Tomorrow's the big day.... And I've fucked it up beautifully.

I was 148.2 this morning, and as the day's gone by I've gained to 150.2lbs. I think I've had about 400 calories, and according to a few websites the broth soup and popcorn should help things move through quicker. I need that pasta to be gone!!! Problem is, I don't know if it has or not. I don't think it moved through in 12hrs, so hopefully tomorrow morning will prove me right...

I'm trying not to do any reflecting tonight as I'll be doing that tomorrow, once I have my weigh in numbers.

Well, today didn't turn out as planned. Was really windy and I didn't even want to go out and ride up and down the hill. I was still sore from yesterday and thought why not take a day off. I hung around the house, did all the cleaning, and then hit walmart and safeway.

While at Safeway I had to get some tea, which is of course in the bakery section. Walking by I had to look at all the delicious things they have out there. I picked up so many things and looked at the nutritional information on them, trying not to salivate too much. I had an evil thought. Why don't I have one day where I binge. A planned binge if you will. One night where I can eat whatever I want.

There's problems with that. I read on the forum that one binge can add 7lbs. That's a hell of a lot, even if it does come out mostly a day or so later. So far in August there was nothing to really go nuts about, in September it was San Francisco/Oakland, which I survived (same as England.... Camping however really fucked me up a bit). In October there's already 2 things, and maybe a third. There's thanksgiving, then inventory, and possibly a trip to Calgary.

I want those foods. I want the cake, the crazy truffle looking cupcakes, the pecan pies, donuts, butter pan roll, chips with the seafood dip, chocolate, cheesecake and vanilla slices. I would sit down, and maybe have a McDonalds fish meal while I was at it, and eat and eat and eat. Eat till I was ready to puke, but I can't. I'll lick my fingers, lick the plate, lick the container it came in, go to bed feeling like I'm ready to burst, full of sugar and wake up the next day full of regret.

I've planned a day already. Thursday, right after core training. As soon as I'm done I'll head to the grocery store, pile my basket full and go home to be a glutton. I don't have training again until Saturday. That gives me Friday to not eat anything, give my poor system time to get through what I just did to it. It'll be a day of 10,000 calories. One glorious feast.

But as others have pointed out, why undo all the work I just did? Why plan on a binge and allow myself to do this as next time it will just be easier to make the excuses. Plus, the next 3 months are going to be binge enticing as it is. There's all of October, then November with a possible conference, the turkey dinner up north, and then Christmas. I'll need every ounce I can cut.

I can't. I can't have a huge binge. Maybe I'll have one cake or something. I'll use it as a reward for reaching a goal.... that sounds better. When I break 145 I can have a cupcake, or a cookie or something. Then at 140 I can have a piece of cake, or some seafood dip or something.

That sounds more reasonable.....?

I won't hit my goal tomorrow, it's just not going to happen. I like the 'plans' I've made up over the last month and will continue with that so that's one good thing from September.

What will tomorrow bring....