Hope

I need it. I cling to it. If I didn't hope I'd be well and truly lost.

I was barely below 150 this morning. By .3lbs. This has gone on long enough. Today was the last day of people buying me lunch etc. I had lunch with Shannon (salad which was fine but the twist bread was a major bad move) and then dinner with my parents (Ethiopian. I love it. I ate so much of it.) I managed not to go to the grocery store and buy cake as that is what my mind was telling me I should do. Instead I had a bunch of popcorn and Nutella. I'm .1lb over what I was last night when I went to bed.

I lose my trianer in 9 days. In 9 days I will be left alone for an unknown amount of time. I won't be driving 'home' every weekend, I'll be looking for a new place in a new city. I need to save money, desperatly save money, pay off debts. Hopefully in a month I will be able to work with my trainer again, but it will be a month at least.

Wow, that puts me around May.... What better way to celebrate May by finally getting to 131lbs and being able to say I lost 60lbs in one year.

This bullshit has to go away. I can not gain. I will not be one of those people who gain weight back. With me not seeing my trainer I won't get any ideas in my head about going 'healthy' etc. I want to be skinny. I'll work on the healthy after.

I don't ever want to sit in my car, disgusted, hitting my legs as they barely fit into my nice dress pants I bought just before Christmas. I may have lost some weight but I'm still barely into the 'normal' range. I still hate looking at myself in a mirror.

Tomorrow will be a new day. I will get up around 8am. Hang out and have tea, then shower and be ready to go by 9:30, 10am. Head down to my Dad's work with the record player, head to my old work to buy the new record player and the DVD/CD I desperatly want (and maybe Up In The Air. ) I'll come home and maybe make cookies, clean and then go back to my Dad's work with cookies for Jeff and the turn table. Off to the gym and maybe driving, don't know yet. I kinda hope not as I want to do some more packing. I'll have to find out first thing as I won't be making cookies if I have to drive at 5pm.

I also would like to go through my cupboards and get rid of as much food as I can. Empty cupboards are always good motivation.

Food plan tomorrow. I don't want to eat until after my workout, so 4:30pm. I'm hoping to have a max feed time of 6 hours, but I would prefer 4 or 5 and even then it will be limited. Steamed veggies, salad and perhaps some broth soup. During the day, water, tea, maybe some milk about an hour or so before I hit the gym. I need to buy more vitamin water and milk also.

I want to see how little I can eat for Tuesday, Weds and Thurs. Wednesday is going to be the tough one. I'm hoping I can get to the Zumba class but Steph may be unhappy about that. Thursday is the OM meeting for half the day so I should be able to avoid lunch and if I can't, just a salad. See if I can hit the gym Weds and Thurs. Basically overdo it this week in efforts to try to get back to 145. At least it will be in the right direction.

I'm most looking forward to emptying my cupboards.....