I'm going to allow myself to wallow in misery for today only. The man I've 'fallen' for has a woman.... I refuse to be the howling whining woman, the one who doesn't want anything to do with him now, or the one who wants all the details. I want to be his friend, someone he can trust, someone he can talk to and someone I can talk to.
That's it.
As I accidentlly discovered this, my fucked up mind began to speak up a little louder. It tells me the reason he went with her is that she's thinner, prettier, has long hair, looks like a girl, is stronger etc. It choses to ignore the fact that they've been friends for far longer and good for him to be happy.
But that's what I want. I can't have someone in my life while I do this. It just wouldn't work, especially someone who is trained to look for eating 'issues'.
Today I had my normal oatmeal for breakfast with tea, salad, yogurt, rice cake and apple for lunch. I ate 7 Lindt chocolate truffles (GMO free... I've been indulging far too much) with a mug of coffee on the way home. Once here had the leftover pasta and sauce from yesterday, some chips, chips and salsa, and 2 prunes. Still to have my tea yet and I'm starving. However it's 11:35pm so no more food.
For tomorrow, tea in the morning and possibly eggs? I'm thinking the protein for workout today. That or oatmeal and have eggs around noon. Then a protein bar after and salad before driving. Depending on what time I finish driving, soup for dinner. I plan on hitting the gym for a full 40min warm up (depending on the knee either running or elliptical) and after training at least 30min on the bike. I'll be exhausted.
Sunday I hope to do yoga and light weights when I get up, do some light cleaning, taxes, and possibly have the parents over for tea or coffee. I have to make cookies also. Maybe go for an early morning walk? I also want to read through some of the magazines that my step mom gave to me and try to figure out the next 'diet' when I end this GMO thing....
I just have to keep active, and watch what I'm eating. I need to cut back on the chocolate. I think if I do have a craving I'll go get some dried pineapple or some trail mix from one of the organic stores.
135 can't be too much longer away. I have 3 weeks tomorrow until the next weigh in.
Yes this is an end to yet another 'phase' but a beginning to another.
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Wow congrats on sticking to the gmo free thing! I haven't read your blog in awhile (my bad) and remember you starting that, good control:)
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about the boy... it's almost impossible to be with someone at certain points in your disordered eating/eating disorder..which ever you call it, especially when it's consuming so much of your life & thoughts.
Hope things get better for you<3 you'll be to 135 in no time if you keep up the good work.. just try to switch up your calorie intake some..one really low day, one high, medium intake, ect.