Blindsided

At least thats how I felt when he asked me what I thought of myself now, and if I was happy with what I saw in the mirror.

I woke up late, 10:20am, meaning in an hour I was supposed to be on a piece of cardio. Had a few sips of tea, water and headed out, ignoring the check engine light again. Jumped on an elliptical for 25 min and waited for Shaun. Started a leg day, changing shit up again. Doing some wierd one legged glute leg press and then went into the class room for free wall squats. While in there he asked me the question.

I didn't know how to answer so I blurted out 'No' which was the truth. I ended up babbling about a 'number' on the scale and how I know it's just a number, but it's a damn number that matters. I also babbled about having issues with eating etc, eating the 'right' foods and too much snacking/junk shit over Feb.

I think he may have asked why I'm not happy as I remember saying something like I can't see the results. I don't think I at any point said coz I still see fat but it was definatly implied. The discussion changed to portion control, and starchy foods. I need to cut out potatoes and bread again like I was doing before Christmas, and definatly control portions.

The IF is in day 3 and so far it's ok. I think sleeping in definatly helped. I stopped eating at 8pm so I can eat again at noon tomorrow, until 8pm again. I was down again today. 148.1lbs. It's not much, but again it's in the right direction. I won't hit my goal of 140 by Friday, I'd have to starve to get there, as in not eat anything until Friday, and then I'd binge. With the run the next day I think I'll eat.

Which brings me to my next rambling. I'm eating. I'm not counting calories. I'm having chocolate, potatos, bread, cookies etc. I'm still stressing about the number on the scale but I've gone up 10lbs and am not overreacting.

What does this mean for me?

What does this make me?

I want to be lower in weight. I want to be skinny. I still look in the mirror and see fat that needs to go away. I still feel terrible after I've eaten chocolate or anything that used to be on the 'absolultly no fucking way' list.

But part of me is liking the fact that I can eat, and still fast. That I can go out with a friend for a meal instead of always saying no. That I can actually have a 'normal' eating pattern and habits.

I've had more energy lately, despite the other night crashing on the couch. I've found in the last 3 days I can say no, I can stop eating when I'm full, or have just eaten.

I've dolled the baking up, and only have a small amount of chocolate and such left. Tomorrow, Jason is taking me out for a birthday lunch. I am hoping we can go to BP's as they have a very delicious spinach salad that with the fat free raspberry vinegarette dressing is less than 200 cals (I think? It's no more than 300). If I go at 1 or 2pm, take something driving with me, and I should be still driving when my no eating kicks back in. In other words a very low calorie day.

I don't know what to do anymore but a huge part of me is saying to ride out the weekend, stay with the IF and keep the calories reasonable and the exercise a focus. If I can continue to lose a little every day, and hit 145 by Friday I'll be ok.... for now.