Definition Of Insanity

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

-Albert Einstein

So once again I'm in the same spot I feel I've been for days, weeks, all of last month. I'm full, fat, and fed up. What was supposed to be a refresh and start over day turned into the third or fourth day of binging, the third or fourth day of not recording all my food properly as I can't remember how much I ate, and the third or fourth day of no will power or control.

I'm not sleeping well, haven't since coming back from Vancouver. I rarely drop into REM sleep and wake up groggy every day regardless of amount of sleep. I allowed myself that one binge day back in September and ever since then 'binge days' are happening more and more frequently and I keep excusing them. I'm still going to the gym, but while I'm pushing myself on the treadmill, I'm not in training, yoga, core or in my own weight sessions. I know this as I haven't worked myself to exhaustion in a while, and I feel lazy (for lack of a better word) while doing the exercises. I've strayed away from putting everything on the calorie tracker and by eating out more, thinking that just having the salad will be good but ending up with that as a starter or not at all what I order. I came back from Oakland empowered, focused and so very much ALIVE. A month later and I've gone through my first food related holiday, a work trip to Vancouver, the big turkey dinner that I volunteered at, several district visits, a huge one day sale (no, not black friday.... ) and an audit. I've allowed myself to buy food that I can't eat, instead of having a half a small cheese pizza, freaking out and then being very careful what I eat for 3 days later, I'm having the entire small pizza plus whatever else I fancy, then figuring i'm already fucking up the day why not keep going and enjoy a crazy day.

Realistically have I really eaten that much today? I've had sandwiches, mac and cheese, salad, oatmeal, tea (may have over done it on the chocolate though) and I feel gross but 6 months ago I certainly ate way more. The past week I've eaten high amounts of calories, fat, sugar etc and overall my weight has stayed somewhat even. I mean I went up from 141 to 146 in no time, and tonight when I got home I saw the scale hit 149.5lbs.

I was here more than a month ago with Thanksgiving, swearing once again that I wouldn't be back at this now all to familiar place.

It is time to refocus, break the insanity cycle. Try something different, or go back to what works. Stop this neverending loop of failiure.

As lame as it sounds, tomorrow IS a new day. It can also be a new month. The last month of this year, the last month I will have to go a year being fat.

I know what works and what is not helping. Breakfast is something that I should attempt to have a bit for. Eating during the day needs to be done frequently while at work but still needing to keep a low calorie intake. Yogurt, salad, rice cakes, soups etc. For dinner, veggies, salmon, more soup and then a supper of tea and maybe a snack. Fruit is back to being a twice weekly treat. No more Booster Juices. No more allowed/planned binges. One day a week liquids only until dinner.

I will go to the gym at least 4 times a week. Cardio will continue but I need to change it up on occasion. Training will be a time to exhaust myself, Yoga a time to meditate and get in tune with my body, Core is a chance to strenghten a week part of myself. I will try to attend other classes where possible and try to continue with 2 training sessions per week. I will try to do some yoga and core exercises at home to wake up, calm down, end or begin my day.

I will return to a focused state of mind. Work will be completed on time and at work instead of too much 'hanging' out, especially in the staff room. I have so many projects on the go and will make time every week to work on at least one of them. I will read some of a book every day and get them back to the library in time. I will continue with the regular chores schedule as it's working very well.

I will stop talking to others about what is in my head. That is the main reason I have this blog so I have an outlet. Every time I mention I'm craving something, someone either offers to go get it for me, or just goes and gets it for me. One way I have a moment where I get to contemplate if I want it, and the other way I get given it and feel bad saying no.

I need to get back into a routine and be solid in my routine. I have to get past the first few days and once again it will all get easier again.

I wandered off track for a week, but I've given my body a chance to be fed perhaps a little over normal, and a chance to refocus and collect myself. I know what I want, I understand the dedication I need to get there and I'm willing to do what it takes.

I will do this.

Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.

-Albert Einstein