New Followers?

Not sure how this happened but I gained a follower. I've changed blogs. This was the 'old', the new is at the following link:

http://dearlybeloved-toomi.blogspot.com/

See you there :)

If only...

I could see what my actual weight was. I managed to stick to my plan today. I ate nothing until 3pm (later than I planned) and had my Lipo-6 pill around the same time. I felt a bit of a buzz but not much really. I had my tea, my 1L water and the 500 ml vitamin water and by the time I hit the gym I had enough time to change and get to Zumba.

Zumba was lame-o for me. I couldn't remember most of the steps, couldn't see Maya properly and they've learned a few new moves since I last was there. I spent most of the time just sort of hovering. Not much cardio to talk about so I counted it as 30 min light dancing. Hit the weights after doing hip abductions, adductions, hamstring curls, back, deadlifts and stiff leg deadlifts. Think the last ones didn't hit their mark as I definatly felt it in my back and not my legs. Ran for 5 min after just as a cooldown and headed home.

Showered, ate half a soup and finishing up a coldish tea now. Less than 400 cals with around 160 burned not including weights. I'm happy with today.

Tomorrow is the same shift so work, then gym. Going to do a leg day tomorrow so quads and calves, with a healthly smattering of glutes and groin. Of course I can't neglect the abs! Plan on doing more cardio tomorrow, so running to start and bike or elliptical to end. Aiming for around an hour total of cardio and possibly 1.5hrs weights. I'll be home late again and my friend won't be happy but I can't help it.

I'll repeat the food but I may take 2 of those pills tomorrow, one around noon the other around 4, see if that gives me a boost. None for Weds and Thurs though. I can't take them every day. For dinner, leftover soup and possibly some steamed veggies as I anticipate being hungrier.

I'm proud of today. I managed to avoid cravings, not binge, not cave and stay strong. I just need to keep it going tomorrow. If I can make it till Sunday I can enjoy a treat :)

Totally forgot to weigh myself at the gym so I'm not sure what I'm at...

Endings and Beginnings

This is the last post in 'Independant Toomi'. I will leave this blog 'active' for a wee bit but it will be closed. If you want to, check out my profile and follow me to the new blog. I started this blog almost a year ago as an attempt to document my journey through weight loss. I've done that. I've dropped a fair amount of weight and have changed personally, physically and mentally in the process. This blog has gotten me this far. I am chosing to take this further. I could walk away, concentrate on being healthy, gaining muscle etc. I just don't want to. I've become paranoid that there is a chance someone will find this blog and link it back to me. Specifically someone I know, trust and rely upon especially recently. I'm moving, my life is changing. Time for this to change too. Thank you :)

Sunday

Lazy start to the day. I didn't do anything until around noon and even then it was only half assed. Cleaned, packed a bit and recorded the concert from online streaming radio that I was at a year ago. Cleaned, ran out and bought some supplies for tonight, and binged a bit on chocolate, chocolate peanut trail mix, and a whole wheat bun ( I know, fucked, but I wanted something 'doughy'). Shaun and his gal showed up at 8pm and we started eating around 8:30. Salmon ended up a bit smushy compared to when I usually fry it, but it was still good, along with broccoli and brown rice. The wine was really good. It was a quiet slow start while Shaun played on the guitars and both us girls kinda stayed quiet. Wasn't until she offered to help that I started talking. I don't know why we didn't at first. Lively discussion, lots of laughs, chocolate and cookies. I know the weight will go up tomorrow, but honestly tonight it was worth it. There's nothing like having friends over and I'm pretty sure they will be the last ones over for dinner at this place. When they left I had a few hoots and have been sitting here watching The Passionate Eye, 102 Minutes That Changed The World. It's horrifying. I remember coming home from a night shift and ended up sitting up most of the morning watching it in horror, and now I"m watching a documentary about it in the same shock and horror. I can't believe that this year it will be 10 years..... and there's still a war over it. It's just ended so I can start to concentrate on this blog... I have thought about it and I'm ending this one. This blog has helped me for just over 250 posts. I started it in May, it's now almost April. I'm not carrying it over, I can't. I went from 191lbs to a low of 137.8lbs. I am currently 145. I am considered a healthy weight. My trainer is happy where I am, and now the goal is to continue to gain muscle. However, I look in the mirror and am still disgusted by what I see. I, by pure chance, found 2 pairs of pants that I packed up ages ago after being too fat to fit into them anymore when I was dating Scott three and a bit years ago. They're pretty lose now. Not good enough. I want thin. I move in 3 days. I will be changing my life once again. I have gained some control in the last few days, but a lot in my life will change. After Friday I will no longer have a trainer. I will hopefully have him again, but I don't know when(I don't know what I'll do if I don't. I'll miss him like crazy!). I'm tired, kinda loopy feeling still. Going to go register the new blog tomorrow. I'll post one last post here with the directions. I've also set up a facebook profile for myself under my Pretty Thin name. I am going to use that for ONLY Pretty Thin, this blog and any other ED related sites I go to. Oh, I may have put cityville on that profile too.... damn that game is addictive ;) Bed.... I need sleep. Back to starving tomorrow :D

Better

That was today. I was still feeling miserable and my head was still fucked up a bit this morning, but after chiro, booking my uhaul and chilling out at home I hit the gym. I went out with friends last night but didn't drink or smoke or anything. They teased me, but I didn't eat anything, and had 3 jugs of diet coke. I didn't really feel like I fit in anymore. Listening to the one girl say that she created a deficit of calories each day so she could have a 600 cal poutine that night almost made my laugh, then puke. That poutine had to be close to 1000 cals, if not more, and creating a small deficit of 100 or so calories per day and then gorging on alcohol and poutine one night really won't help you balance things out. It will probalby add a few pounds instead. I went home depressed, still fucked up, cold and wanting to cry.... pretty much like I did when I drove home from the gym. What a fucked up day. Today I woke up feeling very similar. I went to chiro, chilled out at home then went to the gym. Shaun gave me a caffiene pill ( I think ) and holy fuck, within a very short time I was bursting with energy and feeling waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better. It was like being high, but retaining my memory. We powered through a leg day then I tried to kill myself on the spin bike for 35 min. I actually dripped sweat, something I never do. I don't know why, I just don't drip sweat ever.... except for today. Home, showered, ready for driving while vibrating from the pill. It peaked as I got home, and then I felt the effects until around 8pm or so. Worked until 1030pm and made some money, not quite as much as I had hoped for, but still a really good night. Shaun and his gal are coming over for dinner tomorrow so I'm making honey mustard salmon, steamed broccoli and brown rice. I may make banana bread or oatmeal cookies. I haven't decided yet. Today I did really well on intake. I was 144.0 this morning and almost fell of the scale in shock. I'm hoping to be below 145 by morning, but would be happier with below 144 (duh...). I had just a tea and half a glass of milk before the gym, and after I ate a yogurt, half the G2 drink, and took cucumber and a rice cake to work. I drank another tea, half a vitamin water and my water and ate the cucumber and only half the rice cake. Unfortunatly I shared a appetizer platter with one of the other girls, and then shared my half with the other driver so I did end up eating a bunch. It just felt like a shame that I was on my last shift and not able to eat something for half price. But now that's not a temptation anymore. I also ended up eating a bunch of chocolate covered ju jubes.... Tomorrow I would like to go for a bike ride but it depends on weather, roads, time, and how my poor legs feel. I HAVE to get some packing done tomorrow. I'm hoping for all CD's, excess dishes and cleaning out the shit room. Also, getting photos of the futon frame and the desk. I should clean out that thing too.... For food. I don't know. I guess it depends on what I weigh in the morning. I'd like to have some eggs or something but I'm not sure I can make myself. I almost want to go with nothing until dinner and then nothing again until Monday night after working out (5-6 so eat by 7?) but I don't think that will happen. I'll end up having to eat before so I don't completley crash... or maybe I should just crash. Ok, ice packs on my shoulder are no longer cold. Bed time.

Am I retarded (or am I just paranoid)

So not quite the lyric, but 'overjoyed' doesn't work. I'm definatly turning paranoid.

I'm concerned that people are going to find this blog. I use Toomi as an online name for so many things. If I google it, this blog is 2nd on the 3rd page.

I'm debating starting a new blog, changing the name, or both.

Frustrations and Binges

I was 147.0 this morning. Well on track again. I went to the meeting and had only tea until Ezie tossed out chocolates. I ended up eating 5 M&M Peanuts and one of those teeny tiny snickers bars... total of 150cals. I ate the leftover raw veggies from yesterday while heading out of town and was still fine until I pulled over to get gas. I bought a 10cal vitamin water, $1 worth of 5c candy and a small box of Glosette Raisins.... Then I had one of those flamethrower grilled chicken wraps. I managed to avoid pulling over for more shit food and once I got home I headed out for a massage I couldn't afford but desperatly needed. My back will thank me in the morning!
Once back I had my half a knorr beef vegetable soup which is about 80 cals and I only ate half.... Then I had strawberries in nutella, a rice cake, and 2 bites of a wheatabix.

I couldn't stop myself. I just kept eating. I'm having serious issues with giving into chocolate cravings and that is what is stopping me getting lower. I like the no breakfast and the IF, but this giving into cravings in the evenings is turning into BS.

I'm still below 150, but barely, by .2lb and that was before I had my tea. I'm hoping that I can have a miracle night and get back down below 148 by morning. Gym tomorrow, and no food until after the gym. I drive at 5pm too so I'll just have a yogurt and salad before, take something like dry cereal for munchies, and then if I'm hungry when I get home, the leftover salad. I also think Sunday should be a liquid day...

I just need to drop. I'm so focused on that but I'm allowing my stomach to dictate stupid things and I"m following it. I need to listen to what my head is saying. No more junk, chocolate will be allowed on treat days. As of right now I"m going back to the every 7 days I can have a 'cheat' treat. Goal of course is to skip that treat.

Also tomorrow I need to do some serious packing/cleaning. All the DVD's, CD's and the extra dishes need to be done tomorrow, and maybe get started in on my clothes that I won't be wearing (if I can clean everything first). I really need to organize my filing cabinet also.

Ugh. I really really want a good number in the morning. I'm feeling like such a fucking failiure. I was doing so well. I was 137.2 at my lowest, and now I'm desperate to get to 147.

TOO FUCKING FAT!!!!

Yet another day....

I was down today. Thank fuck. I dropped to 148.5. I don't know what I would have done otherwise. I'm 148.4 right before bed so I should be below 148 by morning.

I ended up eating way more than I should have. I was doing fine until I went to my friends restaurant and ended up leaving with a burger, fries and diet coke. I got home, ate half the burger, and maybe a quarter of the fries before freaking out and tossing the lot. I can't remember eating anything else though. Once I got 'north' I did hit a Superstore as I had to pick up cat food and wanted to grab a salad or something. They didn't have any decent dressings and the only Greek salad was the massive one for $7. I opted for the $4 tray of raw veggies instead. Unfortunatly I decided I should have some chocolate too so I bought a tiny piece of the dark chocolate almond bark and a few ju jubes. thank goodness that it's bulk so I can at least take a tiny bit instead of buying a massive bag. I just need to stop going there altogether.

I ate half the veggies so I've got the rest for tomorrow. Planning on just tea for the drive to work, meeting ends at noon or so, have some veggies and hit the road with water and a diet soda. Once back home, go to work packing/cleaning etc. Day off at the gym I think. I'll need it. My legs will probably be quite sore tomorrow after yesterday, and my arms may need time to start feeling sore from today.

Tomorrow, just veggies for the day, with some veggies for tomorrow evening. Maybe some soup too? Dunno. See how the day goes. Ideally I would like to be 145 by Sat or Sun. Gives me 4 or 5 days to drop a few more pounds before we do the last measurements, and so I can get back on track and back in control.

Yup, another post of me obsessing about what I ate and what I will eat tomorrow and how I fucked up today. I hate it but oh, I so love the planning and analyzing.....

Slow start, shaved heads and wine.

Today I was 150.1. I did some running around, late as usual as I slept in until 9something or other. I did get the CD, and promptly put it in. My favourites so far are JAR, Going to Pasalaqua, Cigarettes and Valentines (AWESOME song, but it really wasn't right for the time. I'm glad it wasn't released when it was recorded. I think musical history would not be the same. It's definatly a popish sounding song, not the raw energy that was needed when American Idiot came out) and of couse, 21 Guns. Know Your Enemy is special in my mind as I was at that concert and it was the 2nd song I'd heard them play live, ever. Just not a massive fan of that song. Almost the same with 21 Guns. It was overplayed and I think the music video killed it a bit for me too. Just listening to him sing it live is a completley different sound. There's a piano that works perfectly, and his vocals are incredible. If any one is reading this and want's a link, post a comment and I'll post one.

So, did all that shit and then went to the gym. Had a good workout, mostly legs and ass (as Shaun so delicalty put it) with 25 min elliptical to warm up and 15 min of the bike to cool down. Grabbed some wine and headed home. I did a whole bunch of almost nothing besides making cookies before heading over to Shauns. I wasn't expecting dinner but he was making spaghetti and I managed a small to medium sized portion, and then only one cookie after. Did indulge in about 2 glasses of red, and some fun stuff (hence the crazy blog update with rambling sentences), before we shaved my head. I think he was having far too much fun with it.

I had a blast though (and found out some interesting stuff..... like he thought while I was taking it seriously and wasn't getting anywhere it was frustrating him. He said something else but I forget.). We went through photo's, talked about body building, diets, exercise, friends, ex's, sex, strange neighbours.... so much. It was awesome. A good relaxing evening.

Weight? Well, over 150, but barely. Right now I'm 150.? so I"m hoping I'm below 150 by morning. Food for the day:
Tea, water for the morning.
Yogurt at 4:30pm. (35cals)
Salad, salmon and dressing at 5:30pm (170 cals. Damn salmon but I needed the protein :()
2 mouthfulls of chocolate chips (150cals?)
Half a G2 (20 cal. It says 20cals on the bottle, but there's 2 servings in each bottle)
Half a diet pepsi
4 cookies (tiny ones with splenda... so 200cals?)
Steamed veggies (50cals)
Spaghetti (400 cals?)
Cookie (50)
2 glasses Red Wine (200 cals)
Tea (what I"m drinking now)

Guesstimate total of around 1300 cals, burning off around 500 cals on cardio alone. That stupid spaghetti will set me back.

I'm tired. I should sleep damn good tonight. I want to get up early and hit the gym, then go return Dads' turntable as it's got a crack in it, then load up everyone and head to Calgary. I was thinking of going earlier but I may just go to the gym and not do Zumba in the evening, giving me an excuse to be later.

Sleep. Then deal with tomorrow.

Hope

I need it. I cling to it. If I didn't hope I'd be well and truly lost.

I was barely below 150 this morning. By .3lbs. This has gone on long enough. Today was the last day of people buying me lunch etc. I had lunch with Shannon (salad which was fine but the twist bread was a major bad move) and then dinner with my parents (Ethiopian. I love it. I ate so much of it.) I managed not to go to the grocery store and buy cake as that is what my mind was telling me I should do. Instead I had a bunch of popcorn and Nutella. I'm .1lb over what I was last night when I went to bed.

I lose my trianer in 9 days. In 9 days I will be left alone for an unknown amount of time. I won't be driving 'home' every weekend, I'll be looking for a new place in a new city. I need to save money, desperatly save money, pay off debts. Hopefully in a month I will be able to work with my trainer again, but it will be a month at least.

Wow, that puts me around May.... What better way to celebrate May by finally getting to 131lbs and being able to say I lost 60lbs in one year.

This bullshit has to go away. I can not gain. I will not be one of those people who gain weight back. With me not seeing my trainer I won't get any ideas in my head about going 'healthy' etc. I want to be skinny. I'll work on the healthy after.

I don't ever want to sit in my car, disgusted, hitting my legs as they barely fit into my nice dress pants I bought just before Christmas. I may have lost some weight but I'm still barely into the 'normal' range. I still hate looking at myself in a mirror.

Tomorrow will be a new day. I will get up around 8am. Hang out and have tea, then shower and be ready to go by 9:30, 10am. Head down to my Dad's work with the record player, head to my old work to buy the new record player and the DVD/CD I desperatly want (and maybe Up In The Air. ) I'll come home and maybe make cookies, clean and then go back to my Dad's work with cookies for Jeff and the turn table. Off to the gym and maybe driving, don't know yet. I kinda hope not as I want to do some more packing. I'll have to find out first thing as I won't be making cookies if I have to drive at 5pm.

I also would like to go through my cupboards and get rid of as much food as I can. Empty cupboards are always good motivation.

Food plan tomorrow. I don't want to eat until after my workout, so 4:30pm. I'm hoping to have a max feed time of 6 hours, but I would prefer 4 or 5 and even then it will be limited. Steamed veggies, salad and perhaps some broth soup. During the day, water, tea, maybe some milk about an hour or so before I hit the gym. I need to buy more vitamin water and milk also.

I want to see how little I can eat for Tuesday, Weds and Thurs. Wednesday is going to be the tough one. I'm hoping I can get to the Zumba class but Steph may be unhappy about that. Thursday is the OM meeting for half the day so I should be able to avoid lunch and if I can't, just a salad. See if I can hit the gym Weds and Thurs. Basically overdo it this week in efforts to try to get back to 145. At least it will be in the right direction.

I'm most looking forward to emptying my cupboards.....

First Day Of Spring

Didn't really occur to me that today was the first official day of spring. The snow last night kinda killed that for me, and while there was very little snow left today it was still a tad on the chilly side, barely hovering around freezing.

I ended up falling asleap on the couch until 5am then crawling my ass into bed. Stayed there until 10am before dragging my ass out of bed for a quick cup of tea and a shower. Headed over to Shannons and we all went out for lunch. I made some ok lunch choices, it could have been worse, but that would have been ok if it had ended there. Instead I went on a bit of a binge. Once home I napped on the couch and then ate supper. Last time I checked I was 151.1. that's a gain from 147.7 this morning. I'll be lucky to be 149.9 or lower by morning.

Fack!

The damage from the run isn't too bad. My ankles really hurt, as do my hamstrings a bit and quads but no knee issues so far *knock on wood*.

The damage from today is far worse though. I barely had any water, instead having far too much diet coke, tea, fireside coffee and a half a vitamin water. My poor body... at least my metabolism should be working fine after this.

I'm missing being empty again. I'm missing being hungry, having only liquids and being in control. The IF was working, I just need to modify it a bit, lessen the time from 8 hrs, maybe dropping it to 7 then 6.

Tomorrow I"m out and about with Shannon again and we're hitting Moxies for lunch. Aiming for around noon. She says she wants to be done by 4pm giving me 3 hours to hit the gym, and shower before meeting my parents for my birthday dinner. We're going to the Ethiopian place in town as I love it. If I can manage it I should only eat the lunch (most likely a big salad, preferably garden with dressing on the side) and the dinner. For drinks, loads of water, a tea in the morning, and maybe a diet pop at lunch and a wine at dinner. After that we're going light.

I can't be this huge anymore. I see pictures of myself and am disgusted. It may be the first day of spring but that means that summer is quickly approaching. I certainly don't plan on wearing a bikini or even a bathing suit but it would be nice to be in the 120's by then.

I'm concerned about losing my trianer. I have him for a few more sessions then he's done. I don't know what will happen there. I'll still go to the gym, but will I slip with not working with him? I'm scared I'll put the weight back on, especially with living with my friend. I need to move, find a place, get settled, and hope that everything works out for my trianer so I can go visit him at another gym. I don't care if that's here or even further north. I'll travel.

I also need to deal with this recent laziness. This going to bed every night at 1am needs to stop. As does the sleeping until 10am. Also, and this is the most concerning for me, the napping in the late afternoon. I'm out for an hour sometimes and how is that helping me burn calories?

Intake today: (oh fuck....)
Spicy Chicken Salad (lettuce, grape tomatoes, some kind of shaved cheese, spicy chicken patty)
Lemon Garlic dressing (entire package was 100cal, I had maybe half)
Baked potato with cheese and broccoli dressing (yeah... thanks cheese. All to my ass I'm sure)
diet coke
Piece of carrot cake
Medium smartie blizzard with extra smarties.
small bag of mini eggs
handful of chocolate chips
4 prunes
steamed veggies (broccoli, green beans, cauliflower, carrots) with black bean sauce
whole wheat pasta and organic tomato dressing
2 cans diet caffiene free coke
2 cups of tea
1 cup fireside coffee (instant coffee with whitener and hot chocolate)
half a 10 cal vitamin water.

Ugh.... foul. I need to keep writing this down. the myfitnesspal app is no longer doing the trick. I'm just fed up of entering everything on there. I think writing it down will take me back to basics.

Calorie estimate for today? 3000? I have no clue.

Completed :)

I finished the 6K run. It was much easier than I expected it to be, and while I definatly did it in under 43min (or right around that) it felt like no time at all. I ran almost all of it. I did some walking through the water stop as I discovered pretty quickly that it's very hard to drink a cup of water while running, and a bit on the massive hill heading up.

I'm going to hurt tomorrow. My legs will hurt, my hips will hurt and I'm pretty sure my ankles will too. Debating on wrapping them tonight.

I was up today, but only .5lb. I'm sure I"m higher now as while I certainly didn't binge, I ate a lot:

Had tea and water until 2pm.
Yogurt 35cal
Chocolate covered ju jubes (WTF did I even buy them? They were supposed to be a post race treat)
Salad greens with salmon, smushed boiled egg and 20cal ginger soy dressing. I added the egg and salmon for the protein. (300cals?)
Leftover soup (100 cals and I ate the broth with a few of the bits of pasta etc so maybe only 50cals) and a whole wheat bun, another 100 cals.
Post race I ate a bunch of trail mix (salt. Can't have my poor legs cramping/pulling tonight) and some dried fruit, maybe 200 cals.
Went to a friend of my step moms for the post race celebration and ate 3 pieces of homemade pizza (so low fat, thin crust, barely any cheese etc... These are runners!!!LOL) and 2 bits of chips with the homemade bean dip and a glass of white wine. That was probably most of my calories!
I just had a cup of tea to end the night.

I was 148.4 at my parents after the race. I don't want to look now, but I know I will.

I should be happy right? I was 190 this time last year. But I see the photos my Dad sent of me running and I keep thinking that when I dropped to 140 my face was thinner. Now it's chubby again. It's like that 10lbs went all the way to my face and neck. My belly is huge today, I'm hoping that's just water retention, or bloating or something.

Tomorrow I'll head to a friends house for lunch (she invited me over today but didn't tell me what time) and try to eat as little as possible. I stopped eating today around 1130 or so, meaning technically I can't eat till 4pm, but I may just restart it at noon and go until 8pm. Do the yoga and light weights in the morning, and hit the gym on Monday morning.

I want to be 'healthy' and eat properly, work out, gain muscle, do my friend and trainer proud. Instead that little voice in my head tells me it's not good enough, I'm not thin enough, I ate too much, I can do better.

And I keep listening.

Happy Birthday :)

I am now one year older today. Does it mean anything different? Only in a number, but I know how much numbers mean to me.

I got my car looked at, hung around at my old store, went to Sobeys, and hit the gym. It was a short workout at the gym with only 20 min on the bike and then an hour with Shaun. I can't believe I have less than 2 weeks left with him. But that's a story for another day.

Towards the end of our workout he was joking about ice cream so after our hour was up we went off and had a blizzard. Once I downed that I headed home to try my creme filled croissants where I discovered to my delight that they contained REAL creme!!!! So I promptly ate both, minus the strawberries with their syrup. So delicious!

I went to the Home and Garden show, buying a beautiful necklace and a bag of mini donuts. I ate 4 mini donuts before running into a friend and I pretty much threw them at her in eagerness to have them off my hands.

Picked up my stuff for the run tomorrow and hit up my parents place. They gave me a cool necklace and a queen duvet which is awesome as they're so expensive. Won't be long before I can have a new bed :)

I basically stopped eating around 7pm, but I ate chocolate when I came home which kinda screwed things up. I can eat tomorrow at 1pm at the earliest, going until 9pm. Given that the run starts at 8pm I may want to consider trying not to eat until 3pm, giving me until 11pm. I did buy all that fruit so I may make myself a fruit smoothie tomorrow, just the milk for 90 cals and the fruit. Got coupons for the running store that is sponsoring this run so I may head there tomorrow and check out shoes.

I'm also going to continue to pack, as well as I desperatly need to organize my filing cabinet so I can do my taxes this week.

So tired. Good day overall :)

Rollercoaster

I feel like I'm on one. I love rollercoasters, but this one is not my flavour.

Today I woke up several times, not really getting a good nights sleep. When I finally got up I went to my doctors appointment, which turned into another waste of time. I wanted to ask about my shortness of breath after I kinda half assed got sick a few weeks ago (remember the snotty nose? That was about it) and about my poor knees that are dying. Dear ol' doc said that the shortness of breath is some kind of residual effect from the virus and can stick around for up to 3 months. He could give me an inhaler but I declined. He didn't give me chance to ask about my knees.

So I went home, attempted to start packing before I saw on my trainers facebook that all hell has indeed frozen over and the gym did do the retarded thing and lose all the trainers. They're hiring uncertified newbies at cheaper rates instead. Sucks for me. In 2 weeks I will lose my trainer. I have no idea what will happen. All I know is that no 18yr old bimbo is going to be my trainer. I know what good and qualified is like, I'm not going back now.

Went to grab more boxes, hung out and chatted with a friend, hit up Stupidstore and bought chocolate, went home and ate it along with a salad. Feeling sick I headed to the gym for some cardio before core class. By the time I was halfway through the core class I started feeling less puky though.

Training was fine. Mostly chest today so I'll be wonderful and sore tomorrow. I'm just so fed up of the aches and pains. My shoulders hurt, my knees hurt, my arms hurt and it's not the good muscles working pain. It's owie something is wrong pain.

Came home while debating for dinner. Did I want to do the sensible thing and have salmon, rice or multigrain pasta and veggies or go with just veggies and soup? The soup won...

Now I'm stressed. I was down to 147.2 this morning and while I"m not hitting my goal of 140 by tomorrow (yeah....) I was hoping for a 146 something.

The IF is working though. I am slimmer. My stomach is definatly flatter and I feel better. I am a little annoyed that I'm dropping so slowly instead of plummeting 10lbs in 2 weeks, but as long as this is sustainable for a short while. I am also eating a lot of junk. Once tomorrow is done I will focus on lack of junk for a few days at a time. There will be days where junk happens. Monday for example, when I hang out with a friend. But I need to control at least 2 days in between where I don't eat shit food.

I should be happy that in a week I have lost almost 3lbs.... but I'm not even close. Not until I get below the 140 mark,

then only for a short while.

I may be eating, but my head is still fucked up.

Day Off

Took a day off from exercise today. I even managed to prolong the fasting an extra 40min, not eating until 12:40pm. Had lunch with Jason (spinach salad) and went to go get boxes etc. Came home and made some steamed veggies before heading off to work.

I stayed late, hit Safeway on the way home and then cracked.

I ordered from Burger King and MacDonalds and drove home. I ate most of the grilled chicken patty but only half of the bun, half of the onion rings and half of the fish. Fine, I ate too much... but then I ate a bunch of cookies I made, and a few of the chocolate chips that are there for the next batch.

Well fuck. I was down to 147.7 this morning, pretty sure I won't be there tomorrow. I'm probably 149.5 or 150 now, meaning I"ll be lucky to hit 148.0.

Do I ever know how to screw things up.

Tomorrow.... I don't know what I'll do. Technically I stopped eating at 11:30pm meaning I can't eat until 3:30pm tomorrow. I'll try, but that's quite some time.... fortunatly I don't hit the gym until 5:30 so that give me time to eat....

I'll see what happens.

Right now my stomach hurts :(

Blindsided

At least thats how I felt when he asked me what I thought of myself now, and if I was happy with what I saw in the mirror.

I woke up late, 10:20am, meaning in an hour I was supposed to be on a piece of cardio. Had a few sips of tea, water and headed out, ignoring the check engine light again. Jumped on an elliptical for 25 min and waited for Shaun. Started a leg day, changing shit up again. Doing some wierd one legged glute leg press and then went into the class room for free wall squats. While in there he asked me the question.

I didn't know how to answer so I blurted out 'No' which was the truth. I ended up babbling about a 'number' on the scale and how I know it's just a number, but it's a damn number that matters. I also babbled about having issues with eating etc, eating the 'right' foods and too much snacking/junk shit over Feb.

I think he may have asked why I'm not happy as I remember saying something like I can't see the results. I don't think I at any point said coz I still see fat but it was definatly implied. The discussion changed to portion control, and starchy foods. I need to cut out potatoes and bread again like I was doing before Christmas, and definatly control portions.

The IF is in day 3 and so far it's ok. I think sleeping in definatly helped. I stopped eating at 8pm so I can eat again at noon tomorrow, until 8pm again. I was down again today. 148.1lbs. It's not much, but again it's in the right direction. I won't hit my goal of 140 by Friday, I'd have to starve to get there, as in not eat anything until Friday, and then I'd binge. With the run the next day I think I'll eat.

Which brings me to my next rambling. I'm eating. I'm not counting calories. I'm having chocolate, potatos, bread, cookies etc. I'm still stressing about the number on the scale but I've gone up 10lbs and am not overreacting.

What does this mean for me?

What does this make me?

I want to be lower in weight. I want to be skinny. I still look in the mirror and see fat that needs to go away. I still feel terrible after I've eaten chocolate or anything that used to be on the 'absolultly no fucking way' list.

But part of me is liking the fact that I can eat, and still fast. That I can go out with a friend for a meal instead of always saying no. That I can actually have a 'normal' eating pattern and habits.

I've had more energy lately, despite the other night crashing on the couch. I've found in the last 3 days I can say no, I can stop eating when I'm full, or have just eaten.

I've dolled the baking up, and only have a small amount of chocolate and such left. Tomorrow, Jason is taking me out for a birthday lunch. I am hoping we can go to BP's as they have a very delicious spinach salad that with the fat free raspberry vinegarette dressing is less than 200 cals (I think? It's no more than 300). If I go at 1 or 2pm, take something driving with me, and I should be still driving when my no eating kicks back in. In other words a very low calorie day.

I don't know what to do anymore but a huge part of me is saying to ride out the weekend, stay with the IF and keep the calories reasonable and the exercise a focus. If I can continue to lose a little every day, and hit 145 by Friday I'll be ok.... for now.

IF

I was down a bit today... that is from the night before. I did gain from the morning thanks to the massive dinner last night but today was good.

IF is intermittent fasting. It is used mostly by body builders to lose fat and gain muscle but it has to be done in a certain way to work. You have to have protein coming in, and do more than just cardio otherwise it isn't as effective. My trainer did it all last month and you can totally see the difference. I'm trying it for two reasons... first I can still eat , but fast at the same time (therefore not starving as I"m paranoid about binging and gaining agian) , and second, I need to lose fat but at this point keep as much muscle as possible to burn more fat going forward.

The idea is that you fast for 16-18 hours, then have a 'feeding' period of 8-6 hours. Workouts are supposed to be timed so that the feeding period starts at the end of the fast. Workout should never be at the end of the feeding period as you won't burn as much fat, instead lose muscle mass and run a risk of binging after trying to fast.

I'm on day 2. Yesterday I fasted for 16hrs, and had an eating period of 8. Today same thing. Fasting ended around 3pm but I wasn't able to eat until 3:30pm. I've had yogurt, leftover stew and pitas, homemade oatmeal cookies and too much chocolate (but not as much as I've had recently.....) At 10pm today (1015... I had to wait for the last batch of cookies) I stopped eating so I don't get to eat until 2:15 tomorrow.

For exercise I went out and ran. Actually ran outside. It was GLORIOUS. Well, the weather wasn't great. Howling wind but at least it was over freezing. Many puddles in the river valley and plenty of mud for me to slog through. Yuck. Ran up the hill on the footpath and back down too so that slowed me down (especially as the wind really slowed me down going DOWN the hill. Yeah, bad wind day) but overall not too bad. Did 4.05 miles in 51:12 with an average pace of 12:09 mph. Not too bad... not as good as I wanted, but not as bad as it could have been. I'm hoping to do about 40min on the night of the race.

Headed up to the gym right after and did chest, shoulders (I think? I was aiming for lats) and back. Tossed in 3 sets of 30 crunches and 3 sets of 16 for the obliques. I was adequatly tired after but feel ok now.

Overall I ate more than I usually do, at least that's how it felt. I didn't track calories as well as I ate stuff that I've made from scratch, but I didn't have enough veggies. I did end up having a bit of a protein powder and water mix (seriously gross but I don't gag anymore) before hitting the trails.

Tomorrow.... training at noon so be there for 11am. If I'm up by 9am I can have tea and then if I need it protein before I hit the gym. Done by 1pm so at least a half hour of cardio post, home and shower. Should put me close to 2:15 for feeding. Again, have a yogurt to break the fast, with juice (aka vitamin water for 10cals) and water. Probably have a salad after then a friend is coming over for 530ish for coffee. There'll be some cookies eaten and after she leaves I'll steam up some veggies. Maybe some soup if I'm still hungry. Aim for 9 or 10pm to end the 'feeding' (earlier the better.... Means less calories coming in).

Cooking at home is definatly healthier, no processed shit, but it means leftovers. Leftovers mean I eat larger portions and don't have the nutritional information readily available to me.

This IF thing works for others, I just need it to work for me, despite trying to keep a lower caloric intake and being very focused on that magical number. If I could drop the 10lbs I put on last month and take at least another 5lbs of fat off this month I will be happy.

I'm not doing the IF plan completely. I will take 'off' days as it won't work with schedules, plans etc. I would like to try for 4-5 days a week of IF. It should work fine until I go back north and then I'll have to rotate the hours so I can eat after the classes at 10pm. But that's next month so I can deal with that then.

I wanted to go through all the blog updates I've missed latetly. I'll try but I'm pretty tired right now. If not tonight I'll do it while I'm having my morning tea.

I'm excited for tomorrow :)

Quickie

I don't feel like posting much.... Yesterday sucked. I felt fat, I ate so much, then I ate more. Last night i decided to do the IF plan, doing the 16hr fast followed by 8 hrs permitted of eating. I was fine today. Ate too much though. I'm 151.7lbs right now but it was worth it. Had the family over for dinner, then went over to Shauns and hung out with him and his girlfrient. Overall a good night and I'm not letting my fucked up mind ruin it by overexamining what I ate.

I had a cookie at Shauns around 10pm or so, meaning I can eat around 2pm. I'll see if I can make it until 3pm as it may have been closer to 11pm that I ate it. Plan to run around the lake in the morning so I can get some outdoor practice before the run this weekend, then hit the gym.

Tired... finishing my tea, reading some of my book and going to bed. I'll catch up on blogs tomorrow.

Home, Sweet Home

I'm back. Car is fixed, exhaust was broken.

I went to the gym, tried to make myself drop. Knees hurt as does my right hamstring.

Food intake has not been good. I ate oatmeal, popcorn, a shit ton of candy, then had cheese bread and leftover stew with a slice of chocolate cake.... ugh. So much for watching my weight!

I did however drop 2lbs just from having my scales here instead of north. Fack.... I have no idea what I'm at right now, but I"m sure I'll check before bed.

So tired. So happy to be home.

Done for 3 whole weeks!

Barring a few meetings of course. I just have to drive home tomorrow and that's all!!!

I was 147.5 this morning thank goodness. 2 weeks ago that would have been awful, 3 months ago unthinkable. I can't believe I let it get that high. I managed my food intake fine during the day, and then once Keith gave me a snickers it was all downhill. It just smelt so good and I was crashing so I ate it, instead of having a bite and putting it in my purse for 'later' I took a handful of giant bites and it was all gone. Then Shaun grabbed me a muffin... so about 800 cals of shit food. I'm up to 149.8 before I ate some cereal (a handful of dry no sugar stuff) and a 35cal hot chocolate.

I just keep fucking it up. I'm never going to get back down at this rate. I can't wait to get home. I can starve myself back and then be used to it for when I come back up here.

Tomorrow is up at 7am, or 630 if I can handle it. Pack, shower, finish packing, have tea with Steph, load the car and go get the cats. Get gas, and start driving home. Hoping my poor car will make it. 200kms and at least it won't be -30, but it's supposed to be snowing and 4C, so sleet and shit weather :( Take the car in, go to the gym, do chores and hit a grocery store. Having the parents over for dinner on Sunday so I have to start making the stew. Debating on making from scratch (takes ages) or buying broth. Leaning towards buying broth at this point.

For tomorrow, tea and oatmeal (half if I can) for breakfast. Driving down, celery sticks and water, maybe a coffee or tea again. I may stop at the one candy store, (money providing) and grab some treats for one of the guys I used to work with, but that may prove to be too much temptation, and with 2 cats in the car probably not a smart move. I'll need to have something before going to the gym, but not much, gym, then soup or vegis after. Maybe soup before? Regardless, a light day for food.

2 days left to get to 145.... I need tomorrow to be awesome if I have shit numbers in the morning. I need 146, but I"m hoping for the same as today, 147.5 at least. Hopefully I haven't fucked that up.

Still going down

148.8 this morning, so very solidly below that dreaded 150 line. I'm hoping to be 147 tomorrow. Really, if I can hit 145 by Saturday, I should very easily be able to do 140 by the 19th. It's just sticking to it.

Which I kinda half assed did today. I started off great, oatmeal, tea... then at work the yogurts, salad and celery. Except I forgot the 35cal soup and was seriously hungry by 4pm and knew I had a 3 hr gym session. I do need energy for these ones so I figured if I could get home by 5pm I could have a very small snack, protein bar or something, before heading out. Yeah, I left work at 445.... it's an hour drive in rush hour. So I stopped off at a store, bought a cheese bun (250-300 cals) and had a piece of white chocolate almond bark and some chocolate covered ju jubes. Not bad overall. It was only one piece of chocolate when usually I go all out and buy tons of different types. I did eat it all though....

Gym was great. Managed about 10 min on one of the weird ellipticals before the Zumba started. Got a good spot next to my new friend and danced my heart out for the next hour. It's getting easier... a bit.. I'm catching on quicker, but unlike the other gals I don't work up a sweat. Wonder if maybe I just don't sweat like that. I never seem to get all drippy, but I've worked hard enough!!!! Anyways, did an hour of the next class, mostly legs, then about 20 mins of more weights, shoulders and lats. I should be nice and sore tomorrow.

Came home and ate broccoli, 2 bits of my friends sugar free rice pudding (I chucked the rest down the toilet.... I can't eat it, it's milk, splenda, rice, fat, and heavy...) and a tiny bit of this 60cal organic cereal that i've discovered I love despite the fact it has no sugar or anything. I still feel like I ate too much.

Thanks to the damn cheese bun I'm somewhere just shy of 1200 cals today, much higher than normal. But with the dancing and elliptical it puts me around 900, not counting the other class I did as there's no way I can easily calculate that.

Tomorrow is a late shift day and a non gym day seeing as I'm going on Friday now instead. I'm going to grab a ride as the car is starting to sound a little rough again, work till 9pm, come home and start packing. My long awaited glorious 3 weeks off begins tomorrow with me picking up the cats and driving my poor car home. I just hope it makes it there!

Food wise, it's backwards. I'll eat oatmeal and tea in the morning and try to avoid lunch for as long as possible. I'd like to avoid eating breakfast until 9am or so, just tea first thing. Salad and soup for work, with yogurt and celery as snacks. Take tea with me, water and possibly a vitamin water as I'd like a soda for the drive home ( my treat :) Diet of course!)

I only wish two things now... that I"m down again tomorrow, to 147, and that my car gets me home.... Is that too much to ask?

Heading In The Right Direction

150.7lbs this morning. On my way down... I was 150.2 before my hot chocolate, so I should be back below 150 by morning. Leaving me 9 days to drop 9lbs, with a damn brunch in there also.

However, car is still having issues, but I"ve got Friday off to head back home. I can hit the gym for an extra session too!

I've done a good job of restricting for the last 2 days. No chocolate etc. I avoided dinner by saying stress had bugged my stomach so I was just having soup. Tomorrow I"ll be at the gym all night so I'll avoid dinner there too. Thursday I work late, so once again, I avoid dinner.... ahhh... Lunches are salads and 2 yogurts (35cals each) with celery sticks. I've been taking oatmeal to work as I've been starting at 6am but I"ll eat it here before I leave tomorrow I think. I've also been drinking loads of coffee as I've not had much sleep. Hoping to be sleeping by 11pm (it's 1027 right now) and I don't have to be up until 6am so I should be more awake. Gotta lose the caffiene, and I've already had 1 diet soda this week. The other is reserved for Friday? Maybe? Or Thursday?

Tomorrow with hitting the gym for two 1hr classes, doing some weights before etc, I will have to eat something before going. I'm not sure what though as I will get home around 5pm or so and have to leave right away. I'd rather not 'grab something' on my way home as that is never good... maybe some soup/cup a soup? And the Luna bar half before half after. Possibly when I get home at 9pm some steamed broccoli, or nothing, see how I feel (and how much I weigh...)

Started reading Jane Eyre. So far its good. I have to start Meridian though as I really want to know how the saga ends.

It's starting to warm up.... got to -6C today. Supposed to be over freezing tomorrow, welcome to slush city!!!!

My Poor Car

I thought it was good. I picked it up today and took it to the gym... on the way home the engine light came on.

I'm getting a ride again tomorrow so I don't have to drive it. I'll take it back in after work and find out what's the scoop. If they try to charge me, I'm packing my shit and going home early on vacation. At least there's a mechanic there I can trust. And I'd rather be stranded there than here.

Gym was awesome. I miss Zumba. Did that, ran for 13min (my lungs aren't happy.... I'm fearing a chest infection.) and had my own leg day. Good thing too considering I managed to hit 152.2lbs this morning. Fattest I've been since Sept? Managed to eat less than 700 cals and burned 400 of that without the weight training. Biggest 'indulgence' was the 180cal Luna Bar for the protein. I should really start phasing those out and going back to soups. I will once I'm home.

I'm tired. I have to be up early.

And I'm fucking miserable.

Reflections and Aspirations

I started this blog May 15th, one month before I went to have the Time Of My Life. I did. Since then so much has happened. I've gone from being 191lbs to 138lbs. I have gone from barely able to run two blocks, to running 6km. I have dropped from a size 34 to a size 30 pants, and from a large/XL shirt to fitting all mediums and most smalls.

I've joined a gym, and made a friend in the process. Someone who is trained to watch for what I was trying to do. Someone who admitted that he had been wondering if there was something up with me. Someone who I repect, and yes, had a major crush on. I've learned from him. Learned so much about food, chemicals, exercise, muscles, and how the body works.

I've relocated. Living in two cities which will end in less than 30 days. In just shy of 60 days I will have to find a new place to live.

In 64 days I will have been keeping this blog for 1 year.

I've stopped making progess since October/November. I've gone up and down like a yo yo. I've looked good, and felt fat. I've binged more in the past 2 months than I have done all of September thru December.

It needs to stop.

That was the reflections.

This is the aspirations.

In 12 days I will run my first run. I will have a birthday the day before. I will be 142lbs or less by then.

I aim to be 125lbs at the least eventually. If I can hit 115 that would be perfect, however I may have to give up too much muscle mass to reach that point.

I would like to be at 125 by the time August is here. That way I can enjoy summer and summer fashions. Maybe I will even be able to wear a bikini top with shorts at that point?

Today I had a massive binge. My stomach hurts I ate so much. I can't even eat the cupcakes in the fridge. I think I'll leave those for the nephews.

Tommorow I begin agian. The last year has been about starting and getting 'healthy' again. Now it's about losing the fat and being skinny, and thin. I want to walk into a clothing store and pick out one of the smallest sizes they have to try on. I want to be the one at the gym that everyone is staring at.

The plan? Lose weight. Through restriction, fasting, and exercise. Note, there is no purging allowed!!! I can not get into that cycle!

I have learned much in the past year, I know I can do this as I've got this far. The hardest parts will be getting back into it. I will go through sugar cravings, and probably a fat withdrawal. Possibly even a carb withdrawal. With the late nights at the gym and 3 weeks vacation coming up control shouldn't be too much of an issue. What will be an issue is the amount of dinners, etc I will endure.

I am back to my normal 35cal yogurts. I have salad and a 45cal dressing (as it's too expensive to throw out. Will be going back to the 5cal dressing as soon as it's gone!), celery, water. I have tea, coffee, 35 cal reduced sugar hot chocolate, reduced sugar oatmeal, soups and Luna bars. I can have diet sodas again!!! I would prefer to limit those to 3 times a week though, as treats, or something instead of chocolate/candy. I still have suckers at home to help with sugar issues also.

4:30am I have to be up... hopefully some of this food in my gut will have been digested. I feel so full it hurts. I also weigh 152.5lbs, highest I've been since I binged at Thanksgiving and went to 151lbs. That's a Canadian Thanksgiving so it's even worse!!!

Bed. A new day tomorrow. A new phase begins.

Its One Weekend

Full of binging!!!!

Today we had cinnamon buns for breakfast. Homemade ones. I was still hungry by the time I finished 2. At least there was no icing with them. So my friend made scrambled eggs, and I had a piece of toast with it.

Went grocery shopping, AFTER I finished eating my binge food I didn't eat last night. Then we had lunch, just soup and 2 whole wheat buns from last night.

Cleaned house. I cleaned my living areas, so downstairs, and got to jump around to my tunes. Not having a car is making me sad. I miss howling along to my music. I also played guitar A LOT. My poor fingers hurt. Couldn't make it through Wonderwall before I called it quits. However, got most of Redundant down and played Fucking Perfect again.

Then my friend and I headed out to a movie... with dinner first. Hit the 5 Guys in town as I've been talking about it the whole time I was GMO free, therefore it was off the list. I ate a burger, and half the fries, downing a diet soda as well. We headed to the movie but it was a huge line up and we would have been late for the movie. My coupon included popcorn so there was one bullet I dodged, until one of us mentionned Cinzeo. So off we went to buy MORE sugar.

Once home I weighed myself... yup, up again, though not quite at 150 yet.

I don't know what to do.

We're having french toast tomorrow, thanks to my big fucking mouth mentionning it while we were grocery shopping. I was supposed to go for brunch with Shaun tomorrow but as I'm stuck with no car, it's not happening. All I could think of was french toast, or more specifically, whipped creme.

The rest of the afternoon and evening I will have to myself, sans vehicle. I will probably nap, play on the computer, watch TV/movies, maybe walk up to Esso and get some more Vitamin Water (not ideal but I can't get to a grocery store very easily where I'm staying). I was going to order in pizza... I may still order in pizza. I don't know. I really really want it. I'm craving it.

Tomorrow can go two ways. I can stop eating after I have french toast, or I can stop after eating pizza. Either way I am going back to strict sugar intakes, no fruit, regular low fat, low sugar yogurt, salads, soups and overloading on gym time. Fuck knows I've got the energy/fat stores for it now.

I need my damn car back. I have to hit the gym on Monday. I need to go into overload mode!!!

Tonight... well it's water before bed and weigh myself in the morning. Eat french toast, feel fat and disgusting, maybe add some pizza on and then start the push. I have 12 days before my birthday.... 12 days to hit 140..

I bought some cute hats while shopping today for when I shave my head. However, a fat rounded face won't work. I can't pull off the super short hair if I'm fat. I won't be skinny in 2 weeks, but at least I can drop all this weight.

I see situps in my future, or pushups, everytime I feel hungry.

I just need to survive tomorrow.

Fixing!!!

My car is being fixed!!! Only $350, with an oil change as it's smells like gas got in there. I should have it back tomorrow or Monday morning. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! I'm so incredilby excited. I can go back to the gym!!!

I binged today. Chocolate, gummy bears, and a cupcake. I feel so gross. I"m 148, I was 145.7lbs this morning. I want my control back.... it's the sugar that's doing it. If I have a diet soda I'm fine. Tomorrow I need to chuck the cake I bought, the Skor bar, and the leftover candy. When I go grocery shopping with my friend I need to get the Vitamin Water, and some diet soda. I have gum, so there's something to chew on. I have 2 weeks until my birthday. I can drop this weight and be, not skinny, but at least lighter, than I am now.

I'm fed up of seeing my fat.

I Wanna Go Home

Car was not kind this morning. After dragging my reluctant ass out of bed I tested it, and it sounded fine. Ran just great. Then when I needed it to go to work, it went back to what it was doing yesterday. I called in for work at that point and have spent most of the day at Stephs house trying to figure out what to do, get it towed and find out what exactly my warranty covers.

It does cover a rental so I may still be able to go home. I really really want to. Just to sleep in my own bed, see Shaun, go to the gym.

I could stay here. I can handle that. It is just one weekend. Only if they can fix my car soon. If it's going to be weeks, I will go crazy. I will have to go home. I cant stay here.

I can't even think about it any more.

I was down .1lbs today. Not bad considering it's been a whole friggin week since I went to the gym. I'm getting lazy thanks to all this bs. This whole move was a bad idea. I'm getting fat and losing control of what I eat. Even today I had swiss chalet with the family for dinner. Had there been cupcakes in the house they would have been in grave danger of being eaten. However, I didn't eat any sugar after dinner. Just some dry organic bran flakes.

Wondering how little I can get away with eating tomorrow.... depends on if my car gets fixed or not.

I am exhausted. I am falling asleep.... I'm down again today, not by much. Managed to resist all temptations until I got home and had some poppycock.

Car was crazy today. Hoping that it was just the -41C temperaters that have fucked with it. -13C tomorrow so hopefully it will warm the car up.

More tomorrow, just so damn tired.

Win and Lose

Started out the day sitting in traffic for 1hr 30 min trying to get to work. So far I think that is the longest commute ever, not including trips to this city when I lived in my old city for work..... By the time I hit work I had drunk most of my tea and was hungry. A black coffee helped tie me over, but I was eating my yogurt by 11am. Had a massive meeting from 1-5pm and I ate 3 cookies (reduced sugar ones but not really much better.), then my new GM gave me half her fries, so I ate those too!!!

At 8pm I left the store, 11.5hrs after I got there, and 13hrs since I left the house. I was tired. Dead on my feet. I figured if I went to the gym it would be 830 before I got there, 845 before I was doing some sort of exercise, and at least 10pm before I left. 11 to be home as I had to stop and pick up some supplies, then shower and bed, alarm going off for 545.

I couldn't. I just couldn't manage that. I need sleep. Even now at 11pm with no gym I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Instead I went to pick up the celery and dried prunes that I needed, and then went stupid on chocolate again. Almond bark this time, milk chocolate and dark. I also grabbed a croissant and some gummy bears. I want to puke and it's been 2 hours.

I was 146.5lbs this morning. I was 147.5 post shower. I've just had tea and half a rice cake since my binge so I just hope I can be 146.5 again in the morning. I'd be half assed on track to be 142 if I keep to a minimal diet.

I'm going to the gym tomorrow. I have to. Zumba is at 7pm so I have to leave work by 5:30 at the latest. Earlier I get there, more cardio is possible. Then go back on Thursday before work as I don't start until 1230, so go for 9am, work out till 11am or later, shower there and head to work. Do an arm day... Should do back and tris (aka chin up day) as I haven't done one of those in a while. Friday head home early again (try for hitting the road 330-4pm) and going to my gym for the evening. Do a 6km run and a leg workout as Saturday will be arms. I will get my 4 workouts in for this week, take Sunday off and then for next week go with Monday, Wednesday, Thurs or fri and sat.

I have to do new goals for the month. I'm thinking to aim for 140 by my birthday this month, and then maintain until the end of the month, or into the high 130's. Second goal has to be food related. I did so well with the non-purging last month and I hope that's out of my habits now, but I need to deal with the chocolate/candy/binging issues. I'm thinking to have a treat day once a week. Have A treat. Not a whole pile of different treats until I feel sick. Have a cookie, a bite of cake, something..... if I feel like it. If I can resist, resisit but it doesn't carry over to 2 treats the next week. I have no idea what the last one could be.... either do my 6k run in under 40min (sad, but I'm at 43min right now. I'm so slow, but 10lbs lighter would help that!!!) or moving related...

Excited for tomorrow for gym and kinda to see the scales too!!!

Ahhhhh

Tomorrow is a new month. February has sucked. Today was no exception. An audit, another binge and no gym again. I worked 13 hours, and started it all an hour in by hitting Walmart that shares the parking lot to eat mini donuts, a box of Glosette raisins, and a pack of gummy bears.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Snowed like an SOB today. It was a glorious -3C this weekend. -24C today, and by morning -35C. Thanks Mother Nature. Just was I was starting to get excited about spring.

But tomorrow is a new month, a new store and a chance to begin agian. I can go to work tomorrow, skip the sugar binges, eat my lunch, go to the gym, work out, hit the store and pick up celery and prunes, maybe a small treat, and come home to starve or have veggies.

I was 147.2 this morning, I'm hoping for 146.5 by morning but I'm not sure I can hit that. It's Monday, giving me 5 days to drop at least 5lbs. If I stick to being smart I can get down there.

I will posts March's goals tomorrow, but I've got ideas. Enough of this bull shit. Winter is almost over (I hope) it's time to get serious again!

Bye Bye Weekend

And what a glorious weekend you were. Yes, I gained a MASSIVE amount of weight, and I failed at my attempt to do GMO free for six weeks, but I got to go out with friends (despite there's now video evidence of me singing 'Wannabe'. Yup, fauxhawk and all....) make a new friend, sleep late twice in a row, watch movies, eat pizza, cake, bread and have a diet Dr. Pepper.

Today I didn't quite do my fast. I ate two pieces of toast from the bread I made on Saturday. I'm not sure about that bread as it wasn't quite sweet enough to be a desert bread, and not quite plain enough to be a dinner bread. Don't think I'll be making that one again. I then managed nothing until I was halfway through my drive north and I ate a bunch of gummy candy. Once up here I had a tiny cinnamon bun my friend made and I didn't have the heart to say no. She was just so eager to feed me one now I"m off my GMO free kick. I did end up eating a handful of plain cheerios, and 2 hershey kisses also, but while I was 149.6lbs this morning (EGAD!!!!) I'm 147.7 right now as I drink my reduced sugar hot chocolate.

Tomorrow is the last day at the store I've been at all month and I'm really quite sad to leave. I loved the GM, and the other members of the mgmt team were just as awesome. However, I'm excited to work with my new GM, a chick too!!!! We'll kick some ass and take some names!

I'm on an earlier shift so I will have plenty of time to hit the gym. Hoping I can do a leg day. Zumba is at 6 I believe, so do legs after and be home by 830 or so, or legs before and head out at 7pm.... See how things go down in reality!

I have to hit a grocery store though. I need celery, hot chocolate and something else I forgot.... If I have enough money. I'm kinda super broke this week.

Ugh, I hate early mornings, and tomorrow I have to be up by 5:45am. That's in 6 hrs.

Bah.

Wander: Thank you. You are so right. Cheat days are allowed and I can and will get back on track. You are doing fantastic and while we've both done the stupid binge cycle the past few months you've cracked it. I will now do the same :)

Day Off

I'm taking a day off. I know what my weight is but I'm not posting it. I know what I was supposed to eat, but I'm not doing that. I know I was planning on going to the gym, but fuck it, I'm taking today off.

Some of that has to do with the fact I woke up feeling a tiny bit short of breath. I'm hoping that this cold doesn't go to my chest as I'm well and truly fucked for the gym this week if it does. I'm not coughing, just feeling short of breath. Honey and lemon with hot water, vitamins, tea and maybe some Dayquil. As much as I hate to, maybe it will be just enough to get rid of the cold heading to my chest.

That's it for that. I made sugar cookies, and ate a ton. I'm making bread right now, and as soon as it's cooled I'm having a few slices. Yummy!!!! I drive tonight and I'm eating pizza. Double yummy!!! I haven't had CHEESE in so long!!!! I'm going to have diet soda, and depending on how much I make tonight, maybe go have a piece of chocolate cake or something sweet and baked delicious badness.

It's my day off. I want to enjoy it guilt free. I'll let the guilt drive me tomorrow.

Cracked

I cracked today. Tonight more like it. I went out with friends after hitting the gym and ended up with a diet Coke, then 2 shots of sour puss and helped them finish off the nachos. Figuring I was already fucking up my GMO free diet, when driving my friend home we hit Burger King and I had a burger, poutine and pop, then hit a donut place after where I proceded to shove 3 donuts in my mouth.

So fucking good.

I'm 148.1lbs. I was 144.8lbs.

I managed 30something days before cracking. But I had a fantastic time at karaoke tonight.

I'm going to bake bread in the morning and stay away from chocolate and junk. I've satisfied a massive craving I've had for ages so I should be able to focus for the last 7 days until my weigh in. By now I just want to be 142 or less.

Hitting the gym tomorrow around noon or 1pm. Do a long day, have a leg day. Eat oatmeal and fresh bread for breakfast, salad for lunch. Drive in the evening, starve for dinner.

I'm not thin yet. I need to get working again.

Another Shorty

Tired again. Ate too much again. No gym today as my knees and shoulders hurt too much and not in the good 'you worked the muscles hard yesterday' kind of way. More like the 'you didn't have knees lined up properly during the weighted squats yesterday' way.

I ate so much chocolate. Then I had a craving for bread. I ate 4 rolls, a brownie, a chocolate bar... and I think I still will weigh the same if not less tomorrow than I did this morning, which is good considering how much I weigh. 145.9 right now, but I was 145.2 this morning.

Tomorrow is home day :) It's also try to hit the gym day, skip out of work early day, and go with my friends who will be drinking to kareoke day. I said I'd go. I can't eat or drink thanks to the GMO free diet, so I'll probably be bored and tired. I'll also probably end up driving everyones drunk ass home.

I felt like shit this morning but as the day progresses I feel better. I had honey and lemon for a pre bed drink and I'll probably have another before work tomorrow, maybe more at work. My nose is running lots but I don't consider it a cold yet. Just a minor case of the sniffles. If I'm still able to tomorrow I'll hit the gym, skip the 6k run and do light cardio and arms, with legs on Saturday. Weights are easier with a potential cold than running so much.

Food day tomorrow will be heavier in the morning and light in the evening. I don't have any oatmeal besides the horrible plain stuff so I may have the last of the bread for breakfast, just warm it up a bit. Honey and lemon while I get ready, and tea once I'm at work. The usual salad, apple, celery and yogurt for work, with apple or rice cake and tea or coffee for the drive home (probably tea). Hit the gym and a Luna bar with some of the protein smoothie post workout then out with the girls. Saturday will probably be a very light food day, almost like a fast/cleanse day, with Sunday picking up on the veggies again.

I have 7 days to get to 140. I know I can do it, maybe get even lower. NO MORE FUCKING CHOCOLATE. I need to STARVE again. I enjoyed the feeling of being empty last week. I need that again.

I've decided that once I hit 135 I'm going to try to find and buy one of those awesome workout shirts without the back for Zumba. They look awesome and are kinda flowing and not skin tight. I think a black one would look good on me.

I've also decided to shave my head. Not like bic it, just a buzz.... I'm also very excited that Shaun has offered to do it for me :) Tim is jealous lol! Asshole.

Quick Post

Today was a bit crazy. I'm down to 146.1lbs but I can't find my book that I write it all in. I have hunted and hunted. I know I brought it up here as I wrote in it Tuesday morning. I just can't find it.

Work was ok. I'm being moved again next week which sucks as I love the store I'm in, but it's what I signed up for. I knew there would be some places I'd love and this was one of them, but it's time to experience more things.

I got home and crashed, just so damn tired. Crawled my ass out of bed after a 20min nap and went to the gym. Loved Zumba, not sure how much of the body blast I acually did as it felt kinda easy, and then had to go back to work for a meeting. In that 30min from the gym to work I found out that my friend that I'm living with may have lost her baby (she was about 2 months along) and that my sister is engaged.

I'm flying high, and crashing all at the same time.

Wander, you're so right. I am going to plan a day once a week were I can have a treat. Next week it will be Monday or Tuesday and I will either have a cookie or some chocolate from the Natural food store.

Pre bed note... I was 145.9 before my tea. Thank goodness it's going back down. The next 4 days will be very crucial!!!!

Yuck

Last night I could feel the beginning of a sore throat. Today I can feel the sinus pressure, the heavy puffy eyes, the feeling of not being quite right. To top it off my neck really hurts and I don't know if that's due to the weights yesterday or being sick. Plan tonight is to post this, do my post on PT and then hit the hay and get some sleep. I don't have time to be sick.

I was down this morning, thank goodnes, but not by much.147.2 means I dropped a half a pound. I was doing fantastic today until I decided no gym seeing as I felt like shit, and insted was going to go get some GMO free chicken noodle soup.

I got to the Community Food store and the soup they had was a no chicken noodle soup. I needed the chicken part for the potential cold so I decided to get one of those broths in the cardboard containers, add some whole grain pasta, veggies and pepper and make my own cheat 'soup'... then I passed the chocolate section.

I walked out with frozen brocoli, broth, licorice, milk chocolate almond bark, dark chocolate almond bark, raspberry dark chocolate, banana nut loaf (half size) 2 Luna bars and I think that was all. I ate the entire half banana nut loaf, half of each of the almond bark and half the other chocolate bar by the time I got home (fucking rush hour traffic). I then pissed around on the guitar and when my friend and her 2 kids got home I headed upstairs and steamed up some brocoli and made my soup (which was just broth, pasta, pepper and cayenne pepper... maybe too much of the latter). After I had a bowl of cereal and a cup of tea before cutting it off around 8:30pm.

I'm hoping that didn't fuck everything up. Again.

Tomorrow is my crazy day. I get up, go to work, come back home for an hour then hit the gym. Do cardio to warm up, 1 hr of Zumba, 1 hr of body blast (the awesome strenght class that I LOVE) and then after a quick shower at the gym, back to work to teach a class. I won't be home till 11pm so no time to eat.

Plan is coffee and oatmeal for breaky, salad, yogurt, celery and apple for lunch. Rice cake and half a Luna bar for pre gym snack. Other half of a Luna bar after. I may try to hit a booster juice on the way back to the store as I'll need something. I have nothing quick to take with me. Just some more celery or salad, but I think just having a booster juice will serve me well as while it's heavy on sugar (natural) and higher in calories, at least it's liquid and not damn chocolate. With a protein booster, only having half and plenty of water I should be ok. I used to do that all the time on Monday nights back home.

Ugh, I just need to lose this sore throat.

Wander; I think it's just the sugar cravings as I try to cut it out too rapidly. I've overcome it before but having severe issues with willpower this time around. I'm trying agian tomorrow, cutting out chocolate and sweets, but I think I kinda need to go back to having 'treat' days as I'm cracking far too often planning on not having them. Ugh, I think this GMO thing is the problem too. As for Facebook, it's that stupid cityville that's got me going lately. And the absolute need to see whats going on in peoples lives. I'm finding I'm using the messaging more than texting as I can write way more and it's easier to read in one go....

Is It October?

No? February? A whole 4 months later? THEN WHY THE FUCK DO I WEIGH THE SAME!!!

I was 147.7 this morning. Ouch. That really hurt. True, it wasn't the 149 that i was the night before, but still. Wow....

I slept till 10:40am today giving me enough time to get up, wash my face, try and make my hair look a little less like I'd just crawled out of bed (short hair doesn't do it that well, especially when there's still hairspray in it...), change into my gym stuff and hit the gym. I got there in time for a 25min cardio on the elliptical before we went into leg day. He joked about me having jello legs tomorrow and we were going to push it.

The squat weight was definatly heavy. I felt it in my back though. We went into the yoga/fitness room and did weighted step ups (25lbs in each hand), sliders (which my core lady used to call 'mountain climbing') and then onto hamstring curls on the fit ball. My legs definatly felt like jello.... Then I did 30 min on a spin bike.

Once home I ate half a Luna bar, a few chips and salsa and some prunes before hitting the shower. After I made myself wait before having a salad and on the road I ate a rice cake and an apple with coffee (I actually had sugar in it... only 15cals but mmmmmm lol) and water. Once I got to my friends I had 3 eggs scrambled and the last of the bread that Shaun brought over yesterday which was very very very yummy again. I'm on my second cup of tea but I haven't eaten or snacked since.

My snack foods are mostly gone. I have a few pieces of licorice (8cals per piece... was once my 'treat' food) and the usual chips for salsa but no pineapple rings, or chocolate here!

I have to be down to 140 by March 5th. I'd prefer to be lower to make up for the eating that will happen the week after. The idea is to basically cut out my stupid sugars and snacking. I'm also thinking of doing something similar to the IF fasting but I'm not sure how that would work. I have to have something in the morning to get the metabolism going but then I don't eat until noon or 1pm. If I do that, then I would have to stop eating at 4pm which would be bad as I usually don't hit the gym until 5 or 6 and not having at least steamed veggies after wouldn't be too smart. I'll get super hungry and binge.

I think I'll just stick to my 3 basic meals and one snack, but restrict those. Aim for a max of 800 cals (today was close to that total not net) and bounce between 500-800. I have 12 days left then I can get back onto my old routine involving lots of brothy soups so that will help!!! For now, oatmeal, yogurt, salad and apples. Celery I have now too, then for dinners, miso soup, and veggies. Snacks, prunes and chips. Post/pre workout the Luna bars as I'll need some protein.

Wow.... I'm still in shock that I've gained that much in such a short time. Hopefully it'll be easy to lose. No wonder I felt so gross.

Hug

Got up, did my yoga, some light weights, didn't eat until after noon.

I was 145.1 this morning. 147 by the time I actually ate something (WTF!!! How did I gain 2lbs eating NOTHING). I'm 150 now.

I cleaned and cooked during the morning, had the back of my hair trimmed early afternoon, got ready and continued to cook throughout the late afternoon. I made the pita bread. It was time consuming in having it rest for 2hrs, then another 20 min right before rolling, but so well worth it. Absolutly yummy.

Shaun showed up around 5pm and we ate my chicken soup (more soupy than stewy... it didn't thicken properly), pitas, cookies (that failed. Cane sugar is not the best), chocolate and some cocoa/coffee/rye bread that he brought over. I am so full!!!

We spent an extra 2 hours talking, on the internet, just bullshitting. It was awesome. He gave me a hug. I wasn't prepared. I thought he was doing the half hug, but no it was a full hug and it was perfect :)

Because of that I am not going to freak out that I'm now the same weight I was back in November, that I've basically undone the last 3 months of work.

I still will, however, make plans for tomorrow and going forward. It's back to restriction, me thinks. I did some googling on ketogenic diets but I don't think I could do it. Mostly because of silly things like not being able to have yogurt or milk in my tea. It also relies on having a lot of fat and protein. I'm sure it works but from what I've read it will come back in a few days in water retention once I start eating carbs again.

That's what I think most of this is, water retention. At least I hope so. I feel fatter. I feel like there's a few inches of fat added around my stomach, my ass, my legs. It has to go. I have 13 days. I need to go back to controlling sugars, no breads, grains etc. Back to salads, and soups, the basics. Pretty much starve and eat at the same time.

Tomorrow depends on how I wake up. I don't know if I should have tea or not, but if I don't eat, tea for sure. If I do eat, no tea. Water, lots of water. Then training. Post training the luna bar and right before I leave, salad. For dinner, maybe some stew, or half of it. Maybe some steamed veggies. I want to eat the leftover stew, just as it's so good. It's not a huge portion. I can break it into 2 easily. I could have it tuesday and wednesday. Don't think I could leave it until Thursday which would be ideal.... unless I froze it. That is kinda perfect. I literally thought of that right now.... I'm totally doing that. That way I won't be tempted to eat it tomorrow. Hell, I could have it on the weekend. Hmmm...

I still want to be 140 by March 5th. 10lbs in 13 days? If its water and I"m 147 or lower by morning its doable.

Sleep time