Reflections and Aspirations

I started this blog May 15th, one month before I went to have the Time Of My Life. I did. Since then so much has happened. I've gone from being 191lbs to 138lbs. I have gone from barely able to run two blocks, to running 6km. I have dropped from a size 34 to a size 30 pants, and from a large/XL shirt to fitting all mediums and most smalls.

I've joined a gym, and made a friend in the process. Someone who is trained to watch for what I was trying to do. Someone who admitted that he had been wondering if there was something up with me. Someone who I repect, and yes, had a major crush on. I've learned from him. Learned so much about food, chemicals, exercise, muscles, and how the body works.

I've relocated. Living in two cities which will end in less than 30 days. In just shy of 60 days I will have to find a new place to live.

In 64 days I will have been keeping this blog for 1 year.

I've stopped making progess since October/November. I've gone up and down like a yo yo. I've looked good, and felt fat. I've binged more in the past 2 months than I have done all of September thru December.

It needs to stop.

That was the reflections.

This is the aspirations.

In 12 days I will run my first run. I will have a birthday the day before. I will be 142lbs or less by then.

I aim to be 125lbs at the least eventually. If I can hit 115 that would be perfect, however I may have to give up too much muscle mass to reach that point.

I would like to be at 125 by the time August is here. That way I can enjoy summer and summer fashions. Maybe I will even be able to wear a bikini top with shorts at that point?

Today I had a massive binge. My stomach hurts I ate so much. I can't even eat the cupcakes in the fridge. I think I'll leave those for the nephews.

Tommorow I begin agian. The last year has been about starting and getting 'healthy' again. Now it's about losing the fat and being skinny, and thin. I want to walk into a clothing store and pick out one of the smallest sizes they have to try on. I want to be the one at the gym that everyone is staring at.

The plan? Lose weight. Through restriction, fasting, and exercise. Note, there is no purging allowed!!! I can not get into that cycle!

I have learned much in the past year, I know I can do this as I've got this far. The hardest parts will be getting back into it. I will go through sugar cravings, and probably a fat withdrawal. Possibly even a carb withdrawal. With the late nights at the gym and 3 weeks vacation coming up control shouldn't be too much of an issue. What will be an issue is the amount of dinners, etc I will endure.

I am back to my normal 35cal yogurts. I have salad and a 45cal dressing (as it's too expensive to throw out. Will be going back to the 5cal dressing as soon as it's gone!), celery, water. I have tea, coffee, 35 cal reduced sugar hot chocolate, reduced sugar oatmeal, soups and Luna bars. I can have diet sodas again!!! I would prefer to limit those to 3 times a week though, as treats, or something instead of chocolate/candy. I still have suckers at home to help with sugar issues also.

4:30am I have to be up... hopefully some of this food in my gut will have been digested. I feel so full it hurts. I also weigh 152.5lbs, highest I've been since I binged at Thanksgiving and went to 151lbs. That's a Canadian Thanksgiving so it's even worse!!!

Bed. A new day tomorrow. A new phase begins.