I'm still messed up from yesterday.

Work sucked and they fed me candy. 'M' is kind of the candy conossieur at work and I was part of it, so today he had candied blackcurrant jelly things from Denmark and gave me one. I couldn't say no without running out of the lunch room and offending him, so I ate it. The outside was all sugar. I don't want to know what the nutritional information was. I ate the usual, but added that bean salad coz it needed to be eaten.

I skipped out to hit the suppliment store and get some protein powder, and $80 later I had some, but omg it is horrible. I almost hurled. I couldn't get it down!!! It's green and while it faintly smells of vanilla, it's absolutely foul. It doesn't disolve properly so it's thick and gross. I thought I was going to puke all over the place.

Hit the gym and only did 15 min on the elliptical before the hour of yoga. I think it felt easier but I wasn't in the mood to push myself. Came home and did some ab work (3 sets of 40 situps plus some ball work) and then forced a dose of the protein powder in. If I mix it properly and chug it it isn't quite as horrible. I still gagged.

I can still taste it. I can still smell it. Anything has to be better than that.

I looked at high protein foods. It's chicken, tuna, salmon, cottage cheese (bleck!), lean meats etc. I could eat the tuna and cottage cheese, but eggs seems to be the way to go for calories.

I'm not going to hit 135g of protein a day. If I try I will have to abandon the thought of dropping 15lbs this month.

I'm stuck. I can either follow 'S's plan and bump up what I'm eating to around 1500 calories to see if I can hit 100g or protein or higher. I can go nuts and see what slow weight loss will do plus gaining muscle. I'll drop the fat pounds and gain muscle.

Or I can abandon this and just eat as much protein as I can get, but keep with the restriction, basically keep doing what I did last month, but be stricter. Do what I did the last 2 weeks, drop that 15lbs and hit 135 by the next weigh in. I can't imagine what 'S' will say but hopefully with the weight trianing I can avoid dropping too much muscle mass, and try to keep the protein as high as possible, but lots of cardio and low sugar.

I want to restrict. I want to drop that weight and get closer to that 117 goal. Besides if I get there by January I may move after and can deal with the muscle gain and eating right then.

I've got to get my mind back in the game. It's become ok for me to eat like crazy and disregard some of my rules. I'm all blocked up right now and it will be 3 days tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm supposed to have a friend over, if she comes over. We'll have treats as always, but I'll just go with salad and dressing for lunch and yoghurt. I should go to bed now and get my ass up at 6am to hit the gym. Do some cardio etc until 730 then come home to get ready for work. This way I can still hit the gym, and hang out without feeling too guilty, otherwise I won't do anything.

To keep on the 15lb plan I have to be 147.8lbs. That's 1.1lbs less than I was this morning, so I'm not going to hit it. If I could only go to the bathroom I'm sure that will help!!! I want to do liquids only but realisticly I can't. If my friend comes over tomorrow I'll eat with her, then if I go liquids only on Thursday I'll die during my core class.... but I could do it anyways and break the fast Friday evening in time for Saturday morning training. I just don't want to actually pass out, and at least pretend that I can keep up. Or I can fast Saturday and Sunday except fuck it it's supposed to rain again on Sunday... Can I ever go out on the bike? I need to be 146 by the weekend.

I'll just play it by ear.

Fuck did this ever screw with everything. I need to get my focus back. NOW!!!!