We spent longer than he thought doing the measurements so we had to push a bit. Hamstrings and quads on the big machine, thought my poor legs were going to fall apart. Then the hamstring curls and I can't keep my damn toes pointed, but he seemed distracted. Wasn't yelling at me to keep my damn toes pointed. Doing the calf press though my knees started to buckle. I'd been up since 8am, had tea and water only, and had been feeling a little shaky and dizzy since the quad workout. He made a comment about low blood sugar and I asked what the symptoms were. Dizzy, nautious and shaky. So check on the dizzy, check on the nautious so I held up my hand to show him steady hands. At least I certainly hoped they were steady. That exercise just about killed me, then we went onto the other quad one, the one I hate so much. 18reps at 55lbs and I almost died. He ended up hauling back on my shoulders to stop me from leaning forward to help my poor legs. We ended it there, out of time and skipping the abs to my glee.

But that's not the point. I need the pain, I need to be pushed. I need to stop resisting when he tells me as he'll get frustrated with me and this won't be effective, or fun for either of us.

I need that damn protein without the calories.

So, I've done some looking and calling. I think I'm going to try protein powder. I found a place that sells a vegan version. I wanted vegan so I don't have to risk mixing it with milk. They say it goes with water and on the website it's 110cals per shake, and 26g protein. It won't get me to 135, but it will get me much higher than what I'm currently eating. If I average 20-30g from food, add in at least one of these shakes a day, that's 46-56g. A huge improvement, almost half. If I have to, add in a second shake on exercise days. Yeah, it's 110 cals but I have to try it. There's vanilla and berry.... it's $70.... better be fucking worth it.

All day all I've thought about is this. I can't stop thinking about protein, the lack of weight loss, the muscle loss, the miserable weigh in today..... I binged. I thought about it yesterday and today I let it happen.

I ate a fish and fries with diet coke from McDicks. It tasted soooooooooo good. I then ate almost an entire bag of maltesers. I spent the entire evening thinking about what I was going to buy at the grocery store after. Once I got there I bought a vanilla slice, carrot cake slice and pumpkin pie. I wanted those chocolate cupcakes, and the peacan pies but couldn't justify how expensive they were.

I ran home (think I passed him on my way....) and changed, desperate to start eating. I stuffed that entire vanilla slice in my mouth in record time, then began on the cake. A few bites of pie and less than half of the slice of cake and I was done...

Overall a disaster, but it could have been worse. I was planning on waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more so perhaps this was better. I'm done now, I should be good and strong for a while.

My first binge. I even tried to puke but gagged and nothing came up.

Now to look forward.

I've done math, I've made a new chart (and fuck it looks pretty. Neat writing, perfect lines, all empty waiting to be filled.) and got some goals.

Every day I need to not only grab my weight, but also BF lbs and BF %. While I'm at it I'll grab my BMI. I just need to make sure I'm dropping the BFlbs and track how much so I don't get into trouble and lose too much muscle.

I've got 28 days. The BHAG is 15lbs. That will put me at 134.0. Below his goal, but my lowest weight in well over 10 years, and I'll look amazing for that conference I'm not supposed to know is happening and I may be presenting at. If I can do that by Oct 25th, the next weigh in, then drop another 12lbs by Nov 22nd, that will put me at 122. BMI will be 20.3 at that point and I should be looking pretty damn good. The next weigh in will happen on Dec 20th. That's going to be crazy for me with work, but at least it hits before Xmas. If I just drop a mere 5lbs in that month I will be a beautiful 117lbs, BMI of 19.5. Barely above that magical 18.5. I will look gorgeous for Xmas, amazing for the new year, and only 6lbs left until 18.5.

So here's the plans for October. There's 4 of them on the chart. 5lbs is the minimum, 10 then 12 are acceptable but the big one is 15lbs. To hit that I have to lose 0.5lbs per day. Really not that bad. The difference between the 10lb and 15lb plan is .2lbs per day. Really not that much. If I can only stick to this plan for 28 whole days I'll be turning heads.

I ate too much today. The 15lb goal is to be at 148.3 tomorrow. I'm hoping I'm still under 150.0 but I can make it up. I will make it up. I have to make it up.