Screwing it up, one day at a time

I just wish I could talk to someone. Tell them that my head is so fucked up. That 140lbs is not good enough. That I'm PISSED off that I gained. That all I want to do is STARVE to get down.

I can't, but I want to.

142.5lbs this morning, heading in the right direction. At work I managed $1.25 worth of 25cent candies, and half a fish sandwhich from McDicks before work. The when I bought gas I also got 4 chocolate bars and ate at least half of each.

I'm 143.6 right now (phew... I was 144.5 when I got home, post chocolate pig out!). Plan for tomorrow is to go to work early. Have my usual half an oatmeal for breakfast, salad, yogurt for lunch, apple and rice cake during the ride home with a starbucks tea, diet dr pepper or diet pepsi, and try for nothing for dinner. If I have to, soup for dinner.

I'm so excited to go home. I want to be alone, in my house. I want to go to my gym and run. I want to see daylight (what happens when you're at work before the sun comes up, and leave after it's set....). I want to see Shaun.....

Fucked up dream again last night. Dreamt I was at some pier/seaside place like in England, and Colin was with me. He kissed me.... I never would have thought of him in that way, and I we're not even friends, just someone I work with at job numero dos...

4 days. Can I do it? If I don't hit 140 should I do my weigh in? Fuck.....