Control, but not

I hate control. I have to be in control, always. Today I was in control at work. I delivered 2 development plans for two different managers that I made, and they worked perfectly. They are solid, working documents that I am very proud of. I got a TON accomplished and really felt like I was doing my job.

I skipped the gym, thinking that I have an extra session this week so why not, and I wanted to spend some time with the nephews. I ate dinner (pasta and sauce. No meat) and had popcorn for a snack. We spent about an hour after dinner playing in my friends bedroom with the lights off, a tiny toy lantern and my camera. Check out what I ended up catching:

http://365project.org/toomi/365

I'm pretty damn proud of that pic. There's more, but they're not posted on that site.

However, it all comes at a price. I'm full. I could probably go to the bathroom and vomit without trying too hard but it's part of my mission Feb to not purge so I won't. I need to get a fucking grip!!! Like Wander said. I have a plan, but within that plan I'm losing control. What I used to follow doesn't seem to matter right now as I'm on a slightly altered plan. Fuck it. It does fucking matter!!!!

I'm fine until I get home. That's when the issues arrise. So here's what I'm going to do for tomorrow:

Normal breakfast, oatmeal and coffee. Maybe a pineapple ring as well. For lunch, the usual salad, yogurt, apple, and carrots. At 5pm when I get home, half the protein bar to help me survive the 3 hr gym session. After the gym, the other half of the bar and leftover pasta. I will allow one small snack. Either a pineapple ring, a handful of dry cereal, or 5 chips and salsa.

Fill myself up on water and go to bed at a decent hour.

Thursday, same deal, but for dinner probably steamed veggies and maybe 2 scrambled eggs (depends if I can just get away with the veggies.)

Friday is a day off. Oatmeal and tea for breaky, coffee and water with an apple for the drive home. Salad for a very late lunch, and then the gym. Post gym, some soup. By Saturday I should be back to 140.

I've looked at some fantastic thinspo today, even though I'm not much one for that shit. I had a focus for a long time. To get thin. I got lost falling for my damn trainer. He's a friend now, but I can get back on track.

Remember how good it felt to be hungry? To feel my stomach growl? To know that I was helping every ounce come off by denying myself that next bite?

Yeah, that's what I want again and I always do everything I can to get it.