And The Shoe Drops

Well fuck.

What a fucking day.

Waste of a work day, systems not working, me not working, no one else working.

Shit night of sleep. Woke up marginally later than I wanted to. Ate fucking chocolate for breakfast, just coz it was there and I needed to get rid of it. Ate my oatmeal for 150 fucking calories. and went to work.

Ate all my lunch, including salad, for probably around 600 calories then home so I can binge some more. Then ate dinner. Had 2 poached eggs and steamed veggies. Followed by chips, salsa, chocolate, ice cream, dried fruit, etc. Probably another 500-600 calories.

In all of this I'm talking to Shaun who is having one hell u'va month, today being especially shitty. He makes some crack about taking a 'dirt nap' and has gone offline. I can't get hold of him. Do I think he'll do something stupid? I sure as hell hope not. Regardless, I'm worried. I want him to at least send me a message, drunk or whatever, let me know he's ok. I'm really hoping he will get this all figured out. I'm not going home on the weekend to find out that he's no longer there as he got decertified.

To top it all off we took the kids for a walk as I decided not to go to the gym thanks to the back of my legs being sore again. This time I wasn't going to push it. We got about 5 houses down before I fell on the ice, landed on my beautiful camera, and I could feel it in my arm. Stood up, said I was fine, went a few more houses and then my nephew slipped. I went down right after. (it was snowing and hiding all the black ice... we all fell at that point).

The camera seems to be fine, despite a definate hit to the lens. I think it's ok. I need to take more photos to be sure. My wrist hurt at first, but I think it's fine now. I'm gettting shooting pains down my collarbone, from my elbow, and in my thumb.

FUCK

To top it all off, I'm 145lbs. Maybe higher now.

This month is a write off. Thank fuck it's almost over. I can't wait until this weekend is over, the week finishes and I can drive home on Friday. I want to see Shaun, go to my chiropractor, sleep in my own bed, and be alone for a while.

I feel like I'm out of control again. I eat whatever I want. Last night I went to the natural food store as it's GMO free in all their products. I ate half a banana bread, a massive brownie, a cookie and almost bought bread too. I would have kept eating and eating and eating.

Still having the digestive issues, and today I managed to throw up a bit without trying too hard. Again, only a tiny bit and none of this sticking my fingers down my throat. I just felt sick so I was. Mostly while I was having a freakout about Shaun.

I have no chocolate left. I have some soy ice cream (that isn't that good), chips and salsa, a tiny bit of licorice, prunes and dried pinapple. I have some chilli, a bean burrito and the rest is low cal. I need to go get some Omega 3-6-9 stuff to help with metabolism and digestion as that was Shauns suggestion when I complained I was hungry and wasn't dropping pounds.

I can't do this healthy by moderation thing. I just pig out on shit I'm not supposed to eat. I miss the restriction, the flat belly, the numbers, the charts, the feeling of floating on air when I hit that beautiful number I wanted to.

I need to go back.

Right now I think my goal needs to be to get back to 140. I need to do that by Saturday morning, giving me a week. I've pretty much established that I don't eat 'normal' food at the new store so there's nothing there to tempt me. No damn quarter candy machines etc. I need to get on board again. 130 is the new 140.

Tomorrow, half of the oatmeal and coffee. Half portion of yogurt, then a salad and dressing. I've got an apple, rice cake and tea. I have several options for the evening. I can go to some party from 5 to 7 or so, manage to skip dinner and can't eat the treats that's served (I'm doing really well with this so far. It's almost like quitting smoking. I don't want to screw it up just once as I'll have to start all over again). I could go to the gym then at around 8pm, work out for 3 hrs and come home. Sleep, wake up and go to church, home and nap, then work. Sunday take the burrito and salad with yogurt and I'm good for the evening. Monday a light day with no gym, then back to it on Tuesday. I should be able to drop the 5lbs in 7 days.... Especially if the first 3 come off in 2 days.

I can do this. I know I can.

Now if only Shaun would let me know he's ok.