Slowly...

Going down.... 144.2lbs this morning. I need to be 143 tomorrow. Ate ice cream cake at work, followed with some m&m peanuts and Mike'n'Ikes (only a few, like 5 each, but still) and then proceeded to kill myself at the gym. Don't know what it is there but running feels so much harder. I managed 20 mins before Zumba and felt like I was going to die. Followed the Zumba with the Body Blast and it was hard!!! I definatly will feel that tomorrow (again, I should have felt stronger but don't....)

Then had to head to Safeway to get salad and milk and the bloody dairy is right next to the bakery, so off I headed, big giant piece of chocolate cake in my hand. I managed about 3/4 of it in the parking lot and then drove home feeling disgusting and fat again (I had started to feel better during the day, but this killed it). I didn't purge though.

Ate veggies, tea, rice cake, dried fruit and 3 pieces of licoirce and now it's time to try and sleep.

My goals are going out of the window and I'm getting scared I'm going to spend forever fighting to get past this next goal. I'm frustarted that every time I get somewhere, I bounce around. 145 was the same, now I'm trying to get to 135 as I've already passed 140 several times. I guess, this weight has been on there a looooong time, but still, it's fat, it needs to go away!

Tomorrow I close, so light food day where possible. Do some core/yoga in the morning and have my half an oatmeal and tea. Work, with more tea, salad, yogurt etc. Home, tea and bed. Should be a very light day if I don't do something stupid like BINGE.

I had a fucked up dream last night. I dreamt I was in some sort of hosipital but I could come and go as I pleased. I was trying to sneak back into my room before the alarm went off and I knew I was in there for an ED. I also knew that I was thin, very thin. Beautifully skinny.

I need to get there. I hate this whale feeling, the bloated feeling, the spare tire around the belly feeling.

Weigh in is in 5 days. I have 5lbs to lose. No more fucking around.