Labels

We're all a label, whether we want to be or not. I can label myself ten ways from Sunday... I'm a punk, ex smoker, ex drug addict, a high school graduate, a university drop out, guitarist, flurtist (sp?), general musician, reader, writer and I could go on and on and on.... No matter what I do, I will always have a label and be a statistic.


It's something I've had to reconcile myself to. I never wanted to be a statistic, but I realised many years ago that being a smoker made me yet another statistic, then quitting made me antoerh one. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.


Now I'm struggling with yet another label. I've got food issues, or at least weight issues. I want to lose more weight, I obsess about exercise and calories. I was really crazy about it in September and the beginning of October but I've gotten almost complacent in November and paid for it with poor results. I still think about it all the time, but I think I've eaten more in the past month.


I've got goals for this month, I got up early to do them before work. I've got my days planned where I will probably go over (my Dad's 60th birthday, tomorrow at work etc.) but I've got a plan for the rest. I'm going to cut back on the binging on the weekend as that's where I'm getting killed, I've got to cut back on the senseless snacking, and make a return to the almost liquid fasting on Sundays. It worked 2 months ago, I need it to work now.


I'm at my natural healthy weight, I'm making a conscious decision to go below that, or at least attempt to do it, and while I won't say whatever the cost, I know it will have to take sacrifices. I've already sacrificed quite a bit and don't miss it, so what's a bit more!


So what does this all make me?

I joined a forum a few months ago as I can't talk to the people in my life about what goes through in my head. I started this blog many months ago just as a method of tracking moods and eating to see if there was any correlation (which there definatly is) and to be able to unload emotionally and anonymously. I've found a few people on the forum that I talk to frequently and they really help me through my lows as I do try to help them.


I weigh myself at least twice a day, and have taken my scale with me to friends houses if I stay overnight as I'm scared of not knowing what I weigh. When people come over to my house I hide my charts, graphs and journal in the bathroom with my daily weight, BMI, BF% and BF in lbs. I've tried to make myself purge, despite knowing that I just can't physically do it. I've gone for days with only liquids, days below 200 calories, and have days where there is no other way to describe what I do other than binge.


Eating disorders always meant anorexia to me. That's just what I always thought of. I knew bulimia existed (there was a rumour about my mother being bulimic but I can't verify it...) but never really thought about it. It wasn't until I started becoming paranoid about what I put in my mouth and noticing my desperate need to hide what I was doing and the lying to friends and my trainer about food, that I started looking online for answers. I found so many but they gave me more questions.


Where do I fit in with this world? What is my label? Why is it so important to me, someone who wants not to be that label, to have this title. Am I 'good' enough to fit in? Am I too fat, not disciplined enough, not dropping those horrid pounds fast enough to consider myself part of this group?


That's what's in my head today, and has been bugging me for a while.


Bringing to me to my other thought today... this blog. I never thought that I would stick with it this long, or drop this much weight. I didn't really explore this site when I started, just enough to chose the black background, and the blue font (realised today it's kinda hart to read!!!) and how to post. After joining the forum I got into reading other blogs for just some insight into the lives of others with this way of thinking, and posted my link on my profile.... I really didn't expect anyone to actually read this!!!


I'm kind of embarrassed about some of those earlier posts, fighting the urge to go back and re-read or edit some of them....


I discovered the stat's tab and the comments tab a few days ago. I have comments :) and readers!!!! Thank you very much. It's cool to see that someone has similar goals to me (and digs George!!!!), and that people are reading my ramblings. I'm still figuring out this blogger and can't figure out if I can reply to specific comments (I was so used to LJ) or if I have to do it in posts.

I'm also debating changing the background... but that's for another day... maybe I'll do my top 5 men countdown and use them as backgrounds... Hmm... I already know who would be number 1, but the other 3 would requrie some thought. Maybe do my top 5 female influences also....

Another day... I'm tired.

Before I log off... today: Richard gave me a white bread roll and 3 pieces of Hershey chocolate. Well, he tried to give me more but thats all I gave into. I had my oatmeal in the morning then spaced my salad, mandarin orange, rice cake and yogurt out over the course of the day. Had to eat something (a loaded teaspoon of cottage cheese and 5 crackers with salsa) when I got home as I was having lots of stomach growling. Hit the gym and ran for 39 min (I used the incline and it really bugged my knee... had to stop as I didn't want to really screw something up) then did some arms and abs. I was going to do more but just ran out of steam and wanted to get home to eat broccoli. Had that, some more crackers and salsa, fat free/sugar free jello, popcorn (thank goodness my microwave is garbage. It doesn't pop the entire bag) and tea. Less than 900 cals but I'm at 145 right now so I don't think i'll get back down to 142.9 by morning.

Tomorrow is that stupid sale. We've got mini donuts and coffee arriving for staff and customers at 10am so I'll try to resist those. I have to go buy all the lunch stuff so bread, lunch meat, chips, cookies etc. I plan on taking salad and yogurt as usual, but I think tomorrow I may have a sandwich, maybe a few chips and a cookie. I wont' be able to hit the gym thanks to the 12hr work day, but if I keep it in moderation I should be ok.

Here's hoping.....