Fixing Problems

If you've got a problem, you fix it. What happens when you can't fix it? Just deal and live or fix as best you can and keep repairing?

I've had a shitty few days. Thursday sucked thanks to the visit, Friday sucked at job number 2, Saturday sucked thanks to job number 2 again, and today sucked thanks to my friend.... and the root cause of every single one was food.

That stupid lunch caused problems, then I pigged out at the second job on Friday night which meant I was cranky and not on form for the gym on Saturday. The candy I had on Friday, then again on Saturday an hour before the gym. Then I ate a ton on Saturday night, paniced and thought that what I had pigged out on before would promote a rapid bowel movement like it has done so many times before so I ordered it and stuffed it in my mouth as fast as I could. Sunday I woke up full and feeling gross to find that my friend was expecting me at 11am for brunch. I'd said yes as she'd guilted me into it. I went and there was far more food than I planned, and I binged yet again. I was still full from that at 8pm tonight when I ate the leftover soup.

I feel so full still. I feel sick. I've basically binged for 4 days and haven't had that hoped for release.

I have ruined yet another weigh in.

I went from 140.5 to 147.4 (just now... was 145.5 this morning).

I don't know what to do.

Right now I'm back in panic mode. I almost cried when I saw 147 on the scale. I will probably be 146 tomorrow and if I'm lucky back to 145 by Tuesday.

Should I delay my weigh in? I have training on tuesday, then a week on tuesday as it's his birthday on Saturday. That gives me an entire week to severly restrict and drop back to 140. I think that question may depend on what the scales say on Tuesday morning.

Tomorrow I will get up around 8am, no later, maybe have a cup of tea but plenty of water, and be at the gym by 9am. Hit the treadmill hard for 40 min or more. Then do some arms work (it's leg day on tuesday...) and onto the bike for 30 min or so. Head home around 11am after a shower, a mug of tea. I'll take salad, yogurt and a soup packet to work. That's less than 200 cals. That's all I can have besides water, and preferably eat as little of that as possible. No breakfast, no lunch, just those three things spread out over my time at work. Come home, have more tea or maybe a hot chocolate and then to bed. Hopefully that will be enough to drop a pound or two.

Tuesday I will have to have something, maybe a half an oatmeal, and salad for lunch. Yogurt and rice cakes as the 'snacks' with some cottage cheese no later than 430pm. Yoga at 6:30 so hit the treadmill around 5:45pm. Maybe, just maybe, I'll drop enough that by 8pm hits and I'm doing the weigh in I'll have lost enough water to make a difference.

I really should do it as if I delay it, it will screw with the schedule and I won't get weighed again until mid January. Gives me plenty of time to drop more weight, but I wanted to get that 5month one in right before Christmas.

I hate having to wait. I want the decision now but I can't make it now.

Back to the original question of my day, live and deal or fix, I think I just answered it. I can't get rid of food. I do have to eat something, but I need to deal with control. When I'm in control I have great days. I get stuff done, I'm focused, I'm in a fantastic mood and I feel great. When I spin out of control everything else follows quickly behind. I don't have time for more out of control issues. I need every minute of my working days over the next 6 weeks. I just have to control the food and everything else will be easier.

As someone else said to me earlier today, tomorrow is a new day. Today I fucked up, but tomorrow I will learn and grow. Tomorrow will be better.